Burt Gummer’s Rec Room- Archive Jan-August 2015

A gathering place for paranoid survivalists and those who worship at the Church of Chang

A belated welcome to 2015, not unlike the welcome to 2014. Happy Fucking New Year.

Disclaimer: This is the part of the Church that is the most no holds barred. None of it is intended with malice, and although it can on occasion seem a little bit fraught, it is banter rather than venom. So, be warned that this is like taking a naked swim in a piranha tank and not recommended for the faint of heart.

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2,269 responses to “Burt Gummer’s Rec Room- Archive Jan-August 2015”

  1. Continentalop says :

    If someone else made this film I’d probably be so excited for it right now, because this is a beautiful poster:

    It makes me think THE OUTCAST OF POKER FLATS meets DAY OF THE OUTLAWS, as directed by some Italian Spaghetti Western guy.

  2. Jarv says :

    Lords test starts today. Most important thing: Weather.

    Hot and humid in London. Probability of swing is very very high. Good toss to lose this one, as the temptation to bowl would be huge, but if they don’t bowl well, or bowl too short the batting side will have free rein.

    • Jarv says :

      Am by myself with Finn tonight, therefore am going to treat him to a lousy movie while Daddy drinks beer.

      Top top parenting.

      I will also finish that stupid Kingsman review and sort out a new rec room. Sorry for the delay.

      • tombando says :

        Cokey talks about a kill Bill 3 too.

      • Jarv says :

        Worst.

        Idea.

        Ever.

        Seriously, that’s as shit an idea as Lucas saying “we need transdimensional beings in an Indiana Jones film”, or “Wouldn’t it be great if we got to see what Darth Vader was like before he became Darth Vader”.

        What’s he going to do with that? She’s retired, Bill is dead, and she’s settled down with her kid. The only remotely interesting thing they could do is have Wosshername’s daughter come to try to kill Beatrix Kiddo.

        But even that wouldn’t be very interesting.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Bill’s killed. What the fuck would third one be about?

      • Jarv says :

        Only thing I can think of is Fox’s kid getting revenge on The Bride for killing her mother. But that would invert things and make The Bride effectively Bill.

        But, knowing Cokey, we know what it’ll be about:

        Feet. Lots of lovely shots of Uma Thurman’s feet.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Adult beverages: Helping shape our youth since the beginning.

    • Jarv says :

      Given the weather and the (frankly) mediocre batting on both sides, this one will be won by whichever side uses the conditions better. My feeling is that the Crims definitely have the potential to blow us out of the water, but two of them have never bowled on the slope before and weren’t great using the swing in Cardiff, while the other has sucked donkey balls both other times he’s played at Lords.

      Having said that, Rogers is a dab hand batting at HQ- captain of Middlesex, so has experience to burn, and I quite fancy him to score big.

      England on the other hand have potentially brilliant swing bowling resources in Anderson and Wood, and Broad can do it if in the mood. Root has a stellar record at Lords too.

      So, if England get Rogers cheaply, or Australia get Root, I can’t see a lot of runs coming from the other players.

      Could very easily be a low scoring shoot-out.

      • Jarv says :

        Someone’s done a database of British Slave owners. Am deeply disappointed to find out that I do not have a distant relative with a plush pad in the Caribbean so I could blag a free holiday based on guilt over something we abolished over TWO HUNDRED FUCKING YEARS AGO.

        Academics in this country are such arseholes. Is this honestly a good use of time or money?

      • Judge Droid says :

        Reparations must be made!

      • Jarv says :

        It turns out, depressingly, that I’m from a long line of peasants and scumbags.

        This is not a huge surprise.

        Therefore, my bloodline was absolutely not complicit in Slavery. All I can find is that one of my Irish Ancestors was actually a fucking slave in St. Kitts.

        I WANT MY REPARATIONS!!!

      • Jarv says :

        Australia also look a stronger outfit without Twatto and Haddin (bah).

      • Judge Droid says :

        I like Marsh at 6. He’s a bit like Stokes (who has surely taken over the mantle of ugliest bloke in cricket from Sids) where he can (potentially) whack a quickfire score. At the very least he can’t be worse, or a bigger cunt, than Watto.

      • Jarv says :

        Stokes is also, like Sids, Ginger.

        It’s a curse, I tell you. The ugliest players are always dangerously ginger.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m deeply disappointed that Australia lost their bottle and dropped Twatto. His experience is crucial to the side, and he needed to keep his place.

      • Jarv says :

        Teams are announced, but the Guardian is being coy and pretending it’s unconfirmed.

        England unchanged.

        Australia: Rogers, Warner, Smith, Clarke, Voges, Marsh. M, Neville, Johnson, Hazlewood, Starc, Lyon.

        My initial feeling is that Australia haven’t gone far enough with the changes. Starc isn’t 100% fit, so should probably have been dropped for Fugly, and I’m struggling to see what the point of Voges is.

      • Jarv says :

        Clarke wins the toss and Australia will bat.

        Good toss to lose, this one- temptation to bowl will be immense. No news on what the pitch is like yet.

      • Jarv says :

        Pitch is pretty dead. As expected. Cook says he’d have batted first, which is a dead giveaway. Conditions very low cloud so hopefully we’ll get some swing. Otherwise it’ll be a long day

      • Jarv says :

        Sides confirmed.

        No rain forecast, so we’ll get the whole test. This should be a result ground as well.

      • Jarv says :

        Whatever happened to Bailey, BTW? Felt him and Quinney were dealt a really shitty hand by the selectors.

      • Jarv says :

        And we’re off!

        Flaky 4 from Rogers in the first over- big fat edge flashes over third slip. Followed by much better shot for 4.

        Not a huge amount of swing, but it’s hard to tell because Jimmy didn’t bowl a good over. Crap over, actually.

      • Jarv says :

        Playing with fire driving like that so early here. As the edge showed. Be interesting to see how he intends to go.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuckssakes. This is toss, England. Sort it out.

      • Jarv says :

        Sun’s out.

        Jimmy’s lost his radar completely. No swing in the sunshine so he’s got to be accurate. This isn’t good enough so far.

      • Jarv says :

        I’d only give Jimmy 4 overs at most if he’s bowling like this. He’s wasting the new ball.

      • Jarv says :

        Fucking hell. Warner edging everything, and it either not carrying or he’s getting spawny runs. Better over from Broad.

      • Jarv says :

        Finally. Good over. Tied Warner right down.

        More of that, less of the wayward shit, please.

      • Jarv says :

        Good captaincy. Jimmy bowling like a cunt, so he’s been pulled.

      • Jarv says :

        How the fuck did that miss the stumps?

        Jesus. It’s going to be Australia’s day- all the luck’s with them at the moment. They’ll be about 300-5 at the close, I think. Bar a major fuck up.

      • Jarv says :

        England have a serious problem here. Wood is now also all over the place. Broad is bowling well, but the other 2 need to get their shit together and hold up an end at the very least.

      • Jarv says :

        Wood, to be fair, is producing really good balls among the filth, though.

      • Jarv says :

        Shit captaincy there. Broad yanked so Jimmy can change ends.

        Bad, bad call.

      • Jarv says :

        PITCH THE FUCKING BALL UP YOU CUNT.

        Fuckssakes. He’s meant to be a swing bowler. You think he’d know this about Lords. It’s not as if the cunt has never played there before.

      • Jarv says :

        He’s lost his length completely. Can’t land two consecutive balls in the right place. Awful, awful captaincy putting him back on.

      • Jarv says :

        Hmmm. Vaughan saying blaming the surface for England’s crap bowling. I’d look at the bowlers, myself.

      • Jarv says :

        This is total shit. Total shit.

      • Jarv says :

        Warner really is a stupid cunt.

      • Judge Droid says :

        As thick as pig shit.

      • Jarv says :

        They bought that wicket. Knew the stupid fucker wouldn’t be able to help himself.

      • Jarv says :

        Jimmy’s (finally) starting to get some movement. But he’s bowling like such a cunt it’s being wasted.

      • Jarv says :

        100 up. Batted australia. Definitely your morning.

        I’m hoping Bayliss gives them a fucking bollocking over lunch and they pull their shit together in the afternoon, because if they keep up like this Australia will score about 600/

      • Judge Droid says :

        Warner better get a bollocking from Lehmann. That shit was pathetic. It’s not like he was middling everything. Those two 4’s off that over were miss hit. So continuing to go the slog was not the way to go.

      • Jarv says :

        He was edging or playing and missing all morning. Fucking lousy innings. On another day, he’d have got out for nothing.

        I think you should drop him and get Watto to open again.

        It doesn’t matter though, because we’re bowling like shit- too fucking short.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Watson had better never ever get selected again.

      • Jarv says :

        Nah. He’s the man.

      • Jarv says :

        Anderson’s now entering his 13th over of shit. That’s 4 more than Broad (who’s bowled well), 6 more than Wood (who hasn’t), and 8 more than Stokes (who’s been OK).

        What the fuck is Cook playing at? I’m more likely to take a wicket than Jimmy at the moment.

      • Jarv says :

        This is actually quite an interesting plan. Anderson’s dropped his pace to mid 70’s to Smith, and he’s waiting for the batsman to shuffle across exposing the stumps and trying to drift it through.

        I don’t think it will work, because Smith’s eye is far too good, but it’s worth a try.

      • Jarv says :

        I half think that the likes of Warner thing Moeen is shit and therefore try to tonk him- same thing the Indians did last year.

        He’s much better than he looks, and if you aren’t right on top of your game, he will get you. Silly.

        Smith’s treating him with more respect and looks a lot better for it.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck me.

        Joe Root is bowling. We’re desperate.

      • Jarv says :

        Hit him out of the attack, please, Smith.

        Seriously, this is bullshit. Stokes should be bowling. Or Wood. Fucking waste of an over.

      • Jarv says :

        Are we trying to buy Rogers now? Fuckssakes. This is daft. It’s borderline declaration bowling.

      • Jarv says :

        I think I can kind of see what we’re attempting with Smith here- it’s a kind of leg theory as he shuffles across.

        This strikes me as a bad idea.

      • Jarv says :

        short ball, no real pace in the pitch

        Fuckssakes. PITCH IT UP YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNTS.

      • Judge Droid says :

        So far this is the impression I’m getting from the game…

        1. Australia have come back to earth and now realise they will actually have to play well to beat England.
        2. Australia have also realised that there’s 5 days in a test match so you don’t have to try to bash every delivery. Unless you’re dumbshit Warner facing Moeen.
        3. The pitch isn’t nearly as helpful as Cardiff.
        4. The Poms aren’t bowling that well.
        5. The Poms maybe believed their own press and thought that the Aussies would continue to implode.
        6. The Poms don’t really have a plan B. Plan A worked beautifully in Cardiff. But so far Plan A is a bust. Problem is there’s not really a Plan B.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Bell dropped Smith.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Sharp, low chance but the Poms really needed that one.

      • Jarv says :

        Useless cunt.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck me. How long are we going to have to put up with him? Since 2013 ashes he’s averaged shit, he drops catches, he doesn’t contribute a FUCKING THING. What’s the point of him.

        And he’s old.

        Drop the cunt, and pick Taylor. Or Hales. Or Rashid and move everyone else up a place.

      • Judge Droid says :

        But he’s The Sherminator.

      • Jarv says :

        He’s a cunt. He always has been a cunt. He always will be a cunt.

      • Jarv says :

        Also, I have to say that Rogers batted well at Cardiff, but first over aside, he’s been absolutely exemplary here.

        I’d add:

        7. We’d better not go out and bat like total dickheads here.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I think, on this pitch, a fuller pitched delivery could be a bit more dangerous. So a Starc on song could grab a bag. If he bowls well of course.

      • Jarv says :

        Pitching it up gets results at Lords?

        How has nobody ever spotted this before?

