Burt Gummer’s Rec Room- March 2011 Archive

A gathering place for firearms enthusiasts, paranoid survivalists and those who worship at the Church of Chang.

March is here and it’s a beautiful start to Spring in Perfection. It’ll be Graboid hunting season again soon, though…

Disclaimer: This is the part of the Church that is the most no holds barred. None of it is intended with malice, and although it can on occasion seem a little bit fraught, it is banter rather than venom.

4,016 responses to “Burt Gummer’s Rec Room- March 2011 Archive”

  1. koutchboom says :

    I mean you guys remember that Albert Brooks comedy that came out around December that was a huge flop. At least an Action flop had the money on the screen sort of. But look at this break down:

    How Do You Know

    Production Budget: $120 million
    Domestic: $30,212,620 63.3%
    + Foreign: $17,494,531 36.7%
    = Worldwide: $47,707,151

    $15 million Reese Witherspoon
    $12 million Jack Nicholson
    $10 million Owen Wilson
    $3 million Paul Rudd
    $10 million Albert Brooks

    • Jarv says :

      $50 fucking million on Actors. In a comedy. Which is double its net take.

      That is an astonishing waste of money- Bring on Sim0ne.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah thats whats crazy too that some Rom Com with people sitting around and talking to people STILL after the cost of the people cost 70 million to make.

        I actually think Greenburg is about right, if you are going to PAY for a star and your movie is pretty much nothing at least it didn’t cost a shit load to make. But I mean Greenburg is sort of a good example, stars are going to get PAID like stars thats fine thats the way its always been, but why the fuck did HOW DO YOU KNOW still cost 70 million to make that film?

        Its like Adam Sandler movies, they all pretty much cost 70-80 million dollars or more to make??? What the fuck? I get that he gets 20 million and maybe the female co-star (or Jack Nicholson) gets a good chunk, but then why the fuck did it cost that much to make AFTER that?

        Even fucking Funny People cost 70 million dollars to make? That movie is pretty much two dudes sitting in a house talking to eatch other?

  2. Droid says :

    Honestly, how much money does Will Smith have!??!?!

    Hancock: $20,000,000 +20% of gross

    The Pursuit of Happyness: $10,000,000 +20% of gross

    I, Robot: $28,000,000

    Bad Boys II: $20,000,000 +20% of gross

    Men in Black II: $20,000,000 +10% of gross

    Ali: $20,000,000

    The Legend of Bagger Vance: $10,000,000

    Wild Wild West: $7,000,000

    Enemy of the State: $14,000,000

    Men in Black: $5,000,000

    Independence Day: $5,000,000

    Bad Boys: $2,000,000

    Six Degrees of Separation: $500,000

    Made in America: $100,000

    Where the Day Takes You: $50,000

    • Droid says :

      For example…


      Total Worldwide Gross = $624,346,274

      Will Smith = $20m + $130m (approx) = $150m

      I realise this is distorted, but lets say he just got 20% of the US Gross. That’s still $70m total!

      • koutchboom says :

        I mean bitching about how much money an actor makes it silly. Yeah they make a lot good for them. At least Will is a good investment unlike Eddie Murphy.

        I mean you can’t compare them to CEO’s and money people who make BILLIONS of dollars.

      • Jarv says :

        Fucking hell.

        That’s just obscene.

        Also, looking at that list, what was the last actually good Will Smith film? Ali.

        Then before that…

        Men in Black. Has anyone made as many bad films as he has and made as much money.

      • koutchboom says :

        I’d say Eddie Murphy is probably close. Seeing that he still gets probably 20 million for shit like Meet Dave and Imagine That.

      • Jarv says :

        Eddie Murphy. Yup. Dude makes horrible shit with fat suits.

        See also Martin Lawrence nowadays.

      • Droid says :

        I like Ali, the first half of Hancock, I, Robot, Men in Black, and Enemy of the State.

      • Jarv says :

        Ali, MIB, and bits of I,Robot that aren’t trying to sell me things.

        Can’t stand Enema of the State.

