Burt Gummer’s Rec Room- Archive Jan-August 2015

A gathering place for paranoid survivalists and those who worship at the Church of Chang

A belated welcome to 2015, not unlike the welcome to 2014. Happy Fucking New Year.

Disclaimer: This is the part of the Church that is the most no holds barred. None of it is intended with malice, and although it can on occasion seem a little bit fraught, it is banter rather than venom. So, be warned that this is like taking a naked swim in a piranha tank and not recommended for the faint of heart.

2,269 responses to “Burt Gummer’s Rec Room- Archive Jan-August 2015”

  1. Continentalop says :

    Ok yesterday I watched a bunch of classic movies plus modern shit.

    BLAZING SADDLES – perfect
    MEAN STREETS – perfect
    CHINATOWN – perfect
    CASABLANCA – perfect

    IF I STAY – got a screener from a friend after I mentioned to her I liked THE FAULT OF THE STARS. No contest, this is much inferior. Just a bad, cliched movie

    THE INTERVIEW – James Franco is so annoying in this that I felt sympathy for Seth Rogen. I wonder if the movie would have been tolerable if Franco wasn’t in it, but as it is it had many 3-4 bits I laughed out loud to and above a dozen that were like nails on chalkboard.

    • tombando says :

      Casablanca just never, ever, gets old. I find I appreciate Claude Rains esp that much more whenever I see it again. Don’t tell me you don’t feel something when Bogie and Ingrid’s eyes meet again for the 1st time and ‘As time goes by’ swells. Holy.

      China Town I have, but it leaves me cold. Not sure why, has all the ingredients, and I like Jaack etc. Just something about it. There’s nothing flawed about it, understand. Donno.

      Blazing Saddles wad the first R rated flick I ever saw, my aunt snuck us away to see it in ’77 in a re-release. It was great fun. Never laughed harder, unless you count the time we all watched Excalibur a week after watching Holy Grail for the first time. But there the larfs were intentional. Its still fun. I like Cleavon Little.

      Mean Streets I need to see again. If its got that Friends of Eddie Coyle vibe to it, I’m there.

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        Tom,
        I agree with 99% of what you said! Casablanca is awesome and just like maltese falcon, never gets old.
        China town is a high quality flick that screams’ i am a high quality flick’ but it left me cold too. I never liked faye dunaway but i think it goes beyond her. It has a great story, great actors and director great cinematography but i never really get into it.
        Blazing saddles remains in my top three as funniest movie i have ever seen, and it was the undisputed champ for a long time.
        mean streets, and eddie coyle? hmm, maybe. i need to see it again

      • Continentalop says :

        I’m a huge CHINATOWN fan. Probably the greatest film directed by a future child rapist and fugitive. But it is an exquisite movie. Everything in it is just perfect IMO – the direction (yes, Polanski did a great job, may he rot in hell), the script is flawless, the cinematography and art direction, the score, and the acting – Jack,Faye Dunaway, John Huston, John Hillerman, Diane Ladd, and Burt Young, all great IMO.

        And of course the ending. CHINATOWN is one of the few movies that has a great twist and a shocking ending that still work for me even after watching it countless times.

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        Conti, i totally forgot that Polanski directed this. I could swear it was Huston.
        Nevertheless, while i acknowledge it is a brilliantly well made flick, it just never did anything for me other than knowing it was masterfully made

      • Continentalop says :

        No sweat, Toad. Different strokes. But I unabashedly love that film (even more than THE GODFATHER, which is saying a lot).

      • Jarv says :

        I like Chinatown, but find it hard to reconcile it with my general loathing of Polanski.

      • Continentalop says :

        Well if it helps Jarv, just remember Faye Dunaway through a cup of piss on Polanski during the making of this.

      • Jarv says :

        That does help. Almost watched Cul de Sac which I’ve been meaning to see for ages yesterday. Then I remembered who directed it.

      • Continentalop says :

        I have no problem seeing Polanski movies if they were made before he committed the crime (it’s not Mia Farrow and Ruth Gordon’s fault they worked for a future fugitive rapist)

        i also try a see his stuff by checking it out at the library. Hopefully he won’t get money that way.

      • Jarv says :

        That tends to be my thinking, but I always find myself on the look out for rapiness.

      • Continentalop says :

        Same here.

        I know they changed the ending per Polanski’s advice. But I always thought that was because Sharon Tate was murdered, now I wonder if it is because Polanski didn’t think a man should pay a price for raping his daughter.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s hard to avoid drawing those sort of conclusions. Like the scratches scene in RB. That’s rape, pally, you can’t brush it away the way the husband tried to.

  2. Judge Droid says :

    Cook has got to be history’s most boring human being. The guy is the human equivalent of watching paint dry.

    • Jarv says :

      He’s not even in the top 5 most boring England batsmen: Chris Tavare, David Steele, Trott, Boycott & I’ve blanked the other fucker’s name all made Cook look like Sobers. We’ve got a habit of producing terminally dull openers.

      But he is a cunt.

      Feel for Lyth here. Cook’s not scoring at all, so he’s got to start forcing it and he badly needs a score- because England refuse to address the problem that is Cook’s run rate, sacking the other player instead.

      • Jarv says :

        To be completely honest, I thought the kiwis would win both of these and I’ve been completely surprised so far.

      • Jarv says :

        Aside from being a terrible captain, and he’s just awful, The other problem is how one paced he is. I don’t mind playing yourself in, particularly in England, if you then get a move on, but he just doesn’t.

      • Jarv says :

        Shit. He just missed a drive. That’s all shots outside off stump cut off now. He won’t chance it again.

      • Jarv says :

        Rotate the fucking strike, you cunt.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Peruse my comment carefully. I didn’t narrow it down to history’s most boring batsman. I’m going for history’s most boring human being. There is absolutely nothing about him that is interesting. Nothing. At all. He’s even history’s most boring looking human being.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I feel bad for Lyth because he’s got two significant and conflicting areas of his cricket…

        a) He’s obviously pacing himself to match Cook.

        b) He’s not allowed to fail. Even though the Poms should’ve played him in the Windies for experience (and to establish the opening pair). If he fails here (which he hasn’t in the first innings) then the pressure for runs grows. I hope the kid gets a century to establish his place.

      • Judge Droid says :

        As for the Kiwis. I think I read that they arrived in the UK days before the first test. That can’t have helped.

      • Jarv says :

        Yup. IPL.

      • Jarv says :

        I also think England know this so are reckoning that their bowlers will be fucked after 10 overs or so.

      • Jarv says :

        Kiwis need to force something here. England just need the draw.

      • Jarv says :

        He’s looking very, very flaky at the minute.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck. Kiwis just dropped him. Bah.

      • Jarv says :

        Lyth opening up. England scoring at 5.4 in the last 10. He’s looking good, and hopefully goes on.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s driving me mad because he’s actually an attacking player, but knows he’s got to score big to cement his place so isn’t playing his shots.

      • Jarv says :

        The rest of this is spot on

      • Jarv says :

        He shoots deer on his day off, and is a miserable petulant tantrum throwing twat.

        Don’t know if either of those counts as interesting though.

      • Judge Droid says :

        No. That’s not interesting. Here’s the thing. Would you voluntarily choose to sit down and chat with him over a beer? I wouldn’t. Think of those boring batsmen you mentioned. You’d probably go for a beer with them wouldn’t you?

      • Jarv says :

        Boycott, yes. Tavare, yes. Trott, yes. Steele, no. I think Steele went on to be a bank manager or something like that.

        Cook apparently drinks in my uncle’s local and is “really nice”. Which I choose to interpret as “boring”

      • Judge Droid says :

        Yeah this is when you’ve got to tap into your feminine side. “Nice” equals boring.

      • Jarv says :

        Yup. And I also don’t like him or the majority of this England side.

  3. Continentalop says :

    Recent viewings.

    MALEFICENT – For a brief moment there I thought it’d be surprisingly if mildly entertaining, but that was a false dawn. It was pedestrian as hell and besides Jolie no one in that movie had any sort of charisma.

    PRIVATE EYE – Korean film. Not up there with CHASER but a serviceable mystery thriller. Is it just me or is Korea making the types of films Hollywood used to?

    SNOWPIERCER – I admire the talent that went into making it, but I also shake my head at the stupidity. It should have been a b-movie, instead it’s a b-movie that is treated like a serious drama. The director has talent but horrible choices/taste at times.

    MURDER MY SWEET – great.

    GUN CRAZY – great.

    • Jarv says :

      SNOWPIERCER – I admire the talent that went into making it, but I also shake my head at the stupidity. It should have been a b-movie, instead it’s a b-movie that is treated like a serious drama. The director has talent but horrible choices/taste at times.

      It’s a fucking awful movie. It should be a stupid B-movie about a civil war on a fucking train in a post-apocalyptic landscape and shot as such, with proper hero character leading the glorious uprising of the rear of the train. Instead, it’s written as some horrible sub-Beckettian load of crap (what it most reminds me of is fin de partie- albeit more defined than that), and stuffed full of boring, pompous metaphors and frankly painful “1%” oh-so-fucking-trendy class allegory shite. It’s genuinely a fucking terrible movie with a crass and stupid ending that wants to say more than the writer had any talent to get across.

      and that’s a brief snippet of the forthcoming review.

      • Jarv says :

        PRIVATE EYE – Korean film. Not up there with CHASER but a serviceable mystery thriller. Is it just me or is Korea making the types of films Hollywood used to?

        I’ve had this thought, but don’t think it’s just Korea doing it. Aside from Memories of Murder, The Chaser and a couple of others, there seems to be an emphasis on either misery porn, grand guignol nonsense or nasty horror. Japan, China etc are turning out the types of movies that Hollywood used to do (Election, Infernal Affairs 1, 2 and 3, Violent Cop etc) and all Hollywood has in response is to turn out generally terrible sub-par remakes of them. (Looking at you, Departed).

      • Continentalop says :

        Oh it’s bad – mostly because of the script – but I couldn’t help noticing that unlike most films of this ilk I could follow the action and get a sense of the spatial/geographic relations, and that a lot of the story is being to through the camera. Unlike most Hollywood dumb sci-fi movies this one you could turn off the audio and understand most of it as a silent movie.

        But it’s bad. They keep trying to play things not just straight but serious. I don’t mind the 1%er and class warfare message – a lot of good fun sci-fi like THEY LIVE – has similar messages, they just don’t beat your head over it with a shoe. And Chris Evans is a horrible leading man.

        I kept thinking if this was a John Carpenter film this could have been good.

      • Continentalop says :

        I agree except for your jab at THE DEPARTED. I like that film.

      • Jarv says :

        I know. It’s amazing how you can keep being wrong about it.

        To be fair, though, I saw IA first and couldn’t believe how rubbish The Departed was in comparison.

      • Continentalop says :

        Once again I disagree with you. I like IA but I prefer THE DEPARTED. IA is a damn good suspense thriller but THE DEPARTED is a study into the nature of dual identities, loyalty and what’s it like to live the life of a rat.

      • Jarv says :

        Have you seen Election?

      • Jarv says :

        Hold on, that’s a description of IA. The departed is a study of excess, pointless crap, bad casting and what happens when you let Jack off the leash.

      • Continentalop says :

        I have not seen ELECTION yet. Been meaning to.

        Compare when the two leads call each other for the first time to see which film is just going for tension/suspense and which is trying to say something different.

      • Jarv says :

        For me, though, that’s still IA. Mostly because Damon is shit in The Departed

      • Jarv says :

        For me, The Departed falls into the category of Scorcese movies that includes Hugo, aviator, shutter island that would get far more shit if they’d been directed by someone else. Hugo in particular.

      • Continentalop says :

        I think post GOODFELLAS Scorsese’s body of work has fallen, in terms of batting average. Sure he’s made some very good films (CASINO, CAPE FEAR, WOWS) and some good/above average films (AGE OF INNOCENCE) but most of his films have been a disappointment to me. KUNDUN, BRINGING OUT THE DEAD, GONY, THE AVIATOR, HUGO, all disappointments to me (every Scorsese movie has something interesting, but when it’s 2-1 in favor of boring I’ve got problems).

        But I actually like some of his most recent movies. THE DEPARTED and WOWS I would put in that tier right below MEAN STREETS, TAXI DRIVER, RAGING BULL and GOODFELLAS; and I found SHUTTER ISLAND to be halfway enjoyable in a silly pulp, b-movie noir way.

        But Scorsese has never been a big plot/story based director, something I think you said you’re more interested in.

      • Jarv says :

        I like a lot of Scorcese, but find almost everything post Casino seriously lacking. I genuinely think I prefer Kundun to his most recent stuff. Although I haven’t seen WOWS

      • tombando says :

        I like the Departed. I don’t so much Casino. I found Hugo to be a chore to sit through, plus knowing Harold bashed Muppets in it’s favor makes it that much Yuck for me. Original Fright Night was good fun. Leaving it be would have been the best idea Hollywood.

    • tombando says :

      Will be marathoning yr 2 of Burn Notice and Yr 4 of Sliders. It’s a good time.

      Snow Piercer is about a Supertrain running around the world, it’s basically The Road but you are stuck inside the Titanic complete with a hackneyed journey through the class levels. Then it goes off the rails. Is that close?

  4. Just Pillow Talk says :

    Finished Supernatural on Netflix…9 seasons.

    No character growth, same shit happens between brothers. They fuck up, people close to them die, usually they are interesting characters who they stupidly kill off, they fill in the season with filler episodes between the main arc..

    The one-off goofy episodes are few and far between as the series carried on, which is a shame. I thought the episode with the chick werewolf Sam had to kill was great, the episode with Benny going after his nest was good too. I did like how they found a home base. Crowley has his moments too. All in all, a semi entertaining series that shouldn’t have continued on for so long.

  5. Continentalop says :

    OK so last night I watched

    FRIGHT NIGHT (2011) – God this was a horribly pedestrian affair. The original was a fun and loving tribute/love letter to Hammer films, this was a crass tribute to cashing in on the names of film properties. And it’s not even a horror movie, it’s a comic book story with a supervillain but no superhero. The film is much more interested in action scenes and sfx superhuman feats than it is any kind of sunspense or fear.

    ONIBABA – very strange but very good 1964 Japanese horror film. Strangely reminded me of I WALKED WITH A ZOMBIE. Highly recommend if you want to see something different.

    • Jarv says :

      Fright Night 2011 fucking stinks. What’s odd though is that FN2 from 2013 is basically a FN remake but way better and at least tried something both a bit different and true to the original. Not that it’s great, because it isn’t, but I can’t help but wish it had had the 2011 atrocities budget.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        The same thing basically happens with the new Poltergeist. They had a small idea in there–that it could have turned into a kid-perspective Gate style movie about her siblings going after Carol Ann on their own, but that wasn’t remotely followed through with. What did strike me as odd is that Jared Harris is a poor substitute for the Zelda Rubinstein psychic here, but he might have actually been a good fit for a modern Peter Vincent. A much better fit at any rate than David Tennant’s stage magician.

        There were things I liked about Fright Night 2011, but it lacked a fundamental necessity; the original is a comedy with horror elements, and as such should include some genuine humor and wt.

      • Jarv says :

        Ugh. Nu-Poltergeist. Been avoiding that like the plague.

    • Echo the Bunnyman says :

      Onibaba is a great movie. It’s got the trappings of a ghost story, but there’s clearly a lot more going on there. I can see the parallels with the Val Lewton films, but there’s some really interesting psychological stuff going on in that pic. The mask, too, is genuinely unsettling in how its used in the story.

      Same director did another female-centric ghost story called Kuroneko. It’s good too, though not quite in the same league. Some very interesting interplay here between the concept of the bushido culture and avenging phantoms. It’s also got naked Japanese women with cat ears, but tries to keep it classy. It’s probably more of your typical folklore ghost elements than Onibaba.

      There’s also Ugetsu and Kwaidan that are both great ghost stories, and miles ahead of the crap Japan turns out these days disguised as horror.