        Seriously?

        Starc’s problem will be the slope. Takes a bit of adjusting to.

      • Judge Droid says :

        How has nobody ever spotted this before?

        Someone should inform the Poms.

        Actually… Don’t.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m so cross about this. Anderson has 75 wickets at lords. I would bet that no more than 10 of them are from short pitched bowling.

        This has been a rotten performance.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Plus the fact that Smith’s main weakness is obviously full pitched bowling about a foot and a half outside off.

        Bowl that then get a slip that can catch (is. not Bellend) and you’re on to something.

      • Jarv says :

        Anything that makes Smith play to the off has him vulnerable because of his weird technique. You just have to not bowl like complete cunts.

        We’re bowling so badly that Lyth is getting a go. I don’t think he even bowls for Yorkshire.

        Why not bring on fucking Cook to bowl, if we’re going for declaration bowling?

      • Judge Droid says :

        Well batted these two.

      • Jarv says :

        Yup.

        Both been given a life, but aside from Warner, the batsmen have been exemplary. Perfect play for Lords.

      • Jarv says :

        They’ve been bloody slow, mind. But Australia were so quick in the first session, it hasn’t mattered.

        Smith has a Cook-esque strike rate, and off this shitty bowling, that’s surprising.

        Won’t matter, because they can make hay later/ tomorrow.

      • Jarv says :

        Aye, I remember him playing in the counties about a decade ago. He was a decent batsman (but no more).

        Shermi made a century in the windies, so I’m not overly impressed by that. So did Ballance, now I think about it.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I think it’s that Voges made a century on debut in an innings where the rest of the batsmen failed. So it stood out quite a bit.

      • Jarv says :

        The thing about Voges is that he’s so goddamned old. It’s not like giving a chance to Khawaja or whatnot.

        Whatever happened to him? Discarded for good?

      • Jarv says :

        I genuinely think Voges is a decent County/ State pro. The Windies would kill for him. Maybe I’m used to Australia being better than that- because I still think of the likes of Law not being able to get into the Aussie side.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I still rate Bevan as one of the best cricketers I’ve ever seen and he couldn’t get within a mile of the test team. Pretty much the best one day batsmen ever.

      • Jarv says :

        He was crap in tests. Remember him playing in the Ashes and being Gough’s bitch.

        It was odd.

      • Jarv says :

        Why the fuck has Broad bowled less than Anderson and Wood? He’s the only one who’s been half decent.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I don’t recall him playing a lot of tests though. He could easily have played more but the Aussie side was so ridiculous during that time (Gilchrist at 7!?) that there wasn’t really any room for proving yourself.

      • Jarv says :

        That is true. He’d have had a much longer run now. See also Law.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Punter is a far better commentator than I’d ever have guessed.

      • Jarv says :

        I noticed that in the last test. Caught me right be surprise.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Honestly, someone needs to give Warner a good kicking. Really could be without loss right now.

      • Jarv says :

        He’d have been less restrained than these 2 though.

      • Judge Droid says :

        True. Which is why I said could.

        Job Smith.

      • Jarv says :

        Fucking Bell had better make a century when we bat. Buttler too.

        This is going to be about 600-1 declared.

      • Jarv says :

        Jimmy “Short of a length” Anderson bowling some top, top stuff here.

        Fuckssakes.

      • Jarv says :

        Played Rogers

      • Judge Droid says :

        Done Rogers. Thanks for the pie Jimmy.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck me. Declare!

      • Jarv says :

        Batted Australia.

        England- go and have a long fucking look at yourselves in the mirror. Then, Anderson, Bell, Buttler, Wood, Stokes, Ali and Root take turns punching each other until you get the message about bowling at Lords.

        Fucking disgraceful performance.

      • Jarv says :

        Right here we go again.

        I stand corrected about the pitch- apparently they were trying to guarantee the 5 days after what happened with the Kiwis earlier this year and the Indians last year. So it’s a full on Chief Execs pitch with NOTHING in it for the bowling.

        Having said that, I don’t stand corrected about the bowling. Far too fucking short and far too fucking wayward.

        Credit to Rogers and Smith, though. Got to cash in when you get this drivel.

        Good to see England carrying on where they left off yesterday, though.

      • Jarv says :

        I think the other bowlers should be allowed to take turns beating the shit out of Jimmy. He’s been so, so unbelievably bad.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Well batted Rogers. And well bowled finally from Broad. Fuller deliveries.

      • Jarv says :

        Broad bowls it on a length,

        Jesus christ. It’s been painful.

        Broad started out like that yesterday, he was easily the pick of them. Fucking Anderson though, he’s been unforgivably bad. Proper 0 out of 10 performance.

      • Jarv says :

        He’s actually bowled well all match. Just no support, and no luck. That was a nice over to Clarke then.

        It’s been a horrible fucking performance from the rest of them.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Wood’s obviously injured.

      • Jarv says :

        Shit. He’s had no luck over his career. Good prospect, mind.

        Need to get one of the kids through- Mills has retired from long form due to congenital back problem. Please god not Finn, I’d want someone like Footit called up first.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Clarke really is in shit form. That’s as bad as the dolly he dished up in Cardiff.

      • Jarv says :

        Think he might be shot you know. His back has been a mess for years.

        Still 390-3. Declare!

      • Judge Droid says :

        Stokes drinking Red Bull? I’ve never seen that before. Not outside a sunday cricket match anyway.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I’m beginning to suspect the same thing about Clarke.

      • Jarv says :

        This has got a bit of the whiff of “Final tour” to it. He might play through the next Aussie summer, unless you lose the Ashes- in which case he’ll retire, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see him bow out.

        Voges isn’t the right batsman for this situation. 400 on the board and shitloads of wickets in hand. You want someone to put on some proper acceleration- Smith and Rogers weren’t particularly quick, and Clarke was painfully slow. If this pitch is as dud as Ponting et al are saying then you need as much time as possible to try to take 20 wickets. I’d have sent Marsh in.

      • Jarv says :

        Of course, if Stokes is going to keep serving him pies, then he can tuck in with almost complete impunity.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I actually forgot about Voges. When Clarke got out I thought “Good. Marsh will pick up the pace.”

      • Judge Droid says :

        That said he’s 24 off 26. Clarke made about 5 off as much.

      • Jarv says :

        7 off 32.

        Horrible innings.

      • Jarv says :

        The only real question is when does Clarke Declare? I’d be tempted to declare round about the 550 mark, if they don’t pick up the pace. Just to give time. If they do pick it up, 650-700 is more likely.

      • Jarv says :

        He’s slowed right down- 24 off 40 now. Someone needs to start properly hitting out.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Smith needs to push the pace after lunch. Voges seems to me a bit of a Trott style player. An anchor and accumulator for others to bat around. So Smith needs to be the one to get going. Otherwise get Marsh in. He’d potentially go apeshit on this pitch against this bowling.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m not sure Smith is really the player to go apeshit, though. He’s set, but scoring slowly. I’d back him for the long haul and tell Voges to hit out and don’t worry about getting out.

        Then Marsh can go nuts- with Mitch and Mitch to follow for some quick hitting. Harsh on Neville, but you almost want sloggers rather than proper batsmen here now.

      • Judge Droid says :

        No Smith isn’t the player you’d choose to go apeshit but he can easily lift the run rate. He’s in and timing nicely. He’s picking and choosing at his leisure. Now he should look to play his shots a bit more because we need runs by tea.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Ha! You can hear that goddamn Scottish band drumming away in the background of the lunch time report. I remember them and drinking pints of crap beer in the belting rain when we went to the Bangers match.

      • Jarv says :

        *Shudders*

        Bloody horrible racket.

      • Jarv says :

        I see your point, but I’d consider his wicket to be more valuable than Voges, Marsh et al. So, I’d want him still there and not taking risks.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Broads bowled well. Cunt.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I can see Hazlewood doing well on this pitch.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Marsh could be just what we need here. Blocked it for 4 to get off the mark. Looking to score every ball.

      • Jarv says :

        Broad’s been bowling by himself though.

        Question is how many chances does Voges get? Because that was a pretty shitty innings.

      • Jarv says :

        I can too if he can deal with the slope. You have to adjust for it and he’s never bowled on it before.

        If he gets it right though with proper line and length bowling, he could be a handfl.

      • Jarv says :

        2-64 are ordinarily pretty average figures, but I honestly think he’s been better than that. Deserves a few more. Anderson deserves nothing.

      • Judge Droid says :

        You’ve also got to take comparative analysis into account. Compared to the other bowlers he’s done well.

      • Judge Droid says :

        And he’s lucked out with a ball that stayed low and chopped on. But he’s made his own luck with good bowling.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Be interesting to see what kind of batsmen Nevill is. I have no idea about him.

      • Jarv says :

        He’s owed that. Think both bad drops were off him yesterday

      • Judge Droid says :

        Think both were off Stokes. The Smith chance that Bell dropped (the actual chance) was definitely off Stokes.

      • Jarv says :

        Ach.

        Stokes hasn’t bowled well today. So I assumed it was Broad.

        Terrible drops- Bell owes us at least 120 runs and counting now.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s it Cook, you fucking idiot. Bring back Jimmy.

      • Jarv says :

        Ugh. I’m sick of Jimmy- he’s such an excuse magnet nowadays “Oh, it wasn’t my fault it was the pitch/ the atmosphere/ dog ate my homework/ other bowlers didn’t keep pressure on/ fielders dropped catches/ I got anally probed by curious aliens (delete as applicable)”

      • Judge Droid says :

        He’ll say it’s our fault cause we refused to have beers after the last test.

      • Jarv says :

        Or blame “lack of needle” or some shit.

        Fucking cunt.

      • Jarv says :

        He’s got Mitch-esque figures from Cardiff here. And has bowled every bit as badly. In fact, I think Mitch might have been better.

        This has been a dreadful, dreadful effort.

      • Jarv says :

        Have to say, I still think the Aussie batting Rogers and Smith aside is pretty weak. Bring Back WATTO!

      • Jarv says :

        Think you’ve got to take the pitch out of the equation here. STarc bowling nothing but yorkers, and Hazlewood bowling line and length. Tell mitch to not fuck up too badly.

        Lyon holding an end up.

        That’s about all you can do.

      • Jarv says :

        Double ton, First by an Aussie abroad since Gillespee.

        It’s weird, every batsman, bar Clarke, has come in and set off like a train, then ground to a halt. It’s happened to Neville now.

        Declaration at tea?

      • Jarv says :

        And here’s Joe Root to give you some nice declaration bowling.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Nevill is 33 off 45. Decent enough RR.

      • Jarv says :

        His run rate was 60-ish when I wrote that, though. He’s got a bit of a hurry on again. It was that he shot to 15 at more than a run a ball, then seemed to stop.

      • Jarv says :

        Sunday’s forecast for rain, by the way. So, I’d declare at tea at the latest.

        Need England out at least once by then- which shouldn’t be too hard!

      • Judge Droid says :

        They’ll declare at tea.

      • Jarv says :

        They should now- half an hour- 50 runs or so.

        Don’t run the risk of getting all out- it’s not worth it.

      • Jarv says :

        This is a comment on Cricinfo:

        So much talk about the pitch but no one mentions the absence of the yorkers. If the strip is not helping you at least try to take it out of the equation. I know its difficult to bowl yorkers, and even more to bowl them consistently, but that does not justify not bowling them. These players are professionals and should have such a potent weapon in their armory. If they dont have it, they are not good enough.

        Spot. Fucking. On.

      • Judge Droid says :

        That’s preaching to the choir. I’ve always complained about the lack of sandshoe crushers.

      • Jarv says :

        England are particularly bad for it. Jimmy used to have a good yorker, but I can’t think of the last time I saw him bowl one.

      • Jarv says :

        7 down now.