      • koutchboom says :

        I mean at the same time if you hate budgets then you hate Michael Mann. He’s got a shitty track record. Ali fucking cost $107 million to make. Didn’t make its money back. Miami Vice cost 135 million to make made 165 back. Manhunter cost 15 million to make, didn’t make its budget back. The insider cost $90 million, didn’t make it back.

        Collateral and Heat and Mohicans are his only real hits and they aren’t even HUGE hits. Enemies cost 100 million, made 200 million. Mohicans cost 40 made 75. Heat cost 60 made 187 (most of it coming from over seas). Collateral 65/217, like his only bonifid hit. Well and Mohicans.

      • Jarv says :

        I don’t hate budgets. The other thing, though, is with Mann you get a) a good film and b) you can generally see the cash on Screen.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah but investing in a Mann picture is probably a bad investment, investing in a William Smith picture (unless its with Mann) is a good investment.

    • Jarv says :

      How much was Greenberg to make? And didn’t Stiller direct it,

      because if he did and it cost, say, $12m then that isn’t too bad.

  3. Droid says :

    Which reminds me…


    Challenge Jarv!

  4. Droid says :

    Just think… We want just $20m to make Astrodykes vs WOTM. That’s one payday for Denzel or Will Smith. Surely we can convince Smith to give us one small chunk of his fortune! He’s probably got $20m down the back of the couch!!!

    • Jarv says :

      “Dear Mr. Smith,

      As struggling artists trying to make our way in a harsh world, we would like to make a request of you. Now, before you stop reading this missive, let us explain what we have planned….

      So if you could see it in your heart to reach into your sofa cushions and give us $20m we promise to make the epic Astrodykes v Werewolves on the Moon, stuff it full of juggs and keep Koutch away from the catering tent.

      Yours sincerely,”

      Something like that?

      • Droid says :

        Either that or sue him for pain and suffering inflicted by his forcing his kids into the entertainment industry.

      • Jarv says :

        I think, actually, we need to get the money for either Raging Murphy, The Dyketektive or Mega Drop Bear from someone else, the thought of giving him more cash for sure-fire hits is painful when you know that he’ll spend it funding his talentless daughter’s foray into music.

      • koutchboom says :

        OFFER HIM BACK END! Both figuratively and actually.

  5. koutchboom says :

    I’m trying to think of a movie where the entire ridiculous budget is what you see on screen.

    And I’ve come up with 3 examples:

    Mars Needs Moms, $150 million cost with no major stars and only $33,428,300 so far in gross.

    Speed Racer 120 million cost Gross revenue $93,945,766

    Avatar Cost: $237 million + $9 million+ (Re-release)
    Gross revenue $2,783,165,628

    I chose those three because they don’t have any big stars.

    Can you guys think of any other ones?

  6. Droid says :

    Pakistan are fucked in the cricket. Lankans better beat India or I’ll be very sad face.

    Off home.


    • Jarv says :

      Lucky bastard. I’m in until 9 tonight.

      • just pillow talk says :

        I do have to say that after reading you two continually having to stay late it seems, I’m pretty thankful of my job. I can count the number of times I’ve had to stay past 4 on one hand since 2001 (when my boss left and was replaced with my current one).

      • Jarv says :

        It’s periodic with me-

        I have a lot of “events” that I have to cover. Fucking blows. But bear in mind from next friday I’m on 9-3.

      • just pillow talk says :

        And you do have 75 more days off than me.

      • Jarv says :

        Not any more.

        Since I got promoted I got my hours butchered. I’m actually £5 per month worse off now! With more responsibility.

  7. koutchboom says :

    Heeheh Jarv you’ll love this:

    Angels & Demons (2009) $50 000 000
    The Da Vinci Code (2006) $18,000,000 + profit participation

  8. Jarv says :



    Fucking amateur. We’ve had threats of actual violence.

    Being told to fuck off is nothing.