      • Continentalop says :

        Speaking of UGETSU, the director of ONIBABA used to be Kenji Mitzoguchi’s (not going to check up spelling) assistant. I saw some similarities between the two, not just that they are both Japanese ghost stories shot in B&W.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        He was Mizoguchi’s assistant, and he clearly picked up a lot during that time. On of the things that stands out about both films is the way it uses the classic ghost story format to stage a genuinely compelling dichotomy between men and women in the samurai culture. I’d say Ugetsu is the one I like more, but Onibaba is the more original and aggressive of the two.

      • Continentalop says :

        I saw ONIBABA years ago, but I saw it with a bunch of other movies (including KWAIDAN) so they were all starting to blend together.

        The use of the terrain is what I WALKED WITH A ZOMBIE and ONIBABA share imo. The sugar canes and the reeds swaying. And the almost dream like quality of each film.

        But ONIBABA is a great movie on its own, and unlike any other. It feels like a fable (I do believe it is based on a old Buddist tale, kind of like how VIRGIN SPRING is based on something from the Bible I do believe) but a very earthy fable. And the film isn’t dumb but it goes right for the primordial part of the brain. The need for survival and desires, and the way the reeds and weeds almost seem to move based on how the characters feel. It is a great piece of phantasmical filmmaking.

  6. tombando says :

    San Andreas: Big Dumb Fun(tm), enjoyable idiocy if you like that kinda thing. If you were a fan of all things Irwin Allen or 2012, especially the facing skyscrapers bit, yer in luck. You won’t buy a moment of it, and everyone important is made of rubber, but it’s pretty ok for what it is. A decent cgi matinee time passer.

    • tombando says :

      I hate ottocorrect, Skyscrapers Falling…grrr

      • Continentalop says :

        I’m disappointed. I was hoping to see Skyscrapers with faces…

      • tombando says :

        Well there’s always those old talking houses on the Muppets

      • Judge Droid says :

        I saw San Andreas. It was entertaining enough. It was a bit too heavy on the melodrama but otherwise it was decent. The American flag at the end was a laugh out loud moment. And I’ll say it again. A pox on the digital zoom. This movies full of them and they’re all shitty.

  7. Continentalop says :

    Hey Echo have you heard about that French movie THE CONNECTION? And do you know if it is any good (if you’ve actually seen it, even better)?

    • Echo the Bunnyman says :

      Hey Conti, I saw The Connection a few months back. It’s key claim to fame is that its the French side of The French Connection, but it probably plays a little closer in theme to a French version of Heat. It’s not a bad movie at all–and you might enjoy it because it represents a move towards the kind of filmmaking you miss from the 70s–but outside of Dujardin in the lead, who was quite good, there was nothing that really stood out from any other similar version of the story where the cop and the mobster are going head-to-head.

      It is worth seeing, but I felt a little too much of it was the filmmakers doing a riff on ’70s filmmaking’ instead of really telling this story in the most interesting way possible. See it for the acting and the art direction. It’s worth it on those fronts.

  8. tombando says :

    Ten things I learned from watching San Andreas:

    1: Bass boats go right over raging Tsunamis. George Clooney you should’ve known better.

    2: You can outrun Quakes.

    3: The Jetsons designed the LA skyline.

    4: Koreans are dammed. (Makes sense if you see it.)

    5: You can hold your breath for 22 minutes under water with very little training.

    6: Earthquakes migrate.

    7: Tsunamis have no sense of direction.

    8: Geologists are psychic.

    9: Cargo ships hated the Fantastic Four 2005 movie as bad as you did.

    10: Lying on top of a collapsing Skyscraper which implodes 6 stories is like riding in a bouncy house.

    11: Helicopters can hover for 9 hours.

    12: Fiats rock climb.

    13: You can find anyone you want in a collapsing megacity by just looking had enough.

    14. Landlines are invulnerable.

    15: The Rock is Acquaman.

    • tombando says :

      16: New Yorkers can feel California quakes.

      17: Coit Tower is aka ‘That Nozzle thing’.

      18: Cement floats

      19: The Rock has a 29 yr old coed daughter.

      20. Carla stays properly Guigono’d in all kinda conditions.

      21: Geologists live under desks.

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      So it’s so bad it’s good? Sounds a bit genius.

      • tombando says :

        Oh yes Do see it. It puts the Dumb in Big Dumb fun. I spent lotsa time rolling my eyes but its worthy. Just be aware of what you are getting into.

    • Toadkillerdog says :

      Thanks for ruining the flick Tom, now i will never see it you hater

    • Echo the Bunnyman says :

      “cargo ships hated the Fantastic Four movie as bad as you did”.

      Funny.

      I liked San Andreas too. Sure it was basically written like a SyFy original, but it had better actors and special effects and you can actually see the action and disaster scenes without vomiting or getting dizzy. And of course, The Rock helped it greatly. I liked it more than pretty much anything Emmerich has done post Independence Day and better than all of Bay’s disaster-style movies.

      • Jarv says :

        That reminds me, I watched Journey 2 the other day and much to my surprise, didn’t hate it.

      • Jarv says :

        Struggling like fury with this bloody Kingsman review.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I’ve seen Kingsman. I actually kind of liked it. Aspects of it anyway.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I don’t think I’ve mentioned it but I saw Tomorrowland a few weeks ago and it was shit. Not shit shit. Just shit. That Lindelof dickhead is the kiss of death.

      • Jarv says :

        He really is almost completely devoid of talent as a writer. I’m amazed he’s risen as high as he has, because his scripts are the very embodiment of emperor’s new clothes.

      • Jarv says :

        Got a phone interview in half an hour. Desperately trying to get Finn to go to sleep for it.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Lace his bottle with brandy?

      • Jarv says :

        Thought about it.

        Done. That was very short, but she’s basically looking for someone that’s willing to do everything and start immediately. No difficult questions or answers at all.

      • Judge Droid says :

        That sounds like a shitty job. But one you’d take obviously. It sucks being unemployed. I’ve got the excuse of studying and it sucks!

      • Jarv says :

        The salary is ludicrously high on it for what a crap job it is. So, yeah, I’d jump at it.

      • Jarv says :

        I half like it. The things I don’t like are Jackson’s villain and the horrible way the action is shot- particularly the scene in the church. Just awful direction. Liked Firth and Egerton a lot.

        I also feel that it’s basically two films, there’s the fun one with the kid going through training, and the shitty bond knock off with Firth v Jackson.

        Oh, and it’s far too post-modern. For a change.

        But, having said all that, it is fairly entertaining, and easily Vaughan’s best film since Stardust.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I liked the church scene. Which I surprised me. I didn’t mind Jacksons villain. I just thought the lisp was dumb and kind of annoying. The training etc and the main kid were pretty good. Firth was okay. The anal sex joke was terrible. Overall it’s okay. Definitely his best since Stardust. And his only other decent movie at all.

      • Jarv says :

        The anal sex joke was terrible

        I must have blanked that out. Don’t remember it at all.

      • Judge Droid says :

        It’s at the end with the Swedish (?) princess held captive. She says something like “if you save me I’ll let you fuck me in the arse”. And the whole ending, after he’s killed SLJ, is him rushing back to her cell. It’s “hilarious” because he’s really keen on sticking his dick in her arse.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m wondering if mine was edited. Because it’s “more than a kiss” on the one I saw.

        But that is shit

      • Jarv says :

        The lisp really encapsulates a lot of what’s wrong with it. Why does he have a lisp? What does it add to the character? Nothing. They’ve already established that he’s squeamish, but it’s total overkill and makes him kind of pathetic. Which is really jarring after the whole “great villain” conversation.

        I’m feeling 2, maybe 2.5 changs for it.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I’d give it 2. I’d struggle to justify 2.5 given its problems.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m leaning that way too

      • Judge Droid says :

        I think the UK version is edited to get a 15. So that may be it.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I’ve seen that and yes, it’s okay.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Y’know, I didn’t hate Journey either. In fact, for what it was–a throwback matinee movie with a charismatic star–I thought it was enjoyable and I think I gave it a 2.5 out of 4 when I saw it. Sure, there were tons of dumb jokes and Luis Guzman fell like forty times, and it barely resembles anything Verne ever put his name on, but I concede that it mostly worked for what it was.

        The creatures actually did sort of affectionately remind of Harryhausen, although to my surprise, it was goofball stuff like Rock playing the ukelele that I found most entertaining.

        Same director on Journey 2 did San Andreas, and I think he could go on to be a pretty decent blockbuster director if he keeps his sensibilities about him. Thing I like about both films is that they keep the action mostly crisp and clean–in terms of visuals–and they don’t try to muddy the water with a bunch of over overwrought, usually wrong-headed, ‘style’.

        As for Kingsman, it really is a movie of halves for me, and they don’t really all go together. The church scene, in conception, is clearly the movie’s strongest moment; but I don’t like the way it’s shot, its overpowering given whats on either side of it, and its followed by some smug self-awareness in the following scene that also robs the movie of the one element I was really enjoying up til that point.

        Jackson was irritating, his plan was crap, and I got a bit bored with the last action sequence. I was actually enjoying the training camp stuff–particularly the sky-diving bit, and I was really enjoying Firth’s turn. It’s an alright movie, but I feel like it could have been much better. I’m just not sure in which direction it should have gone. There’s something to the church bit, I just don’t think it was fully thought-out. I saw it next to Jupiter Ascending though, so it seemed a lot better at the time.

        Tomorrowland. Man, that movie was a void. I so wanted to like it, and I really did–for the first, er, five minutes or so. Then it went down a blackhole of suck. It’s really disappointing because in initial conceit and approach, it should have been something worth getting excited for. Instead, it’s the usual Lindelof slop. It has exactly the same problems as Lost, Prometheus, etc.

      • Jarv says :

        The church scene, in conception, is clearly the movie’s strongest moment; but I don’t like the way it’s shot, its overpowering given whats on either side of it, and its followed by some smug self-awareness in the following scene that also robs the movie of the one element I was really enjoying up til that point.

        This. Exactly this.

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      Fuuuuck. Put like that, it’s quite striking. It’s amazing how many movies on the 70’s list I was like, now that’s a good movie. Go to the 2000’s list, and I had to search to find ones I really liked. ’74 surprised me with 3 comedies in the top ten.

      • Judge Droid says :

        What was the third comedy in 74? Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein and…

      • Judge Droid says :

        That year, 1974, wasn’t great. Sure it had 3-4 great movies but those disaster movies are terrible. I particularly hated The Towering Inferno.

      • Continentalop says :

        Well droid, those two put a damper on the year but look at the last 15-years. Every year we get 3-4 movies just as bad, or at least just as dumb, in the top 10. Usually with the Marvel logo…

        Plus even with those two look at the diversity of genres and ratings. Now look at nowadays, pretty much all PG-13 sci-fi/action franchises.

      • Continentalop says :

        Also think of all the good movies NOT in the top 10 for 1974:

        Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Black Christmas, The Longest Yard, Death Wish, Mr. Majestyk, Thieves Like Us, California Split, Taking of Pelham One Two Three, Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia, Woman Under the Influence, Thunderbolt and Lightfoot, Parallex View, Sugarland Express, Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore, Lenny, The Gambler, Conrack, F is for Fake, Cockfighter, and the Conversation.

        I think I’d be hard pressed to list as many for any year post 2000.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I’m only going off the list you posted. Which is another example of why Box Office is a terrible basis to gauge quality.

      • Continentalop says :

        Pillow I think you misread AIRPORT as AIRPLANE.

      • tombando says :

        ’72 have some gaps, never saw What’s up Doc for example.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Yeah, that’s what happens first thing in the morning…..can’t read shit.

      • Continentalop says :

        Pillow in the morning:

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Mmmm….beer and eggs. Please don’t forget the sausage.

  9. tombando says :

    Lovimg Burn Notice yr 2 dvd, has a combo of Alias, Simon and Simon, Mission Impossible. Fun
    ! Why don’t they do this more?

    • tombando says :

      For Conti Pops: ever see Cagney in Yankee Doodle Dandy? Same guy is in White Heat. I donno anyone else who could do this. Am I wrong?

      • Continentalop says :

        Cagney was one of a kind. The only guy who gets remotely close that I can think of is Dick Powell, who went the opposite route. Song and dance man in stuff like 42nd STREET into a tough guy actor in MURDER MY SWEET and CRY DANGER (but never as tough as Jimmy Cagney).

      • tombando says :

        True! Caught Murder my sweet and GOLD Diggers of’ 38 with Powell. You’d never know it was the same guy.

      • Continentalop says :

        John Payne was another one. Went from light musicals and dramas to film noirs and westerns after the war.

  10. Just Pillow Talk says :

    Watched the first two episodes of Marco Polo, which gave been average. Actually fell asleep during the first one. The second one was sort of just going on when *BAM* chick gets naked in front of 3 dopey guards and goes all kung fu on their asses. It was an utterly brilliant scene that has bought the series instant goodwill for me. See, I really don’t ask for much in a series.

  11. tombando says :

    How is the Parallelex view? I think I have seen some of it but its been yrs.

  12. Continentalop says :

    Recent viewings:

    22 JUMP STREET – disappointing. 21 JUMP STREET was a surprise, this one felt forced as hell.

    MacGRUBER – probably liked it better than it really is because I saw it after 22 JUMP STREET, but I enjoyed it. Dumb as shit though.

    THE SET-UP – Maybe not the greatest boxing movie ever, but it is up there. A damn masterpiece.

    THE BIRDS – Also a damn masterpiece. Watching it this time though I wondered if maybe it was a very veiled allegory about the civil rights movement and unrest in America, and white fear/paranoia. That is what happens when you watch….

    CONQUEST OF THE PLANET OF THE APES – right afterwards.

    Also watched 4 episodes of GOT and read a book this weekend called ZEROVILLE. Highly recommend it to cinephiles here.

    • tombando says :

      The Birds always works for me, glad they never redid it.

      Burn Notice, season Too. Pretty good Mission Impossible set in Miami, decent shootouts, car chases, multi thread plots. Bruce Campbell is fun. Don’t see much to carp about. Like the Sagging PI type narration too. Planning to see more.

      Psych, Yr 7. This is-ok. Not sure about the whole Pseudo Moonlighting air to it, and the lead took me a while to key into. It’s kinda fun but can’t imagine wading through more seasons of it.

      Willow: wound up live tweeting this upon a first time in 22 yrs viewing. ..enjoyable if cribbing from around 987 sources. Kilmer walks through it, Warwick Davis is fun, I like the Barty, and you never can get enough goofy two headed Moat Monsters. Sadly you can see a Lot of Prequel George Lucas in this. Richie Cunningham never did another of these, you can see why here, too. I still think Willow>Sir Petey Jax’ Hobbit three some.

  13. M. Blitz says :

    Goodbye Christopher Lee! Goodbye Ornette!

  14. M. Blitz says :

    Dang, and Dusty Rhodes too

  15. Jarv says :

    Recent watching:

    Big Hero 6. Mildly Amusing. Better than practically every other Marvel Movie
    Beowulf: Hilariously awful. When Rhona Mitra puts in the best performance, the film’s in trouble
    Zombeavers (hehehe)
    Avengers: Shit, still. Boring until Thor turns up, confusing afterwards and just a big overrated mess. Redeemed by a decent turn from Hiddlestone
    Fair bit of the cricket. England improved beyond all recognition. Still going to get a whipping from the crims though.

  16. tombando says :

    Jurassic World: Uber Frankenstein Dino escapes on DinoDisneyland. Hijinks ensue. Great Fx, paperthin characters, many odes to the first JP, grating turns by Howard and D’onofrio, another assembly line summer Product probably better off directed by Mikey Bay. I liked it ok but it’s exactly what you expect, same tropes you see in everything like it from Kong onwards.

