Made in Britain: Paddington (2014)

Paddington poster

I toyed with doing this under the whole Parenting banner, because Paddington is, obviously, a “family” film, but in the end I discarded this idea and housed it in Made in Britain simply because it’s just so quintessentially English.

When this adaptation was first announced, my heart sank as this “property” is a staple (and much-loved) fixture of British childhood, and there was nothing I’d heard since Lucas’s neck fold grew to cover his stupid fat mouth that contained as much potential for Kindertrauma. Based on the character created by Michael Bond, Paddington is a red hat and duffel coat wearing talking bear from deepest darkest Peru with a tendency towards acts of enormous unintentional fuckuppery and a fixation on marmalade sandwiches- how on earth do you get this across on the big screen without it descending into kitsch? Then they cast Nicole Kidman as a ninth rate Cruella De Ville knock off and the last remaining unmolested part of my fond memories curled up in the corner and began to cry. The only question left for me was: how bad is this going to be?

Contains delight and spoilers below.  Read More…

Alien Origin (2012)

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‘Director’: Mark Atkins

‘Starring’: Chelsea Vincent, Trey McCurley, Philip Coc

Shite.

Cheers, folk.

ThereWolf, February 2015

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Attack Of The Crab Monsters (1956)

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Director: Roger Corman

Starring: Richard Garland, Pamela Duncan, Russell Johnson

Reckon I’m long overdue for one of these things aren’t I. Sorry. Struggling to even write a shopping list at the moment, but here goes… This time I’m going to sail us to the island of a Corman cheapie. Might stay awhile so bring yer cozzie just in case. May contain a crafty crustacean or two and spoilers…

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Made in Britain: Under the Skin (2014)

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Christ, I’ve been lazy. I’ve got all sorts of entertaining reviews of drivel racked up and ready to go, but I am instead going to review The Guardian’s number 1 film of last year: Under the Skin. This is billed as an erotic sci-fi horror art film, which reads to me like they put a number of movie descriptors into a hat and then drew them out until they got bored. Nevertheless, this is a film I really wanted to see last year, as I like one of the director’s previous efforts (more on this in a moment), the awesome Sexy Beast.

Contains Alien fuckmonsters and spoilers below.
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Merry Christmas after 5 Years

Christmas

Hell, I must be getting old and soft. Nary a swearword to be seen

Anyway. It’s festive time so I’d like to thank all our little community that keeps Werewolves on the Moon going.

So, all, as you know who you are, Merry Christmas  and a happy new year and I promise I’ll grow out of using faintly pornographic anime characters for this at some point.

See you on the bounce, Troopers

Ciao

Jarv

Being a responsible parent 2: Hawk the Slayer

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Seeing as I’m taking the high road and setting out to make sure that Finn can safely watch any manner of movies without untold trauma, nightmares and growing up into a serial killer, I’m taking it on myself to watch as many of the films I saw as a kid to see how “Family friendly” they are. Last time I provided sage and sound advice when confronted with Childhood classic and young mind destroyer Watership Down (Suitable for all, my arse). This time around it’s another one from my childhood: Hawk the Slayer  Read More…

The Pot of Gore: Leprechaun Origins

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As The Church of Chang’s foremost lepologist, it’s my duty to review any Leprechaun movie out there. I first heard of a new Lep movie a couple of years ago, when the production company drank in my local boozer. They had the rights and were attempting to get Warwick back to bring us some more zany high-concept Lep fun. Sadly, they lost the rights and it passed on to WWE Studios- who instantly promised to reboot the series. Alarm bells began to ring at this point, if I’m honest. Nevertheless, WWE pressed ahead, and delivered unto us Leprechaun: Origins, and it’s now my sorry duty to bury the corpse of my favourite Horror franchise.

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Wolf Sees Ghosts: The Eagerly Un-Awaited Return Of Most Haunted

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I should’ve posted this over a month ago but I got ‘sidetracked’. Slightly out of date, I suppose, but never mind. It’s a piece about the resurrection of the cowardly TV paranormal investigation team, Most Haunted

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NIGHTCRAWLER: THE MORE FEMININE GYLLENHALL SIBLING OOZES ABOUT THE BENIGHTED LA LANDSCAPE

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If you are believer in the myth that only “faux’ news is deceitful and lying this isn’t the review for you. Also go fuck yourself for being a self-deluded cocksucker. If you think the shitbird hacks that work in the newsfotainment industry aren’t a slimy treacherous lying bunch of sociopaths then fuck you this isn’t the review for you and don’t have kids, the gene pool is already much too muddied for its own good. If you are easily offended by adult words and phrases such as cocksucker and motherfucker then hit the eject button NOW because this review is going to be full up with salty language due to my near pathological hatred for “news”, for “journalist” and anything to do with those lying in the tank peices of shit that work in the newsfotainment industry. You’ve been warned. Read More…

Halloween 2 (2009): Ending on a low note.

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It’s been long noted in the 5 years or so that we’ve been doing this that I’ll watch anything, and can usually find some enjoyment regardless of how wretched the subject matter. I’ve taken on series such as Children of the Corn that would have had the brain of a lesser man melting through boredom, and I’ve reviewed 165 schlocky low budget b-movie efforts. Therefore, when I say that I’ve struggled with this series, and damned nearly abandoned it, you get an idea about how awful this film is. I started this fucking series A YEAR AGO, and came within a gnat’s pubic hair of binning it as a rancid idea. But now I can say with some confidence that I’ve done it- I’ve now finished the Halloween films.

And it’s been a real struggle.

Contains mystifying sub-Lynchian dream sequences and spoilers below.

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