      • Jarv says :

        I’ve just seen the hawkeye for Smith’s LBW.

        I’m sorry, but Umpire’s call on where the ball hit is a fucking joke. If ANY of the ball hit him in line, then you’re out. Tough. There should be no such thing as Umpire’s call on it, as they’re not predicting what the ball would do, rather using film to map what it HAS done.

        So, unlucky Smith- had it been given not out, I’d have been pissed, but the Umpire’s call stupidity (which I’m sure is new) is just making a total mockery of it.

      • Jarv says :

        Tea. 562-7.

        England have bowled much better today. Taken 6-180. If they hadn’t bowled like such cunts yesterday then it wouldn’t be too shabby.

      • Judge Droid says :

        The tactics here is establishing a high follow on total. Essentially the only way to win this test is to make the Poms follow on.

      • Jarv says :

        Yes, but there is the time and weather concern. Follow on here will be something like 350 already.

      • Jarv says :

        This is a total waste of time. He’s going to bat out, I think.

      • Judge Droid says :

        150 overs. Then declare. My guess.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Broad gets 5 for. Deserved. Still a massive cunt though.

      • Judge Droid says :

        4 for? Thought he had 5. Anyway, the best bowler by a mile.

      • Jarv says :

        4.

        Bowled well. Average of 20 on that pitch.

        That was a stinking innings from Mitch and just not what the doctor ordered. 15 off 33.

      • Jarv says :

        That over was a complete and utter waste of time.

        Fucking disgraceful decision. Fuck all added to the total, one wicket, and now they lose 10 minutes on the changeover, which could have been done at tea. Cook-esque in it’s shitness.

      • Jarv says :

        As shit as Jimmy “twat” Anderson’s figures of 0-99.

        *slow clap for jimmy*

        Comes with the added bonus of showing the Aussies exactly how not to bowl on that pitch.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Shit shot. Lyth gone.

      • Jarv says :

        You stupid, stupid twat.

        What the fuck was that in aid of?

      • Jarv says :

        Complete brain fart.

        That was exactly like the one’s warner was just missing yesterday.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Hazlewood just the man here. Cook looking a little uncomfortable.

      • Jarv says :

        Cook always looks uncomfortable. So does Ballance.

        If these two get in, this could be a really boring session. Neither of them go like the clappers.

      • Jarv says :

        Starc’s bowling too short most of the time as well. Only 2 of them were full.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Starc bowling too wide. If he bowled the same deliveries half a foot towards the batsman he would make them play, maybe get a nick.

      • Jarv says :

        Too short as well for most of it.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Bowling like that to Cook is essentially giving him runs.

      • Jarv says :

        This isn’t great compared to the first over. Struggling with the slope a wee bit.

        He’s compensating too much and is too wide after that first ball.

      • Judge Droid says :

        There was a McGrath masterclass before yesterdays play. Backed up by stats, he described how the best bowlers don’t go for wicket balls every ball but build up pressure to earn the wicket. These bowlers (on both sides) need to take this advice.

      • Jarv says :

        Absolutely right. He was brilliant talking about how to bowl at Lords and where to aim.

        I would seriously consider dropping Jimmy for his performance in this test. He’s got 75 fucking wickets at Lords and should know better. That was honestly one of the worst performances I’ve ever seen.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Rogers (with the helmet on), running after the ball, looks like like Lord Helmet.

      • Jarv says :

        Ballance needs to calm down here.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Full + Quick = Wicket.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Goodbye Bellend.

      • Jarv says :

        Amazing isn’t it.

        Fuck you jimmy.

        This should be the end of bells career

      • Judge Droid says :

        Root in. Pretty much THE wicket to get. If we get him cheaply then it’s on.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Gone. What about the pitch?

      • Jarv says :

        To be fair to me- I’ve been blaming the bowlers.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Yep. It’s more a comment directed towards the Guardian and the comments section of the Guardian.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Of course there’s absolutely no context for that here so I concede I’m just making random comments.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I think the Umpires Call thing is rife with problems. It excuses a lot of dubious decisions. That Smith one probably shouldn’t be given out when viewed by eye. The benefit of the doubt etc. it happens a lot with LBW decisions.

      • Jarv says :

        Don’t disagree. But having it given out (and there’s no way he could be certain that 1/16th of the ball was in line on first viewing) to then say it’s Umpire’s call when it categorically wasn’t just makes the whole thing a fucking joke.

      • Jarv says :

        He’s the only one that’s gone for less than 3 an over. Which isn’t a bad effort on this pitch.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I think part of the problem with Khawaja is they didn’t like his attitude. He didn’t work hard enough to improve or somesuch.

      • Jarv says :

        Think he was elevated too fast- (a la Hughes) and told he was the next big thing from too young an age. Remember being severely unimpressed at his discipline when he played England.

      • Jarv says :

        Rogers is such a good selection for playing in England- he’s played at Middlesex for a decade. He’s just the man for the conditions.

        Voges is a less than convincing attempt to recreate that. I’m nonplussed at his selection.

      • Judge Droid says :

        He made a century on debut. And he batted pretty well otherwise against the Windies. He deserves at least two tests in England before he is completely shitcanned.

      • Judge Droid says :

        We’ve been critical of Australia being inexplicably ruthless against batsmen. Rob Quinney, Brad Hodge, Phil Jacques. It seems fair to allow Voges some leeway.

      • Jarv says :

        FUCK ME.

        Was that Bell again?

      • Jarv says :

        Every single schoolboy that’s played cricket knows that Catches win Matches. A very pertinent recent example was Ol’ Iron Gloves dropping Root in the last test.

        And we’ve just fumbletrumpeted both Smith and Rogers.

        Arguably the two best batsmen.

        FUCK.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Root being dropped last test. And Root going between a watching Haddin and Watson in the 2013 Lords test where he went on to score 200 or whatever he got. He was on 10-15 at the time.

      • Jarv says :

        Yup.

        Also, Warne dropping KP in 2005. I think Carberry dropped Haddin in Brisbane as well, when England were on top last time (the only time we were remotely near parity in that series).

      • Judge Droid says :

        Buttler. But it was a tough chance.

      • Jarv says :

        The problem with Buttler is that he’s not actually a very good keeper. Hell of an exciting Batsman, but not good behind the stumps. Particularly stood up.

      • Jarv says :

        1. Australia have taken a proper bollocking from someone and have stopped playing like arseholes. It does help that their most stodgy batsman has got his head down after a ropy first over.
        2. Agree. Interesting to see what the tail does.
        3. Pitch is fine. It’s a standard Lords in July pitch.
        4. That’s a gross understatement. We’re too fucking short on this pitch by miles. Anderson worst offender.
        5. Bowlers in particular believing their own shit. Very, very annoying. They’re prone to this.
        6. Plan B relies on them drying it up and sticking to line and length bowling. Thankfully, this is now plan B unlike in the recent past where it was plan a-z. Problem is, England are bowling like such wankers that it’s rendered moot.

        I always thought we’d lose this one, but I’m furious about the low quality of this bowling. It’s fucking terrible.

      • Judge Droid says :

        3. Pitch is fine. It’s a standard Lords pitch

        I’m not saying it isn’t. Just that the Cardiff pitch helped the bowler a bit more than this one. Bowlers will have to consistently bowl well to get wickets.

      • Jarv says :

        True. It is worth pointing out how inordinately badly England have bowled, though. You aren’t going to take wickets here bowling like this.

        Or dry up runs.

        I’ve no idea what’s wrong with them. This is a terrible, terrible performance.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        But he’s The Sherminator.

        Because I’m this guy I have to do this:

        So he’s a sophisticated sex robot, sent back in time to change the future for one lucky lady

        And then there’s this is and I’m still that guy. Is The Sherminator:

        on the offensive, the Sherman tank is going back in, locked on target, flying in stealth mode under enemy sex radar, ready to make the payload – again.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s the man.

        Inna nutshell. Except the only person he had sex with was himself.

  3. tombando says :

    Cokey rides again

    • Jarv says :

      I rewatched Django not so long ago, and it really is a film of 3 parts.

      Great first third.
      Pretty crap second third carried by Waltz. Then Tarantino shows up for his horrible cameo and we enter the shitness of the last third which is as bad as anything he’s done.

      It’s still a 2 chang movie, but I’m starting to wish he’d just fuck off now.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        I don’t even give his movies a chance at this point. I caught a bit of that one, but I have no desire to watch the whole thing.

      • Jarv says :

        If you’re going to watch a post Jackie Brown one, Django is easily the best (I haven’t seen IB, still).

        I’d rank them:

        Django, KB1, KB 2, Death Proof

        Given reports of IB, I’d suspect it to place somewhere between KB1 and Death Proof.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        I’ve not seen Deathproof, but I saw those piece of shit Kill Bills. Never again I say, never again. Fucking overlong talky bullshit. Bah.

      • Jarv says :

        Death Proof is far, far worse than KB2. And that’s a shit film.

      • Continentalop says :

        I actually thought Leo & SLJ were good in DJANGO, but even then the entire plantation part is just too long and boring and convoluted (the entire scam they need to employ to free Hilda is just so excessive).

        QT is like a talented musician who writes terrible songs, and always has an unnecessary 10-minute guitar solo in each fucking song. He’s cinematic hair metal.

      • Jarv says :

        He’s worse. He’s cinematic Rick Wakeman

      • Jarv says :

        Leo and SJ WERE good, but the entire plantation shite was awful. The low point was Waltz shooting Leo, just so pointless.

      • tombando says :

        Agreed, SuperStar Don Johnson was actually pretty ok in Django.

        Avoid Death Proof at all costs. Terrible shit film I hated as much as the 14 minutes of Sucker Punch I caught last year. Never Again.

        Need to give Jackie Brown another try, it lost me the last time, slow. Like the cast.

      • Jarv says :

        Am I the only person that made it all the way through Sucker Punch?

      • Judge Droid says :

        Well you are the founder of the Zack Snyder fan club so your adoration of everything Snyder is understandable. Weird, but understandable.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m 100% for 2 of my most hated directors. Snyder and Anderwank.

        I have no idea why I do this to myself.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        I’d rank Cokey’s film this way

        1. Jackie Brown

        2 the rest suck

  4. Just Pillow Talk says :

    Invisible Invaders is one bad movie. Aliens who live on the moon for the past 20,000 years who are….wait for it…invisible! Now that man (movie came out in ’59) is getting into space, atom bombs, etc, it’s time to invade! How to do that? Take over the bodies of the dead of course.

    Special effects of showing the property invisible Invaders are priceless. Dragging feet through dirt (tougher to show in lush grass I suppose) and bushes being moved as they push through them.

    Ano there one for Wolfie.

  5. Continentalop says :

    You know, something I realize about DJANGO UNCHAINED, for a movie that QT claims is an anti-racist, blackploitation empowerment movie, it really doesn’t have that many great black roles. Jamie Fox and SLJ is pretty much it. Even the love interest is pretty bland.

    When you take away the three big black leads (Jamie, SLJ and the girl), you don’t have any memorable black characters. Shit, you remember the awful Australians more than any of the other black characters.

    • tombando says :

      Recent viewing : a JT Walsh minimarathon.

      Nixon
      Good Morning Vietnam
      Pleasantville
      Breakdown

      I like Breakdown the best of these. Walsh played the cold eyed baddie quite well. You don’t have enough guys like him onscreen.

      • tombando says :

        Conti pops: I still have some major problems with Cokey’s little N word laced scripts, at the same time berating John Ford as a racist. There’s something rancid about it. At least seeing Mikey Bay’s presentation of race, it’s so over the top caricature wise, you gotta know he doesn’t know any better. Cokey though, what’s his excuse??

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Cokey’s a shallow, pretentious, plagiarizing, aggressively unimaginative hack of a douche bag that’s his problem

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        I never liked Jackie Brown, just do not understand the love it gets. Same with unbreakable. Both flicks, while not terrible just do absolutely nothing for me.

        Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction were great flicks. His two best in my opinion.

        A side note, while I do not like to interject the ‘real’ world here too often, I have to comment on the killings of five unarmed Marines in TN.

        Xi and I could comment almost every week if we chose on Marines who are killed either in action or in training exercises. It is the nature of the beast we chose/choose. It does not diminish the loss to think of it that way, but it helps us to realize that the commitment we and others made sometimes demands real sacrifice. But I can not allow these murders to pass without comment. These men, these boys really, put on the uniform and accepted the risk. In some cases they went to war only to return home to soft duty and be killed by some asshole with an agenda. I am disgusted and I am frustrated.

        We all know mass murders are not unusual in this country, but this was targeted execution.
        I am frustrated because all of the solutions are just knee jerk political ass covering.

      • tombando says :

        Agreed Toad. That was just awful. You wish the shooter’d have been stopped before he got anyone else. Like the POS in Charleston, you can’t unborn them unfortunately.

    • Continentalop says :

      I like QT’s first three films quite a bit – RESERVOIR DOGS, PULP FICTION, and JACKIE BROWN – PF being the best of them but JB being my personal favorite (as it is the most mature of them). But what made those interesting, the kind of uniqueness and palpable love for film, has just become redundant and excessive in later QT movies. And they have progressively dumber and dumber while pretending to be smarter and smarter.

      And, yeah, Tom, I find his constant use of the N world while criticizing Ford a racist to be hypocritical. I mean, Ford might have been in A BIRTH OF A NATION as an extra, but so what? Different era and it isn’t like he made the film. And Ford making SGT. RUTLEDGE is way bolder than anything QT has done (and I haven’t even mentioned Ford was at Midway, which trumps anything QT has done).

      • Jarv says :

        I like Dogs the best, and Pulp the least of those three. Pulp has loads and loads of bloating in it that you could easily get rid of. The most famous example is the “long comfortable silence” scene, which Cokey wanted to run to 5 fucking minutes of not saying anything, but the studio wouldn’t let him.

  6. Judge Droid says :

    Demolished. Well played Australia.

  7. tombando says :

    Watched Antman, kinda fun. Too many Marvel Studio cliches thrown into the mix, but fairly likable overall. I enjoyed the ant stuff the most. Along the lines of Guardians in tone. Rudd and Douglas good, Elfgal ok, Pena funnish but not necessary. Matinee it.

  8. Jarv says :

    Weekend round up

    Load of Masterchef
    England failing in the Ashes
    Avengers: Grimm

    The last one was watched entirely because it has Casper in it playing Rumplestitskin, plus Lou Ferrignno.

    Complete and utter shit. And not entertaining. Mostly just boring.

    My heart sank when I saw it was Asylum- that almost guarantees a total lack of entertainment.

    • Jarv says :

      Apparently Ballance is going to get chopped for Edgbasten and not Bell. I don’t get that. I’d do both of them.

      Lyth is also under fire, because it’s a whole 2 tests since he hit a ton. This is a result of the stupidity of not playing him v the Windies. If they had, we’d know if he can hack it. Instead, he’s had no time to bed in against 2 of the best bowling attacks in the world- and scored one century already.

      • Jarv says :

        Boycott’s absolutely slated England. Apparently, they’re saying they didn’t ask for the pitch to be like that. So, still blaming the surface for bowling like total wankers.

  9. Just Pillow Talk says :

    Just not feeling True Detective. For me, each episode will have one or two great scenes and that’s it. Doesn’t make for an overall great episode. I stii don’t give a shit about the crime or any cop except for Farrell.

    • Jarv says :

      I didn’t like the first series, so haven’t bothered with it. Debating whether or not to get Fortitude.

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      S2 of True Ds is kicking the living shit(figuratively and literally) out of that pretentious bullshit that was season 1. Colin Farrell and Vinny V are killing it. 33 in the last 2 eps is on fire. The only weak spot is the broad she just comes off fake as fuck but I guess to all the pussies out there she’s “tough”.

      • tombando says :

        Really keep reading this yr is a Bowser. What’s better??

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        I never watched the first season actually, so I can’t compare the two, but not feeling it so far. Besides Farrell, the rest I don’t care about. Even Vaughn’s character is losing steam for me. I get that they are setting it all up for a collision course, but fuck me his scenes sucked last night.

        McAdams’ character has done nothing and added nothing.

      • Judge Droid says :

        The problem for me, and the difference between the first and second season, is the way the actual case has been handled. In the last three episodes it feels like there’s only a handful of scenes that have progressed the case along. A lot of the show feels like filler. Some good acting and whatnot from Farrell and Vaughn in particular but in a story that only lasts 8 episodes each episode should be tight. Despite the first season being talky (and kind of pretentious but I think that kind of fit the character so I’m fine with it), each ep had forward motion. This season feels like it’s treading water a bit to make it to 8 episodes. The first season was 3 Changs. So far this season probably scrapes in at 2 Changs.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I will say that the shoot out in episode 4 of season two shits all over the choreographed, showy single take nonsense from the corresponding episode of the first season.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m wondering whether to give it another go.

        Mind you, I’ve still got all of American Horror Story Series 2 to do.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Exactly, gay cop is gay, going to have his future mother-in-law live with him, tell me how this is important to the story?

        I am, however, looking forward to the “talk” between Farrell and Vaughn next episode.

        Speaking of shows, I bailed on Ballers after four episodes. Even at a half an hour, each one seemed long. I just don’t understand the point if that show. Okay, football players are rich, they are a lot of women, party a lot. And the Rock wants to represent them. Yup. Pass.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I watched the first ep of Ballers. It was okay I guess. I’ve acquired the other eps but haven’t been bothered to watch them yet.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Fucking phone…they screw a lot of women. I don’t think they’ve cross-dressed yet….heh.

      • Jarv says :

        I think I preferred that phone’s version.

        Tried to watch Final girl. Shit.

      • Jarv says :

        Film4 are promoting 100 great films by female directors. I haven’t looked at the list, but my initial feeling is that there will be a LOT of films in there that I wouldn’t call great.

      • Jarv says :

        1. Falling Leaves (Alice Guy-Blaché, 1912)
        2. Suspense (Lois Weber, 1913)
        3. The Adventures of Prince Achmed (Lotte Reiniger, 1926)
        4. The Seashell and the Clergyman (Germaine Dulac, 1928)
        5. Merrily We Go to Hell (Dorothy Arzner, 1932)
        6. Triumph of the Will (Leni Riefenstahl, 1935)
        7. Meshes of the Afternoon (Maya Deren, 1943)
        8. Death is a Caress (Edith Carlmar, 1949)
        9. A Portrait of Ga (Margaret Tait, 1952)
        10. The Hitch-Hiker (Ida Lupino, 1953)

        First 10. I hope this is a chronological list. The only one I’ve heard of is The Hitch-Hiker, but I’ve not seen it.

      • Jarv says :

        It is. I’ve had a look at 11-20. These are not classic films. Although I do like the sound of some of them, they’re blatant schlock.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Never heard of any of them.

        It appears chronological. Can’t wait until they get to the collected works of Nancy Meyers.

      • Jarv says :

        The second 10 are more interesting, but I’ve not heard of any of them either.

        From the first 10, Triumph of the Will is actually a film they describe as “Bad”.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuckssakes. Just discovered Jedward are in Sharknado 3. I’ve seen the first one, and it’s terrible, so didn’t bother with the second. However, Jedward getting eaten by a hungry shark is something that could get me to watch it.

      • Continentalop says :

        Jarv some of these are very much classic films. TRIUMPH OF THE WILL is one of the most evil movies ever, but also incredibly important and considered one of the greatest examples of propaganda ever (it also influenced STAR WARS). MESHES IN THE AFTERNOON is an experimental film, and you’ll hate it, but it is a groundbreaking work of editing.

        The others seem to rank from good to just being there because a woman directed it. THE HITCHHIKER, hell of an interesting little noir (I prefer her THE OUTRAGE and THE BIGAMIST). A PORTRAIT OF GA is an experimental film so it doesn’t have much legs beyond the novelty of the time (give the lady credit). MERRILY WE GO TO HELL is an ok pre-code movie, but nothing shattering. The others I haven’t seen.

      • Jarv says :

        Fair enough, I suppose I’m being ignorant. However, the second 10 is jammed with garbage, and I think it’s going to get worse. Bet you Boys Don’t Cry and The Hurt Locker both make it.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Droid I would turn what you said 180 degrees the other way for me.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Oh jesus that single take nonsense was just as bad as a Marwan escape from 24 from so of course the nerds shit their britches over it.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Pillows I think this season is more about the people involved in this crime and the effect it has on everybody more then the crime itself.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        100 great movies by chick directors? False premise.

      • Continentalop says :

        No sweet, Jarv. I am just surprised you never heard of TRIUMPH OF THE WILL. Actually I am sure you know the movie, you just forgot the name.

        And I am sure they’ll have nothing but shitty movies after awhile. Nora Ephron is going to get screwed because she a “sell-out” who makes romantic comedy.

      • Continentalop says :

        And I think listing 100 great movies by women to be asinine. I’m a feminist but this is that lame radical feminism. There have been very few female directors in history, so how the hell do you find 100 great female directed films? All you do is high light how there is less great female directors than male directors.

        This is an incredibly dumb article that is just going to accomplish the opposite of what they hoped for.

      • Jarv says :

        That was my initial thought. Where are they going to get 100 from?

  10. ThereWolf says :

    Recently watched…

    After Earth – dull.

    Riddick – makes Chronicles look like The Grapes Of Wrath.

    Robocop remake – excrement. Livid, I was, sitting through this.

    Noah – how do you make piling a shitload of every animal on the planet onto a boat boring? Like this.

    Jack Ryan Shadow Recruit – clunks along to no discernible effect.

    I, Frunkenshteen – CG gone mad and not good.

    Taken 2 – perfunctory.

    A Walk Among The Tombstones – not too bad, this, the cinematography impressed.

    Non-Stop – Lovefilm completes a Neeson hat-trick! Movie was absurd.

    Last Days On Mars – starts really well, then it’s just kind of ‘Angry Zombies On Mars’ and not very good.

    Europa Report – hapless space mission, quite well done.

    Fury – liked the Big Red One/ Cross Of Iron vibe, but something about the film left me cold.

    Odd Thomas – starts okay, remains fairly amiable but becomes monotonous in the process. Excruciating ending.

    Scintilla – starts well (is there an echo in here…) then just kind of hums along without engaging. Does have a very good shock moment – so don’t watch the trailer coz, obviously, it’s in there.

    • tombando says :

      Battle of LA: very Transformers ish at times, just with Shakey cam. They did a decent job with it for the most part.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        I liked Battle LA, very rewatchable for me.

      • Jarv says :

        See, I thought that was shit. Never mind the jingoism or otherwise of it, just found it monumentally boring for too long. And hated the way it was shot.

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      I liked Non-stop, as silly as it was. I can’t disagree with the movies above it though.

    • Jarv says :

      Thought Riddick was pretty crap myself. Don’t know why they went the route they went- pitch black lite. Would have been far better to do the nutty quest for the Underverse thing they were going to do. And nobody tried to outrun the sun in it, so it’s automatically not as good as Chronicles.

      • Jarv says :

        However, it looks like Verhoeven’s Robocop compared to the shitty robocop remake. I was proper disappointed by that as I really like Tropa and Tropa 2.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Yeah, I always liked Chronicles…unlike Riddick, which didn’t bring anything new to the table. RoboCop remake sucked ass.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s just boring. And I missed how he ended up on the planet first time I watched it.

      • Jarv says :

        So Tyson Fury v W. Klitschko is coming up.