  17. tombando says :

    Ten things I learned from Jurassic Park Fore:

    1: Dinos like sushi
    2: You can run through a jungle in heels ala Nikes.
    3: Dinos wear Gillie Suits
    4: Dinos bowl.
    5:Dinos use GPS.
    6:Apu flies copters.
    7: Tasers are Big Game Weapons.
    8: Dinos talk.
    9: Dinos form wolf packs.
    10: Dinos read.
    11: Dinos are pets.
    12: Dinos are fascinated by road flares.
    13: You can Rpg a Dino.
    14: Dinos like Harleys
    15: You can start up jeeps after 22 yrs of inactivity.
    16: Pteradactyls strafe.
    17: Dinos play pool
    18: Brontos have souls
    19: Big Dinos and little Dinos will team up against even Bigger Dinos.
    20. It’s easy to shoot down Pteradactyls from computers.
    21: Dinos outrun Minigun fire.
    22: Stegasaurus are gay.

  18. Jarv says :

    That sounds shit.

    Talking of shit, I finally saw X-Lame Days of Future Ass.

    That’s it. I’m done. I’m NEVER watching another shitty X-Men movie. It took me up to Diary of the Dead to swear off Romero, so this has been remarkably quick.

    I fucking loathe McAvoy.

    • Jarv says :

      Christ, what a load of wank. Endured every painful, boring, pompous moment of it. Even the Dink couldn’t make that a good film. Fucking nerds slobbering over absolute fucking toss, again.

      Dull as ditchwater, more convoluted than a bowl of spaghetti, just irredeemable fucking shite from start to finish, and that’s before I even get into the causality problems of it. I am so, so glad I didn’t spend money on that toss.

      Oh, and Magic Reset button so we can have the whole dreary cast from Singer’s originals back? Thanks for that.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Nah dude you’re wrong. It’s brilliant. It kicked ass. It makes sense. There’s never a dull moment. McAvoy is terrific and likeable. There’s much more to it than what’s shown in the trailers. Lawrence really does look like she wants to be there. I loved it. It’s the best of a great series. I can’t wait for the next one.

      • Judge Droid says :

        In other news, Season 2 of Silicon Valley was shit.

      • Jarv says :

        Didn’t see a single trailer, because I wasn’t going to bother with it at all. Was just looking for something to watch so acquired it. Wish I hadn’t.

        Complete and Utter Shit. Again.

        Seriously, why does this series (bar 3) get a universal pass from Nerds? They’re all fucking terrible. 3 isn’t even the worst of them, but seems to be the only one that gets abuse.

      • Jarv says :

        Lawrence really does look like she wants to be there

        Hee hee. She’s not alone. At one point I was half expecting McKellen to actually say “what am I still doing in this crappy fucking series?”

        This is half the problem with it, they can’t let go of ANY of the characters so each one is a derivation on X-Men v Magneto/ evil humans don’t understand me because I’m gay as I’m different.

        And bringing back Jean Grey reeks of Singer wanting another crack at Dark Phoenix.

      • Judge Droid says :

        How bored with acting must McKellen be these days? After that bucket of shit Hobbit trilogy and the X-Men movies I’m surprised he hasn’t retired.

      • Jarv says :

        He’s got something a bit meatier coming out here, Mr. Holmes, but I’m not that interested in it.

        After 6 shitty LOTR films and 4 shitty X-Men movies, he must surely have the mortgage paid off now. He should retire.

        He says that he’ll never appear as Magneto again, which is something to be thankful for, I suppose.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I think the next one is introducing all the younger versions of those characters. Jean Grey, Storm etc.

      • Jarv says :

        ugh:

        In January 2015, Singer announced that Alexandra Shipp, Sophie Turner, and Tye Sheridan will portray young Storm, Jean, and Cyclops.[22] The same month, Kinberg confirmed that Rose Byrne would reprise her role as Moira MacTaggert in the film.[1] In February, Patrick Stewart stated that Ian McKellen would be returning as Magneto.[23] The same month, Kodi Smit-McPhee was cast as Nightcrawler and Ben Hardy was cast in an unspecified role.[2][24] In March, Singer announced that Lana Condor was cast as Jubilation Lee.[7] In April, Singer confirmed that Hardy will portray Angel, Olivia Munn will portray Psylocke, and Lucas Till will return as Havok.[4][5][8] In May, Singer announced that the mutant Caliban will appear in the film.[25][26]

        Mckellen said the magneto thing isn’t true

      • Jarv says :

        ugh ugh ugh:

        “It will address historical mutant-cy, meaning the deep past, mutant origins and things like that. It’s something that’s always intrigued me when we think about our Gods and our history and miracles and powers.”

      • Jarv says :

        So basically, it’s a grand origin film.

        Just fuck off Singer. This is NINE fucking films into this rancid franchise now.

      • Judge Droid says :

        And they’ve got the Wolverine conundrum coming up in the next few years. Apparently Wolverine 3 will be Jackman’s last gig as the character.

      • Jarv says :

        Wouldn’t bet on that. I’ve got inside knowledge on that one. Got to pop to shop will explain when I get back

      • Judge Droid says :

        I hope they don’t set that Deadpool movie in the X-Men “universe”. Cause that thing actually looks like it could be fun.

      • Judge Droid says :

        If I was Jackman i’d be well and truly over working out that much for the role. The guys in his mid-forties. I read about his workout routine and diet a few years ago. Things like having to wake up at 2am to eat a steak dinner cause he had to eat every 4 hours or something like that.

      • Jarv says :

        The missus’ cousin is on stage with him in that lame one-man song and dance show at the moment. Basically, she asked him, as her two younger brothers are massive fans of Wolverine, and he said that he’d rather not do it, but turning up as Wolverine every few years allows him to keep touring his crappy song and dance stage show. If he loses interest in that, then he’ll bin Wolverine, but I get the feeling it’s dependent on him carrying on.

      • tombando says :

        That and Apes Too were the biggies from a yr ago I missed. Was Apes at least passable?

      • Jarv says :

        Apes was OK. Big step down from rise but highly watchable.

      • Jarv says :

        What I don’t get about McAvoy’s prof X is that someone made a call to make the character a complete cunt. And THEN cast the most unlikable actor currently about in the role. It has to be intentional.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Apes Part Deux was very good until the Generic Hollywood ShowdownTM, sub-section: High Rise. Which is also my main issue with Rise, which had a Generic Hollywood ShowdownTM, sub-section: Obviously Recognisable Landmark.

      • Jarv says :

        It was decent, but had nothing in it as good as the first third of Rises. True about the last act of both.

      • Judge Droid says :

        The first half or so of Rise is great. But so is the first half of Dawn. I won’t say one is better than the other but they’re both quality. If Rise had an actor that came across as more… invested, then it would have been the obvious better film. But Franco wasn’t particularly strong. And the relationship with Pinto was terrible.

      • Jarv says :

        Pinto was the obvious weak link for me in that film. The character was useless, and she wasn’t great.

    • tombando says :

      I really didn’t like Xmen First Class, it just felt all wrong.

  19. tombando says :

    A fun trifecta: the Mummy, Mask of Zorro and now Congo. I miss stuff like this. Congo especially is So much fun.

  20. tombando says :

    Ten things I learned from watching Congo:

    1. Lava targets only bad gorillas
    2: Blue Diamonds, metal tubing and a doohickey are all you need to assemble a deathray in 4 minutes.
    3: Joe Don Baker is a computer mogul.
    4: Good gorillas are Brown.
    5: Bad gorillas are grey.
    6: Romanians sound like Dracula
    7: Rwandans like crumb cake more than life itself.
    8: Talking monkeys sound like ET
    9: Flare guns are can distract Stinger Missiles.
    10: Apes draw.
    11: Apes like Banana flavored Prozac
    12: Hot air balloons are standard Cia gear.
    13: Bad Apes live in perfectly manicured Lava caves.
    14: Apes like electric eyes.
    15: Apes do Banzai charges.
    16: Ex Ghost busters lead Safaris
    17: You can shoot spy satellites down with blue diamond lasers
    18: Joey Pants collects gorillas
    19: Bad Apes are smaller than good Apes
    20: Tim Curry will do anything for a buck
    21: The token Asian Indian guy always gets it.
    22: You can learn to parasail in no time
    23: Jungle plants come in plastic
    24: Ostriches are gay
    25: Bruce Campbell “” for a buck.
    26. Laura Linney is a good shot.

    • tombando says :

      27: Apes teach other apes sign language
      28: King Solomon mined diamonds in Zaire.

      29: Bad Apes don’t like Jews.
      30: Apes eat eyeballs.
      31: Plastic Jungle plants ward off insects.
      32: Manicured Lava Caves Bad Apes live in have equally manicured, perfect canal like streams running through them
      33: You can’t bribe Apes
      34: Cia types are’ Geeks with Cell phones “.
      35: Movies about Killer Apes must have 41 disclaimers about how Real Apes are nice Apes. But revels in Killer Ape Hijinks nonetheless.
      36: Hippos are animatronic
      37: Apes bounce.

      • tombando says :

        I love that movie, for all the obvious wrong reasons. Conti Pops was right about how fun, mid range budget things like Congo, the Mummy and Mask of Zorro get pushed aside now. Definitely not Marvel or DC territory.

      • Judge Droid says :

        The 90’s has heaps of those types of movies. I especially love Mask of Zorro.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Catherine Zeta-Jones was amazingly beautiful in that….

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        I remember watching Congo in the theater, great stupid fun.

    • Echo the Bunnyman says :

      Congo is so gloriously stupid. It’s definitely fun, but I don’t think it does half of what it does on purpose (as Ebert used to think).

      One of the oddest things is how it spends quite nearly an hour demonstrating how difficult it is to get through the airspace just to get to their location, and they are ultimately shot down in a plane. But then, at the end, we are supposed to accept that a bunch of them in a hot air balloon will just blissfully sail through the same airspace to safety.

      Most of that is wiped away by lines like “Stop eating my seasame cake!” and “I’m the great white hunter…but of course, I’m black.”

      I do miss that 90’s cheese.

  21. Judge Droid says :

    I saw Jurassic Park 4. While it’s entertaining, and a hell of a lot better than 2 or 3 (which I watched last weekend and are TERRIBLE), it’s got a bucketload of problems and a lot of them start at script level.

    1. None of the characters matter, apart from Pratt who only matters cause he’s buddies with the raptors. Remember in the first one when the girl, who was a walking happy meal all through the film, saved the day at the end cause she knew about computers? There’s NOTHING like that in this movie. The kids are so annoyingly pointless and only in the movie cause a Jurassic Park movie needs kids in it. They even make the younger kid a borderline autistic brainiac or someshit and do nothing with it. Their dialogue with each other is embarrassing. Their parents getting divorced adds nothing. They’re a waste of screen time which is important because…

    2. Shit just happens. The Raptors are easily the most potentially interesting thing in the film. But they’re dealt with so sparingly that they end up flip flopping between good and bad in a blink. The “secret” element in the genetic makeup of the new dino is so obvious that they may as well not have bothered with the reveal. The main Raptor and the T-Rex give each other a meaningful “spect bro” look after teaming up for no apparent reason because nothing about the T-Rex has suggested that level of intelligence or self-awareness. D’Onofrio (who is awful) just all of a sudden is in cahoots with the scientist who is only in the film to blatantly set up sequels. The Indian CEO flies a helicopter for no reason other than to give him ANYTHING to do and so they can bump him off halfway through. And the only reason the CEO is a character in the movie at all is presumably because the actor is a huge Bollywood star. The swimming dino gets involved for no reason other than he had just watched Deep Blue Sea and wanted to recreate the SLJ scene. And Bryce Dallas Howard spends the WHOLE FILM in high heels, yet manages to run like a bat out of hell throughout. No matter the surface. She even manages to outrun a T-Rex while carrying a flare! If a sensible shoes wearing Malcolm in the first one gets blitzed in seconds by a rampaging T-Rex, how can we believe a woman in heels can outpace one?

    Anyway, it’s mildly entertaining. It’s directed so that you can see most of the action. It’s a step up from the sequels but still A LOOOOOONG way off the original.

    • Echo the Bunnyman says :

      That’s pretty spot-on I’d say regarding Jurassic World. I found it to be more than mildly entertaining, but the lackluster script and poor characters keep distracting from the fun. You’d wonder too, how hard would it be to get a decent script together for something like this, given how long they’ve had to think about it. At least no human/raptor hybrid hit-squad like those old rumored scripts.

      The direction and the dinosaurs were good, and I like the concept, I’d just liked to have explored more of the opened park. There was a serious lack of herbivores or animals that weren’t designed to bite. I know that ship has sailed, but I was always waiting for the Jurassic park sequels to jump away from the monster attack formula. I guess that was unrealistic, but I think its a good bit of why none since then have really worked.

      Also, there are more dinos out there than velociraptors and T-Rex. A bankruptcy on the imagination of the writers of this one that they want to present a hybrid and choose the most obvious candidates.

      The high heel scene was ridiculous–and was probably meant to be so–but I guess after attacking her barren, stiff working woman all movie, they had to show she could haul ass in heels.

      It just reminded me of a better scene in The Relic, where Penelope Ann Miller sees the monster has eaten her mentor, then stares at Tom Sizemore and takes off her heels to show she’s ready to kick ass.

      I did enjoy it, but I’d put all those movies Tom mentioned above, and Deep Blue Sea–and possibly The Relic–above this one.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Maybe mildly entertaining is downplaying it a little. For the most part it’s never boring. I did get fidgety when the kids were in that bubble mobile for example. Some of the dialogue was terrible. Like when the kids escaped the big baddie and the older one said “You jumped!” to the young one. Or the gag where the young one said “I can’t wait to tell mum about this!” The kid just got attacked by a monster trying to eat him!

        The other dino’s, which the first film allowed us simply to wonder at, even if briefly, were relegated to gags or forced sentiment. The playpen shots with the toddlers riding the dino’s and the dying Brontosaurus specifically.

        Raptors + T-Rex + BiggerAndBadderDino = JP Formula

    • Echo the Bunnyman says :

      To be slightly fair, the Indian CEO is played by a solid actor who has had a decent amount of exposure the past few years here stateside. Also, he seemed like he could be a potentially interesting character, at least at first. They did absolutely nothing with him. What I was wondering was, given what happened in the other films, what kind of person could successfully convince the public to open a Jurassic World? It would take a Hammond type, but someone maybe slightly more charismatic, and a bit more nutty.

      I thought that would be his purpose in the film, but it wasn’t. It was just a placeholder until he became fodder.

      Also, and maybe I missed it, but no mention of Isla Sorna, site B? I get that they were trying to distance from the sequels, but presumably in this universe–the same universe as the original films–there’s another island out there, sans fences, that has dinos roaming freely on it, and pterosaurs can wing their way wherever they want. What was the fall-out from that?

      • tombando says :

        I kinda like JP 3, hated Too. Needed raptors on bikes in this.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I kinda liked JP3. Until I watched it last week. It’s terrible. As insignificant a sequel as you could get. The only saving grace of the whole shebang is the ring tone gag.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I thought the same til watching it recently too. I will say, I think I like the recklessness of it to a lot of the over-calculated stuff in The Lost World. But Tea Leoni and a lack of ending really kick it in the junk. I like the pteranadon scene.

        Both of the first two sequels just feel like set pieces looking for a story. Which is a large part of why they are terrible. Postlewhaite shows up in LW, spouts a few lines, and does virtually nothing onscreen. What a waste.

        Michael Jeter and Will Macy are in J3, and there’s really no good reasonable use of them at all.

        Also, there are really no dependable ‘wow’ moments or thrills in either film. I guess the trailer scene in LW is effective enough, but I don’t rememeber being on the edge of my seat the way I was for the original.

      • Jarv says :

        I’d orangutan of doom LW.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        There’s so much wrong with it, and a good bit of it at the structural level. The structure is so strange. It feels like the movie is just about to get going after the trailer scene, but then it’s just a handful of scenes and we are at the rescue, and then no Postlewhaite hunting the T-Rex, when his whole character purpose has been this one thing, and then that dopey Godzilla coda in the city.

        Of course there’s other stuff too. Vaughn is terrible, and technically his character and Moore’s are almost singlehandedly responsible for the fact everyone is stranded and eaten. Only character I was even sort of connecting to was Richard Schiff, who gets devoured pretty early on.