  9. koutchboom says :

    Heheh this is a great quote about movie making from the writer of the movie Meet Dave, who says it got kiddified pretty much:

    Part of me is proud and wants to own this movie, promote it, generally celebrate it and look forward to all the possibilities that may emerge from the experience. And an equally real part of me wants to lock myself in a dark room for a month and pretend it never happened. Why the latter? Because the truth is that I’m stupid, and Hollywood does tend to suckify things. Often quite badly.[4]

  10. Jarv says :

    Seeing as I have still got an hour until I have to work, I’m going to do tomorrow morning’s review-

    Killing two birds with one stone: LTROI.


    • just pillow talk says :

      Wa-hoo…a review where I’ve actually recently watched the movie!

      • Jarv says :

        I do a lot of them with the post 2000 horrors. I was looking through 2008, though, and I’ve also wanting to do a vampire one for ages, so it’s a chance to kill 2 birds with one stone.

  11. koutchboom says :

    Fun fact about Red Dragon:

    Director of photography Dante Spinotti also filmed the movie Manhunter (1986), which was the first adaptation of the novel “Red Dragon”.

  12. L Bronco says :

    Now this is interesting:

    Len Wiseman is directing the total recall remake. They have cast Colin ferrell, and are looking at getting Bryan Cranston to play the villian.

    It truly is a small world-very interesting.

  13. L Bronco says :


    (Awesome boobage):

    The first Red Epic underwater footage: http://vimeo.com/21689019

    shot at 120 fps-the next gen cameras all shoot at 120fps-This NAB is going to be insane.

  14. Jarv says :

    Right. Seeing as I am by myself-

    Things I’ve learnt this week:

    1) Whisky is very nice, but not suitable for a wednesday night
    2) I work with complete wankers that destroy morale through pathetic cliquey antics.
    3) Sainsbury’s Cornish pasties are not as nice as Ginsters ones.
    4) Pulp are indeed awesome, and This is Hardcore is underrated
    5) Zack Snyder is a hack cunt on a one man mission to make me hate films
    6) Guinness is also very nice, but excessive amounts are not suitable for a weeknight
    7) Editing HTML all day is boring
    8 ) I already knew 7, but thought it was worth repeating
    9) Smoking is bad for me. Who’d have thought it? Next thing fatty food will be bad for me. Or perhaps even alcohol
    10) Inflation is apparently 4%, yet last month on exactly the same food bill as the month before it was 15% more expensive.
    11) On 10- this clearly means that somebody is lying to me.
    12) Chinese Takeaways are awesome.
    13) Apart from the one next to me. That one’s rubbish.
    14) After the lovely weather last week, which I feel lulled me into a false sense of security, it’s turned back to shit. This has taught me that Britain doesn’t have nice weather.
    15) I already knew this as well, but I feel really hard done by because of the sun
    16) The BBC weather are lying cunts- how is it 19 degrees and blazing sunshine? It’s overcast and fucking cold. Looks like it may rain
    17) Early series of South Park are awesome
    18) Late series of South Park are not
    19) Lovefilm, and this is important so I’ll come back to it below, don’t have a license to rent Universal films.
    20) I only have 1 week worth of full hours left until easter.

  15. Jarv says :

    On Lovefilm v Universal-

    What the fuck? how have they managed to cock that up so badly? It basically means that if I want to see a Universal film, I can either pay for it on the PS3 (not doing that) or pirate it.

    Wonder which one I’ll do.

  16. Jarv says :

    Shit news of the day.

    George Lucas, because he clearly hasn’t got enough money, is re-releasing that intergalactic turd The Phantom Menace…

    IN 3D!!!!


    Give you a clue, George you greedy cunt- 3D won’t stop that being a shit, boring film.

    • Jarv says :

      I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve decided that the answer to “fix” Star Wars is for every fan of it to not spend the money on going to see the 3D version.

      Instead, if we all take that £8 and club together we could get a fucking ARMY of hitmen, and have them storm Skywalker ranch, murder Lucas and destroy all prints of all star wars films.

      • Droid says :

        Destroy the prints of A New Hope and Empire? How dare you!?

      • Jarv says :

        It has to be done. Else he’s probably got it in his will that his descendants gather together every 5 years to superimpose ewoks into the Millenium Falcon and squeeze Jar Jar into ANH somewhere.

