Burt Gummer’s Rec Room- March 2010 Archive

A gathering place for firearms enthusiasts, paranoid survivalists and those who worship at the Church of Chang.


February 2010

January 2010

December 2009

November 2009

2,831 responses to “Burt Gummer’s Rec Room- March 2010 Archive”

  1. koutchboom says :

    God I saw part of Dancing with the Stars and 2 and a Half Men on tv tonight. I’m sorry the fact that you all bitch about shit like Modern Family/Cougar Town/Family Guy/American Dad/The Office/30 Rock/Tosh.0 while those are the two most popular shows on American tv is a bit much. THOSE SHOWS are fucking god awful. I’m happy that those other shows are around still and happy that not everyone feels the need to copy whats popular.

    • Jarv says :

      Koutch, just because that LCD shit is popular doesn’t mean that Family Guy/ The Cleveland Show are any good.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yes but they are 100 times better then that other shit. I mean imagine is 2 and a half men WAS the funniest show on TV how bad it would be.

      • Jarv says :

        2 and a Half douches is funnier than The Cleveland Show.

        That’s how shit the Cleveland show is. The thing is, though, Koutch, that they are deliberate LCD crap- stuff like Family Guy and 30 Rock is trying to be better than that. I quite like 30 Rock, so think to some extent it succeeds but FG doesn’t. It’s crap.

        Although a world where 2.5 tools is the funniest thing on TV makes me sad.

      • koutchboom says :

        No Cleveland show got a lot better and is a lot funnier then 2 and Half Men. That show has not changed since day one. Family Guy does succeed I still don’t know how people can love Airplane but hate hate hate Family Guy. I can see where you say its not as good, but its the same humor. Like Dickblood admits to hating it just because he can’t stand the guys voice, which is fine that makes sense. You can’t get past that of course your not gonna like it. But you’ve seen a bunch of episodes and even admit to likeing a few.

        Also right now South Park is doing shit that they made fun of Family Guy for doing. Both shows have not been that good lately.

      • Jarv says :

        Koutch, I’ll give you an example of why Family Guy fails.

        I was watching last night and Peter sets up the standard joke with “lonelier than Alan Rickman’s ansaphone”. It then cuts to the ansaphone, which plays out a boring message in a fake Rickman voice. Then it carries on with a message from Alan to himself.

        This is a shit joke to begin with. Is it meant to be funny because of his voice? Are we meant to know that he has no friends or something? It’s completely random and away from the actual plot.

        Anyhow, the, for wont of a better word, gag has been going over one unfunny minute, and they haven’t cut away. Rather the phone rings, and we get to hear the ansaphone message AGAIN, before they then do ANOTHER unfunny message from Rickman that lasts about another 2 minutes.

        5 minutes of completely humour free screen time.

        2.5 Men is shit, no argument there, but it serves it’s purpose, at the moment (outside of AD-which is funny) I’m damned if I can tell what McFarlane is playing at.

        Airplane never did things like this. Also, I haven’t seen a new South Park in years (aside from one, which was unfunny shit), so can’t compare.

      • koutchboom says :


        Yes its suppose to be funny because of the way his voice sounds.

        All I’m saying is that you guys act all pissed and miffed that you don’t like modern family/cleveland show/fam guy/tosh.0/cougar town. When what I’m saying is that first off you guys and comedy just seem to be a lose lose situation for the most part around here. But that it could be A LOT WORSE. I mean there are shows on TV I don’t like but I am glad they are on instead of another reality show or 2 1/2 rip off. Shows like Damages/Smallville/Supernatural/Spartacu/All HBO shows fuck even garbage like Gossip Girl. So instead of hating on shows like Fam Guy be happy that it isn’t some Anime Manga crap or possibly no animation on TV. Or a show about a single dad trying to raise his kids (Gary Unmarried I like that show but recognize that its shit).

      • Jarv says :

        By dint of being on at 10Pm on monday night when there’s fuck all on, I’ve actually seen a lot of the Cleveland Show and am yet to laugh once. Worst thing on TV- even worse than 2.5 men.

        The particularly painful one was with Auntie whatever it was that was parodying Big Momma’s House (of all things- wow, how brave).

        Utter shit.

      • Jarv says :

        But it ISN’T funny- and it certainly isn’t worth 5 minutes of screen time. If they’d stopped after the ansaphone message played once, I’d have thought “well, that was shit, can’t all be gold”.

        The problem is, they think that EVERYTHING they write is funny, and in FG and CS, I reckon maybe 10 percent of it is.

        There’s no editorial or quality control operating on it. Someone needs to say- “look, man, that’s a shit joke, come up with something else”

        The reason we, well me, pick on McFarlane is that I am obviously meant to be his target audience- same way as Mrs. Jarv is for 30 Rock. He’s churning out utter shit at a rate of knots and it’s fucking agonising. I don’t give a fuck about American Idol, How I met your mother, 2.5 tards or whatever, because I just won’t watch them, but shit like FG is meant to be for me.

        And it isn’t. That’s the difference, and that’s what pisses me off.

      • koutchboom says :

        Also you said ansaphone.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s what I thought those things are called- I don’t particularly like it, but Answer-phone is probably incorrect.

      • koutchboom says :

        Oh I thought it was some british word for it?

        Also that wasn’t big momma’s house. That was that Tyler Perry character, Madea. KNOW YOU BLACK ACTOR AND FAT OLD LADY SUIT’S DAMNIT!

        Are you telling me you didn’t find the song Balls Deep funny?

      • Jarv says :

        I’m wondering if it got cut from British TV, because I don’t remember it.

        I thought it was BMH- doesn’t matter, still the same joke and still painful.

      • koutchboom says :

        If you do not know the difference between Big Momma and Medea, then clearly you are not the target audience for these shows.

      • Jarv says :

        I know who Madea is.