        You could mention the lack of good dino scenes outside T-Rex, or the horrible gymnastic bit, but my biggest issue is how the movie completely neuters Goldblum’s Malcolm and makes him action hero guy, instead of the smarmy sarcastic dude from the first.

      • Jarv says :

        Even if the rest of the film were golden, which it most certainly isn’t, for reasons you’ve laid out, Gymnast kiddie kicking dinosaur through window would still make it OoD.

      • Jarv says :

        And, while I’m thinking about it, the T-Rex on the mainland shit is painful.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        In the third, didn’t the kid survive on island for like weeks or something?

        Macy and Leoni were horrible in that too from what I remember.

      • Jarv says :

        The whole film is horrible, but a kid doesn’t kick a dinosaur out of a window.

      • tombando says :

        JP 3 has Strategic Guest Star Sam O’Neill. I liked him ok. The movie overall is a mess. Has that big Dino that kills the T-rex, so there’s that.

        Lost World I basically despise.

  22. tombando says :

    Ten things I Really like about Mask of Zorro :

    1: The pointy end goes into the other man..?
    2: Superstar LQ Jones!
    3: Heads in a jar.
    4: Tumbling Goldbars of Death
    5: Best, committed Hopkins performance of that era.
    6: Bandaras. He’s up to the job and more, great sense of fun.
    7: Zeta Jones, fencing, etc. Yowzah.
    8: Horse, branches, Mexican soldiers, Hijinks ensue.
    9: Elaborate Bandaras flailing fence moves, casual Henson swat,”This is going to take a lot of work–”
    10: Snidely Whiplash baddies, head Don and Custer Jr henchman. You loathe them.
    10: Cannon use in barracks.
    11:Cannon ball use as dental equipment on Mexican Jaws baddie, spat out teeth ensue, etc
    12: Tempormental Horse.
    13: Martin Campbell never better.

    • tombando says :

      Ten things I really like about the Mummy:

      1: Rachel Weisz. You like her, too.
      2: Brendan Fraser finds the balance between Bruce Campbell and Patrick Warburton, plays the lantern jawed man of action with enough of a wink to let you know he’s in on the joke, but straight just the same.
      3: Kevin J O’Connor as quasi Hungarian Peter Lorre/ Gollum weasel. He’s great.
      4: Scarabs of Doom.
      5: Oded Ferah as the Tomb Guardian. Paging Omar Sharif. A bit.
      6: “Hey Winston: Pedal Faster! ” Winston is fun.
      7: “You came back from the desert with a new friend, didn’t you Benny-!?”
      8 “I said 4-Four! Not the whole bloody herd!” The drunk cowardly brother is a hoot.
      9: General mummy fx/stuff. Not bad. Vosloo does the silent glower thing fine. The Temple guard Zombies are pretty cool.
      10: “Bugs-I hate bugs!” He has some fun lines. Prison haggling is cool.
      11: “Take that Bainbridge Scholars!”
      12: Interchangeable American cannon fodder. They’re serviceable types that don’t get in the plots way.
      13: “Your strength gives me strength- ” Benny to a t.
      14: Just the general sense of fun and unpretentious adventure here. Too bad they didn’t sustain it afterwards.
      13: Just…because. It’s fu

      • tombando says :

        15: Stephen Summers direction here. What happened to this guy? Mummy Too was a rushed, let’s go Big unfocused rehashing, Van Helsing embarrassing , GI Joe ok but he was yanked from the editing etc. He could have gone to better things seems to me based on this. Oh well.

  23. Xiphos0311 says :

    What I’ve watched lately Godfather 2, have you guys seen this? It’s pretty good. It’s adult and complex and well shot and acted and most importantly NOT ONE UNDERWEAR WEARING ON THE OUTSIDE SUPERHERO FUCKTARD TOO BE SEEN.

  24. Xiphos0311 says :

    In other entertainment related news:

    I’ve watched some episodes of BBC America adaptation of Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell. Man is that thing a slog to get through all the BBC worst period piece instincts are on display. Namely it looks great but it moves at a glacial place and there is an off putting sense of arrogant superiority to it.

    I ended up watching this seasons Game of Tedium and Boredom because it provided some great new opportunities for trolling. I did realize finally what GoY reminded me of, season 1 of Heroes. What I mean by that is there were like 2 episodes that get the fan bois all atwitter and like a couple of cliff hangers to keep the fan bois boys wet but no pay off. Then there was the talking talking talking talking and a crippling bad finale. The fan bois are starting to grumble a bit so they are waking up to the fact that the show is awful, boring derivative junk.

    Strike Back the final season. Thank the Buddha for this wonderfully retarded tour de force in senseless well choreograph violence, sex and nudity. This is seriously one of the most stupidest shows ever made and one of the most gloriously entertaining. I will cry at the last episode because it won’t be back ever again.

    Since I was burned so bad by Mildly Annoyed Maxine Pussy Road I have sworn off all remakes reboots, sequels prequels and superhero movies. I’ve also shit canned a bunch of TV. Because of that I’ve started to read a lot more again and have some book reviews to do which of course I have not been doing. nor have I finished my review for The Austrian Oak flick Maggie which really was very good.

    • tombando says :

      Never seen Game of Crones, not too interested.

      Watched a couple episodes of Heroes, eh.

      Watched Mimic and Species enjoyed same.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        games of tedium is an easily avoidable show and well you should.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Mimic and Species, two more of the 90’s cheesetastic b-movies.

        I prefer Mimic to Species, which outside of the blonde, still feels like a bit of a missed opportunity.

        I remember the sequels being crap in regards to Species and Mimic.

    • Echo the Bunnyman says :

      I like Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, but I admit that a good bit of my affection is carrying over from the book, which was a classic. It feels mostly rushed, but I’m a few episodes ahead now and I can’t speak to what you’re seeing in regards to the arrogant superiority, but that was certainly an aspect of the characters in the books, without being true of the book itself.

      The glacial pace aspect is accurate, and the problem was the book took the time to linger over almost everything, but because it was very entertainingly written and full of descriptive detail, you actually enjoyed the slower pace because it allowed you to soak in the world. In the tv series, some of this just comes across as boring because those extra layers of value aren’t there.

      I do think it picks up though, and I feel they’ve done it about as much justice as they could have, staying so close to the source material.

      What have you been reading?

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        I’ve been reading the newest offering from Phillip Kerr’s Bernie Gunther series the Lady from Zagreb. If you’ve never read the Bernie Gunther series I highly recommended the series I’m going to do a review. eventually….

        Also read Learning to Eat Soup with a Knife: Counterinsurgency Lessons from Malaya and Vietnam and Knife Fights: A Memoir of Modern War in Theory and Practice both by Lt. Co.John Nagl (Ret)

        also read The Outbreak of the Peloponnesian War by Donald Kagan and
        The Sling and the Stone: On War in the 21st Century
        by Colonel Thomas X. Hammes USMC(Ret)

        There are a few others but I am drawing a blank at the moment.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        What i meant by arrogance is something that is endemic to all BBC productions. Its a pervasive undercurrent that winds through all their productions its just there. that’s why I prefer other British channels.

      • Jarv says :

        I kind of know what you’re saying with this. The Beeb tend to produce one BIG SHINY high budget period piece, and it oozes smugness. It doesn’t help that they insist on going back to the “classic” well for them.

        JS & MN is at least new. Unlike, say, Poldark.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Smugness that’s abetter word to use than arrogance. Let’s go with smug.

      • Jarv says :

        I generally loathe BBC costume dramas, but I am looking forward to this one. No idea how they’ll get around the big problem of it- no clear villain.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Are you talking about JS & MN?

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Typical BBC production well made, looks good, the writing and acting is up to snuff but its slow. They seemed to get The Duke of Wellington right which was good to see. I think my issue with it is that I’m not the target audience and man is it slooooooow.

      • Jarv says :

        The book is slow. So this may be a problem with the source material

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Never read it. Meant to but never got around to doing it.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s a really, really good book. I’m not normally big on magical realism, but it’s done really well here.

        And the noir-ish stuff mixed with gothic horror works a treat too.

        Just don’t film it. Please.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        So they’re in Detroit?

      • Jarv says :

        Hehe.

        I did wonder about that when I first read it

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Its fucking criminal what happen there. EVERYBODY had a hand in its death spiral.

      • Jarv says :

        What do you mean? The death of the U.S. Motor industry, or the city itself?

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        all of it it goes hand in hand.

      • Jarv says :

        It happened here in the 70’s. Disaster and EVERYONE has a hand in it.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        to achieve complete and utter failure like that everybody had have a hand in it.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Surrealistic books like this aren’t really my cup of tea either but I am going to get this one and read it.

      • Jarv says :

        It does work, and it’s not as odd as it sounds when summarizing. The book explicitly states that the freaks are from Limbo comic whatever.

      • Jarv says :

        Just reread the Resurrectionist.

        It’s funny, now I’m a father of a rambunctious little boy, I actually found it painful to read. This is because I knew what was coming at the end. Heartbreaking, in all honesty. And I “enjoyed” the real world stuff more than limbo.

        This has never happened to me before, and I rate the book even higher than I did earlier as a result

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Never read that what’s it about?

      • Jarv says :

        I’d summarise it but it’s really complicated, so here’s the review I did;

        https://moonwolves.wordpress.com/2010/08/18/jarvs-holiday-reading-part-3/

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        now I remember thanks.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        The newest Andrew Vachss book is also being read currently.

    • Echo the Bunnyman says :

      Game of Thrones was particularly dire this season. Although, it’s never really had a ‘good’ season. More like a collection of moments here or there. They even set themselves up to have ‘midget riding dragon’ and just literally left that opportunity in the dust.

  25. Continentalop says :

    Recent viewings:

    JAWS for the 100th time.

    THE PASSION OF JOAN OF ARC – Classic masterpiece.

    THE WOMEN – the original 1939 film. Damn good movie. Joan Crawford, Norma Shearer and Rosalind Russell showing their claws.

    RAPTURE-PALOOZA – So boring it isn’t even worth an OoD.

    Couple episodes of GoT and Orange is the New Black. I don’t mind GoT but that show is like the new definition/example for Middlebrow – lowbrow pleasures pretending to be highbrow art.

  26. Barfy says :

    It’s touching to see you guys take such joy in your kids and families. Happy Fathers Day gents.

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      Nice post Barfy.

    • Echo the Bunnyman says :

      Thanks Barfy! How have you been?

      • Barfy says :

        I’ve been good thanks. Looking forward to seeing Jaws on a big screen this Wednesday. Great way to start summer.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Just saw Jaws on the big screen. Phenomenal. Goes without saying, but nearly every facet of that movie is a rebuff to most of the current blockbuster filmmaking.

        What I really noticed this time is actually how well paced it is, despite having a structure that isn’t as pat as most current popcorn movies.

        Thank god, too, that the shark didn’t work properly.

        The Senator here in Baltimore has been doing a series of revivals, as has The Charles. Going to see Seventh Voyage of Sinbad this weekend and that crazy Tippi Hedren lion movie from the 80s, Roar.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I got to see Jaws on the big screen a few years ago. After having seen it so many times over the years on VHS and DVD it was great to finally see it at the cinema.

      • tombando says :

        Jaws is great watching it soon again.

        Saw the footage of the Charleston funeral with the Prezzy etc. Wow that is…something. My ex was black, looked like one of the shooting victims honestly. Hard to watch that whole thing unfold . I Really hope Hollywood leaves it the fuck alone.
        I

      • Barfy says :

        Hey Nate. Can’t forget to give thanks for Verna Fields’ editing.

        The revival idea is spreading. A theater here has Tuesday Night Classics. One showing, 5 bucks a pop, for an eclectic mix. Apocalypse Now, Trains, Panes & Automobiles, The Exorcist, etc. Never saw a lot of them on a big screen plus at home I’m easily distracted.

  27. Just Pillow Talk says :

    Weekend viewing…

    Since my back is all busted, I actually watched some flicks.

    Up in the Air – mostly men.

    A Good Year – I like this flick, soft spot for it.

    Deep Rising – compelled to watch when on.

    Gone Girl – Ending up pretty much hating it. Never read the book, but at the point the bamboozling occurs at the motel or whatever it was, it really hits the shitter.

    True Detective – Missed the first half hour, what I saw was okay.
    Ballers – first episode was okay, I will continue to watch, it’s just a half an hour anyways.

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      Ah, fucking phone. “Mostly men.”

      Meh fuckers meh.

    • Judge Droid says :

      Gone Girl is crap. The book is crap but mostly entertaining crap. A lot is lost in the movie version including an acceptable explanation of why Afflecks character makes the decision he does at the end. Also the scene with Doogie is badly executed by Fincher.

      • tombando says :

        Trifecta of the Rock, Independence Day and Armageddon. Good fun Mikey Bay explodathons. The Rock has a good cast: Womack yew peesha shitt-ah!! Good stuff. Plus the IMac taking out the Aliens is pure comedy gold. ID4 is just fun.

      • tombando says :

        Wow Saw the news on Darryl Hamilton. I watched him play for Mets etc nice player. Awful.

  28. Judge Droid says :

    True Detective 2 would be a lot better if it:

    a) wasn’t so obviously stealing from “inspired by” James Ellroy and particularly LA Confidential.
    b) didn’t force the actors into poorly written and ludicrously lengthy monologues. I felt bad for Vaughn trying to make the opening scene of ep 2 work. “Paper mache”. Christ.
    c) was only about Farrell and Vaughn. I don’t like the female character and Tim Riggins’ character is simultaneously underwritten, overly obvious and completely uninteresting.

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      With 33 I don’t think he has anything to do yet. since Bullseye might be on the shelf for a bit I think Riggins will step forward.

  29. Judge Droid says :

    Is Orphan Black worth watching? I watched the first episode and am 50/50 about continuing with it.

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      The first season of OB is excellent. The next 2 season suffer some from just to much mythos and plot lines to deal with. However I would recommend it especially since they hit the reset button at the end of season three(the current one) the chick that plays all the clones is nails in the role.

    • Jarv says :

      Yes definitively. Ghost in the lead is excellent.

      Soccer Mom FTW.

      Series 2 is less good.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Yeah Soccer mom is by far the most interesting clone. what they have her do in season 3 is pretty funny but it runs as its own story line with almost no crossover into the main arc of season 3. It’s like they don’t know what to do with her or how to fold the character into the main plot so they contrive ways to keep her around that feel a bit tacked on.

        They also introduce a new clone for a short try out that’s pretty funny, I think they will add her to the mix in season 4.

  30. Continentalop says :

    Recent viewing:

    BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES – Great

    A GIRL WALKS HOME ALONE AT NIGHT – if you like plot avoid, but I enjoyed it. Great visuals and mood/atmosphere.

    AN UNMARRIED WOMAN – Jill Clayburgh was a damn hot milf in the 70s. Good movie.

    FROM HERE TO ETERNITY – Classic.

    BLACK SUNDAY – the Maria Bava film. Interesting piece of film history but rather dated. Barbara Steele is hot though.

    A WALK AMONGST THE TOMB STONES – surprising solid detective noir. Not a masterpiece but entertaining.

    Couple episodes of Orange is the New Black season two as well.

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      OitNB wasn’t very good this season. Despite the media cock sucking and hero worship by herd following liberal fuckwits it was never that great to begin with. The most interesting stories this season all belong to Pennsatucky and black Cindy at the end few episodes. The best flashback with the most payoff were for the old oriental woman, Leanne and of course Pennsatucky.

      • Continentalop says :

        I’m only on season 2. I think it’s a good show, and like a lot of the characters and themes, but I do think it’s overrated. Like a lot of shows, it’s really just a soap opera – a well-made soap opera, but still a soap opera.

        In fact I’m under the opinion that if a show is an ensemble cast/multi-storyline series, it’s going to be overrated. GOT, WD, OITNB, Downton Abbey – pretty much all just soap operas with lots of hype. The Wire is like the only ensemble show that lives up to the hype around it.