        We’ve all got the DVD’s, but can you imagine MORE scenes of fucking random Dinosaurs in Mos Eisley? We have to make this sacrifice.

        And we may as well do Indiana Jones as well.

        This is really funny, actually, because South Park on tuesday night was “Free Hat” which is about stopping Lucas and Spielberg ruining Raiders with retroactive CGI.

      • Droid says :

        And deny the world the delight of seeing CGI Yoda flipping around in glorious 3D?

        Crazy talk.

      • Jarv says :


        That really is a fucking diabolically awful film.

      • Jarv says :

        Stop it the pair of you. Fucking little twat riding the Space Potato. AWFUL film.

        The best summary for why the Prequels are such a failure is that each of them can be summed up with “Ultimately, who gives a fuck?” As in “The film’s climax is when the galactic senate meets up to pass a vote of no confidence, but ultimately, who gives a fuck?”

        Does anyone actually want TPM in 3-fucking-D? Who would be dumb enough to shell out to see that crap?

      • just pillow talk says :

        Wow, the weather really has ticked you off.

      • just pillow talk says :

        Indeed, doing somersaults right at you.

        Or the touching moments between Anakin and Padame EXPLODING off the screen from Attack of the Clones.

      • Droid says :

        3D Jimmy Smits!

      • Jarv says :

        I’m nicking this from gingertown- but really if you want to pay to see the prequels in 3D, what I suggest you do is put on your stormtrooper outfit, and then hire a rastafarian to scream at you while throwing poo at your head. That’s what it will be like.

      • Droid says :

        I myself can’t wait to see The Phantom Menace in 3D. Much in the same way I can’t wait to get a 3D TV so I can watch C-Span and golf.

      • Jarv says :

        What’s C-Span?

        You know what would be awesome? Beach Volleyball in 3D.

      • Jarv says :

        Completely forgot who I was talking to- I bet you’re excited to see it in 3D- the glory of Flying Artoo in THREE FUCKING D.


        What makes it even worse is that the fucknuckle is going for “subtle” 3D. What a gip.

        Man, I’m starting to really loathe Luca$ and everything he stands for.

      • Droid says :

        C-SPAN, an abbreviation of Cable-Satellite Public Affairs Network, is an American cable television network owned and operated by the cable industry. It airs non-stop coverage of government proceedings and public affairs programming.

      • Jarv says :

        Oh god. That sounds hideous.

      • Droid says :

        C-SPAN, provides uninterrupted live coverage of the United States House of Representatives. Also airs Washington Journal live every morning

        C-SPAN2, provides uninterrupted live coverage of the United States Senate. It also airs Book TV on weekends

        C-SPAN3, features other uninterrupted live public affairs events and airs a large amount of archived historical programming branded as C-SPAN3 History

        IN 3D!!!

      • Jarv says :

        That’s so pointless. I remember last year during the 6N some cinema chain had the bright idea of screening the game in 3D. Why? Why would you want to go and watch Rugby in a Cinema in 3D with NO BOOZE?

      • Spud McSpud says :

        And what’s gonna really make me hate myself is, I fucking know I will end up watching these movies in 3-D.

        I know every argument against it, every reason not to give Drath fucking Gizzard yet more of my rapidly harder-to-attain fine English pounds to see his turgid fucking political treatise in three dimensions, but the one thing that keeps coming back:

        STAR WARS IN 3-D

        STAR WARS IN 3-D

        STAR WARS IN 3-D

        STAR WARS IN 3-D

        And that frankly fucking magnificent three-way lightsabre battle at the end of TPM, which will be transcendent in its awesomeness in three dimensions. Seeing Darth Maul wrecking Jedi in 3-D?? No contest.

        Really do hate myself for it, though.

      • Jarv says :

        That Darth Maul fight is SHIT. Sorry, but it’s completely overrated. He’s this unstoppably badass that we’ve already seen can beat the shit out of two jedi cunts at the same time, and yet he gets taken down by a slightly chubby Macgregor jumping and flopping over before jamming the Lightsabre into his midriff? Bullshit. If he was such a 9th Dan Ninja then there’s no way he’d go out like that. Nevertheless, ultimately, who gives a fuck?