        Fury is going to get a heavy points defeat. He’s a pikey brawler. However, I would like him to knock the boring fucker out.

      • tombando says :

        RoboKop Redo is Ok but not necessary. Like most the remakes of late.

      • Continentalop says :

        Hey Jarv, yeah I already knew that. My brother was going to write a piece about that for Bloodyelbow (do they mention that Bat Masterson used to be a sports, crime and political reporter in NY in that article?).

        Speaking of my brother and Klitschko, he recently did an interview with Stitch Duran, the UFC and Klitschko’s cutman, that got Stitch cut because the UFC is doesn’t like it when people point out how much they are screwing over people.

      • Jarv says :

        Impressive. That’s a great story about Wyatt Earp. I didn’t realise that he was a bit of a scumbag and all the revisionism about him happened after he died.

        Decent boxer, as well, apparently.

        What do you think of Fury v Klitschko. I want Fury to batter the boring fucker into paste, but it’s not going to happen. He can cause some problems, because of his size and that he’s got a granite chin, but he’s not got explosive power, and is, at the end of the day, a pikey brawler so Wlad should be able to simply pick him off.

      • Jarv says :

        Shittest films of 2015 so far, according to the UKIP Newsletter (Daily Telegraph):

        http://www.telegraph.co.uk/film/what-to-watch/worst-movies-2015/

        Couple of notorious stinkers on there. Pity about Monsters 2, if they’re right.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Only one I’ve seen is Taken 3. Like 2, it’s shit. But it’s too who cares to really constitute hatred.

        The worst films I’ve seen this year (in a sea of mediocrity) are:

        Avengers 2
        Tomorrowland
        Jupiter Ascending
        Fifty Shades of Grey
        Hot Tub Time Machine 2
        Mad Max: Fury Road

      • Judge Droid says :

        For context, these are the other films I’ve seen from 2015.

        Blackhat
        Kingsman: The Secret Service
        Project Almanac
        It Follows
        McFarland, USA
        Furious 7
        Get Hard
        Maggie
        San Andreas
        Jurassic World

        The picks being Blackhat and Furious 7 which are not without their problems and would only get 3 changs on a generous day. So that gives you some idea of how shitty the year has been so far. Or at least the quality of the films I’ve seen.

      • Jarv says :

        You’ve seen 50 shades? Christ, why?

        Best film I’ve seen this year, easily, is Ex_Machina. It Follows was good, probably 3 Chang good, and Maggie was OK. Kingsman was OK.

        Worst is, again, easily: Jupiter Ascending- which I’d Orangutan of Doom.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Curiosity. Started surfing the internet about 15 minutes in. If anything, it’s just incredibly boring.

      • Jarv says :

        If anything, it’s just incredibly boring.

        Well, duh.

        You should have just fast forwarded to the naughty bits. Or just watched some actual porn.

      • Jarv says :

        Avengers 2 is that shit? Can’t say I’m shocked by that. Thought the trailer looked horrid, and the fat Iron Man suit looked laughable.

      • Judge Droid says :

        It’s about as erotic as lights out, under the covers missionary sex with a self-conscious chubby girl.

      • Jarv says :

        Ah, so you have been reading the Women’s section of the Guardian.

      • Jarv says :

        Jade was a stinking film. Awful, lousy Eszterhas shite.

      • Judge Droid says :

        That was in his post-Fatal Instinct phase of churning out dogshit titty flicks for millions a piece.

      • Jarv says :

        As opposed to his Basic Instinct and before phase of churning out formula drivel for millions apiece? Jade does seem to have played a big part in the death of his career, though.

        Only followed it with something I’ve never heard of and that Smithee atrocity.

        Forgot he wrote Showgirls.

      • Jarv says :

        What a series of shitty fucking scripts:

        Jagged Edge, Flashdance, Betrayed, Sliver, Basic Instinct, Showgirls, Jade, Telling Lies in America, Burn Hollywood Burn

        None of them has a remotely decent script. Jagged Edge is at least an OK film, but the rest of them fucking stink. I rewatched Basic Instinct recently and was surprised as to how bad it was.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Only seen:

        Basic Instinct – It’s okay but haven’t seen it this century. Which confirms I’m old.
        Sliver – Boring as shit.
        Showgirls – Utter shit, but it’s hilarious so I have a soft spot for it. That sex scene in the pool where Berkley thrashes around like she’s in Jaws is comedy gold.
        Jade – Boring as shit.

      • Jarv says :

        In contrast:

        Jagged Edge- OK. Can only be watched once and has arguably the most obvious twist ever.
        Flashdance- shit
        Betrayed- shit
        Sliver- shit
        Basic Instinct- Stone’s beaver aside, shit
        Showgirls- shit but hilarious. I also have a soft spot for it
        Jade- total shit, waste of Fiorentino
        Burn Hollywood Burn- total shit.

        He’s been paid a lot for being a big fat hack.

      • Jarv says :

        Haven’t watched anything, but I am playing my way through dead space 1 again in preparation for part 3 as I’ve forgotten lots of the story. It’s still possibly the most frightening (legitimately) game I’ve ever seen. I’m doing it with just the plasma cutter and keep cocking up how much ammo I need.

        Died in a way I never managed before and had my head replaced. Singularly unpleasant.

      • Judge Droid says :

        It’s got to be the dullest, least erotic erotic movie since Sliver. Or Colour of Night. Or Jade. Take your pick.

      • Jarv says :

        Colour of Night is hilarious. About as erotic as reading the “women” section of the Guardian though.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Yes, I may have been unfair on Colour of Night. It does have being hilarious going for it.

      • Jarv says :

        Loses points for actually showing Bruce Willis’ cock, though.

  11. Just Pillow Talk says :

    Xi, when two of the three cops I just don’t find terribly interesting, nor their back stories, along with a bad guy who’s story is a bit blah over the last episode, it’s hard to get revved up for the show.

    Hoping the Farrell-Vaughn showdown is worth it.

  12. Continentalop says :

    Recent viewings:

    Nothing. Been too busy with work lately. Which sucks because I would like to have at least two days off just so i can get done with that damn Defendor and Kick-Ass reviews.

    Wait. I did see NEW YORK, NEW YORK last week for my birthday at the Egyptian. Very flawed but very interesting movie. Also saw TUT, which is not good at all. Except for the sideboob.

  13. Jarv says :

    Ballance Dropped. Shermi to 3. Fuck.

    • Jarv says :

      I’d have dropped both of them. And Anderson too- he’s now 3 innings on the bounce with no wickets for lots of runs and has bowled like a total cunt.

      I fucking hate England fans. Calling to drop Lyth. Only 3 tests ago he made a stunning ton against the kiwis at headingly with the ball hooping round corners. Deserves the rest of the summer, at least.

      Suggested solutions, apparently:

      1) Make Bell open. Yes, that’s a really good idea. Worked for Trott, didn’t it.
      2) Make Moeen open. Yes, that’s another really good idea. Never done it for his county, suspected problem with short pitched bowling.
      3) Promote Hales. Wow, we’re really on to something here. Never mind that he bats 3 in the long form of the game, and has problems outside off stump.
      4) Recall Carberry. The less said about this the better.
      5) Recall Compton. The memory of England fans pains me. How can they have forgotten his last innings.

      Some are calling for a KP recall as well.

      • Jarv says :

        Oh christ, some dickhead is advocating recalling Robson.

        Suffering fuck.

      • Jarv says :

        Although this is funny:

        we have to stick with Lyth even though he looks about as secure as a hymen in a south London comprehensive.

      • Jarv says :

        Actually, joking aside, this isn’t a bad England team (compared to the last one):

        Cook,
        Lyth,
        Bell,
        Root
        Bairstow
        Stokes
        Buttler
        Ali
        Broad
        Wood
        Anderson.

        However, lose, and I’d do this:

        Cook,
        Lyth
        Ali
        Root
        Bairstow
        Stokes
        Buttler
        Rashid
        Broad
        Wood
        Anderson

        Because if Jimmy is going to fire anywhere, then it’ll be Trent Bridge

        Lose at Trent Bridge and then I’d seriously drop Anderson, possibly Buttler, and try some of the kids instead.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Rearranging deckchairs on the Titanic.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Bell should consider himself very lucky. Is he your Watto?

      • Jarv says :

        No. Bell’s got a long and generally decent career- lots of centuries, over 13,000 runs in all forms of the game etc. He’s like Martyn was in 2005- a classy batsman that needs putting out to pasture. That I hate him is incidental.

      • Jarv says :

        It is now- because it SHOULD have been done last summer and in the Windies. Instead they’re having to make snap decisions and it always looks worse doing that after a loss.

        Arguably, both Bell and Ballance should have been sacked after Cardiff, but the victory papered over a lot of fuck ups.

  14. Continentalop says :

    Loved your review of PIXELS, Jarv. Good job hiding your accent.

    • tombando says :

      Watching Objective Burma, Never So Few, Go For Broke. Burma is Errol Flynn doing Merrill’s Marauders. Never So Few is Sinatra ditto ditto. Go For Broke is Van Johnson and the Banzai Battalion w all Japanese Americans. Not bad any of them, Burma the best. Sinatra’s has Lollo, Bronson, McQueen. I think Benson Fong is in Van’s.

  15. tombando says :

    Glen Garrey Glen Ross. Pacino, Lemmon, Spacey. Featuring Alex Baldwin cameo! Works very well.

  16. Judge Droid says :

    Watched…

    Big Game – Disappointing. I really like Rare Exports, and this looked like fun from the trailer. But unfortunately once you’ve seen the trailer you’ve pretty much seen the movie.

    The 13th Warrior – Objectively the movie’s a bit of a mess, with obvious signs of editing room tinkering. Little subplots (like Banderas and the love interest) aren’t fleshed out nor closed off. The opening feels rushed. Opening scenes edited down to a bit of a voice-over montage. This all said, I still really enjoy it. I like the dynamic between the Norsemen and Banderas. The head Norseman is great and his friendship with Banderas is understated and well done. There’s some terrific visuals, like the opening shot on the boat, or the fire snake making its way down the mountain. And the action is pretty well done. It’s only 100 minutes long, and this is one of the rare times you can say the movie might have benefited from an extra 15-20 minutes to flesh out characters.

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      I love 13th Warrior, arcs being shorted or no, I feel compelled to watch it when running across it on the tube.

      I love when Banderas realizes they are human and can be killed. Or the little chess game played with ylthe king’s son.

  17. M. Blitz says :

    Hey there. Just a quick note. I posted something not too long ago about having seen (most of) About Time. Apparently I need to limit my posting when stoned, as I ACTUALLY watched (most of) About Time the other day, and didn’t see any of what I had previously characterized as “most.” Seeing as I wandered out for 20 mins, that must have spanned the part I saw.

    Ok. This movie was OFFENSIVELY fucking bad. Jesus. The ending had me wanting to basically vomit. And all the moralizing stuff with the sister? Ugh. Yuck. The main thing I remember from the first viewing was the guy and his sister dicking around at a museum, looking sullen and bored. If only the whole movie were just that.

  18. M. Blitz says :

    Started watching True Detective last night. I was really liking what I saw, only it was a struggle to get myself to watch? Much rewinding as my phone, the newspaper, a scrap of dust blowing across the floor……pretty much anything was sufficient to distract.

    I’m somewhere in ep 2 now. Can’t really put my finger on what’s wrong.

  19. Jarv says :

    Weekend roundup:

    22 Jump St. Meh- if the first one didn’t exist it would be quite good, but really, meh. Loads of it fell flat, and it just seemed to like a spark. I did like the fake posters and the Seth Rogen joke over the end credits, though.

    Best bit: Ice Cube finding out that Schmidt had boned his daughter, and Jenko’s reaction to it. I did genuinely laugh out loud.

    Worst bit: Grenade/ penis gag at the climax of the film.