        Isn’t she meant to be a “real” woman, whereas in BMH it is meant to be a dude. That’s why I thought it was BMH- he’s clearly a dude. In fact, the key “joke” of the episode was that it’s a dude and Cleveland’s dad is banging her/ him.

        As I said, it’s just a terrible joke- and certainly not one worth a whole episode.

      • koutchboom says :

        Actually it’s probably an algamation of both. See she looks like Medea but as you said she really is a man. But the whole I’m OUTRAGEOUS bit is showing how nutty she is which is more like Medea then Big Momma. Big Momma mainly just did guy things like play baseketball.

        But yeah that was a shitty episode.

        Did you happen to see the one where Cleveland became a drug dealer? That was a good episode. I’m not saying that Cleveland show is good by any means, just that its getting better and by far a lot fucking funnier then 2 and a Half Men. Cleveland show has been on just 16 laugh free episodes (and looks to be getting better which makes sense for cartoon shows), where as two and a half men has been on 7 laugh free years.

      • Jarv says :

        In fact, now I think about it this is a perfect example of no quality control.

        Seth “I’ve got a whole episode of the Cleveland Show which is about how funny it would be if Madea is really a man in drag”

        Editor “That’s not funny, why not make it a minor character and a short gag, and anyway didn’t Martin Lawrence do that in that shitty Big Momma’s House?”

        Seth “No, it’s really great, because what’s going to happen is, and you’ll like this, Cleveland’s father is going to fuck her.”

        Editor “Wow, got me sold. Make sure you really labour that gag though, and throw in some vomit. That’s always funny, and not at all adolescent”.

      • Jarv says :

        Hence Auntie Grandma or whatever it was called playing football.

        2.5 men has been on 7 years? Christ, I’ve only seen the first 2 series, and have laughed about 5 times.

      • koutchboom says :

        See thats what I’m talking about.

        I actually doubt Seth has really little anything to do with Cleveland Show. He even said that he didn’t beyond voices. But since it was so bad to start maybe he’s step in.

      • Jarv says :

        Someone needs to. I blamed him, and it’s probably unfair. Substitute head writer for “Seth” in that, and the point still stands.

        Nobody is saying “that’s a shit joke” to anyone that works on FG or CS- and someone needs to. If he’s voicing it, then he must know.

        Now I think about it, there was a doc on FG on before the BBC showed Blue Harvest (which I half liked) and he was reading his new script to the cast who were howling like Jackals- and it honestly wasn’t that funny.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah when I’ve seen it I wonder if Mr. Sheen even realizes he’s doing a TV show?

      • Jarv says :

        and that’s fair enough.

        By the way, you were right. Mirageman is mint.

      • koutchboom says :

        Awesome! Glad you liked it. Really don’t like the idea of America remaking it. I wonder how much the original guys will be involved. I need to seek down Mandrill thats their newest one.

      • Jarv says :

        Moving to the bottom of the thread now.

    • koutchboom says :

      Yeah I know what you are saying about his ego. For the Something Something Dark Side one they showed a script read through and it was like 100 people crammed into a small room and only like 5 of them did voices while Seth did 75% of the work and they all laughed like crazy.

      But really? You’ve actually sat through 2 WHOLE seasons of 2 and a Half Men? I don’t think I can make it through 20 minutes of one episode. Even on a plane where I was forced to watch it I took my head phones off and read the Sky Mall instead.

      • Jarv says :

        Mrs. Jarv likes it, and it’s always on on Sunday night.

        Every episode is basically the same.

        Charlie Sheen far outclasses everyone on the screen, and he gets all the best jokes.

      • koutchboom says :

        And like I said Cleveland show does show signs of getting better. The first season of American Dad sucked and its gotten amazingly better ever since. SO maybe next season of Cleveland Show will be a lot better. We’ll have to wait and see.

        Like this recent one where they went to New York was good. Also all the fucking just random references to TONS AND TONS of shit that is put into Fam Guy/Dad/Show is part of its geek charm. I love stupid trivia and that’s half the fun watching those shows is trying to figure out what movie they are ripping on. You can tell that its written by guys like me at least.

      • Jarv says :

        American Dad is far and away the best of them because although it does rip on movies etc, it does it well and without crippling the comedy.

        FG in particular is horribly guilty of overextending things.

        That’s my point, though, I get where the references are coming from, but most of the time they go on too long and are just not funny. I suspect it’s written by guys with our breadth of knowledge, just someone has to rein them in. There’s no quality control

      • koutchboom says :

        You just get a lot more upset about the guy falling down and holding his leg for 30 seconds. And exgerate, it never goes on for five minutes. The only time they can really be accused of that is the overly long chicken fight that was like 1/3rd of an episode. But I thought that was funny.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m not just upset about that, although it is a shit joke.

        Don’t forget it lasts way longer than 30 seconds, and they’ve used it at least 3 times. Or Conway fucking Twitty for a WHOLE SONG (used twice), or the chicken fight (now you mention it- used at least twice) or the Rickman gag above.

        No quality control at all. I almost think they’ve got contempt for their audience- as if nobody will notice that they’re reusing the same time-fillers that they used first time.

      • koutchboom says :

        I mean the time fillers are part of the joke.

        Like have you seen the episode where they throw in the fake Adult Swim bump? Since you don’t watch Adult Swim you probably had no idea what it was. They do shit like the holding the leg in pain and Conway Twitty shit because they know it pisses some people off to no extent. While most find it funny. And sorry I always say Airplane, but I mean Naked Gun and Police Squad. Its that same sense of humor. Though there really is no differnce they both are Arbrams and the Zucker brothers and Family Guy humor comes from that. Its almost like people totally forget the whole Saturday Night Fever scene in Airplane that takes up a good chuck of time. Thats just like a stupid Fam Guy cut away or song and dance number.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m not forgetting it- and there are other flashbacks in Airplane, but as a whole it works a lot better- one of them in particular fills out character.