      • Continentalop says :

        Well the Wire and the old TV series Soap…

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Soap that show was great.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        My mistake I thought you were on S3. S1-2 are much better. If they got rid of the blond stick who isn’t a good actress and horrible person(although they toned her down from the book in real life she was even worse human being) the show would be better.

        Agree completely about The Wire.

      • Continentalop says :

        I loved Soap. That final episode, which was nothing but cliffhangers, reminds me of the finale of Angel, “Not Fade Away.”

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Not Fade away might have been one of the best finale’s I’ve ever seen.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Man Angel got so damn good once they jettisoned all that Buffy garbage and Whedon wandered off to do firefly. Whedon’s true strength isn’t as a writer or director its finding good subordinates that are much more talented than he is.

      • Continentalop says :

        I actually liked the Buffy stuff on Angel. Of course, I thought the Buffy stuff on Angel was better on Angel than when it was on Buffy (the insane Slayer on season 5 of Angel was more interesting than anything that happened in season 7 of Buffy).

        And yeah, I agree about Whedon. He’s like Jim Shooter, a comic book writer and artist who wasn’t that great, but was hell of an editor-in-chief for Marvel (he gathered Frank Miller, Chris Claremont, Walt Simonson, Bob Layton, Roger Stern, John Byrne, etc. to write and draw for Marvel).

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        I thought it got much better when they told their own stories in their own way.

  31. Just Pillow Talk says :

    Just took the kids to see Inside Out. My 6 year stated during a couple times in the movie “this movie is making me cry”. They ended up liking it.

    All in all it was decent enough. I wasn’t crazy about the lava short though.

    • Echo the Bunnyman says :

      I liked Inside Out, although I think one of the reasons I enjoyed it as much as I did is because it’s far and away better than their recent string of stuff they’ve done since Up.

      I appreciated what they were going for; instead of a kids movie aimed only at ‘kid-friendly’ ideas, or a kids movie aimed to include adults, it felt like a movie designed to introduce kids to more adult concepts, but in a way that’s really aimed at them as opposed to ‘the whole family’.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Yeah, it wasn’t the usual mopey stuff, this was wrapped in better packaging.

  32. Xiphos0311 says :

    What I’ve watched lately. Nothing. Movies are all fucking garbage now and not worth the time to watch. Congratulation arrested development fuck wads you have manged to ruin everything.

    • tombando says :

      Saw Terminator Five. Umm don’t bother. It’s ok on a #3 level, but very unnecessary. You won’t buy the two leads and it so over reboots the timeline you just shake your head. Ahnold was ok.

  33. Just Pillow Talk says :

    Movies watched last night:

    Shakedown – I hadn’t seen this in a wicked (themed pun) long time. It held up reasonably well, except for the ridiculous ending with Mr. Elliot, but up until that point it was good.

    John Wick – I liked it, action was decent, gunkata type shoot outs.

  34. Toadkillerdog says :

    Hola folks, I wish all the ‘Muricans on here a happy Fourth. As for the British, just another reminder of what you have lost along with Transformer movies and L Ron Hubbard!

    Movies i saw – Jurassic World. Saw it with the D box seats, the whole family enjoyed it. Yes it had issues, but it was damn entertaining.

    The Equalizer – i liked it. A bit implausible that all those dead bodies could be heaped up in the Home Depot wannabe with no repercussions and that Denzel would still live in that apartment. But some good killin

    John Wick – It was ok. Started out great, but then it got a bit boring. Lots of similarities with the Equalizer.

    TMNT – well, it was not terrible

    • tombando says :

      Watched hmmm In Cold Blood with Hopper and Barretta, pretty great.

      Simon and Simon just because

      Conti Pops Best Yr of our lives is Classic. Really like it.

      Caught some of Brannigan-ok, Adams Family ’64 -fun, and of course 12 O’clock High. That’s one that never gets old.

  35. Judge Droid says :

    Recently watched…

    Maggie – I had my expectations built up by the good word and that hurt the movie for me. It was okay. Certainly one of the better Arnie movies since the 90’s but it never really took off. His was a good performance.

    Malice – Early 90’s thriller with Baldwin, Pullman and Our Nic. I thought I hadn’t seen it but I guess I have because I guessed every twist and turn. Or it was just really obvious. But still enjoyable.

    It Follows – Pretty good “having sex will kill you” horror movie. I got a bit tired of the director rotating the camera 360 degrees and the movie failed at fairly establishing “rules” so that hurt the effectiveness of the last act but overall it was a decent horror.

    Person of Interest – Essentially binge-watched this show over the past month. It’s pretty good in the first two seasons, where it’s a little too heavy on the procedural, case of the week type episode, but once the serialised story fully kicks in during season three it gets really good. The leads are likeable and the story is fairly unique.

    True Detective – Even if they were rubber bullets, wouldn’t taking a point blank shotgun blast to the guts seriously fuck you up? Vaughn had a good ep. Farrell is solid again. McAdams was okay. But poor Kitsch. His character is so poorly underwritten. Stare at guy. Look awkward. Stare at girl. Look awkward. We get it. He’s gay. We got it in the first ep when he had to take viagra. We don’t need to have it drummed in so clumsily in every single scene he’s in. It has to pay off in a significant way to excuse writing this terrible.

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      Yes at that close of range Bullseye would have received some major league concussive injuries. It was 100% Hollywood bullshit that he walked away with as little as he did. I’m not certain they aren’t going for a Mulholland Dr sort of thing were in Ray is dying and this is all happening in his head. Makes sense to me since that entire episode was a rip off of a David Lynch movie/TV show. Plus Pil however the fuck you spell his Italian name writer dude is a plagiarist so why not?

      With Riggins they can’t be this obvious can they with the whole queer thing? I mean there has got be some sort of Shamalamadingdong like twist coming up with him right? I was thinking him and his mother use to bang by the way she was acting with him.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Agreed about Kitsch, I imagine he is going to blow up by the end of the season. At least I hope there is some sort of payoff with him. That walking away with just cracked ribs was bullshit. Vaughn has been pretty damn good, he will revert back to complete mob boss by the end I think.

        McAdams is sort of just there, making idle threats to dudes it appears.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Vaughn has been pretty damn good, he will revert back to complete mob boss by the end I think.

        He’s the most interesting character so far. Aside from that terrible monologue about his childhood the character has been really good.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Vinnie V is the best character so far with Bullseye coming in a close second. The chick cop is sort of just there.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I’m not certain they aren’t going for a Mulholland Dr sort of thing

        I was thinking along those lines with the opening, but then it pretty much reverted back to normal so I ruled it out.

        With Riggins they can’t be this obvious can they with the whole queer thing? I mean there has got be some sort of Shamalamadingdong like twist coming up with him right? I was thinking him and his mother use to bang by the way she was acting with him.

        This again, I had the same thought. Maybe there is some sort of reason for it. The mother. The viagra. The leering on gay prostitutes. It’s got to add up to something interesting, right? But I’m not 100% confident this writer has anything that interesting up his sleeve.

      • Judge Droid says :

        This said, in many ways the shitty writing of Riggins’ character so far makes him the most interesting because he’s the least predictable.

        Probable character arcs.

        Vaughn – “Cornered animal” reference. He’s trying to go legit, but will (and has begun to) revert back to his criminal side.
        Farrell – Beat down corrupt cop who ultimately a decent guy. Looking for a bit of redemption etc.
        McAdams – Man-hating, self-righteous etc. She’ll see the humanity in Farrell blah blah.
        Kitsch – Closet homosexual. I don’t really know where this character is going. But it had better be worth it.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Mulholland Dr played it sort of real most of the flick. So they could go that direction maybe, but who knows? Still pissed about that shotgun douchery it nearly ruined a pretty good episode.

        Agree about 33 being so underwritten that he becomes in essence a tabula rasa, and can potentially become anything we want.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I was also thinking something along those lines, but as you said, part of it is because of the blatant David Lynch references, including that weird blue-light Conway Twitty bit at the opening. In fact, when they first showed Fred Ward’s face in a distorted close-up, I thought they had really gone off the deep end and brought Lynch in himself.

        If something like that is happening, it wouldn’t be too far afield. It would have already been foreshadowed in the last episode where Vince makes that comment about feeling like maybe he’s still down in the basement. Also, lots of shots that potentially have double-meaning, like his staring at the chest x-rays when the doc is asking him if he wants to live.

        I suspect ultimately though, that it’s going to be all a bit more banal than that. Hope not though. Also, I’d expect more has to be up with Kitsch than just gay. We’ve already heard Vaughn lament his childhood, and McAdams has that cult background which obviously went some way to messing her up, and John Carter’s mom does seem pretty hot-to-trot on son.

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      I’m thinking Kitsch ends up taking out Vaughn after snapping.

      • tombando says :

        John Riggins in a remake of Mulholland Falls?! I know that can’t be right.

        So the Darwin Awards Winner was from my home state of Maine, setting off fireworks on top of his head….Sparky there wad from Calais, meth lab capital of the state. So this was no great surprise.

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        Tom, he has competition from some dude in Houston who was told repeatedly not to swim in a marina because of a large gator. Even ignored posted sign about the gator.
        his last words before jumping in were and i quote” Fuck that gator”.
        A few seconds after jumping in, and 11 foot gator attacked him and ate those words.
        Yup, dude died like he lived. Stupidly. Then again, putting a mortar on your head and lighting it aint exactly the mensa material

  36. Jarv says :

    Thoughts.

    Recent viewings:

    Fury Road.

    Shit. It’s the worst type of pointless John Wayne Movie. Character hooks up with other characters. Then takes the most difficult route to get from A-B. Reaches destination, then turns round and takes the most difficult route back.

    The whole fucking film is an exercise in total pointlessness, and Hardy was crap in it. But it’s not as bad as Snowpiercer.

    Anyhoo, The Ashes are back.

    Australia are massively overrated. We’re turd, but it was nice to see Mitch return to his usual turdy form with a whopping 0-87. Australia will win this overall, but I’m less than impressed with them so far. Starc is a one day bowler, Hazlewood looks good, Lyon is a club bowler (at best), and Johnson is shit outside of Australia.

    Admittedly it was a dead pitch, but really 0-87? Fuck.

    Unlucky with the Harris retirement. I expect to see either Starc or Johnson dropped and Sids bought back to hold an end up properly as none of the rest of them can do it. Far too much in the way of cannon fodder bowling.

    • Judge Droid says :

      The pitch is utter shit. Slow, no bounce and no movement. It’s a designed pitch to not just nullify the strengths of the Aussie bowlers, which is expected of the English, but more pathetically it’s designed specifically to ensure 5 days of cricket revenue.

      I can only comment on the first 2 sessions but Mitch didn’t bowl that badly. Considering the state of the pitch and the fact that any ill-timed mis-hit that makes it past the circle will travel the necessary 3 metres to the boundary rope, his figures are understandable. What was obvious is that Mitch and the Aussies know how to get Ballance out, but the pitch wouldn’t allow it. You can’t bowl at a batmans ribcage if you can’t get the ball above waist high. Ballance BTW is shit. I welcome him to come down for the next Ashes series.

      For me, Starc was the worst of the bowlers. He was all over the place. Haddin looks every day of his 37 years. A few years ago he wouldn’t have dropped that. Well batted to Root but once again he was lucky.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s not how you get Ballance out.

      • Judge Droid says :

        You bowl at the enormous blind spot called his rib cage to push him back then bowl a full delivery. That’s how you get him out.

      • Jarv says :

        You don’t need to bowl short to him. Just pitch it up- he doesn’t move his feet at all.

        Was painfully obvious against the KIwis.

        Personally, I think he’s shit too, but I think we’re shit in general aside from Root at the moment.

        That wasn’t a prepared pitch. That was a Cardiff pitch. Every single fucking match at Cardiff is like that, because it’s a terrible, lousy ground in Wales that’s always been a big fucking sponge. It’s actually why Cardiff shouldn’t have a test match.

        We should play at the traditional venues: Trent Bridge, Lords, Headingly, Old Trafford, The Oval and Edgbasten.

        All of them have different characteristics, and aside from the two London grounds, all of them are low bouncing, fast, swinging pitches.

        It’s the nature of the grounds in this country.

        Instead, for some fucking reason (allegedly to “spread” the game) we keep playing at useless puddings like The Rose Bowl and Sophia Gardens which have generations of county chairmen desperate to squeeze as much revenue out of them as possible and have less life in them than a fucking sponge.

        Lords and the Oval are fucking disastrously boring pitches nowadays- Lords needs relaying every 7 years and wasn’t done because of the stupid olympics, so is well overdue and as such that’ll be a shit pitch too, and the Oval has always been a spinners pitch- in part because it’s always last so has baked all summer.

        Mitch is shit in this country. Fuck knows why, but he is- if I had to guess, it’s because he’s thick and can’t work out the conditions. Starc was shit too, but at least he produces wicket taking balls in between the filth.

        We’ll probably lose here, because we won’t take 20 wickets on this pitch- we never have. Anderson is shot, Broad is shot, Wood is new and has a bit of potential, Stokes is garbage as a bowler, and Ali is garbage as a spinner. I would bet on a draw though as it’ll rain.

        The next is Lords, which I think the Aussies will win, if the weather holds. Then I think we’ll win Trent Bridge, and lose at one of the other 2 with the other one being drawn due to weather.

        And we’ll be lucky to have, because we;re terrible with out of form batsmen and the wrong bowlers picked.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s a designed pitch to not just nullify the strengths of the Aussie bowlers, which is expected of the English

        Incidentally, where do you get this bollocks from? We have never produced hard bouncy pitches because the climate won’t do it. It’s as daft a statement as us complaining when the crims don’t produce a swinging, seaming wet wicket to nullify our strengths.

        It’s why we don’t produce hit the deck bowlers like Mitch or Morkel etc very often. Almost all English bowlers are medium-fast swing. For a reason.

        The revenue thing is more recent, and sadly true and indefensible. You can really see it somewhere like Cardiff, which has never been a test venue so has always been a fucking sponge to produce a “full” county game. They aren’t going to be able to undo the climate and conditions and 50 years of producing sponges in the 2 weeks before a test. And it’s why they shouldn’t get a test.

      • Judge Droid says :

        hehe Touchy subject? Now I realise you can’t produce the same type of pitches that we do (or should do) in Australia, but what you can produce are pitches more conducive to true bounce and seam than you are. Case in point, the evening before the test the Cardiff groundsman had his lackeys out on the pitch scrubbing the grass off BY HAND. That coupled with the damp weather just means that the pitch will be pudding from day one. The pitch was terrible yesterday. I hate to think what it will be like on Day 5.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Now, to concede somewhat. The revenue thing isn’t just you. The pitches in the last Ashes series here were terrible by Australian standards. The Gabba and the MCG in particular (Adelaide is always pretty flat) were sub-par, flat and lifeless compared to what they usually are. I can only assume it’s also because they had one eye on the potential revenue 5 full days of cricket brings in.

      • Judge Droid says :

        And as for the current test, if the Poms bat until/past lunch and the Aussies make around the same first innings score, then this test will be drawn.

      • Jarv says :

        We’ll be out by 11.30.

        Aussies score 600+

        Weather is due to be good so no swing. We don’t have the players to bowl you out on this surface (or any not called Trent Bridge).

      • Jarv says :

        It’s a global disaster. But at least you stick to traditional venues that haven’t had a 90 year reputation for being puddings at state level.

        First test should always be Trent bridge. Second lords, third headingly, fourth OT, last the oval. Swap headingly/ OT for edgbasten as necessary.

        All proper England pitches- bar the oval. Filthy swinging greentops.

        And stop being tight and relay lords. It’s getting beyond a joke now

      • Jarv says :

        Incidentally, I’d drop Mitch for Sids. Ugly bastard is 10 times the bowler Mitch is in England, and can hold an end down allowing Clarke to rotate the other 2- and it won’t matter if starc is wayward because he’ll take wickets.

      • Jarv says :

        Thought that was out to begin with. Broad really does seem to exist to annoy Australians

      • Judge Droid says :

        The size of this ground is a joke. Totally misrepresents the figures. Mitch has had a lot of shots off the edge through slips for 4 for example.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Which isn’t an unusual occurrence but what I mean is that every shot no matter how shit that gets passed the fielder is instantly over the rope.