    Finished Dead Space 3- first run through anyway. More on this in the next post.

    • Jarv says :

      OK. Dead Space 3:

      I don’t get what you mean about the Ice Planet, Droid- I got off it after about 10 minutes max. The game then splits neatly into 3 sections:

      Tau Volentis part 1 and Escape from Earth: Once off TV, this is great fun- exciting stuff, that thumps along. Not really Dead Space, though.
      USG Raonoke: Best bit of the game. Pure Survival horror in space setting. Genuinely first rate, and I was really enjoying it, but unfortunately…
      Tau Volentis part 2 and the machine: TV is a crap setting, and it takes too long to get into the machine for the endgame. Final boss is hugely underwhelming, too.

      The good:

      • Plot- vastly beefed up from previous games, feels really epic. Good character stuff too. Isaac much improved from previous games.
      • Villain- Danik is the best villain the series has produced so far. Dr. Dickhead in the first game was kind of fun, but underused, and there wasn’t really anyone in the second. Danik, on the other hand, is a right bastard and I like his motivation for wanting to off Isaac- it’s great.
      • Side quests: Most effective during the space section, when you believe that Isaac WOULD check out the other ships for salvage to repair their shuttle. Least effective on TV, when it’s counter intuitive to go on a wander through the marine’s quarters (as effectively frightening as this section is) when you’re in a balls to the wall race against time to stop Danik.
      • Action: Beefed up. Like humans appearing as well, and there’s some good gunplay.
      • Enemies: Nice new enemies introduced. Like them being able to use tools and guns. The spinning things are fucking ace. Good to see the back of the exploding babies as well.
      • Best of the lot, though: the weapons system. Fuck me this is GREAT and genuinely makes me want to play it again to see what ludicrous guns I can cook up from scavenged parts (the bots are a nice touch). At the end of the game I had a fucking obscenely daft incendiary chain gun with mine launcher attached as one option and a stupidly powerful gravity weapon that literally turned people into paste with an acid-spitting buzzsaw for my other option. Which is just as well, because there was a frankly daft amount of enemies. Immensely satisfying taking them down using withering chain gun fire.

      Bad:

      • It’s not survival horror. Not at all. It’s an action game. There are disturbing and some frightening sections (The marine’s quarters leaping to mind), but they’re very much in the minority. It’s swapped ridiculous, insane violence for scares.
      • Ammo: Far too much of it. I think it’s impossible to get in a position to run out, and at one point I was firing about 40 rounds a second.
      • Tau Volentis: Shit. I spent fucking donkeys wandering around in the snow trying to work out where I was going. It all looks the same as well, which is shit. Then you get inside the facility, and it looks like the cargo bay on the Ishimura. Total imagination failure from the designers.
      • Acting: Rubbish. Particularly Ellie.
      • Sound Design: Worst of the series. I miss the eerie Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. There’s a daft heavy metal score at one point.
      • Regenerating Enemies: Always the worst thing of the series, but there’s one section where you’re trapped in a room with 3 of the cocksuckers and you can’t get out until you’ve completed a puzzle, which is inordinately fiddly.
      • Stasis: The enemies are SO fast on TV that I found I was spamming stasis on them all the time. It becomes a proper crutch, to the detriment of the game.
      • Final Boss: While I like the idea of the moon on TV being a fuck off carnivorous beastie stuck in Stasis, killing it was too easy and too boring.
      • Kinesis puzzles: ugh. repetitive and loads of them.
      • Dodging: I can kind of see why they put this in, as in theory it should be useful for gunfights, but what happens is you do a roll, then lose your sight and by the time you’ve got the gun back round you’ve been shot three times.

      It’s basically Dead Space done by Ratner. Highly competent, and all the bits are there for it to be epic, but that’s it. I’d go 2.5 out of 4 for it, which is a massive drop from 4 for the first and 3.5 for the second. Were the scavenging and weapons building not such fun, then I’d even be tempted to go lower. On more than one occasion I was swearing at the sheer unfairness of being stuck in a room with hordes of Necros pouring through the walls, no escape and not enough medipacks. The only way to survive this was to spam stasis and go to town with the buzzsaw. I do like that all the weapons have a use, and you clearly can’t finish it using only the plasma cutter, like you can the first two, but more is not necessarily better.

      Still, I’ll see what it’s like on second playthrough and with the co-op, which could be really good. Suspect it’ll be better as having more kit at the start will make more of a difference in the more action-oriented section.

      It’s begging to be made into a film- and a proper one not a quasi-Anime wankfest like the two they’ve made so far.

  20. Continentalop says :

  21. Continentalop says :

    Also

    • Jarv says :

      Always knew the 1990’s were underrated.

      In other news, watched Anchorman 2 last night. Shit. I always thought the first one was overrated, but really, it’s just wank. I think I laughed about three times during it. Repeating the News team fight at the end was AWFUL.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Glad I’ve avoided it.

      • Jarv says :

        Yes- don’t bother, genuinely.

        Only Rudd comes out of it with any credit- Ferrell and Carrell in particular are ludicrously over the top- to the point of real irritation. Marsden is OK-ish as Jack Lyme but the character has nothing, Applegate is wasted, and quite what the fuck Harrison Ford thinks he’s playing at is anyone’s guess.

        They’ll probably make part 3, but I hope not.

      • Jarv says :

        Oh, and it’s really really really cameo-tastic. Even more so than the first one.

      • Continentalop says :

        ANCHORMAN was unbearable. The only joke I can think that works is….is…

        This might take awhile.

      • Jarv says :

        Sex panther aftershave?

      • Continentalop says :

        Whoops. I meant ANCHORMAN TWO.

        The first one has a couple decent jokes.

      • Jarv says :

        No. There was nothing. Not a single laugh out loud joke in it. Carrell was particularly painful.

      • Jarv says :

        So, last night watched the Oldboy remake.

        The first third is genuinely good. The background on Joe was well put together, and the sequence in the room was decent. Then it turned into a horrible steaming boring mess afterwards. Brolin was good in the lead. Unsurprisingly, they shat doing the octopus scene, although I was mildly suprised they kept the incest.

        I think the first one is overrated- but its still good, however this one just feels completely pointless and nutless in comparison

        I’d give it a whopping 1.5 Changs.

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      Color code that blue bar into subsets: comic book movies and “other”.

  22. tombando says :

    Oh yeah Gary Gygax sadly I had about all of those back in the day. Truly a legacy of shame.

  23. Jarv says :

    This is a shit England side today. Australia batting.

    Fucking Finn has been recalled. Why?

    Lot depends on how they bowl this morning. If they bowl like at Cardiff, we’ll win. If it’s the toss served up at Lords, we’ll lose. Jimmy should be on final warning.

    • Jarv says :

      Wonder where Droid is.

      Brave of Rogers to be playing today- he’s had too many concussions now, should be rested.

      • Jarv says :

        Terrible review from Warner. AWful

      • Jarv says :

        Seen it again. Truly Watson-esque in terms of badness. Good start for England. Now, if we can winkle out Smith quickly, then I’d quite fancy bowling at Clarke and Voges.

      • Jarv says :

        Broad bowling like a complete cunt. It’s swinging, so the idiot is bowling short pitched crap at Rogers.

      • Jarv says :

        Rogers riding his luck like a fucker here. Could easily have been out about 3 times so far.

      • Jarv says :

        Ugh. Finn. Suspect the run rate will climb now.

      • Jarv says :

        What’s the fucking point of him if he’s only going to bowl at 80mph? He doesn’t swing it, doesn’t really seam it, can’t bowl cutters. Fuckssakes. Useless twat.

      • Jarv says :

        Crappy, shitty fucking over.

      • Jarv says :

        Always liked him…

        Whoops.

      • Jarv says :

        Aussies could be in a bit of shit here now. Lot on Clarke, and he’s out of form, because I’d fancy England to get Voges quickly.

      • Jarv says :

        This is why our 2005 side was so good- if one bowler was off colour, it didn’t matter because Hoggy could tie an end up allowing Vaughan to rotate the other 3. Then when Hoggy needed a rest, Giles tied the end up. This England side doesn’t have anywhere near either that control or those options.

      • Jarv says :

        How the fuck Rogers hasn’t either edged one, or had one carry to a fielder so far is a total fucking mystery. He looks AWFUL. (I’m watching it in the Students Union- on a fact finding mission).

      • Jarv says :

        This will be a bit of chin music for Clarke. That’s not a good plan, but they won’t be able to resist it.

      • Jarv says :

        lucky lucky lucky.

        Christ- I can’t believe this is the same Aussie side from Lords.

      • Jarv says :

        Decent pace from Finn here. Coming back up to 90mph.

        Maybe he’s got it back, but he looked like he was struggling to hit 80 in the ODI’s earlier in the summer.

      • Jarv says :

        Gone. Need Rogers now.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck me. And again. Thick edge just over the fielder.

      • Jarv says :

        Tits. Rain

      • Jarv says :

        Well, that’s about as good as it could have been from England. Rain doesn’t do Rogers any favours as it’ll still be overcast when he comes back out, and he’ll have to start from scratch.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck me Rogers. Just play the fucking game. He’s pulled away at least once every over so far.

      • Jarv says :

        And how the bloody hell did you not edge that?

      • Jarv says :

        And how the bloody hell did that not go to hand.

        This is a spawny fucking innings.

      • Jarv says :

        74-3

        England’s session. Aussies all over the shop. Rogers key wicket, and he could easily have been out about 5 times so far. Think Cook should have bought Anderson back after the break.

      • Jarv says :

        Arseholes. More rain.

      • Jarv says :

        FUCKING BOOM!

        Terrible decision to bat from Clarke. Mind you, dread to think what the Aussie bowlers will do to our batting line up on this.

      • Jarv says :

        England are the worst in the world at bowling at the number 11. Expecting a big stand here.

      • Jarv says :

        Maybe time to take Jimmy off.

      • Jarv says :

        Er, whoops.

        Maybe not.

      • Jarv says :

        Cook’s taking singles for the first time in his career. Clearly doesn’t want to be on strike.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s a good Edgbasten pitch. This was all about the conditions overhead today and England FINALLY pitching it up.

      • Jarv says :

        Bloody hell. He’s scoring at a run a ball. Mind you, it’s not like he’s under pressure. Ever.

      • Jarv says :

        Just get your heads down lads. No need to try to force the pace- you’ve skittled them for fuck all.

      • Jarv says :

        Cook really is such a cunt. He knows Lyth is struggling for form, and needs time in the middle as the axe is hanging over him, so he keeps playing the lad back on strike.

      • Jarv says :

        Yup. Saw that coming.

      • Jarv says :

        Silly boy. There was no need at all to play that. Thrown his wicket away.

      • Jarv says :

        Horrible over from Mitch. Can’t find his line again.

      • Jarv says :

        You stupid cunt, bell

      • Jarv says :

        Well. Finally, a traditional English pitch (Cardiff was traditionally Cardiff- in that it’s always like that, but Cardiff shouldn’t have a test) and our bowlers run riot.

        Relay lords, pronto, or strip it of test status, or only give it a test in May.

      • Jarv says :

        Where is Droid. Bloody typical fair weather Aussie fan.

      • Jarv says :

        Skippy, there’s a rusty trashcan caught down a well, find and retrieve him

      • Jarv says :

        All sorts of excited for today. Could be cracking. England probably all out for about 250.

      • Jarv says :

        England into the lead after a pretty ordinary over from Hazlewood, before Mitch produced a beast to rip out Bairstow.

        Virtually unplayable.

      • Jarv says :

        Just watched it again. Fucking bitch of a ball. Would have got anyone.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck me. Collapse is on. Stokes goes to another beast of a short ball.

      • Jarv says :

        Being churlish. Both were far too short and should probably have been avoided. Or worn. Easier said than done though.