        I’m really sorry, but if they reuse the same unfunny shit because it pisses people off then that’s an Epic Fail. That’s not how to make quality stuff, that’s how to be an asshole- especially if it alienates people that should be your fan base. Torchwood did that in the UK and was easily the worst thing on for a while. (Not comedy, but they deliberately shoe-horned crap in to piss people off)

      • koutchboom says :

        Well like I said, some fan’s like the jokes.

  2. koutchboom says :

    Also watching the Informant! and its a lot better and funnier then I thought it would be.

  3. koutchboom says :

    Mad Dog Burt Gummer was on Tim and Eric this week. It was a Birdemic special episode.

    This is gross.

    This is Michael Gross.


  4. Jarv says :

    It’s all very quite at the moment. Anyone seen Skippy?

  5. Jarv says :

    I’ve been copying those searches for Frank (it made me laugh that there’s about 50 “Where the fuck is…” searches) that people put in and he’s yanked everything he’s ever done off the internet.

    • just pillow talk says :

      Frankie, you dirty cunt. Come back and throw your shit back up here. It’s some hilarious stuff.

      And I kid…you’re not that dirty.

      So rub some dirt on it and get back in the game.

  6. just pillow talk says :

    So I watched Transsiberian last night, and it was pretty damn good. Granted, I did find Woody’s wife a bit annoying, but the whole story was told well. It seemed like more of an old time movie, if you know what I mean. The story and events were left to be unfolded…no crazy camera shit going on. Just the actors playing off the situations. No cray heroic shit.

  7. xiphos0311 says :

    Pillow the march to mediocrity starts Sunday.

  8. xiphos0311 says :

    Milflover’s name got a search hit. I bet that was one disappointed perv.

    • Jarv says :

      More than likely.

      I’m still laughing at the amount of idiots that looked for “Possibly homosexual army”.

      Which is a completely accurate description of Megaforce, but a gross mislead for them

    • herr milflover says :

      SWEEEEEEEEEET! Finally some recognition! hahaha

      ….wait, why disappointed?
      Are you saying I’m not good jerking off material?

      • xiphos0311 says :

        you very well could be i just figured some lonely dude was looking for milf porn to get sideways with.

      • herr milflover says :

        I did a google search on “milflover” just for fun, and while I did come across a couple random links to posts of mine from AICN and a few other places, pretty much everything else is unsurprisingly porn-related, and made me realize that, also unsurprisingly I suppose, a LOT of people use ‘milflover’ as their handle on sites. And I swear none of them are me.
        But my search so far didnt find anything that links to THIS site, so that one search hit must have taken the dude quite a while… I guess he is getting blase with every kind of porn available.

  9. koutchboom says :

    And Speaking of TV…. Jon Bernthal you better not fuck it up! You actually look like Shane.

    He is going to be playing the lead in the AMC TV show of possible the greatest comic series of all time The Walking Dead. I’m telling if you like zombie’s and you are not reading The Walking Dead, then you must not really like Zombie’s. It’s fan fucking tastic.

    • Jarv says :

      Never even heard of it. I’ll look it up.

      • koutchboom says :

        PREPARE TO BE HOOKED! I mean the story is more of the Drama after the zombie’s, but its so good you won’t want to put it down. Also the art is amazing. It’s black and white but you won’t even notice that. Seriously, pick up the first trade and give it a shot.

        Also I read Nemisis last night and I really think you would like Mark Millar’s work. Mainly because when I hear shit he writes the same voice pops into my head that does when I read the shit you write (even though he’s a dumb Glasgowian). I think you would get a kick out of Wanted.

        BUT if you have to chose between the two, pick The Walking Dead.

      • Jarv says :

        Isn’t he a nihilistic cunt with juvenile tendencies?

        Having not seen Wanted because I was put off by the reanimated skeleton that is Jolie, but read the convo the other day, I don’t think I am like him. I don’t have the same sensibilities.

      • koutchboom says :

        You heard Conti’s side of the argument. First off the Wanted movie is complete shit and I hate it. But he comic is awesome. The comic is making fun of Batman so of course Conti hates it. Yes he has juvenile tendencies, but Wanted the comic is like an awesome B-movie.

      • xiphos0311 says :


        the first 7 or 8(except for one of them) volumes of the Walking Dead were good. The last three volumes have bottomed WAY out, way way way out.

        Making TWD into a TV show is going to piss the nerds off something fierce because they are going to have to really jack with the characters and the story lines to make the jump from comic strip to TV.

      • koutchboom says :

        You think so? Also I’m on 8 right now I think and they are up to 10? Why did you think they dropped in quality? Well wait I guess I’ll have to see.

        I think it will make the jump to TV just fine. Its very cinematic in scope and the art isn’t too crazy that they couldn’t do it in real life. The only thing will be the jump from black and white, and how the zombies will look. Since a lot of the zombies are walking 50% decomposed looking things.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        Wanted, the funnybook, blew chunks the movie probably did also but it looked like shit so i skipped it.

        Wanted was proof that Millar hates comic nerds. He made their wish fulfillment character into a sleazy rapist piece of shit.

      • koutchboom says :

        The Walking Dead will succeed in my book as long as this character:


        is played by Danny Trejo

      • xiphos0311 says :

        TWD isn’t cinematic in the least bit. It’s a character study about survival on an intimate level. A cinematic zombie type movie would be something like World War Z that spans the globe with heroes and major battles and politics; and not a story focusing on a bunch of humps in an RV trying to survive.

        The comic nerd are all ready whinging over how TWD HAS to be B+W or else it will fail. Literal minded comic strip fucks don’t or can’t realize that different mediums require different approaches to the material and as long as they get the ideas and sprite of the funny book right and not make substantial changes just to be making changes then it is alright.

