A Droid Premiere: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

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It feels like this movie has taken forever to get to the big screen. I vaguely remember Wolgang Petersen being attached at one point in the early 2000’s. This was before ‘Superman Returns’. Before ‘Batman Begins’. And then there was that Times Square billboard in ‘I Am Legend’, teasing the possibility that the two most famous superheroes of all time would one day go toe to toe for our viewing pleasure.
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A Droid Premiere: Triple 9 (2016)

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Surprise! Yes, it’s your old mate Droid here with a review of the new film ‘Triple 9’. Since it’s been a surprisingly long time since I wrote one of these, I expect it to be pretty terrible. So… par for the course, really.

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What’s this? Burt is back in TREMORS 5!!!

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I’m stunned that Tremors has now made it to 5 movies and a TV series. Stunned. Who would have thought the original Jaws in the desert premise could sustain a franchise of this duration- it’s almost 30 years old now, and still going strong. Sure, K-Bacs and Fred Ward abandoned ship long ago, but there’s one man that’s held on: Michael Gross has almost turned Burt Gummer into a cottage industry, and is still playing the grizzled survivalist and paranoid nutter, even he’s approaching Paul Kersey age.

Contains Daddy issues (ugh) and Spoilers below

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13 HOURS: THE SECRET SOLDIERS OF BENGHAZI A NEW CLASSIC FILM OF MODERN WARFARE

I usually avoid doing any reviews about movies chronicling the War on Terror since I’m right in the middle of it (and most of them suck). I’m too close to the subject matter for any sort of objectivity but this review isn’t going to be objective. It’s going to be pure emotion and stream of consciousness.

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Chrysalis (2008)

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Director: Tony Baez Milan

Starring: John Klemantaski, Darren Kendrick, Glen Vaughan

I think it fair to say the works of Ray Bradbury haven’t always been best served by the movies. Didn’t know about this adaption and I cannot readily recall the short story from whence it came. But, tell you what, someone should’ve warned this daft scientist about chugging Baby Bio straight from the bottle. May contain an irritating fungal infection and spoilers…

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Made In Britain: Kingsman

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Well, colour me surprised. After the terminally shit Kick Ass and Kick Ass 2, and the less than wholly whelming (to put it mildly) X: Men prequel, I’d written Matthew Vaughan off as someone that had it once, lost it, and cannae get it back. As such, and given that Kingsman was from a funnybook by Mark Millar, I had the film also written off as another lame Bond spoof along the lines of Jonny English. Except, given Millar’s involvement, probably more unpleasant. Imagine my surprise, when it proved to be quite entertaining and a highly watchable, albeit flawed, film- so much better than I thought it was going to be.

Contains Harry Palmer Gentlemen Spies and spoilers below Read More…

They Came From Beyond Space (1967)

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Director: Freddie Francis

Starring: Robert Hutton, Jennifer Jayne, Bernard Kay

Thought I’d seen this – but apparently not (apart from the Michael Gough bit near the end – seemed familiar, that). Amicus Productions decided to dabble in Quatermass territory but was it worth the bother? May contain tights-wearing alien henchmen and spoilers…

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How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Apocalypse, part 3: Snowpiercer (2014)

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I once toyed with the idea of doing a film series called “The Overrated” and jamming it full of terrible films that receive a vigorous critical nut massage, either by legitimate critics such as Bradshaw of The Guardian (looking at you, Bridesmaids), or from fat, terminally virginal “geek” reviewers (take your pick, there are millions of them), or even films that achieve massive critical and commercial acclaim across the board while, frankly, stinking (paging Forrest Gump). Anyway, I discarded the idea on the basis that each review would be a mixture of me ranting and being bewildered, or sometimes even supplying a bit of bewildered ranting. Nevertheless, I’m more than a little bit disappointed to have my shiny new Apocalypse series tainted by one of this category with 2014’s insanely overrated Snowpiercer chugging out of the station.

Contains a worse train service than Thameslink and Spoilers below.  Read More…

I wish I was dead: Death Wish 5

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Everyone remembers the Simpson’s gag with an ancient Charles Bronson in Death Wish 9 saying “I wish I was dead, Oy”, and now we’re at the film that it best applies to on my little journey following the Kerse’s violent retribution on Street Punks. Death Wish 5: The Face of Death is the film where the series finally topped out, and is, frankly, a pretty poor way for the Kerse to check out. This is a franchise that should have been put in an old folk’s home after the third installment.

Contains bizarre transvestite hitmen with dandruff and spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Maximum Overdrive

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Fucked if I know, Bubba. Fucked if I know.

It’s been a while since I did a Vault review as I’ve been attempting to be a bit classier in terms of my viewing choices. However, having said that, I did decide to launch an apocalypse series and stupidly asked for suggestions below the line. Amongst all of them, Maximum Overdrive stood out as something I’d always meant to watch but never really got round to. So, up it came, and having watched it, it’s not apocalypse material, but it does fit right in to the Vault as a massive, cheesy, lump of unashamed Schlock.

Contains death by coke machine and spoilers below.  Read More…

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