        And don’t forget by the time you get there you’ll have had Jar Jar fart jokes IN GLORIOUS 3D!!!

        If you want another argument not to, Spud, those hacks that did the Clash of the Titans transfer, which is meant to be awful, are doing this.

        Don’t do it, man, don’t give Darth gizzard any more cash.

    • Spud McSpud says :

      I’ll concede that they didn’t give Darth Maul enough to do in TPM. You had these sparse shots of a vicious looking motherfucker growling lines like “At last we will have our revenge”, then the scene on Tatooine where he attacks Qui-Gon Jinn, and you’re left thinking… Badass!

      Then the scene in the Naboo hangar, where the doors open, and the score kicks in, it’s all looking great. It’s OOOOOOONN!! From that point, it’s fucking awesome, all the way up to where Maul kills Jinn. Obi’s next attack is legendarily awesome, but then he does that thing where he pauses, sword extended, with an opportunity wide open for Maul to take Obi, AND HE DOESN’T DO IT. I know McGregor was nowhere near the athlete Ray Park was, and so needed these pauses, but a little judicious editing could have covered it. From there, it goes downhill fast, ending – as you say – with a killing stroke that we know from his previous performance that Maul could’ve easily avoided.

      But up to then – that fight is fucking awesome…

      From that movie, AOTC does have that great arena monsters sequence that morphs into Jedi versus droids, that then becomes a great battle scene – THAT will all be worth watching in 3-D (as would the assassin chase over Coruscant – lots of opportunity for depth of field etc). For ROTS, the opening space battle will be great, as would the Obi vs Grievous scene, and obviously the Order 66 scene. The climactic battle will only be worth watching again if they fix that fucking sub-Playstation 1 demo quality fight on Mustafar, where I’ve seen better graphics on fucking YIE AR KUNG FU than on the two Jedi leaping from blocky rock to blocky rock in the blocky lava flow. Hideous stuff.

      What I’d REALLY like to see is Jar Jar digitally erased out, Hayden Christensen’s performance enhanced (preferably by filming someone who CAN FUCKING ACT and superimposing them over him) and SOME FUCKING STAR WARS ACTION, PLEASE!!

      What really stings is that Lucas knew we’d all say “Fuck the prequels, we want the OT”, so he’s releasing the Prequels first to give us no fucking choice. That, and saying that if the box office isn’t enough for him on these 3, then the OT doesn’t get a 3-D release.

      Fuck you, Gizzard. Fuck you so very much, you hack bastard.

      • koutchboom says :

        Speaking of Darth Maul, they just gave him a pretty cool origin story in Clone Wars. He comes from some secret planet run by witch like women and all they are born to do is train to become body gaurds to emporers and dark siders.


      • Droid says :

        Can you explain to me at the end of TPM why that corridor needs the multiple laser door things that automatically open and close at different times? And I mean a reason why that corridor needs that particular function, not the reason that it’s necessary in order to isolate Neeson so that McGregor can watch him die and get all angry and stuff.

      • koutchboom says :

        Its like that flamming path with the squashing blocks from Galaxy Quest. Or the fire pit in The Rock. Thats just how you design things, its architecture 101.

      • Jarv says :

        he’s right. That corridor is ludicrous.

        Also, stay strong Spud. There’s no reason at all to fork over 2 pints worth of money for Lucas to rip you off and leave you walking sore-bummed out of the cinema having paid for the privilege of having the Gizzard-y one anally violate you.

      • Jarv says :

        Star Wars.

        The gift that keeps on giving.

      • Jarv says :

        From that movie, AOTC does have that great arena monsters sequence that morphs into Jedi versus droids, that then becomes a great battle scene – THAT will all be worth watching in 3-D (as would the assassin chase over Coruscant – lots of opportunity for depth of field etc)

        This- couldn’t disagree with it more. Attack of the Clones is a fetid abortion of a film, and by the time you make it to the scene with the Jedi v Droids it’s OVER because you’ve already had so much douchey shit to put up with first. Then you’ve got the insulting and obnoxious crap with Yoda bouncing around like a demented ping-pong ball that was bad enough in 2D, but certain to make you hurl in 3D.