      • koutchboom says :

        Well thats why its being turned into a TV show rather then a movie. So we can met all these characters and give them a chance to breath. I think it will be a huge success. Kirkman has held out to get this thing right. All the right pieces are there for this to be awesome.

    • koutchboom says :

      Wait fuck…Shane. Which fucking character is Shane? Rick is the main guy. Yeah their are a lot of characters in the book.

  10. koutchboom says :

    Also Frank Darabount is directing and working on it. Though someone at Gingertown brough up a good point that a big chunk of it takes place in a prison so OF course Frank wants to work on it.

    Thomas Jane would be perfect as the lead Rick, and seeing that he worked with Frank before I wonder if he will or not?

  11. Jarv says :

    Also got Killtro to watch- need to get Gomorrah at some point, the prophet and a few others.

    Finally got Vice Squad.

    • koutchboom says :

      I didn’t like Kiltro as much. But its got a midget.

      I really liked Gomorrah, its the mafia movie I’ve been needing to see. Good stuff.

  12. xiphos0311 says :

    I’ve never seen an episode of 2.5 men but I know for a fact it’s better and funnier then anything ever produced by that cock bag Seth McFarland.

    • koutchboom says :

      Yeah, you HAVEN’T seen an episode of 2 and A Half Men.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s a bit turd comparison.

        The funniest thing McFarlane has ever done, and it was funny, is the James Bond American Dad- the “Oscar Gold” thing was a riot.

      • koutchboom says :

        I prefer the North By North West Family Guy Episode.

      • kloipy says :

        Yeah I’m a huge fan of American Dad (i can’t stand family guy or cleveland show). The series started off slow, but it’s been so hilarious the past few seasons. Though for me nothing tops the Simpsons

  13. xiphos0311 says :

    Family guy was OK, nothing special, except for maybe Brian and Stewie the first time it was on. Since it came back it is unwatchable garbage. Pointless “jokes” that meander to nowhere, relentless pop culture references that ad nothing unfunny observations about shit.

    I tried to watch American dad but i couldn’t because i could not even see it through the tears caused by boredom.

    Cleavland show just looks painful.

    Fucking McFarland is a talentless shit eating fuck.

  14. Jarv says :

    Well that’s weird.

    It isn’t the burner that’s fucked. Or the PC. A few episodes of the wire, is all.

  15. koutchboom says :

    Anyone seen Animal Kingdom? Looks like a cool Aussie flick.

  16. herr milflover says :

    OH!!! Look at this!

    There appears to be a few pawprints that Frank didnt manage to erase from the net, scroll down in the comments:


    • Jarv says :

      It’s because he can’t erase them from there- he hasn’t got admin priveleges.

      He’s erased all his reviews etc even from places like Amazon. Which is a shame.

      • Bartleby says :

        Yea, I don’t know what he was trying to do exactly, but he must have had some reason to take it that widespread. I think I’ll honor whatever it was he was doing, and just remove the cinematropolis comments as well.

        And if you are floating out there in the ether Franklin, and haven’t been killed or eaten, drop me an email:


      • koutchboom says :

        Well there are only 6 episodes of Lost left SOOO maybe he’ll be back in 6 weeks?

      • Jarv says :

        Doubtful- he’s erased everything on the internets that he could.

        I think he’s packed in the internet.

  17. Chipps says :

    i like family guy. american dad, a fair bit less but still watchable. not planing to watch cleavland show.

  18. Chipps says :

    animal kingdom hasn’t had a release here, but it does look good. i think that guy pearce is channeling booney.

  19. Chipps says :

    supernatural is back on. I think that 1) since they regularly use the character’s names in episode titles 2) sam and dean are brothers and 3) sam’s character keeps going through this is he the anti christ isn’t he the anti christ? next time they dread up that plot line they should call the episode: ‘dean and cain’.

    Just a thought.

  20. Droid says :

    Obvious observation of the day.

    Nicholas Sparks is a fucking douchebag.

    From a USA Today article about his latest shitfest…

    Sparks says: “I’m going to interrupt you there. There’s a difference between drama and melodrama; evoking genuine emotion, or manipulating emotion. It’s a very fine eye-of-the-needle to thread. And it’s very rare that it works. That’s why I tend to dominate this particular genre. There is this fine line. And I do not verge into melodrama. It’s all drama. I try to generate authentic emotional power.”

    But, well, he always does kill someone by the end of his tales, usually to maximum handkerchief effect.

    “Of course!” Sparks says. “I write in a genre that was not defined by me. The examples were not set out by me. They were set out 2,000 years ago by Aeschylus, Sophocles and Euripides. They were called the Greek tragedies. A thriller is supposed to thrill. A horror novel is supposed to scare you. A mystery is supposed to keep you turning the pages, guessing ‘whodunit?’

    “A romance novel is supposed to make you escape into a fantasy of romance. What is the purpose of what I do? These are love stories. They went from (Greek tragedies), to Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, then Jane Austen did it, put a new human twist on it. Hemingway did it with A Farewell to Arms.”

    That’s one of his favorites, and he points it out as he walks the aisles of the bookstore.

    “Hemingway. See, they’re recommending The Garden of Eden, and I read that. It was published after he was dead. It’s a weird story about this honeymoon couple, and a third woman gets involved. Uh, it’s not my cup of tea.” Sparks pulls the one beside it off the shelf. “A Farewell to Arms, by Hemingway. Good stuff. That’s what I write,” he says, putting it back. “That’s what I write.”

    Cormac McCarthy? “Horrible,” he says, looking at Blood Meridian. “This is probably the most pulpy, overwrought, melodramatic cowboy vs. Indians story ever written.”

