Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Porn Shoot Massacre

Any more of this, and you’re going in the closet with the dead midget

Jarv’s Rating: 0.5 Changs out of 4– Quite spectacularly shit. A huge amount of juggs and a fetish midget are all that save this dismal garbage from the dreaded Orang of Doom.

I was always inevitably going to watch and review a film called Porn Shoot Massacre. Sadly, though, it’s crap and I had to have two attempts at watching it. This at least, I suppose, shows dedication to the cause.

This sort of bugs me, actually, because this premise should have been solid gold. The film promises nudity galore, silly slasher antics and a sense of humour. Unfortunately, the only prong of the tripartite promise that it actually delivers on is the nudity. There’s fucking loads of it. Sadly, most of (not all- note- and what follows is actually down to atrocious lighting) the nudity in the film would be more suited to a wildlife documentary tracking angry apes across the Serengeti. Isn’t LA supposed to be full of stunning women who will do anything to appear on the screen? If so why get one with horrific acne and a huge other range of heinous beasts? Aren’t there millions of waitresses out there that would scratch each other’s eyes out for a shot at this? I appreciate that this is subjective, but these aren’t the most convincing “porn stars” ever assembled. Although their dedication to casual nudity is admirable.

Before I get back to ranting, this is the plot of PSM. A shady director called Malfini has put together his dream cast for a porn film that’s actually a horror film. Except this is a REAL horror film and everyone is to die at the hands of a third-rate Leatherface rip off called “Brute”. Brute, however, is a religious nut job and is actually going to cleanse all the filth from the set. Which is, by the way, a shitty warehouse. Sorry, forgot to mention this relevant point. Anyhoo, the last girl escapes (I’ll come to this in a minute) before being recaptured by shady and unidentified outside agents and shipped off somewhere butt naked in a packing crate.

This is a shit film. A really, really shit film. It does, however, look like it’s about to deliver on the promise of the title in the opening scene with a quite spectacularly gratuitous shower scene. Juggs ahoy. She’s then asphyxiated with a plastic bag. This is by far and away the best scene of the film, being as it is actually quite an effective (albeit terribly performed) opening to a horror film. Unfortunately there are myriad mistakes to everything following that I’ll go into in a minute but basically it’s a tedious and nasty waste of time.

PSM is ostensibly a slasher film. It’s unfortunately a crap one. The primary mistake it makes is that there are rules to slasher films, and these rules (as much as we all take the piss out of them) exist for a reason. What PSM does, and this is what kills the film, is that it focuses on the ludicrously camp and annoying Malfini rather than the victims. It’s a series of vignettes effectively where we’re introduced to the girls and they then perform for Malfini before being messily and unpleasantly murdered by Brute. Because the girls are on screen for little time, and are all without exception hideously obnoxious, before meeting their various messy ends we don’t get a chance to get to know them and therefore to sympathise with them. This means that what we’re watching is effectively murder porn. When Malfini, Jimmy (his sidekick) are in danger the film threatens to spark into life as we do at least know these characters. However, as the characters are murdering assholes, it’s hard to give a shit that they’re in danger.

The film is also incompetent. The last girl shoots Brute, oh and this is a spoiler by the way, who then performs the expected rise from the dead trick. He then begins whaling on her- and he’s really battering fuck out of her, before he has to puke. She then hits him ONCE on the head with a plank (that he’s already used on her, by the by) and down he goes like a sack of spuds. She completes the kill by throttling him. What utter bollocks.

The acting in this is shit. That’s all I have to say about it. Shit. However, it looks Oscar calibre compared to the score- which is discordant, inappropriate and downright annoying.

So, redeeming features time. Well, there are norks aplenty, but the reason it ducks the double eye poke fuck you Orang of Doom is that for the two “fetish queens” Malfini has the sterling idea of getting a dwarf involved. This is, astonishingly, actually quite funny. Midgets make everything better, even utter dross like this.

Overall, I do not recommend this film. It’s crap, and a waste of a great title. This free service of films on Lovefilm will be the death of me, I swear, as there is a veritable cavalcade of schlocky nonsense available to me at the touch of a button. I do hope it’s better than this crap though.

Until next time,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

20 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Porn Shoot Massacre”

  1. Continentalop says :

    Nice to see Jarv is continuing to watch only the best and highest quality movies in 2011 as well.

  2. lordbronco says :

    Well-looks like 2011 is going to be quite interesting-great way to ring in the new year, Mr Jarv. Consider this sucker tweeted!

  3. MORBIUS says :

    So, a sack of cack it is! Pass.

  4. DocPazuzu says :

    I figure if one as a filmmaker fails at this premise, one fails at life and must thusly kill oneself for the good of mankind. Seriously, how the fuck can anyone not get this right?

    On a dwarfish side note, Jarv, I would recommend Full Moon’s The Creeps, which is about a nutty scientist who brings Frankenstein’s monster, Dracula, the wolfman and the mummy back to life, but due to a technical glitch they all come back as…. yes…. MIDGETS! Needless to say, a film full of win.

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      The Creeps is approximately 15 quadrillion types of awesome.

    • Jarv says :

      Awesome. I shall add that to the list.

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        Hola Jarv! I recommend *ahem* for pure schlock purposes only: Spiderbabe.

        Happy New Years to everyone.

        I had to bail ‘ol Rufus outta the joint after he and a shihpoo went on a drunkening and then had a falling out, afterwards Ruf used muffinpie’s face to wipe his ass with.

    • just pillow talk says :

      HAH! That looks brilliant!

      See, now that’s how you midgitize a concept right!

    • Spud McSpud says :

      OHMIGOD THE CREEEEPS!!!

      Mrs Spud-To-Be couldn’t understand why I was jumping up and down on finding the big-box VHS of this movie a few months ago. She hasn’t watched it yet.

      But she will understand. Oh yes she will. THE CREEPS is–

      Magnificent.

      • just pillow talk says :

        Alas I cannot view that pic at work.

        And to add injury to insult, netflix doesn’t have this beauty.

  5. Tom_Bando says :

    In other words this one isn’t going to be up for any Golden Globes(TM) save for the ones you see onscreen?

  6. ThereWolf says :

    Thanks for the warning, Jarv.

    Wide berth initiated.

    But still, a midget…

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