      • Jarv says :

        Not true- it’s only short on the straight. I’m going to check his wagon wheel but he was being driven a lot through cover.

        Anyway, I wouldn’t have a test here.

      • Jarv says :

        0-101

        Yup. Misrep.

        *slow hand clap for mitch*

      • Judge Droid says :

        If you watched any of it yday then you’ll know what I mean. But you cling to your stats. *slow clap for jarv*

      • Jarv says :

        Come off it. On any level that’s shit. If Anderson bowled that then you’d be jeering at him and I’d be furious.

        He couldn’t hold a line, couldn’t hold a length and bowled a whole load of horrible crap.

        And he’s bowling at Broad at the moment who admits to being scared of fast bowling. It’s embarrassingly bad.

      • Judge Droid says :

        What I haven’t seen any of from Starc or Johnson are full pitched deliveries on the toes. Not one. Watson bowled 1 that was okay but he’s so slow it not exactly threatening. Considering how much if a weapon it was for Starc especially I’m shocked they haven’t gone for some.

      • Jarv says :

        Starc tried but couldn’t hit his length and kept putting in half volleys. Johnson hasn’t tried.

        Problem is if you’re a bit off its getting smacked.

      • Jarv says :

        The two mitches have economy rates of 4.4 and 4.5. That’s not all edges through third man and Chinese cuts through fine leg. That’s bad bowling at a terrible ground.

        The ground is shit but they’ve not helped themselves.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I’m not saying they’ve bowled well. What I’m saying is that their figures are slightly distorted by the shit ground.

      • Jarv says :

        Slightly, at most.

        I fully expect England to produce worse figures by the way. Broad and his stupid slow bouncer crap when you HAVE to pitch it up on this will drive me mad.

        He’s just got out to Lyon. Like a twat.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Isn’t this Ali cunt a top order batsman? Why’s he at 8? To give you a tail?

      • Judge Droid says :

        Speaking of cunts, Starc is bowling like one.

      • Jarv says :

        You’re badly missing Harris. Or fugly.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Harris definitely. If Sids you’d be at least 50 runs less than you are now.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s what I was thinking. Too much shit has been bowled.

        Whatever happened to cummins and Patterson? Broken?

      • Judge Droid says :

        Cummins is now in the squad replacing Harris. But he’s only played 1 test. So he’s a gamble. That said it couldn’t be worse.

      • Jarv says :

        Genuinely don’t think you can play both mitches. Too expensive.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Don’t think you can give this out.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Fuck sake Starc.

      • Jarv says :

        Wow.

        At least he got Ali. This is like the 5 broad took at lords- terrible but got lots of wickets.

      • Jarv says :

        I’d give it. Or declare. These 2 are just going to eat time

      • Judge Droid says :

        Declare? England? Ha! Good one.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Seriously Starc. Bowl that shit normally. On the fucking stumps.

      • Jarv says :

        I can dream.

        Wasted review there. Can’t be desperate to get these two idiots, surely

      • Judge Droid says :

        Hazlewood hard done by. The only bowler who looked good. Lyon did his thing. But the Mitch’s were shit.

      • Jarv says :

        There it is. That’s how you get a tail ender. Not the shit they served up before.

      • Jarv says :

        Almost identical to last ashes in Cardiff so far. England were practically 300 behind on the first innings.

      • Jarv says :

        Brilliant start, Jimmy. Fuckssakes

      • Judge Droid says :

        Think Warner needs a good series here. He’s been decent but not exceptional.

      • Jarv says :

        Think your weak link is Watson TBH. And Haddin

      • Jarv says :

        Christ. This is some shitty bowling

      • Jarv says :

        Don’t let broad review. Ever.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I was thinking the same thing.

      • Jarv says :

        Question is how long is cook going to persist with these 2 bowling crap

      • Jarv says :

        Remarkably slow from Warner so far. He’ll lose patience.

      • Judge Droid says :

        He’s a changed man donchaknow.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s daft. Rogers is the blocker, isn’t he?

      • Jarv says :

        Could have done with a wicket before lunch, but nota bad session

      • Judge Droid says :

        Could’ve done with Warner belting 50 before lunch but I’ll take it.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s a funny one- it’s totally acceptable for both teams without being particularly good.

        Suppose the overwhelming thought for both captains is “could’ve been worse”

      • Judge Droid says :

        At the start if you’d offer Cook this situation he’d have gobbled it up. Clarke won’t be as happy but considering the bowling effort he’s got nothing to complain about.

      • Jarv says :

        At 40-3 definitely. At 343-7 definitely. But batting first? Not so sure. Think he’ll have wanted 450+

      • Jarv says :

        Considering the dismal position England were in, I think he’ll be thinking could’ve been worse.

        Same with Clarke- considering the slop Australia served up since lunch yesterday “could’ve been worse”

      • Judge Droid says :

        That was a terrible decision. Shouldn’t have even needed a review.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s what they’re for.

        He’s gone anyway. Crap innings.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Karma. Take a good catch get hit in the nuts.

      • Jarv says :

        Got no chance of getting either of these two bowling this shit

      • Jarv says :

        Pretty crap batting from Australia. Rogers excepted. Gifting wickets.

        I assume anyway. Was in meeting all afternoon

      • Judge Droid says :

        The wickets I saw:
        Warner – Crap shot
        Rodgers – Crap shot but looked very shaky once he got into the 90’s so it wasn’t unexpected. Played almost flawlessly up until the 90’s then fell apart.
        Smith – Crap shot. Got himself into a ridiculous mess falling across to the off side while still trying to play a ball going down leg.

        Haven’t seen the other two but yes, the Aussies have been crap. But at least we’ve still got Watto!

      • Jarv says :

        Warner you can almost forgive. He’s expected to play out,

        Rogers got a score and generally played well.

        Smith was a hideous effort.

        Clarke was too.

        Voges was a rotten innings with a rotten end at a rotten time.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Question is how long Cook is going to appeal at every single delivery no matter how obviously wide and loose the delivery.

      • Jarv says :

        Indefinitely.

        Think they’re trying to bore Warner out.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Thankyou Captain Obvious. I have no idea how Watson is still in the team. But I was just talking generally Warner needs a good series.

      • Jarv says :

        Don’t get me started on that. He’s in as our spinner. Apparently.

      • Jarv says :

        To answer your question: yes. He bats 3 for his county.

        To answer your other question: because the last coach was a cunt and won’t pick Rashid or drop Shermi.

      • Jarv says :

        England are scoring at 6.2 this morning. With a ball 8 overs old and the tail exposed. Simply horrible from Australia.

        Still. Aussies score 600+ lead of 160+. England collapse and lose. No Monty to provide last ditch heroics this time

      • Judge Droid says :

        There was a lot of that shit as well. French cuts going for 4. Starc really hasn’t bowled very well.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s because Wales is backwards and Cardiff shouldn’t be a venue.

        Point is- Mitch has a shit record in England because he’s a moron that can’t work out to pitch it up. As is Broad, recently.

        Aussie bowling bar hazlewood was crap yesterday- far too much shitty 4 balls put in. This is a crap England top order and to let them go from 40-3 to 190-3 with a batsman made to look a complete cunt by the kiwis isn’t the pitch. It’s shit bowling.

        0-87 ffs

      • Jarv says :

        If he was scrubbing it btw that means he was trying to even the bounce out. Inconsistent bounce is, or should be, worse for the batsmen than the bowlers. Pitch has fuck all to do with half volleys outside off stump

  37. Just Pillow Talk says :

    Recent viewings….

    Neighbors – didn’t hate it, even if at times I want to punch Rogan in his fat head.

    Behind Enemy Lines, Fast 6, some episodes of Strike Back which is entertaining.

  38. Xiphos0311 says :

    Haven’t seen the other two but yes, the Aussies have been crap. But at least we’ve still got Watto!

    Watto? isn’t that Annikan Skywalkers slave master from the first prequel? A character so anti-Semitic it would make Joseph Goebbels blush, that one?

    • Judge Droid says :

      Yes, that’s him.

      • Jarv says :

        No it isn’t. Unlike the Star Wars disaster most of the world finds twatto funny

      • Judge Droid says :

        most of the world finds twatto funny

        Everywhere but Australia where he’s about as funny as cancer.

      • Jarv says :

        He’ll score a ton today now I’ve said that. Guaranteeing him a place in the side until he retires.

      • Judge Droid says :

        This is my greatest fear. Even losing the test is second to the fear that Watto won’t just piss off once and for all.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s a cunning plan. It’ll rain all Sunday, so it’ll be drawn and therefore the long term plan is to keep him in the side

      • Judge Droid says :

        Is the forecast for rain?

      • Jarv says :

        5th day, yes.

      • Jarv says :

        And it’s Wales, so rain is to be expected.

      • Jarv says :

        Twatto really is a total moron. If I were him unless I would not waste reviews on lbw. He’s such a candidate for it.

      • Jarv says :

        Well. This is exciting from Australia. 4 overs. 1 run. 1 wicket.

      • Jarv says :

        Bye bye Lyon.

        Need to get Mitch before he gets going. Don’t let him get his morale up.

      • Jarv says :

        Why did they send in a night watchman? I can understand it to protect 3 or 4, but 7?

      • Jarv says :

        Stokes, you moron.

      • Jarv says :

        Well I never. Could be a big lead here.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Bowling better than we did and we’re playing loose stupid shots to boot. Deserve a first innings lead it pains me to say.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Mitch pretty much sums it up.

      • Judge Droid says :

        C’mon Hazlewood. Score a 50. Jesus.

      • Jarv says :

        All out 308. 122 lead. Never thought we’d get that.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Nice catch Root but fucking hell I want to punch him in the face. He’s a more hateful little cunt than Cook. Has there ever been a more hateful Captain/Vice-Captain combo in world cricket?

      • Jarv says :

        Why do you say that? I hate cook, but like Root. Plays with a smile on his face, doesn’t snarl like a twat.

      • Judge Droid says :

        He’s a smart arsed little cunt. And a liar. As much as I don’t really like Warner, I believe his version of that Walkabout story over Roots.

      • Jarv says :

        I don’t. Warner was hammered, is a noted moron and has a temper problem.

      • Jarv says :

        Based on what, anyway. All he does is smile. And laugh at cook for taking one to the love spuds. Which I challenge anyone other than mrs cook to not find funny

      • Judge Droid says :

        One example. The first thing he did when he caught Starc out at slip is imitate Starc doing the “ssshhh” thing he did when he got Stokes out.

      • Jarv says :

        Really? So it was alright for Starc to do it to Stokes, then?

        Come off it. This is the ashes. If that’s as bad as the sledging gets- and you’ve got Haddin in the side so it won’t be- then big deal

      • Jarv says :

        England have some dickhead fans. There’s already calls for lyth to be dropped despite a ton in his last and second test. Fucking cunts.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I don’t care about sledging. Quite the opposite in fact. I think we’ve been weakened by the lack of agro on the pitch as silly as it may sound. It’s the fact that when Root does it, it’s premeditated and charmless. He’s a fuckwit little instigator hiding behind a perpetual pasted on grin. It’s not “cheeky” or fun. It’s just a little shithead being a cunt.

      • Jarv says :

        As opposed to “Charming” remarks like the break your fucking arm thing.

        I don’t give a stuff about sledging, either, but I’d like a bit of wit to it.

        Starcs was shit and Roots was shit too. But I think you’re reaching with this one. He’s one of the least cuntish players around.

      • Judge Droid says :

        No. You’re blinded by the boyish grin and the batting average. You’ll come around.

      • Jarv says :

        Doubtful. You’re more likely to admit McGrath was a cunt before that.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Jesus. Are you really comparing McGrath to Root? Root has a bit of a way to go to even shine McGrath’s boots.

        Anyway, McGrath was a cunt. But he was so fucking good I don’t care. And he was a cunt because he could be. When Root does something like this he can imitate anyone he likes…

      • Jarv says :

        No, of course not. It was just the first Aussie that leapt to mind when I thought of cunts. Haydn was second

      • Judge Droid says :

        Root isn’t good enough (yet) to shine Hayden’s boots either. Yes Hayden’s a massive cunt (probably one of the biggest I can think of!) but Root’s got to earn it.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Speaking of cunts. Goodbye Cook.

      • Jarv says :

        Silly cunt. What sort of shot was that?

      • Jarv says :

        Lyth aside, our top order really is shit.

      • Jarv says :

        You’ve changed your tune.

        Anyway both of those two had plenty of documented acts of cuntishness. You just think Root looks dodgy because of his boyish features. Not the same.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Not really.

        Roots a cunt because his “boyish features” allows him to get away with the kind of shit that most others would be criticised for. I guess I’m alone in not being sucked in.

      • Jarv says :

        Think you are alone with your delusion.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck I’m bored.

      • Jarv says :

        Lyth needs a cheeky single here to protect Ballance. Treat him like a number 11- Starc bowls it full and on the stumps and he’s out.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Possibly it’s because he’s the batsman I know little about, but I’d be fine with Lyth getting some runs.

      • Jarv says :

        He’s potentially really good. Nice bloke, worked hard to get his chance then dicked over by Moores and Cook in the Windies with the Trott opening nonsense.

        Had 2 tests- shaky first one, hit a good ton in the second before Ballance ran him out, and journalists and fans are falling over themselves to say he’s not good enough.

        After 5 innings against 2 of the worlds best bowling attacks in shitty batting conditions.

        We deserve to be shit a lot of the time.

        I think he’ll be better now Cook’s out. Got a theory that Cook makes his opening partner worse because of the way he plays

      • Judge Droid says :

        I couldn’t understand why you’d bring back a mentally shattered number 3, and bat him out of position instead of blooding a new potential opener against weak opposition.

      • Jarv says :

        Because Cook wanted him in the team, and he’d “served his time”. It was total bullshit. See also the protection bell is getting and what they did to Rashid.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Looked down leg.

      • Judge Droid says :

        So much depends on the umpires decision. The Watto one for example. Umpires Decision can be frustrating.

      • Jarv says :

        I don’t mind it because it’s meant to be to eliminate shitty decisions.

        What I don’t get is how can where the ball pitched and where it hit the batsman be umpire’s call. They’ve already got the fucking pictures.

      • Judge Droid says :

        God Ballance is shit. How the fuck has he got to the avg he has?

      • Jarv says :

        Beat the shit out of the Indians. See, told you you don’t need to pitch it short to get him.

        That was funny, in a way- Lyth treating him like a tail ender and he useless fucker couldn’t survive one ball.

      • Jarv says :

        Ah, stand corrected. He’s getting out to short stuff now as well. Fuckssakes. Useless bastard.

      • Jarv says :

        Now Lyth has to protect Bell too. Poor fucker.

      • Jarv says :

        This isn’t going to work. He’s better being aggressive. If he tries to dig in he’ll get out.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Starc is bowling well but he’s hobling. Mitch needs to step up.

      • Jarv says :

        That could be almost a blessing in the long run. SIDS in for Starc will give control and he’s decent in English conditions.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Sids in for Johnson you say? Good call.

      • Jarv says :

        Either Mitch. Can’t play both. If Starcs fit then Johnson gets dropped

      • Jarv says :

        Attaboy, Adam. Now make the most of it.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Shame for Lyth. Brilliant from Clarke.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuckers. He was looking good as well. Weathered the early storm and was cashing in.

        Never mind.

      • Jarv says :

        I don’t think I’ve ever seen a match with so many batsmen getting out once set for 25-40 odd.

        Fucking weird. Still that was a beast of a catch.

      • Jarv says :

        Lot on Shermi here. Root, Ali and stokes won’t score big.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuckssakes. He’s gone back into his shell

      • Jarv says :

        Mitch now 0-150 for the match.

      • Judge Droid says :

        He has 1 now. Good ball but unless theres an enormous collapse it’s game over.