    Sparks’ favorite tale of youth? “I think A Walk to Remember,” he says, citing his own novel. “That’s my version of a coming-of-age.” He pauses and adds: “You have to sayTo Kill a Mockingbird is an all-time classic.”

    • Jarv says :

      Cunt doesn’t know what he’s talking about. There’s no link from Euripedes to Jane Austen.

      Pretentious twat.

    • M. Blitz says :

      That is so fucking FUNNY. Nicholas Sparks, goddamn….

    • lordbronco says :

      I have one better for you.

      This is literally the most pretentious haul of claptrp ever uttered on the internets.

      I makes me think of what that pretentious wnaker was going on about, god damn his soul to the lake of fire.

      However droid, it is much appreciated to see the utter destruction of the human language in service of self-aggrandizing ego-puffery!

      Wait, there is more!

      Lovingly, LB

      And… I… Snip…

      About ABSU
      With the dawn of a new year upon us and almost a decade into a new millennium, the time is now for the return of Mythological Occult Metal’s forefathers to issue a new and unique vision. February 2009 will see the band’s first full length album since 2001’s famed Tara in the form of the eponymous-titled, Absu. The album sees Proscriptor McGovern leading a new band into what is easily its strongest/most accomplished material and promises not only to wave the flag high of it’s past, but to embrace the new with every bit as much vigor and aggression.

      To fully understand the musical mystery and mythology of the band, one has to dig deep into the roots of its complex gathering of artists and musicians. Only then is one prone to discover that ABSU are not only in it for the music, but for the advancement of its art. The lyrical content within ABSU’s music is based on such themes as Sumerian/Mesopotamian/Celtic mythology, Goetic/Chaos/ Enochain Magic(k), Thelemic Mysticism, Metaphysics, Necromancy and Barbarism.

      The birth of what we now know as ABSU began under the name Dolmen in 1989, which was founded by Shaftiel and Equitant Ifernain. By 1990, the band had taken the name Azathoth, but by 1991 had changed it once again, this time to ABSU releasing the Immortal Sorcery single followed by its debut demo Return to the Ancients.

      The Temples of Offal 7” EP was recorded in late 1991, but saw the departure of early members, guitarist Gary Lindholm and drummer Daniel Benbow – this opened the door to new members Proscriptor McGovern and Daviel Athron Mystica whose 1992 arrival came as the result of the disintegration of the band MAGUS.

      The result of this amalgam was the colossal debut album Barathrum: V.I.T.R.I.O.L. Released in 1993, the album saw the short-lived addition of keyboardist Black Massith who, along with Mystica, left the fold shortly thereafter leaving Shaftiel and Equitant to cover both bass and guitar duties. And thus the era of ABSU as a trio was at hand. The Sun of Tiphareth­ followed in 1995 and assured the band had not suffered from any of the usual pitfalls associated with a sophomore release. The truth was quite the contrary in fact, which lead to successful touring throughout North America and Europe. For live performances, they recruited Mezzadurus (a.ka. Chris Gamble) of Bloodstorm/ Goreaphobia fame for bass and co-vocalist assistance until 2002.

      The band’s next effort was the stunning Celtic-inspired recording, 1997’s The Third Storm of Cythrául, which once again proved the band was as solid as a trio as the extreme metal world had seen since the likes of Sodom and Destruction. ABSU quickly followed this up with the In the Eyes of Ioldánach EP in 1998.

      What followed that was the creation of what was easily the pinnacle of the bands tenure as a three-piece, 2001’s conceptual album Tara. That year also incidentally saw the band recruit a new second guitarist, Kashshapxu, as the band were primed to take Mythological Occult Metal to the masses.

      However, in early 2002, Equitant left due to musical differences and during this period Proscriptor auditioned for Slayer, who eventually went with their original drummer Dave Lombardo. Afterwards, Proscriptor severely injured his hand in an accident, which required surgery and several months of healing and rehabilitation. By the time Proscriptor was ready to perform again, Shaftiel no longer had any interest in the band while Kashshapxu also left due to musical differences. The future of ABSU was for the first time, uncertain. Proscriptor then put ABSU on hold and decided to work on other projects. In 2005, Proscriptor and Equitant put together a collection of rare, live and unreleased ABSU recordings and released it under the title Mythological Occult Metal: 1991-2001.

      With the band officially on hiatus, Proscriptor worked on other projects including Equimanthorn (with Equitant and members of The Soil Bleeds Black), Proscriptor (his own project of neo-folk/classic rock fused music), and Starchaser Network (with Equitant and Victorious; electronic art/rock band). Additionally, he was the drummer/lyricist for Melechesh from 1999 to 2004 (and still contributes lyrics and vocals to this day) and has done session work with numerous bands around the globe. Proscriptor also has his own record label, Tarot Productions.

      In May 2007, Proscriptor made his intentions clear to carry on and reincarnate ABSU by enlisting guitarists Aethyris McKay and Vastator Terrarum to the band. In November 2007, they announced they had signed with Candlelight Records for their future recordings and would also release a 7″ EP through Relapse Records titled Speed N’ Spikes featuring their first new material in seven years. That same month also saw Vastator leave the band, but was instantly replaced by Zawicizuz. In October 2008, the band added ex-Panzram member Ezezu as bassist and co-vocalist, after completing the recording of their latest, eponymous-titled album, set for release on February 16th (Europe) / February 24th, (USA) 2009 on Candlelight Records.