        I still maintain, however, that if you edited all three films together cleverly, (ditching almost all of AOTC and TPM) then there’s potentially a good film in there.

      • koutchboom says :

        How I saw AOTC (thats the 2nd one right?) fuck its gotta be. Anyway, well it was world released on the same day. I was in Italy at the time and they serve beer in the cinema’s in italy. SO since it wasn’t coming to the base theater for another 2 weeks I got a group of people together to go see it in Italian, we figured it would be at least fun and we could understand it for the most part, and if not we could get drunk. And it was a blast, loved it, great time, didn’t get most of it but that Yoda fight was fucking epic.

        Saw it two weeks later in English and sober….fucking hated it. Wish I just saw it in Italian again.

      • Droid says :

        That corridor reminds me of Galaxy Quest.

        Gwen DeMarco: What is this thing? I mean, it serves no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway. No, I mean we shouldn’t have to do this, it makes no logical sense, why is it here?

        Jason Nesmith: ‘Cause it’s on the television show.

        Gwen DeMarco: Well forget it! I’m not doing it! This episode was badly written!

      • Droid says :

        Hey guys, there’s a red thingy moving toward the green thingy.


        I love Galaxy Quest.

      • Droid says :

        I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth.

    • Tom_Bando says :

      *Sith I like. Yes you still have to wade thru Faydin’ Hayden, and I’m not that much into the ‘romance’ between him and Black Swannette there-but still–it’s about something, it’s got great visuals, has the volcano fight, has a good opening space battle, has the Chewie attack, etc. For my money it’s at least up to Jedi’s level, and the only one of the prequels I own on DVD and still watch from time to time.

      *Klones-well the dialogue is poo-poo, ditto the Vader casting, but I will give props for the while Ewan-on-clones-planet vignette, the factory/arena battle thread, and that final battle. Even Yoda bouncing around vs. Saruman is quite fun. It’s still hard to sit thru for much of the first half.

      *Phantom Menace-wellll okay, Jar Jar’s Horrible, and in there wayyy too much, poor Jake Lloyd is as bad an actor as Faydin’ Hayden(Can’t King Jorge Lucas cast someone who can ACT??!), and of course Lucas forgot how to direct and/or ‘write’ dialogue years ago, obviously.

      I still liked: Darth Maul, Darth Maul/Ewan M fight, Whacky Racers scene, hmmmm many of the backdrops etc. It doesn’t hold my interest though, and face it–Portman wanted to be anyplace but there, you can see that plainly.

  17. just pillow talk says :

    The Next Three Days was pretty good. I know the premise itself is rather outlandish, school teacher going to try and break out his incarcerated wife, but damned if I still wasn’t involved in it. And I don’t care if Haggis did direct it.

    I think my favorite scene involved Denney and Crowe.

    • Droid says :

      Still need to watch that. Have you seen Pour Elle?

      • just pillow talk says :

        No, but I may have to track that one down.
        Have you seen it, is it good?

      • koutchboom says :

        FUCK I need to watch Pour Elle as well damnit. I’m wondering how different the ending are (if they are at all). I really dug Next Three Days Droid, more so than Unstoppable.

    • Toadkillerdog says :

      Hola all,

      First, i must inform all of you of what transpired this morning.
      I ate a delicious breakfast sandwich. Ah., but not just any breakfast sandwich.

      I was feeling nostalgic for my days at boot when the mantra was ‘shut up, eat up, get up’. When out of necessity instead of luxury, breakfast sandwiches consisted of eggs, bacon, sausage, and potatoes hastily crammed between two slices of thin white bread and swallowed in two bites or less. Ah the days.

      Last night i whipped up a batch of my special home fries. Two whole potatoes, sliced into thin to medium chip sizes, fried in canola and olive oil, with a whole sweet onion and seasonings (including a dash of sugar).

      This morning, I opted for toasted bread , one fried egg – sunnyside up, two pieces of jimmy dean hot breakfast sausage, two thick slices of bacon, and topped with remnants of last nights home fries on buttered toast.