      • Jarv says :

        Don’t underestimate England’s potential for fuckuperry

      • Jarv says :

        I’ll be surprised if stokes and Ali contribute more than 40 between them. Buttler, however, could be very dangerous.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I’m stunned at Englands ability to play and miss every second ball. We’d have nicked 10 of them through to the keeper or slips by now.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m surprised how few Starc and Johnson have bowled at the stumps as well. It seems to have been leave- big stupid shot outside off and miss- leave- four- leave- big stupid waft

        Bizarre considering they’re taking wickets when on the stumps.

      • Judge Droid says :

        What the fuck are we doing? We’re not appealing properly! Take a note from the Poms. Appeal for EVERYTHING! You’ll end up getting the decisions.

      • Jarv says :

        You’re also appealing (and reviewing) the wrong things. That last over was a case in point.

      • Jarv says :

        This is exactly how to get stokes. Keep it tight and he’ll lose patience.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuckssakes, jos. That was awful.

      • Jarv says :

        Iron Gloves just dropped Moeen

      • Jarv says :

        Stokes gone. 350ish lead. Gettable.

      • Jarv says :

        Epic collapse.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck me. Warner’s played and missed every ball so far. Root dropped Rogers too. We’ll regret that.

      • Jarv says :

        Warner is having an absolute mare here.

        I like punter on commentary. Surprisingly good.

      • Judge Droid says :

        All of Smith’s centuries have come in the first innings. That obviously needs to change here if we are to stand a chance.

        Punters not horrible, which is shocking really.

      • Jarv says :

        We’ve bowled like shit since broad went off.

      • Jarv says :

        Warner gone.

      • Jarv says :

        Smith gone. Now, if we get Clarke quickly its on

      • Jarv says :

        Got him. Terrible, terrible shot

      • Jarv says :

        This is in danger of turning into a rout.

      • Jarv says :

        Yup. 6 down for fuck all.

      • Jarv says :

        Watson LBW. Reviewed it, for a change.

        Idiot.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Goodbye forever Watto. Don’t let the door etc etc

        This performance has been weak as piss and a number of Aussies look done. Haddin in particular. Dropped the game changing wicket then batted like shit twice.

      • Jarv says :

        Watson, Haddin and Mitch as a bowler in England look done. Voges looks a mistake, and the balance of the bowling attack looks all wrong.

      • Jarv says :

        On our side- ballance and bell are a worry.

      • Jarv says :

        Both mitches out. To Root. Just to annoy droid.

      • Jarv says :

        All out. England win by 169. Thrashing in the end. I did not see this coming at all.

        Either the Aussies are overrated or were not as shit as suspected. Probably a bit of both.

      • Jarv says :

        This now has an air of England’s last tour to Australia to it-

        Aging side turn up overconfident of victory.
        Number of players injured/ miles out of form.
        Hungrier opposition catch them by surprise
        Reliant on one or two key batsmen, both of whom didn’t perform
        Panic sets in after the first test, and a number of changes are made.

        I don’t think it’s as bad, to be honest, but there are a number of serious issues for the Aussies before Lords.

        Oh, and it’s tipping it down today- due to rain tomorrow and Wednesday too. Expect a low pitch with a lot of swing for Thursday.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Bit early to say that but yes, it could go very well go that way if things don’t improve dramatically.

      • Jarv says :

        Agree entirely. It wasn’t the loss but the fashion of it that was so surprising. Can’t think of an Aussie side look so lackluster. I’m sure they’ll improve.

      • Jarv says :

        To be fair to me, I did say I didn’t expect it to be as bad.

      • Judge Droid says :

        The body language of the Aussies is terrible. No real evidence of any fight. Even when Johnson was batting easily he still had a beaten look and demeanor.

      • Jarv says :

        It was in the field that caught me by surprise. They were taking wickets, but looked so defeated. England were having a merry splosh, but they didn’t look like getting away.

        Never seen the likes from an Aussie team- even last time at Lords when they were spanked out of sight they had more fight to them.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Need to officially get rid of Watson once and for all. Would go a long way to improving things.

      • Jarv says :

        I think Watson, Haddin and Voges should be automatically dropped.

        I can also see a nightmare coming at Lords: Starc, Hazlewood and Lyon have never bowled there and the slope can do horrible things if you don’t know how to use it. See Mitch going for over 6 an over and averaging over 70 there.

        If Starc’s fit, I’d drop Mitch and call up Sids post fucking haste. Need some control and someone who knows how to use the slope.

        If Starc isn’t fit, then it’s a swap for Sids with Mitch on warning.

        I also think Smith is too high in the order. It’s fine if Warner comes off and Rogers sees the shine off the ball, but he could be exposed to early too often.

      • Jarv says :

        Twatto dropped. Bah.

        It’s fucking tipping it down. Expect low swinging pitch tomorrow

      • Judge Droid says :

        Twatto dropped. Bah.

        About fucking time.

        It’s fucking tipping it down.

        In other words… English Summer.

        Expect low swinging pitch tomorrow

        In other words… an English pitch.

      • Jarv says :

        It was decent and relatively quick earlier in the summer v the kiwis, and ludicrous last year v the Indians, but both of those matches were during dry spells.

        Been reading about the change in our pitches in the last 10 years. Apparently, they’ve fitted undersoil drainage to a lot of them to minimise the time lost to rain (good idea). However, as a consequence, they now dry out too fast and have become nightmarish to find a balance.

        Couple that with Lords badly needing relaying and shite weather and I’ve a definite feeling there’s a draw on the cards.

      • Jarv says :

        Haddin and Twatto gone.

        Disappointment abounds. Might have to work a bit harder to get those 2 wickets. Starc’s fit.

        In this case, I’d drop Mitch. He’s got a horrible record in England generally, but Lords in particular.

        I’d go with

        Rogers,
        Warner
        Smith
        Clarke
        Voges
        Marsh
        Neville
        Starc
        Sids
        Hazlewood
        Lyon.

        I expect Rogers and Voges to be fine. Both have extensive experience of Lords, which is a unique ground. Clarke and Smith should also be fine. Warner could struggle, if he misreads the slope.

        On the bowling front, Starc, Hazlewood and Lyon have never bowled at Lords, and Mitch has a horrible record there. If they go with these 4 it’s asking for trouble as if they don’t adjust to the slope they’ll be all over the place like Mitch was last time at Lords.

        England will be unchanged, but I really, really, really want Ballance dropped with Root in at 3. Everyone else moves up a place and Rashid comes in at 8. Immeasurably improves the batting and gives us a very nice extra spin option.

        Won’t happen though.

      • Jarv says :

        That is a remarkably weak batting line up, now I look at it. Clarke is out of nick, I’m unconvinced that Voges has it in him to be more than a county pro, Marsh has a first class average of 32, and Warner is a shit or bust type of player.

        Lot on Smith and Rogers, and I think Smith is going to have problems for the rest of the summer here, based on how they bowled to him in Cardiff. They’re going to block his scoring through the leg side and stick the ball miles outside off, so even when he shuffles across he won’t be able to score. Bowling looks good though. Practically any Aussie combination you can name is more than capable of taking 20 wickets.

      • Jarv says :

        Shitsticks.

        Moeen injured, apparently. Unable to bowl, but can bat.

        If that’s the case, I’d drop either Ballance or Shermi, and bring in Adil.

      • Jarv says :

        This is a good example actually. On first view it looked down leg, as you say, but the tracker had it clipping. I’d be pissed off to get out to that.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Thought Cook was an amazing captain/batsman again now after the past 6 months?

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck no. He’s a shite captain and a worked out one trick pony batsman.

        Unless you’re a British journalist then he’s fantastic in every way.

      • Jarv says :

        And a moaning petulant cunt to boot.

      • Judge Droid says :

        It’s funny how protected he is by the British media. The difference between him and Clarke over here is ridiculous. Only now is Clarke getting articles about how he’s become “likeable” or the public is getting behind him. Never mind that he carried a godawful team for 12 months a few years ago, or the fact that he’s lead the side back to the top 1 or 2 of the world rankings.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s infuriating.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Nah. Time will vindicate me on this one. All great visionaries are eventually recognised.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I never said anything the Aussies do is “charming”. Just commenting on one specific player who seems to be bullet proof.

      • Jarv says :

        He’s not. There’s been plenty of knives out for him. That’s because our press are wankers.

        Hope Lyth gets a good score here to shut them up. They’re willing him to fail because of loyalty to Moores and the Trott thing.

      • Jarv says :

        He’s a good bowler, Hazlewood.

      • Jarv says :

        Apparently Roots brother is better. Making his way through the ranks now.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Roots the kind of little cunt that uses his punchable innocent little face to get out of blame for things like that. Warners simply the kind of stupid dickhead to get sucked in to Roots shit.

      • Jarv says :

        Alternatively, Warner is a drunk bogan cretin who decided to play the hard man and then made up some honk about Amla and racism (you honestly believe that?) to try to get out of trouble.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I think the drunk bogan Warner THOUGHT that was what was happening. What I do believe is that Root was acting like a cunt and deserved to be punched.

      • Jarv says :

        Based on nothing, you blame Root for Warner’s idiocy?

      • Judge Droid says :

        Based on observation and recognition of what Root actually is, and not being sucked in like the English obviously are.

      • Jarv says :

        Moving on, because this isn’t going anywhere- top over Mitch. If you let Cook, of all players, take 8 off you then you need a word with yourself.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Who was vice-captain when Smith was captain of the Saffas? That’s got to be the only rival.

      • Jarv says :

        I think Boucher and Gibbs have both done it.

      • Jarv says :

        To answer your question though:

        Clarke+Haddin
        Cook+Prior
        dhoni+ kholi
        Graeme Smith+ anyone

      • Judge Droid says :

        Bearing in mind that I’m biased. Cook and Prior are contenders. I don’t hate Dhoni, but yes Kholi is a huge cunt. Smith and anyone, sure.

      • Jarv says :

        It says something about how big a pair of cunts cook and prior are that I’m biased and I’d still pick them.

      • Jarv says :

        Dhoni is a total cunt. Up to his nuts in bcci corruption, and the whole bowling himself shit got right in my nerves.

  39. Judge Droid says :

    Omar Sharif died. The obvious one is Lawrence of Arabia, but I must also mention Top Secret. “What phony dog poo?”

  40. Barfy says :

    The observance of July 10th is upon us again.
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY XIPHOS!!!
    xoxo

    • Jarv says :

      Crikey!

      Given how curmudgeonly he is…

      Happy 80th Xiphos.

      NOW GET OFF MY LAWN!

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Hold on, I’m a curmudgeon? This coming from the man with approximately 50,000 post lamenting and criticizing the Cricket?

        Well thank you anyways.

      • Jarv says :

        Hehe.

        It’s the pain of following England. Like pillows and the jets, but much more enduring.

        To cheer you up as a birthday present and whatnot, I’ll review fury road tomorrow.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Fury Road review is two words “It’s shit”

      • Jarv says :

        Was thinking 4 more: but better than Snowpiercer

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        or 3 words: complete shit show.

      • Jarv says :

        One thing you were spot on about with it, though, was that Africa looks all wrong.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        yeah it’s one of the myriad of problems with that POS.

      • Jarv says :

        I think it fails at story not even script level. It’s like a terrible post apocalyptic john Wayne movie

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        yeah its an even worse travel story than gay midgets strolling around New Zealand for no discernible reason except to take the longest, most non linear route anywhere.

      • Jarv says :

        At least they had a clear destination.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        there is that. they still took the Fury Road way of going the hardest dumbest way.

      • Jarv says :

        I didn’t mind on the way out- it was the “lets turn back and go through waves of cultists to return to where we started” that got on my tits. Made the whole thing feel pointless.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        her plan made fuck all sense though. She didn’t know she was under surveillance and that nobody would come to get her after taking a left turn while getting gas? Women drivers. For that matter how in the fuck did she fill up that attached tanker with the guzzoline? and for fucks sake why was the motherfucking mothers milk so goddamned important? they left that just dangling out there. fucking movie both sucks and blows.

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      Thank you my dear.

    • Toadkillerdog says :

      Hey Xi,
      Happy birthday!

      • tombando says :

        Exactly! ! May you ride a camel and play the tables at Monaco like Sharif, and find the End zone at the last second like the Cobra. A good day. Xiphos is clearly not a day over 50. Oh wait that’s My age in a yr. Never mind, nothing to see here.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Thank You TKD.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Thanks Tom.

    • Continentalop says :

      Happy Birthday, Xi.

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      Happy birthday Xi. If the D-backs can lose the next two as well, I would appreciate it.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Hey thanks Pillow.

        The D Backs will probably lose since they had just managed to break over .500

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Thanks for allowing the sweep to occur. It gives the Mets more wiggle room before the inevitable second half collapse.

  41. Just Pillow Talk says :

    Kingsman – I thought it was pretty meh. The neverending scene of the church massacre was pointless, Sam was such an uninteresting villain, the lead I could give two shits about. Strong was the highlight for me.

    Taken 3 – blah.

  42. Just Pillow Talk says :

    Just finished Jupiter Ascending, which, while dumb and silly, was just too damn long. It’s pretty much what I expected, which is not good. Better action than Kingsman though. Couldn’t stand how the action was shot in that one.

  43. Jarv says :

    Weekend roundup:

    The Lazarus Effect: Shit, kind of like a rubbish version of flatliners.
    Poltergeist 2015: FUCK OFF AND DIE. Orangutan of Doom, nailed on.

    The Ashes. Obviously.

    • Jarv says :

      I can’t get over how shit that was.

      From the top:

      1) Not Scary. Neither was the original really, but that’s neither here nor there. The original didn’t try as hard to be “ooooh scary”.
      2) Over-reliance on that shitty minor key jump scare thing. Rubbish.
      3) Miscast. The girl who stepped into Heather O’Rourke’s shoes as Carol Anne was terrible. Not her fault, same goes to Jared Harris in the Zelda Rubinstein part.
      4) CGI. Fuck me. Why was there so much CGI in a Poltergeist film.
      5) 3D. Again, jesus suffering fuck. Particularly bad was the climax of the movie.
      6) Writing. There was no feeling that this family actually liked each other and wanted the girl back, plus- what an asinine decision to make Rockwell’s character redundant- trying far too hard to be socially relevant
      7) Pacing. Pedestrian is an under statement. No feeling of gathering menace at all.
      8) The end- the family are being shown round a new house, similar to the haunted one. Except they decide to fuck off half way through and are laughing as the car drives off. Yes, I’d find it HILARIOUS if my son had nearly been eaten by angry poltergeists. HILARIOUS I tell you.

      Fucker made money, too.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Obviously we can expect a more in-depth review from yourself? It sounds like you would benefit from sounding off on this one….

    • Judge Droid says :

      Is that the one with Olivia Wilde in it? If so it’s on my enormous list of shit I’ve acquired but never bothered watching.

      No interest in Poltergeist.

  44. Judge Droid says :

    Weekend viewing…

    The Ashes – Unfortunately that was pretty much it except for True Detective. Slow episode. Some terrible dialogue “You don’t remember those moments, they remember you.” or whatever she said was particularly terrible. The shootout was a welcome sudden explosion of something actually happening. But by halfway through the sequence I was distracted by wondering how many bullets these cops carried on them and where the hell they stashed them. That goes for the crims as well. Limitless supply of bullets until it’s necessary for someone to run out to crank up the tension. That said it was an okay sequence. Riggin’s character just gets worse. And opening the ep where it did really threw me. I thought I’d missed something.

    • Judge Droid says :

      Also watched the BvS trailer. I think it looks pretty good. REALLY taking itself seriously, and out of context Lex Luthor looks a bit strange. I really liked the shot of Batman grappling away from the laser/explosion.

      • Jarv says :

        I’ll watch it later. No hope for that, after Man of Stool and Affleck cast as FatBatman.

        Tried to watch Sucker Punch again quite recently. It’s even worse than previously thought.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Well I only ever made it through 20 minutes of SP. I like MoS and Affleck looks good as Bats.

      • Jarv says :

        Affleck looks good borderline obese as Bats

        FIFY.

