How I learned to stop worrying and love the Apocalypse, part 2: The Rover (2014)

The Rover poster

It’s been pointed out to me at length on the last review in this series that I didn’t define the rules properly. This is true, I left them intentionally vague. Much like Batman, I have one rule with this series: all reviews will feature an apocalyptic event, either before or afterwards, but each type of event will only be used once for this cycle. That way, if I feel like it, I can use things like Seeking a Friend for the End of the World at one end of the scale and, say, Mad Max 2 at the other. Other than that, it’s open season and I’m hoping for a nice mix of the epic and the small-scale without too many duds.  Anyhoo, this entry is David Michôd’s follow up to the excellent Animal Kingdom, 2014’s The Rover.

Contains an angry midget and spoilers below. Read More…

XIPHOS TV ROUND UP – Summer Fall Winter

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This is a follow up to a TV article I did at the end of August last. I am nothing if not timely, full of drive and ambition.

I am going to be tearing through a lot of shows so most of these posts will be short due to volume. I am going to break it down into three sections: Summer, Fall and Winter series. All of them are new shows. Read More…

Back in New York: DEATH WISH 3

Death Wish 3 Poster

And THIS is what we’ve been fucking talking about. Bring it on.

Contains a ludicrous amount of creeps getting wasted and spoilers below.  Read More…

How I learned to stop worrying and love the Apocalypse, part 1: A Boy and his Dog (1975)

A boy and his dog poster

So, with apologies to Wolf, who’s already done some of these films, it’s time to launch a new open-ended series. This one will be all about the end of the world and the dystopian mess left behind for the poor survivors to deal with. First up, is the Harlan Ellison penned (and later disavowed) 1975 classic A Boy and his Dog. I’m depressed to say this is billed as “a rather kinky tale of survival”, something that is inaccurate, misleading and gives a big hint as to why Ellison had such a downer on the film.

Contains serious weirdness and spoilers below. I’m not joking at all about the spoiler here- it’s enormous, but impossible to talk about the film without addressing. 

Read More…

Dealing another helping of Street Justice, but with added rapiness: Death Wish 2

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I’ve been musing on this film since I saw it a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the “bad” reputation for Death Wish being a rapestraveganza of nastiness comes from this film. I know this is a bit of a weird conclusion to draw, given that I complained about the weird rape in the last one, but, honestly, this is Michael Winner off the leash to a certain extent. This one’s picture light as pretty much every image from this film on the internets has jugs in it. Sorry about that.

Contains a total betrayal of the original film and spoilers below.  Read More…

Jarv develops a DEATH WISH

Death Wish Poster

Don’t panic people. Despite my unemployed status, I’ve not really got an actual Death Wish. Rather, I’ve decided that I need a new series and Bronson’s cottage industry of one man ultraviolence strikes me as the answer (mostly because of the third one, if I’m honest). Anyhow, here we’ll be reviewing all 5 Death Wish films, chronicling one man army Paul Kersey taking justice to the punks of New York and Los Angeles. First up, is seminal 1970’s exploitation “classic” Death Wish. Obviously.

Contains Creeps and Spoilers below.  Read More…

Journey To The Far Side Of The Sun (1969)

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Director: Robert Parrish

Starring: Roy Thinnes, Ian Hendry, Patrick Wymark

Love it when this happens. The film is just another title on the list, but when I set that silver platter spinning, a cross between 1970’s-era TV series UFO and Thunderbirds appeared before my emotionally watering eyes. May contain live action puppets and spoilers…

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superHUMAN! The Real LIfe Super-Hero Movies: Hero at Large (1980).

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Welcome to a new series! We’ve been completely shit so far in 2015 (well, Droid has been keeping up his usual fine run), and have let the content level drop a fair amount. So, thankfully, ContinentalOp has stepped into the breach and come up with a new series- a look at the “real life” Superhero movies. There are loads of these, and the quality of them varies from the decent to the frankly risible. Anyhoo, here’s ContinentalOp with what is arguably the progenitor of the whole subgenre.

Massive credit is due here, as I think this may be the most erudite review that any of us has ever produced- it even has footnotes backing assertions, unlike the wild unqualified shite that I usually turn out. Anyhoo, Take it away, dude:

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Made in Britain: Paddington (2014)

Paddington poster

I toyed with doing this under the whole Parenting banner, because Paddington is, obviously, a “family” film, but in the end I discarded this idea and housed it in Made in Britain simply because it’s just so quintessentially English.

When this adaptation was first announced, my heart sank as this “property” is a staple (and much-loved) fixture of British childhood, and there was nothing I’d heard since Lucas’s neck fold grew to cover his stupid fat mouth that contained as much potential for Kindertrauma. Based on the character created by Michael Bond, Paddington is a red hat and duffel coat wearing talking bear from deepest darkest Peru with a tendency towards acts of enormous unintentional fuckuppery and a fixation on marmalade sandwiches- how on earth do you get this across on the big screen without it descending into kitsch? Then they cast Nicole Kidman as a ninth rate Cruella De Ville knock off and the last remaining unmolested part of my fond memories curled up in the corner and began to cry. The only question left for me was: how bad is this going to be?

Contains delight and spoilers below.  Read More…

Alien Origin (2012)

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‘Director’: Mark Atkins

‘Starring’: Chelsea Vincent, Trey McCurley, Philip Coc

Shite.

Cheers, folk.

ThereWolf, February 2015

Read More…

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