      Rapture. I had to share.

      Oh, and Jarv I totally agree that if properly edited, those three flicks would make on great one – if they somehow managed to ditch the killing of the younglings – cause that lacked any motivation at all

      • Jarv says :

        That does sound like a nice sandwich.

        The other problem TKD is shit like Padme dying of a broken heart, and you’d have to get another actor for Uselessen and CGI him back in. Bale would be good.

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        Ya Jarv, I agree about Padme. The maddening thing about the prequels, is that they had three entire movies, and yet it still felt like a rush job, and them trying to cram so much back story into them from the mythology that sprung up, that they wound up giving short shrift to the main storyline. That and Lucas can not write.

        He has great ideas, but needs an editor. The whole Anakin/padme/vader thing was just was horrible.
        And who the fuck cares about boba fett other than fan boys?

      • Jarv says :

        Not only does nobody give a fuck about Boba Fett, but to make him a whiny kid was an absolutely dreadful decision.

        Basically, the shining mistake in the 3 films was to introduce Anakin as a kid. If he’d been the same age as Luke in ANH, then you can accelerate the story and ditch an awful lot of the dreadful filler- for example you can kill his mother on Tatooine, and then he can react and slaughter them all before he has Jedi powers. Obviously, Jar Jar Stinks ends up on the cutting room floor, but the other reason it would work better is because the romance between Anakin and Padme would make sense, rather than her cradle snatching.

        Terrible films, all of them.

        PS- Biggest Cunt in the history of Cinema: Obi Wan Kenobi. Think about it.

      • Droid says :

        The problem with the prequels is… Who gives a shit about them at all!? We know exactly what happens. Everyone knows the story. So there’s no dramatic tension. It’s an exercise in joining the dots. Its like this Alien/dead pilot thing that Ridley was/is going to make. Who on earth gives a shit?

        If Lucas had had any sense at all he would’ve made sequels with new characters.

      • Jarv says :

        The problem with the prequels is… Who gives a shit about them at all!?

        Yup- spot on. The Pod Race is a prime example of this in TPM. It’s got the dramatic weight of helium, because Anakin is not in any danger and there’s no doubt at all that he HAS to win the race so, ultimately, who gives a fuck?

        Same with the Darth Maul fight- We know that Obi Wan can’t die, because he appears in the later films, so therefore he has to win no matter how unlikely and, ultimately, who gives a fuck?

        Say no to prequels, kids, and remember, say FUCK NO to 3D prequels that you’ve already seen. Honestly, give the money to Tsunami relief or something, don’t give it to Lucass

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        Totally agree about making Anakin a teen. The whole conversion to the dark side made no sense, none at all. Lucas tried to put too much into the films from the mythology that sprung up in his head and fanboys, and it failed. Same damn thing happened with matrix sequels.

      • Jarv says :

        The Matrix should never have been sequelised. Also, they didn’t know what to do with it so the whole errant program thing is arrant nonsense, and don’t get me started on Neo saving Trinity, then becoming a god in the real world not the Matrix then Trinity dying anyway- which is ASTONISHINGLY mean spirited.

      • Jarv says :

        The other problem with the Prequels is the effect that they have on the Original films.

        Look at it this way, imagine you’re coming to this epic “fresh” and you start at part 1. You limp through 3 bad films and finally the one you’ve heard is good starts up. You’re instantly entranced at the magic on-screen until you notice that Luke Skywalker is clearly trying to shag his sister. This is even worse in ESB when she kisses him because she’s arguing with Han. Instantly, a classic film becomes extremely fucking dodgy.

        The ewoks are merely the final insult.

  18. koutchboom says :

    I can’t see this video, so its its fucking worthless I apologize. But the description of it sounds interesting especially to Conti who kept talking about it.

    Its the Bartitsu The Lost Martial Art of Sherlock Holmes

  19. Jarv says :

    I’m thinking about doing more lists. I was going to start with the top 10 cunts in film, but I could only think of enough that were severely cunty.