      • Jarv says :

        Buttler ducked the third bouncer of the over. I do wish English batsmen could come to terms with the idea of “avoiding the short ball”.

      • Jarv says :

        The trick now is seeing him off. He’s only capable of 4 overs in a row, and he’s had 2 already.

      • Jarv says :

        This is very sensible from Buttler. If it’s short, leave.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuckssakes, Joe. What was that? Starc was bowling like a total cunt as well. Fucking gift-wrapped wicket.

      • Jarv says :

        50 ahead. Starc is all over the place. I’m furious as to how we’ve batted this morning. It’s been terrible.

      • Jarv says :

        Pathetic from England. Buttler goes LBW to Lyon.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuckssakes. He wasn’t out as well- stupid cunt should have reviewed.

      • Jarv says :

        In fact, given that he was the last batsman, he should have reviewed ANYWAY because England have both reviews left. Stupid cunt.

      • Jarv says :

        That should be Mitch seen off again. Well played lads.

        I doubt very much Clarke will bring Starc back on- think it has to be Hazlewood. Given that one of the batsmen is Broad, anyway.

      • Jarv says :

        Take that back. Starc’s back.

        Weird call.

      • Jarv says :

        Cannot fucking believe we’ve gifted Lyon 3 wickets here. Cook and Bell need to take along hard look at themselves, and Buttler might warrant dropping.

      • Jarv says :

        This is a shocking, Rogers-esque but aggressive, innings from Moeen. Swinging at everything and only scoring from the edge.

      • Jarv says :

        Moeen’s appalling 23 is now the 5th Highest score. 9 batsmen so far haven’t made it to double figures. That is piss poor from both sides.

      • Jarv says :

        Limped to 100 ahead. Could very easily be chasing 350+ on the last innings.

      • Jarv says :

        110. This is some good shit from Broad and Ali- they’re having a go. Fair play to them, I’d rather see them attack than fend and get out.

      • Jarv says :

        Mitch lost his radar again since lunch. Gone for 15 from 2 overs.

      • Jarv says :

        27 from 3, actually.

        Ouch, They may have hit him out of the attack an over early.

        Embarrassingly, for all concerned, this is now the highest partnership of the match. That’s fucking shameful.

      • Jarv says :

        Yup. Pulled him. Hazlewood- who’s been strangely underbowled this morning (I’d certainly have had him instead of Starc)

        The crowd are giving him shit for it as well. If they can get under his skin again, he’ll fall apart.

      • Jarv says :

        Unlucky Stuey. Well played though.

      • Jarv says :

        This should be fun now. Jimmy can hold an end up, but batting is a totally alien concept to Finn. Shit or bust time for Moeen.

      • Jarv says :

        That is not how you bat with the tail, Mo. You know this. Mind you, I can kind of see the logic of letting Finn play himself in v the spinner as opposed to pace.

        This is boring without Droid here.

      • Jarv says :

        All out 281. Really not fucking good enough, but a lead of 141 is not to be sniffed at.

      • Jarv says :

        Bang. Rogers gone. 17-1.

      • Jarv says :

        That should finish Voges career.

        Just need Warner.

      • Jarv says :

        Think we’ll probably be chasing 150ish. Unless we get Warner now.

      • Jarv says :

        This is a genuinely fantastic innings from Warner, given the absolute beating the other batsmen are taking. The cunt.

      • Jarv says :

        Total 100.

        Runs made by Warner: 75.
        Extras: 1

        That means the other SIX Batsmen have contributed 4 apiece.

      • Jarv says :

        Piss poor from Australia.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Indeed. Aussies have been abysmal. Vogues will probably be dropped for Marsh. Clarke looks well and truly done. He’ll play out the series (because the only replacement in the squad is Watto), but after that he’ll be shown the door. Which is sad because he’s only 34 but his back injuries have added up and taken 2 or 3 years off his career. But he looks like Ponting did in the last year of his captaincy. Lost a step, unable to pick the ball up quite as quickly and therefore tentative and unconvincing.

        Mitchell Starc will probably be dropped as well. You’ve got a rock-solid reliable economical tryer riding the bench. Sure, Sids doesn’t have the lethal wicket ball that Starc does, but Starc isn’t bowling them and is wayward. He hasn’t been very good throughout the series. Time to give someone else a go. Hazlewood hasn’t bowled very well in this test, and Mitch has been both very good and very poor in spells. So collectively the Aussies have had a shocking test.

        On the flip side, the Poms have been bowling very well. Finn in particular has been impressive. They’re deservedly in the position to canter to a series lead.

      • Judge Droid says :

        The side I’d go for in the next test…

        Rogers
        Warner
        Smith
        Clarke
        Marsh, S
        Marsh, M
        Nevill
        Johnson
        Hazlewood
        Siddle
        Lyon

        2 further changes from the first test side. They may even roll the dice on Pat Cummins instead of Siddle. Which would be a big gamble. More of a wicket taker than Siddle but with Sids you pretty much know exactly what you’re going to get.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s Trent bridge next. I think the problem is that your order is top heavy. Once 2 of the top 3 are gone there’s fuck all in the middle and it’s asking a lot for the tail to bail you out repeatedly. With that in mind, I’d consider moving smith and Clarke down one and putting marsh in at 3. That way, smith and Clarke stand more of a chance of not facing the new ball early.

        Where we’ve got Smith cheaply, it’s been when one of the openers have failed.

      • Jarv says :

        Again, though, depends how the openers do. Exposing marsh to Finn and Broad early at Trent Bridge could be equally catastrophic.

        In many ways it’s the reverse of England’s problem where 1-3 are stupidly flaky and 4-8 keep having to bail them out. Buttler needs to get his shit together, mind.

      • Jarv says :

        When do the Kiwis next get a pop at the Aussies? If in NZ, I wouldn’t be surprised to see them win. Combined Kiwi Aussie side would have at least 4 Kiwis in it, if not more:

        Williamson, McCullum, One of the hundreds of Kiwi Wicketkeepers, Boult, Southee, and Taylor would all be in consideration.

        Rogers,
        Warner,
        Williamson,
        Taylor,
        Smith,
        McCullum,
        Ronchi (say, but you could make McCullum do it)
        Mitch
        Boult
        Southee
        Lyon

        That’s a good side.

      • Jarv says :

        Severely worried about this chase. Just see off Mitch’s 4 overs- duck or wear anything short, and knock the runs off Starc at the other end. Just don’t hit him out of the attack altogether.

      • Jarv says :

        You can’t play Cummins. He’s had one FIRST CLASS game in 2 years, has never played in England and is raw as fuck. The problem isn’t taking wickets, it’s not leaking runs. England have rocked along at over 4 an over all series, which is a terrible indictment of the Aussie bowlers, given that two of the pitches have been bloody murderous to bat on and they failed at Lords.

        It’s a shootout between Mitch, Mitch, Hazlewood and Cummins for 2 places with Sids nailed on for the other one, for me. Desperately, desperately need to dry an end up, rather than relying on magic balls.

      • Jarv says :

        Our problem now is that Jimmy’s probably out for the rest of the series. He’s been shit for 5 of the 6 completed innings, but his record at Trent Bridge is frightening. Thankfully, Finn’s playing well, so I think we’d probably recall Wood.

        That means we’ll go with:

        Cook,
        Lyth
        Bell
        Root
        Bairstow
        Stokes
        Buttler
        Ali
        Broad
        Wood
        Finn

        I think that’s the fastest attack we’ve had in ages. I’d put Buttler on warning as well- dropping catches, not scoring runs, he’s playing like a cunt.

        If he fails again at Trent Bridge, I’d then want:

        Cook
        Lyth
        Bell
        Root
        Ali
        Stokes
        Bairstow (wk)
        Rashid
        Broad
        Wood
        Finn

        For the oval. Gives us a leg spinner and Rashid is a good batsman as well.

        Lyth is a problem. Admittedly, the press and “fans” have been on his back since the start of the series, but I think he’ll be saved by the lack of alternatives. He’s a good batsman, but is having problems against the Aussies. He’s not alone in that. Alternatives are:

        Hales- plays number 3 in the long form
        Ali to open- crap idea
        Bell to open- worse idea, this is the Trott thinking that’s lead to this mess
        Compton- please god no, dropped for a reason
        Robson- yes, let’s have a stodgy opener who doesn’t know where his off stump it
        Carberry- too old, harshly treated and the establishment hate him

        Or some wild card like Jack Lees.

        Throwing in one of the wild card kids like Lees is just recreating the Lyth mess for another player. He at least needs to see out the summer so we can plan properly.

      • Jarv says :

        Because I’m bored, I’m going to do an England report card:

        1) Cook- 6 out of 10. Batting has been mediocre, captaincy has been better than expected. Needs a score
        2) Lyth- 2 out of 10, and that’s for being able to catch.
        3) Ballance- 1 out of 10. Found out dropped.
        4) Bell- 3 out of 10. I’m not buying the wanking over his 50 in the first innings. The stupid cunt still threw his wicket away, and he’s been shit other than that and his cameo at Cardiff
        5) Root- 8 out of 10. If he doesn’t score, fuck knows who else will
        6) Stokes- 6 out of 10. Decent in Cardiff, Decent in a losing cause at lords, mangled at Edgbasten. Bowling has been shit
        7) Bairstow- too early to say
        8) Buttler- 1 out of 10. Pull your shit together, man. Our worst player so far. Offered nothing.
        9) Ali- 7 out of 10 with the bat, 4 out of 10 with the ball. He’s just not a test off spinner
        10) Broad- 8 out of 10- our most consistent bowler, and batting has been miles ahead of what I was expecting
        11) Wood- 5 out of 10- looked good at Cardiff, shit at lords. Injured
        12) Jimmy- 2 ratings: Edgbasten- 9 out of 10, Cardiff and Lords -9 out of 10. Virtually unplayable in Brum, but looks more and more like he can only play in swinging conditions.
        13) Finn- too early to say, but if he can keep it up he’ll be immense.

      • Jarv says :

        Work is really dragging today. Hurry up and get to the cricket.

      • Jarv says :

        Oh shit. Jimmy is out.

        Got THE FEAR badly now.

      • Jarv says :

        Fucking having kittens. We surely can’t fuck it up from here.

      • Jarv says :

        Fucking edge through the slips in the first over. Fuckssakes. Neville as well.

      • Jarv says :

        TWICE!

        Fuckssakes. STill, that gives Finn a whole over at Starc

      • Jarv says :

        This is shit, Finn. Got to make him play. Stick one into his face, seeing as he was sounding off about Short pitched bowling, then a nice nasty 90mph Yorker.

      • Jarv says :

        Yup, Shit. Nice juicy half volley.

      • Jarv says :

        Fucking spawny cunt.

      • Jarv says :

        Rotten over. Leaving aside Neville’s fluke, the rest of it was garbage.

      • Jarv says :

        Christ. ANOTHER Bloody edge through.

        Bah.

      • Jarv says :

        Then completely did him twice without Starc being good enough to get an edge. This is killing me.

      • Jarv says :

        That was out. This is why you don’t waste reviews on speculative LBW shouts.

      • Jarv says :

        Shit. We’re going to lose this. And we really shouldn’t.

      • Jarv says :

        Wooooooo! Got him. Bowled Finn, great catch Buttler.

        Just 2 more, and then the nervy chase begins.

      • Jarv says :

        1 more. Lead is 100 though. I’d have preferred a LOT less.

      • Jarv says :

        Load of shite about Anderson being vital to England in the next 2 tests. Given that he’s not turned up for every innings bar 1, effectively, I’m not sure that’s true. What is a problem is in THIS test.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuckssakes. We’re letting Lyon score at over a run a ball. Terrible.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck me. Just put it on the stumps.

      • Jarv says :

        Right 121 to win. That’s about 60 too many, but should be doable.