      Studio Releases
      – Barathrum: Visita Interiora Terrae Rectificando Invenies Occultum Lapidem (V.I.T.R.I.O.L.) – (1993) (Gothic Records/Osmose Productions)
      – The Sun of Tiphareth – (1995) (Osmose Productions)
      – The Third Storm of Cythrául – (1997) (Osmose Productions)
      – In the Eyes of Ioldánach [EP] – (1998) (Osmose Productions)
      – Tara – (2001) (Osmose Productions/Olympic)
      – Mythological Occult Metal: 1991-2001 – (2005) (Osmose Productions/The End)
      – Absu – (2009) (Candlelight Records)

      Additional Releases
      – The Temples of Offal [7” EP] – (1992) (Gothic Records)
      – …And Shineth Unto the Cold Cometh… [7″ EP] – (1995) (Osmose Productions)
      – Gummo [Soundtrack] – (1997) (London Records)
      – In The Visions Of Ioldánach [Video] – (1999) (Osmose Productions)
      – L’Attaque Du Tyran: Toulouse, Le 28 Avril 1997 [7″ EP] – (2007) (Agonia Records)
      – Split with Demonical [7″ EP] – (2007) (Temple Of Darkness Records)
      – Speed N’ Spikes 2 [Split 7″ EP with Rumpelstiltskin Grinder] – (2008) (Relapse Records)

      Current Members
      – Proscriptor – Drums, Lead Vocals, Mellotron & Lyrics (1992-)
      – Vis Crom – Guitars & Synthesizers (2009-)
      – Aethyris – Guitars & Synthesizers (2007-)
      – Ezezu – Bass & Lead Vocals (2008 -)

      Former Members
      – Zawicizuz – Guitars & Synthesizers (2007-2009)
      – Vastator – Guitars & Backing Vocals (2007-2008)
      – Shaftiel – Guitars & Vocals (1991-2003)
      – Kashshapxu – Guitars (2001-2003)
      – Mezzadurus – Bass & Vocals (1995-2002: Live Session Member)
      – Equitant – Guitars & Bass (1991-2002)
      – Daviel Athron Mystica – Guitars (1992-1993)
      – Black Massith – Keyboards & Sequencing (1992-1993)
      – G. Lindholm – Guitars (1991-1992)
      – D. Benbow – Drums (1991-1992)

  21. Jarv says :

    Frighteningly there have been 2 referrals from something called:


    I’m too scared to click on that. It must have a fanbase.

  22. koutchboom says :

    GOD I watched the first half of the Squeakquel last night. I wasn’t tired I think my brain just thought I was done thinking for the night and powered down.

    Though surprisingly not as god fucking awful as the first.

    • M. Blitz says :

      Hahahaha, there are constant Squeakquel commercials on tv (I love saying Squeakquel, by the way)…There was also some ridiculous article about how none of the actresses playing the Chipettes knew that the voices are SPED UP to sound like chipmunks, and that you don’t have to actually talk in a squeak. Yeah right….

  23. koutchboom says :

    You know that was kind of dick he took his Tremors 3 review off. He at least could have left that.

    • Jarv says :


      We need someone to redo it- Kloipy, Milf, Xi, or Barfy,

      or Blitz if she’s feeling brave!

      I can understand not coming any more, but why take off all your stuff? I couldn’t be arsed to do that- especially with comments and the like. He must have been pissed off. Wonder what we did.


      • Droid says :

        Jonah wanted to do one, but lost out to Koutch. Maybe he’d want to do it.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s a good shout.

        How have you been, thought you’d gone as well for a bit ?

      • Droid says :

        I’m still around. Just been out of sorts the past few days as I stuffed my back again. Not really been in the mood for anything other than feeling sorry for myself.

        You’d know if I left because before I did I’d send each and every one of you a War & Peace length diatribe telling you exactly what I thought of you.

      • koutchboom says :

        You pull a muscle in your back?

      • Jarv says :

        Wouldn’t expect anything less.

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, I did it a few weeks ago, but then I did it again on the weekend. It’s nothing too serious (I hope), but it’s fucking annoying.

      • koutchboom says :

        Sucks man. That happened to me like a year or two ago. I was living by myself. Took me like a half hour to get out of bed. Finally got to the Dr.s and they treated me like shit, I think they thought I was out just to get pills. Fuck I still have stuff left over that they gave me. It fucking sucks though. And all that you can really do it feel sorry foryour self for being so useless.

        To make matters worse I ended up seeing Indiana Jones 4 that night.

      • Droid says :

        The most frustrating thing for me is just stuff like putting on my fucking shoes and things like that. Or getting up to take a piss. It’s shit like that which is really annoying.

        Luckily it’s not really bad. I’ve just got to be conscious of it for a while.

      • Jarv says :

        He did it running towards a group of children with his trousers round his ankles.

        1 million internets to whoever knows where I got that from.

      • Droid says :


        Must everything degenerate in to a kiddie fiddler joke with you? It is so uncouth.

        I’ve got to review stay hungry and I can tell you what. I could fill an entire review giving you shit by relating it to you.

        But I won’t. Because I’m not an unrefined heathen like you.

      • Jarv says :

        “unrefined heathen”

        From an Aussie!

        I’ll have you know that I am a properly educated English gentleman, unlike you sons of criminals.

        I’m so offended now.

        Especially considering that was a relatively high-brow quote.

      • kloipy says :

        I’m up for the challenge but I need to rent that shit again. But i just saw droids post so if Jonah wants it he can take it

  24. Bartleby says :

    Yea, the Frank mystery is sort of strange indeed.

    Kind of disconcerting that none of us got so much as a ‘fare thee well.’

    I feel like it’s the start of pulpy horror novel. Who’s next?

    I can get a Tremors 3 review up, but it won’t be til after the weekend if you want me to.

  25. Bartleby says :

    And that crap from above that Droid posted–the Sparks interview–is complete nonsense. It honestly feels like something you would see on The Simpsons with a trite puff of an author wandering the halls of the local library and casting the classics right off the shelf.

    I love how the douchebrain actually cites his own book as his favorite coming of age story.

    I have news for you Mr. Sparks. I’ve seen Last Song and the only piece of ‘classic’ literature it has anything in common with is the nutritional diagram on the back of a Big Mac wrapper; it’s full of useless, physically harmful crap.