    Obi Wan, obviously was number 1.

  20. Xiphos0311 says :

    Speaking of Ninjas and space ninjas and what not do you people know that Fat Town now has a resident Ninja that reviews chop socky flicks? Well the “ninja”(who by the way goes out in the woods to train with a “Green Beret”. That makes me laugh) reviewed one movie then got pummeled in the TB so I figure it was a one shot deal.

  21. Xiphos0311 says :

    Oh and SW went to shit with Return, fucking ewoks, not a good movie and the neck triple downed on stupid with the prequels

    • Jarv says :

      There are bits of Jedi, though, that are good-

      Before Lucas, well, Lucased it the stuff on the barge was good. Then the space battle at the end is good. Better than anything in the PT.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        that’s one of the many problems with the neck from Jedi forward there are some good bits of corn stuck to the floaters he passed. That’s the frustrating part of the deal.

      • Jarv says :

        I can’t think of any good bits of AOTC.

        That film is purely what’s extracted as a result of an enema.

      • Droid says :

        The entire Luke plot line was brilliant, exciting and emotionally satisfying. Death Star 2.0 was retread and filler. The ewoks were a marketing strategy.

        Question… After being rescued, what the fuck did Han do in Return? He was in a bunch of shots, but his character could’ve been anyone!

        “Hey Harrison, we envision your character to have evolved a heck of a lot from Empire. We now see Han as purely comedy relief. We’ll have you fighting alongside little furball creatures that we can turn into soft toys. Those fuckers will walk off the shelves. And we can have you punch a few guys, turn a knob that powers something up or down, we’re not sure yet, we’ll work it out, it’s not important. And we’ll give you a bunch of payoff lines that you can deliver with your usual sass. Maybe even have you kiss the girl, as if anyone really gives a shit about the romance part of the movie. Oh, and we’ll have you flying the spaceship as you blow up the Death Star, just like the first movie! It’ll be fantastic! Seriously Harrison, how are you not jumping out of your skin with excitement?”

        No wonder Ford didn’t want to reprise the character in the sequels.

      • Jarv says :

        Mrs. Jarv’s favourite Star Wars film is Jedi and it’s because of the fucking Ewoks.

        She just won’t accept that they blow.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m off too.

        See you tomorrow.

      • Jarv says :


        we’ll have you flying the spaceship as you blow up the Death Star, just like the first movie!

        That’s not him. He’s on Endor- that’s Lando and that guy with the melted plastic face and an Indian accent.

      • Droid says :

        He doesn’t even do that!? I wasn’t 100% sure I was right when wrote it, but I rationalised with myself that I was misremembering it and he had to have been involved in the Death Star stuff. Because really, what the fuck else does he do!??!!

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        in AOTC I liked when all of a sudden the story veered off into about 10 minutes of bizarre noir like story telling with Obi Wan. It was so out of place, inappropriate and downright weird that I found it enjoyable.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Was Jedi the first SW film the Missus had seen? Because that could be the key issue as to why she likes that movie.

      • Jarv says :

        Xi I’ve just asked her and it was the second. Chicks dig Ewoks apparently.

        Droid. He leads the assault on the base. Not great, really.

        In Tourist trap Covent Garden and just discovered the existence of Shrek: The Musical. Horrified.

      • Continentalop says :

        Harrison Ford was right – his character should have died. Sure no one wants Han to die, but a tragic death would have given his character something to do.

      • Tom_Bando says :

        Actually, Ford WAS hoping to die taking out the Death Star in Jedi–he was orig. supposed to be at the controls etc. But nooooooooo they loused it up by giving that over to Lando, putting Ford in same shots as Ewoks was a horrible, tragic mistake that still reverberates around the SW universe even today.

  22. Droid says :

    Right. I’m off. Adios!

  23. koutchboom says :

    ALSO just so you guys don’t get your hopes up, this wasn’t me obviously:


  24. Continentalop says :

    Jedi is a disappointment, but I do think the entire Jabba the Hutt opening (excluding Fett’s lame-o death) is some of the best stuff in the entire series. In fact I think Jabba > Emperor as a villain.

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