        Fucking tension is killing me.

      • Jarv says :

        *worry worry worry*

        117 to go. Fuckssakes, this is only 13 per batsman.

      • Jarv says :

        hmmm. Apparently Hughes would have replaced Clarke for this tour had he not tragically died.

        I think that’s total bollox to be honest. He was painfully inept against England and had plenty of chances. It would have been madness to pick him.

      • Jarv says :

        Also, apparently, Watto may be in line to replace Marsh.

        I do hope so.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuckssakes Adam.

        I’m all for playing your natural game, but this should be a risk-free chase. That was never cuttable.

      • Jarv says :

        What the fuck? Is Clarke trying to buy Cook? Opening with Lyon?

        Gotta be Mitch. If on song, he’s the only hope. Unless he’s going to rotate the mitches in 4 over bursts. Due to their utter inability to keep the run rate down.

      • Jarv says :

        Ooooooooh shiiiiiiitttttt.

        Cook, you dickhead.

      • Jarv says :

        Fucking hell, Shermi. You’ve had your weetabix for breakfast, haven’t you. Don’t get out.

      • Jarv says :

        Below 100. Very, very shaky shot from Lyth.

        They’re doing it on purpose to give me a fucking aneurysm.

      • Jarv says :

        90. Shermi just walloped Starc for consecutive 4’s. He’s reaching for the Yorker, but not quite getting it and getting clouted as a result.

      • Jarv says :

        Cut it out Shermi. You’re going to hit him out of the attack.

        Or even worse, get out to him.

      • Jarv says :

        Dropped by Clarke. Straight after taking Starc for 12 in the over, Clarke drops Shermi on the last ball. Hopefully that’s a wake up call to the stupid bastard.

      • Jarv says :

        Below 80. Shermi’s gone beserk. It’s like he wants the fastest Ashes 50 from Warner.

      • Jarv says :

        This is not a surprise. Last 2 overs gone for 24. Clarke turns to Mitch.

        That’s it lads. Give him some shit.

      • Jarv says :

        I wish all these Indian tossers would fuck off from Cricinfo’s commentary.

      • Jarv says :

        Best over from any of the Aussie bowlers. Only 4 from it. Not threatening though, really.

        Clarke needs to dry an end up, and let the pressure get to Lyth.

      • Jarv says :

        70 to go.

        That’s 2 overs of Mitch’s first spell done now. Bell, sensibly, playing him out and waiting for Starc/ Hazlewood to return.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Jesus. Is Watto now advising the Poms on reviews?

      • Judge Droid says :

        Anyway, Poms have done enough here to get the win. Be a shocker to lose it from here.

      • Jarv says :

        Be a shocker to lose it from here.

        We should (touch wood etc) win from here, but we’ll make it look unnecessarily hard. This has pretty much been a thrashing, to be honest.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s like they’re trying to get it over by tea. There’s no fucking need to be slapping at everything.

      • Judge Droid says :

        It’s been a thrashing. If you win it by a few runs it’ll still be a thrashing. No comment on the opp, but the Aussies have just been universally terrible, bar a few.

      • Jarv says :

        This has been the strangest series. Australia total dogshit in the first game. England total dogshit in the second. Australia total dogshit in the third.

        I’m mildly curious as to what will happen if both sides either play well at the same time or play badly at the same time.

      • Judge Droid says :

        If both sides play well it’ll be an awesome test closely won within 4 days. If it’s poorly played then it’ll be 5 days leading to a result then a 90 minute rain delay achieving a draw.

      • Judge Droid says :

        “By a few runs” means if we take a few wickets before the Poms get the runs.

      • Jarv says :

        Yeah, I got you.

        It was that first innings performance that cost you. Jimmy was good, but he wasn’t THAT good.

      • Jarv says :

        I hope we don’t drop Lyth. Needs time to bed in, and he’s not exactly facing the Indian attack here.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s meant to be sunny for Trent Bridge next week. If the Groundsmen produce a proper TB pitch, then it’ll swing and seam. If they try to slow it down (with fucking Marijuana lamps or some drivel) then it’ll be a total pudding.

        We need it to do something. We don’t have the extra pace that Australia have. Slowing it down and negating swing means we’ll lose.

      • Jarv says :

        Below 60. This is a serious problem for Australia for the rest of the series. Hazlewood was meant to supply the accuracy- Warne etc were comparing him to McGrath, but he’s bowling at least one pie per over that’s getting slapped.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Yes. You’ll lose if they settle for that pitch. But after this (even if Anderson is out) they’ll push for a swinging/seaming pitch.

      • Jarv says :

        The only time I’ve seen Trent Bridge turn into a pudding was last year v India, and it was the worst test match that I’ve ever seen. “Highlight” was Alastair Cook taking a fucking wicket with his “spin”.

        Horrible, awful match.

        This year, though, we’ve had lots of rain recently, and now it’s drying out but isn’t warm. So it *should* be nice and juicy unless they do something daft with it (Marijuana lamps).

      • Judge Droid says :

        Lyth should be given a fair go. It’s not the easiest series or opp to show your best with.

        I feel bad for Voges. He’s had an easier intro with the Windies but this has been a trial by fire.

      • Jarv says :

        I feel bad for Voges, given how long he’s had to wait, and he’s been a decent county player in his day. But he’s probably had to wait too long.

        Lyth should get a decent go, but he won’t. Our press and “fans” are on his back something fierce. What may save him is lack of alternatives. They’re all varying degrees of poop.

      • Judge Droid says :

        It’s always good to consider what the alternative is. Is there anyone that can feasibly open the batting better than Lyth? I don’t know. But after this, which is a major series full of pressure, what’s next? I think they can afford to stick with him and see how he goes over the next 6-12 months.

      • Jarv says :

        The alternatives are, in no particular order: Carberry (too old, establishment hates him), Robson (Technical issues exposed by India’s quick bowlers, ffs), Hales (bats 3 for his county), Bell (worst idea in history), Ali (second worst idea in history), Compton (dropped for not having a single scoring shot in his locker), Lees (too young, repeat of what Lyth’s having to go through), or some unknown kid.

        Lyth’s easily the best option, and if he’d started in the Windies, instead of fucking Trott (worst piece of Management since Mickey Arthur’s homework exercises), then this would me moot as he’d be bedded in now.

      • Jarv says :

        I genuinely think Buttler is more of a problem, anyway. He’s never been a good keeper, and still isn’t. He’s primarily picked for his batting, and isn’t delivering.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Buttler is not a “permanent” solution for keeper. He may be a serviceable option for the next few years, but he’s not exactly a Gilchrist or Healy. Who were amazing at one thing and pretty decent at the other. Buttler is just pretty decent at both.

      • Jarv says :

        He’s a fucking good limited overs batsman. But not as good in the long form as Bairstow, and his keeping is rubbish. Particularly to spinners.

      • Judge Droid says :

        He looks like a limited overs player. That’s not derogatory. Just observation.

      • Jarv says :

        Yes, he is. He’s a highly, highly destructive T20 batsman and a very decent 50 over one. The problem is he’s trying to play “test” cricket and he’s just no good at it.

      • Jarv says :

        Below 50.

      • Jarv says :

        Got to be careful here. The run rate has slowed and I understand not taking risks, but they’ve still got to knock them off. They’re letting Lyon bowl at them, and need to at least attempt a scoring shot or two against him.

        If they don’t then the chances of something bloody silly happening at the other end rise.

      • Jarv says :

        Combined team would be fairly interesting at this stage:

        Warner,
        Rogers,
        Smith
        Bell (due to lack of alternatives)
        Root
        Stokes
        Neville
        Johnson,
        Broad
        Finn
        Lyon

        Is probably about as good a shout as any. Could swap Ali for Stokes, mind.

      • Jarv says :

        Basically, it’s the Aussie top order, our middle order, and both tails combined. Two very, very fragile batting line ups.

      • Jarv says :

        This is an odd choice. Starc back on for Lyon. If he leaks runs again, then it’ll be over by Tea.

      • Jarv says :

        Below 40. Just waiting for the bad ball from Hazlewood.

        It’s funny, but we’re assuming that Starc is in the firing line for Sids but there’s a good argument for it being Hazlewood to go. He’s there for accuracy and control, and he’s not providing it. Starc and Mitch are always likely to be expensive, but can produce magic, so he may warrant replacing. And not for Cummins.

      • Jarv says :

        Having said that, consecutive wides when you’ve only got 38 left to defend is pretty fucking unforgivable. Just helping England over the line with that shit.

      • Jarv says :

        Never in doubt.

        Played Shermi. Best test in about 2 years for him.

      • Jarv says :

        Right, well played England. Not a lot to say about that, just don’t fucking play like arseholes in the next test.

        Australia on the other hand have serious problems. I thought they were overrated when they arrived here, but the bowling is wayward and as for the batting, the tail starts at 4. I’m not sure who you drop/ bring in to shore up the batting, because it’s a complete disaster and all the options are unappealing. Bowling is an easier fix, Sids has to play.

      • Jarv says :

        Really, getting hammered in 2.5 days should give them pause for thought. Lords was a great all round performance, but they got everything wrong that they could get wrong here.

      • Jarv says :

        England fans getting carried away with Shermi at 3, and bagging Lyth out. We honestly deserve to lose.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Unless pretty decent at both is the norm then Buttler is just what the doctor ordered.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I saw MI5 today BTW. I suppose I can do a review.

      • Jarv says :

        The press are basically just naming anyone who opens for their county. They’re genuinely advocating some cunt who opens for Essex, who are at the bottom of division 2, ffs. Lyth was the highest run scorer in the counties last year. Needs a proper crack without all this “doesn’t look the part” bollocks. He’s facing one of the best attacks in the world in a high pressure situation. He’s hasn’t had the usual easy ride that new players get.

        It really, really pisses me off. I just hope Bayliss is smarter than that.

      • Jarv says :

        Oh, Adam. Wasting a review as well.

      • Jarv says :

        That was terrible. Completely fucking plumb. Idiot.

        He’ll get dropped now, I think.

      • Jarv says :

        We can Still fuck it up from here. Not counting any chickens until we know what the chase will be.

        Having said that, if we do fuck it up, then they want shooting.

  24. Continentalop says :

    Man, someone should do a modern-day Charters and Caldicott movie starring Jarv & Droid.

    • Jarv says :

      Was thinking more statler and Waldorf.

      • Continentalop says :

        That would be me and Xi.

      • Continentalop says :

        That reminds me, I got an idea for an article for me and Xi to do together, but first I’ve got to get done with this stupid Real-Life Super-Hero series. Defendor is pretty much ready to go, I just need like a week off from work so I can take a break from looking at computer screens before I can do one more past and finish it.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m the same. I’ve got Kingsman sitting there glaring at me. I’m thinking of reworking it into a bonus mini review and do Ex_Machina instead. Which a) is a much better film, b) has no Alex Garland patented 3rd Act Meltdown and c)will be a more interesting review.

        Then I’ve got a load of End of the World reviews to do. And I dug out Hardware for the Vault that I need to write up.

        I’ll do it tomorrow 😦

      • Jarv says :

        Watched the Island last night, as I had it in my head it was a post-end of the world thing. It’s actually not terrible, and in another less “flash” director’s hands could have been quite good. McGregor is fucking DIRE in it, though.

        It’s highly watchable, mind. And shit blows up, which is always nice. Dark Overlord Bay should have made ScarJo drop them, though.

      • Jarv says :

        Admittedly, the bi-annual emotional torture that is the Ashes is taking up a lot of my time. One of sports oldest and most ferocious rivalries.

      • tombando says :

        Always wanted to see Xi’s Review of Hobbitses 3. Just because.

      • Jarv says :

        I do too. It’d be fun.

        Anyway, new rec room coming now. Because I’m bored at work and there’s nobody in the office

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