    • Jarv says :

      Everything he’s done, that I’ve seen on screen, I wouldn’t read one, has been fucking dismal.

      How dare the arrogant cunt rank himself above To Kill a Mockingbird?

    • Droid says :

      This is in the Ebert review of Last Song…

      “The Last Song” is based on the novel by Nicholas Sparks, who also wrote the screenplay. Sparks recently went on record as saying he is a greater novelist than Cormac McCarthy. This is true in the same sense that I am a better novelist than William Shakespeare. Sparks also said his novels are like Greek Tragedies. This may actually be true. I can’t check it out because, tragically, no really bad Greek tragedies have survived. His story here amounts to soft porn for teenage girls, which the acting and the abilities of director Julie Anne Robinson have promoted over its pay scale.

  26. Bartleby says :

    clarification: nothing of Droid’s is crap, I was just referring to the asinine behavior of Sparks in the interview.

  27. koutchboom says :

    Hey Bart. Clash….any good?

    • Bartleby says :

      Here’s the deal. I have a birthday this weekend, and a bunch of the gang wanted to get together and go to it. Fearing it was awful, and would feel compelled to pull out of the movie for a second viewing, I gave my pass to a guy’s kid last night so they could all go.

      My friend said it sucked though, although he and I don’t always see eye to eye on movies. He called it flat and uninteresting. To put in perspective he also thinks the original is awful.

      I’m going to see giant monsters, but will accept character development should it arise.

      • koutchboom says :

        Cool. I can’t believe people are excited to see this in 3-D. I finally saw the 3-D tv commercials last night, lame.

        I kind of hope this movie back fires. Also the Krakken looks like Tim Roth Hulk pretty much.

      • Jarv says :

        So do I.

        We used to get to watch the original instead of Latin lessons every so often when I was at school. It holds a very special place in my heart and I hate the remake.

      • koutchboom says :


        “this stands as THE defining moment we watched 3-D actually destroy a film and stand testament to the terrible, terrible idea of adding it in post-production. It is an effect so bad that it is all most of us can talk about.”

  28. Droid says :

    Jarv, sometime on the weekend you said you needed subtitles for Mirageman. Did you see my response?

  29. Jarv says :

    Yeah- got it sorted. Couldn’t work out how to combine them on to one DVD though, so just watched it on the laptop.


    • Droid says :

      If the two files (movie & subs) are labeled as the same thing, as in “Mirageman DVD” then the dvd player should pick up that there is subtitles avail so you can just put them on using the remote.

      Or I have software that combines the two, which I use for the PS3 because it won’t read sub files the same way.

      • Jarv says :

        I eventually worked out that it’s the software I’ve got. What are you using? I’m using an old version of Xilisoft- until my fucking PS3 turns up and then I need to get something new, as I don’t need to convert them with that.

      • Droid says :

        You mean to combine the two? I’m not sure what it’s called. It’s some freeware application. I’ll have a look when I get home.

  30. Jarv says :

    I’ve got an absolutely scathing review to do of a piece of shit called The Woods, which featured The Chin. A proper 0 Chang film. Staggeringly dull, ludicrously contrived and just complete wank.

    For shame, your chinliness.

    That’s now the third film about Witchcraft that I’ve seen on the bounce that can only be described as Wank. I’m starting to think Suspiria is the only good one.

    • M. Blitz says :

      Fucking love Suspiria….Beautiful!

    • Droid says :

      What about The Craft or The Covenant? Both awesome.

      • Jarv says :

        I watched the Craft again recently and it’s a bit poo to be honest.

        The Covenant is wank with one exception: “I’ll make you my wee-otch” which was genius.

        Anyway, aren’t they goblins in The Covenant?

      • Droid says :

        I was joking in case you missed it.

        Goblins? Don’t remember that. Weren’t they warlocks or something?

        Fuck, I don’t know. I don’t remember it at all.

        But there is of course Practical Magic.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m sure they were “becoming” or something which was them transforming into Goblins.

        Fucking silly movie- after the transformation they just threw slightly bigger balls of energy at each other.

    • koutchboom says :

      I told you that movie was lame.

  31. Jarv says :

    Off to the pub.

    On holiday tomorrow (until 12th April), but apparently we don’t have internet because of a fucking fire or some such bollocks. Hopefully we do.

    Fucking HMV NEED to pull their finger out and get me MY PS3!

    It’s 4 fucking days now and they’ve just sent an email to say out of stock, annoyingly both God of War 3 and Final Fantasy 13 have arrived before the fucking console.

    • Droid says :

      Well, if you don’t have internet, have a good easter.

      Hopefully your PS3 will come and you’ll successfully spend it on the couch making a character wander around a market talking sing song gibberish to people.*

      *That’s my impression of Final Fantasy.

      • Jarv says :

        Well, I admit to having a blind spot with it.

        They’ve phased the fucking around in markets out- when you get to a city there’s a cut scene, then you buy whatever shit you need and go on with the story.

        Really off now, stayed longer than I meant to. I’m sure the internets will work, as I’ve got a lot of downloading to do.

      • M. Blitz says :

        Have a good one Jarv

  32. Chipps says :

    watched about half the clip for ‘last song.’ couldn’t finish it, so many cliches

  33. lordbronco says :

    Alright-LB needs your help to get 15th anniversary Schwag:

    Please be so kind as to click on: http://social.bioware.com/brc/1522830

    I’m trying to win a poster for my RPG game-I swear-it’s not like farmville or mafia wars!

    • xiphos0311 says :

      I clicked on that link is that all I was supposed to do?

      • lordbronco says :

        Thank you Xi, and anyone else who clicked it. It is a 15th Anniversary contest, where every click i get creates tokens in my account to bid on really nifty schwag, up to and including brand new gaming PC for this first time ever contest. Honestly, thank you very much, sir. It does nothing, it means nothing.

    • Jarv says :

      Why the fuck is on “choose language” a picture of the fucking Canadian flag next to English?

      American English is bad enough. There’ll be fucking convict English next.

      Actually convict english already exists- turn a statement into a question by raising the tone of your voice on the last word.

      • Droid says :

        Yeah I noticed that too.

        Actually convict english already exists- turn a statement into a question by raising the tone of your voice on the last word.

        Is that anything like asking questions that actually act as statements?

        Orroight? = Hello. Do not confuse the locals by responding. This is meant to be a greeting.

        Yeah? = Appears at the end of every fucking sentence, presumably as a prompt to see if the listener is still conscious.

      • Droid says :

        Ha! “everything2.com” is apparently now the berometer of social observation.

        as a method of eliciting a response to the question of whether or not they were being clearly understood.

        Sounds like my “Yeah?” observation. Maybe I should submit it to “everything2.com” and see if they deem it worthy for publishing.

      • Jarv says :

        To be honest, I didn’t even bother looking at it. I just googled Australian Questioning Intonation. First place I heard the term was in a lecture from noted Aussie closet lesbo Germaine Greer.

      • Droid says :

        Well that’s your first problem right there… You were listening to Germaine Greer.

      • lordbronco says :

        the game company is actually based in Canada-and they are a fun success story-they are the undisputed Kings of fun cutting edge RPGs.
        Though I grew up with timex Sinclair computers and Pong consoles, their brand new Titles Mass effect (SciFi) and Dragon Age (fantasy) have been setting records in the lives of formerly productive adults.

        My take is that since the developer company is Canadian, you are lucky all of the message boards aren’t in french…

        Viva la Quebec!

      • Chipps says :

        really? You live and learn?

    • Chipps says :


  34. xiphos0311 says :

    Here’s some interesting searches:

    mongoloid koutchboom 2

    jarv is a tedious cunt 2

    moonwolves jarv – he cock so tiny 3

    It’s that last one that is disconcerting since there has been three of those.

  35. Tom_Bando says :

    I’m sure it has the DNA of lepers, goats and Almada all over it.

  36. just pillow talk says :

    Watched They Live last night…

    It’s exactly like I remembered it, which is a very good thing. That bubblegum line still cracks me up. And I love the way Piper holds guns and shoots them….quite funny. I forgot how much of the slugfest between David and Piper take up in the movie.

  37. koutchboom says :

    Someone needs to get a hold of these two movies:



    Since we were talking about Salt earlier, and Kurt wrote that and the first one and directed the second one. Both look like B-movie awesomeness.

  38. Droid says :

    I’ll have my next Arnie review up either tonight or tomorrow morning, then going for two Best of’s over the weekend and maybe another Arnie.

    • koutchboom says :

      I’ve got the eagerly waited review of ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS 2: DIE HARDER! Coming later today….if I can fucking remember the thing. I swear there is some brain washing/mind control device in those movies.

    • Jarv says :

      It’s only Hellraiser and Hellraiser 2 and a load of shit.

      You need Hellraiser 3 which is also mint. It’s after that that the series hit the wall

  39. Jarv says :

    I need a good suggestion for an Underrated. Angel is being considered, but I may go for Bitch Slap-seeing as it’s rated as Rotten on RT and it gives me a nice excuse to write 800 words about why I hate Empire

    • koutchboom says :

      Ummm 11:14? Or NBT: Never Been Thawed! Or Danny The Dog?

    • Droid says :

      Deep Rising!!!

    • Droid says :

      What about…

      Forrest Gump

    • Droid says :

      More suggestions…


      Zero Effect


      Strange Days

      Mystery Men

      Superman Returns

      • koutchboom says :

        You like Mystery Men?????

      • Droid says :

        Mystery Men rules.

        Nothing like seeing Academy Award winner Geoffrey Rush as Casanova Frankenstein getting a fart in the face from The Spleen.

        I haven’t seen it for yonks. I dare say I might have to watch it this weekend.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I’ve been kind of pissed because someone stole my copy of the movie. We need some collectors edition. My buddy has a sweet, The Shovler t-shirt. I want one for the Spleen.

        That director hasn’t done shit since that movie. I heard he directed a bunch of these nutty credit card commercials that were every where last year.

      • Droid says :

        It’s one of the few flicks I find Ben Stiller funny in. That whole “Anger… rising!” schtick made me laugh.

      • Jarv says :

        Bound is a good shout, as are Mystery Men and breakdown.

        I’ll pretend you were joking with Stalkerman wanks in a bush

      • Droid says :



      • xiphos0311 says :

        Droid you really think Stalkerman Lifts things is an underrated movie? I’m not busting balls here it’s a legitimate question.

      • Droid says :

        *sigh* (my expression of the day)

        I suppose I should’ve chosen a more obvious film for the joke. I thought it was universal opinion that Supes Returns wasn’t very good (although I don’t hate it as much as Jarv, which was why I chose it).

        How about…

        Avatar! Now that’s gotta be underrated!

      • xiphos0311 says :

        Naw Avatard is reCOCKulously overrated.

  40. Jarv says :

    This needs archiving now. I’ll do it tomorrow morning.

  41. Jarv says :

    Something else really interesting, by killing his account, Frank has upped all the stats.

  42. Jarv says :

    Wait- I’m talking shit. I don’t get this, Our busiest day is now over 700, but last week we had 2 days over 600 and they’re now at about 580. Weird.

    • koutchboom says :

      Its really odd how My Daybreakers review has become some sleeper hit. It only got like 40 hits when I first posted it.

  43. Tom_Bando says :

    Frank Marmoset prob. is ghost-writing Bones now.

    • koutchboom says :

      Did he watch Bones? God he would watched anything. I don’t know anyone that has even once seen an episode of that show.

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