        I’m genuinely amazed when people say they like Man of Stool. Thought it was total shit.

        You know what film I want to watch? The one with Rusty riding space dragons and fighting people. That looked like a good film. Unfortunately, it got swapped away for some shitty origin movie with a knuckleheaded last hour.

      • Judge Droid says :

        What are you referring to when you say he looks “borderline obese”? You know he’s wearing a mechanical armor suit in most of the shots don’t you?

      • Jarv says :

        It was a photo or something I saw earlier. I’ll see if I can find it.

        And Affleck is like Adele. I reserve the right to be rude about him for being fat.

      • Jarv says :

        Talking about which, there are some fat cunts in this office. Like, seriously, morbidly obese.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Speaking of Bats. I 100%’d the new Batman game. I was one of the very few that weren’t effected by the fact that the PC version didn’t work properly. It’s good. I liked City better. It has a better story. And using the Batmobile gets boring and annoying because they use it so much for boss fights. They managed to include the Joker a lot more than you’d expect considering end of the last game and it works fairly well thanks to Hamill being great and the Joker having some very entertaining dialogue.

        Overall it’s good.

      • Jarv says :

        Now I’m properly employed again, I’m thinking of investing in a PS4 with it.

        Behind “Car” and shit like that on the need to buy list, though.

      • Jarv says :

        And using the Batmobile gets boring and annoying because they use it so much for boss fights

        Had a feeling this would be the case. Saw some footage with it strafing left and right blowing up tanks and shit. Thought that would be boring after the novelty wears off.

      • Judge Droid says :

        It does and there’s A LOT of that shit.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I’m going to get a PS4 when they release Uncharted 4. Thankfully they pushed it to 2016 so I’ll actually be able to afford one.

        Congrats about the job. Was it that one you interviewed for the other week?

      • Jarv says :

        Cheers

        A different one. Did a phone interview for it, and didn’t get the job I interviewed for. Got one further up the food chain instead.

        Massive pay bump- but it’s only 6 month contract.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        MOS is decent, and the new trailer I thought was pretty excellent. Affleck looks like Batman to me. Jarv, don’t know what you mean by him being a fatso.

        I’ll also say that this trailer blows away any trailer Marvel throws out there. Fuck, I don’t like Marvel for the most part.

      • Jarv says :

        Apparently the new x-men one is really good.

        Won’t at all be a shit film.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        I think you need to recalibrate your fat meter Jarv, Batfleck is yoked now.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Suicide Squad trailer is decent. Will Smith comes across as weakest link, Leto seems like the Joker to me from the little I saw.

      • Judge Droid says :

        It’s early but it does look like it could be good. Robbie looks like a good choice for Harley Quinn. I liked Leto’s line at the end. The Joker doesn’t have any eyebrows for some reason. But it works. I haven’t made my mind up about Smith yet. It’s hard to tell much from the trailer. I also like the Killer Croc makeup. I’ve only seen that character in the games, where he’s enormous. But I guess he’d have to be CG or they’d have to use complicated methods to get that to work.

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        BvS looks good. i am rooting for DC. Suicide squad looks good, but i got a distinctive gollum vibe from Leto. don’t know why

        I saw Ant man. It was middle of road. Awesome Sfx. and an imaginative usage of his powers, but still the movie lacked a certain oomph and the comic relief should have been shot before being allowed in the flick.
        Evangeline Lilly looks very very old. I swear i did not know who she was at first, and i thought she was actually Pyms wife she looked that old.

        Fury road sucked hard

      • Judge Droid says :

        but i got a distinctive gollum vibe from Leto. don’t know why

        Both didn’t have any eyebrows?

        That’s a total shock about Ant-Man. Middle of the road? Marvel? I’m stunned.

      • Jarv says :

        I think I’m alone in the world with thinking that bats v supes trailer looks shit. Although I concede that affleck isn’t fat in it. Thereby depriving me of at least some amusement.

        Just looks like boring, glum Snyder toss.

        Reminded me of the end of matrix 3 for some reason.

      • Jarv says :

        Suicide squad has achieved something amazing from that trailer- Harley doesn’t suck.

        Looks ok.

      • Jarv says :

        Is Leto channeling/ impersonating Hamill’s joker? That’s the feeling I got from the voice.

      • Judge Droid says :

        There’s a bit of The Killing Joke Joker in there I think. I say that because it’s one of about 3 Batman funnybooks I’ve read so I’m obviously well-versed in this type of thing.

      • Jarv says :

        I’ve only read Dark Knight Returns.

        That’s a good shout though- I think Hamill’s Joker draws heavily from Killing Joke.

      • Jarv says :

        I’ve been thinking why I dislike the Bats v Supes trailer so much. I think it’s a combination of things:

        1) Boring portentous Snyder colours and tone
        2) I think I just don’t like Superman
        3) Where it’s drawing from- it’s clearly lifting the last act of The Dark Knight Returns. Even down to the look of the armoured batsuit. This gives me horrible Watchmen flashbacks, and I’m thinking that it’s going to be the funnybook vomited onto the screen, again.
        4) I don’t like the idea of it.
        5) Wonder Woman. Really?

        I could go on, but I honestly think it looks like total shit. I’m a bit worried that I’m crossing over to the Xiphos side regarding modern films and trailers nowadays, because it’s rare that one even raises a glimmer of interest in me.

      • Jarv says :

        Talking about shit- I forgot to mention it because I think I repressed it- also watched Macgruber on the weekend.

        2 observations:

        1) That film is white hot shit. Don’t touch it with someone else’s bargepole. Orangutan of Doom
        2) How fat is Val Kilmer nowadays? It’s funny that he once played Elvis, because he’s now about the size of hamburger Elvis.

      • Judge Droid says :

        6) You’re also beginning from a position of wanting to dislike it.

      • Jarv says :

        I don’t want to dislike it.

        It’s just got a lot of things in it that I already do dislike, and therefore it’s got to work harder for me to get over it. I’ve got to the point now where I honestly don’t ever want to see anything with Superman in it again, or anything by Snyder for that matter.

        I appreciate that I haven’t got an open mind towards it, but that’s not the same as actively wanting to dislike it.

      • Jarv says :

        Did you see the Aussies turned down the post match beer thing? Our press is, quelle fucking surprise, trying to inflate that into them being rotten losers.

      • Jarv says :

        Can’t say I blame them, actually. Having a beer with Cook and Anderson is really far down the list of things I’d voluntarily do.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I can’t think of any I’d want to have a beer with, and quite a few I’d actively avoid.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I saw that and had a chuckle at it. Especially since it was Jimmy Fuckwit Anderson who said it. Never mind the fact that they haven’t done that for a decade. And just because NZ did it automatically makes anyone who doesn’t a bad loser.

      • Jarv says :

        To be fair, it was something that historically was always done. I think it was Border who put a stop to it.

        Can you imagine a bigger group of cunts to share a beer with than those two teams: Mitch, Haddin, Warner, Cook, Anderson, Stokes, Broad- that’s almost 1/3 of them with severe cuntish tendencies. Given that Moeen doesn’t drink either, it’s not exactly going to be a fun time.

      • Jarv says :

        You beat me to it.

        I’d maybe consider having a beer with Rogers, Lyth, Buttler and Smith, but I’m not sure it would be a great time.

        The rest I’d actively avoid, I think.

        Moeen doesn’t count.

      • Jarv says :

        Yes, forgot about him.

        Still, that’s 5 of them, one abstain, which leaves a remaining 17 that I’d want to avoid. I’d avoid Root because I think he’s about as interesting as Wallpaper statistics, you’d avoid him because you think he’s a cunt.

        I’d almost be tempted to say Watto, just so I can find out quite how a) He’s the highest paid AUssie cricketer at $4m per year and b) how the hell he keeps getting selected.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I don’t have anything against guys like Starc or Hazlewood. Or that Wood guy. I wouldn’t exactly jump at the chance to have a beer with them. Because they don’t seem particularly interesting. I’d have a beer with Sids, but I don’t think he drinks.

      • Jarv says :

        I don’t have anything against Starc, Hazlewood or Wood either, but they fall into the non-entity category for me. I’d suspect they’d be a bit dull.

      • Jarv says :

        Sids is Vegan. I don’t think he drinks either. He can go in the “doesn’t count” group with Moeen.

      • Jarv says :

        A more pertinent question is “which tool leaked this non-story to the press?” Frankly.

        My money’s on Jimmy

      • Judge Droid says :

        It was him. He was asked about it by the press, because it was something that they did in the NZ series.

      • Jarv says :

        Right, but who told the press about it? I knew he confirmed it.

      • Jarv says :

        I also can’t make up if it’s “Mind games”, or them trying to be “new England that actually have fun playing the game as opposed to the boring miserable group of absolute cunts they were under flower”.

        Idea is to try to get the public back on their side by being all nice and whatnot. They’ve got a long way to work- I honestly can’t think of a more despised England side in my lifetime in any sport. Even the football team under Capello weren’t as disliked by their fans.

      • Judge Droid says :

        It’s mind games.

      • Jarv says :

        I think it’s a bit of both, to be honest.

        They’re definitely trying to get back in the public’s good books. Anderson has been all over the press in sackcloth and ashes about his past behaviour and how he’s now a reformed man who’s going to play the game with a smile on his face etc.

      • Jarv says :

        Bah. Haddin has, apparently, removed himself from selection for “personal reasons”. This is looking more and more like England’s last tour down under by the day. At least he fell on his sword now rather than after the second test.

        With Harris doing what Swann should have done, the similarities are mounting up.

      • Jarv says :

        Except we won’t be able to pull of a whitewash because a)We’re still pretty average and b)it’ll rain at some point.

      • Jarv says :

        And Faulkner got himself done drink driving so has been dropped for the ODI’s later in the summer.

        I’m a bit sad at the Haddin one, England needed him behind the stumps. He’s had no form with the bat since 2014, and his keeping has deteriorated. Worried this new lad could destroy us.

      • Judge Droid says :

        It was Ponting, who saw the friendly atmosphere of the 2005 series as a reason why we lost.

      • Jarv says :

        Thought it was Border before the 89 Ashes over here who stopped it first, then it came back under Taylor, before Ponting stopped it in 2005.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Yeah, maybe. It’s something Captain Grumpy would do.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m certain Border complained about the atmosphere between the two teams being “too nice” and that’s why Australia kept losing.

        To be fair to Border, the 80’s had some pretty fucking horrible Aussie sides in it. We had some shite too, but not as bad as that.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Border captained a pretty dogshit side for a long time.

  45. Just Pillow Talk says :

    6 months > 0 months.

    Can you parlay it into a permanent one if you so desire?

    Since your free time will be cut down, can we have a new rec room ya lazy bastard?

  46. M. Blitz says :

    Happy Birthday Xi! Hope you had a great time

  47. Just Pillow Talk says :

    Clearly this is a Wolfie flick…The Man from Planet X. It took me a couple times to get through it only because it is so damn boring, kept nodding off. Alien lands in Scotland (we know this because it’s always foggy!) and….nothing really happens. Some mind control stuff, their planet comes hurltling right past ours (with no ill effects), and they end up vaporizing said alien and ship. Longest hour and smidge movie I think I’ve seen.

    • Jarv says :

      Never even heard of it.

      • tombando says :

        Bats vs Supes, I think it looks OK, no problem with WW and Acquaman being in it. After all, it Is the Superfriends we are talking about here. Affleck as Bats who knows? I wanted to like Man of Stool but it lost me. Crowe best part. Not enough Costner either, the whole death by Dorothy was lame.

        Antman: if it’s Fun, then I can see it working. These Marvel things are awful cliche filled.

        Didn’t see Theron Road. Likely needed Giant Robots.

        Man from Uncle and Cruise hanging from a plane might be worthy.

      • Jarv says :

        Don’t bother with Theron Road. There’s varying degrees of dislike here, but I don’t think anyone’s actually on board with it being good. Xi is the most extreme, then probably me.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Jonah liked it.

      • Jarv says :

        So he did. Stand corrected. What did you think?

      • Judge Droid says :

        Not much. I didn’t hate it. I just didn’t think it was any good. Had a couple of decent bits here and there, mostly in the first half, but otherwise I was a bit bored.

      • Jarv says :

        It was just so, so pointless, and as such at the end felt like a complete waste of time. I didn’t hate it, like Xi, but I think it’s varying degrees of shit.

      • Judge Droid says :

        One of my major complaints is the crap “plot”. The whole A-B back to A thing. I also really didn’t like the way it opened. Max, being the awesome driver that he his, lasts about 6 seconds before getting totalled and captured. The movie should’ve just opened with him captured and not even bothered explaining how he was captured. It’s not like the movie bothered explaining anything else anyway.

      • Jarv says :

        One of my major complaints is the crap “plot”. The whole A-B back to A thing.

        That is probably my major complaint. By a long way.

      • Jarv says :

        Also, I struggle to see *why* Max was even in the film- it could have worked out just fine without him. What did he add at any point? He just kind of hung around with Theron.

        It desperately wanted to be MM2- except in that he was actually useful- he knew where the truck was, for example. This wasn’t the case in Fury Turd.

      • Jarv says :

        And I didn’t buy Hoult’s conversion from religious fanatic willing to ride the tornado to death to hero of the women. He’s a foaming at the mouth nutter who spray paints his face and teeth before wanting to die messily, and has a 2 minute chat with a pregnant woman and suddenly betrays his entire belief system?

        This is clearly what we’re doing wrong with IS. Need to send some pregnant women over to reform the fanatics.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck me. Cockshaw gave Human Centipede 3: Whatever sequence 3 stars.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        To be fair here, I thought the issue being illustrated was that he had the ‘Valhalla’ moment and ended up in that place most suicide bombers never are, he lived to see that the cult he believed in and the experience he wanted was utter crap and his savior was a fraud. Then, with that shattered, someone showed him some genuine kindness. It was on the run, but I thought they did a decent job of characterizing that a bit better than ‘chat with pregnant woman.’

      • Jarv says :

        But that’s not what happened. Joe promises him a ride to Valhalla, he paints his gob silver and then climbs on the truck. Through an act of his fuckuppery, not anyone else’s he gets stuck and effectively taken out of action. The woman then talks to him for 5 minutes with a bit of doe-eyes and he throws his belief system (that he was willing to ride a fucking dust storm tornado or whatever it was) under the bus.

        That’s actually a minor complaint of mine compared to the plot- which you rightly acknowledge is because Miller painted himself into a corner. What would have been interesting is if they’d had to defend it from Joe’s hordes- instead of another chase. We’d had the big “Road” moment, so a pitched battle could have been a fun change of pace.

      • Jarv says :

        Didn’t the interceptor actually get trashed as well?

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Yea, I liked it a lot actually, although I’m often not of the same consensus here. I see your points, they just didn’t trouble me much, mostly because the whole thing played more sensory and dreamlike to me and the plot points never seemed to problematic, nor Max riding shotgun for most of the story. The travel back to the stronghold worked for me, but it was pivotal on one thing–killing Immortan–and that arguably wasn’t the best way to do it. Miller painted himself into a corner by having the Vuvalini be a handful of dried-up women instead of some amazonian enclave that could have allowed them to make some substantial stand and one in which Max could have used his skills to meaningfully help them.

        Strangely, when it ended in the theater, my biggest gripe was that he didn’t reclaim the Interceptor and do something heroic with it. Most of the stuff here never bothered me or never occurred to me.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I saw Antman last night. More of a comedy, a bit too talky in the first half, but it’s definitely concerned with being more dumb fun than overwrought superhero dramatics. Once it gets into the second half and the heist it becomes a pretty fun and silly movie; hits the kinds of notes that I think that Green Lantern movie tried and failed at. Michael Pena was good as the dopey sidekick, Rudd was decent, but the fact it embraces some of the campy kind of energy you’d find in an 80’s Joe Dante movie is what elevated it in my book.

        One of the better Marvel movies, up there with Guardians of the Galaxy and original Thor in my opinion.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Valhalla? I swear to fuck those douchtarded rent bois were mumble screaming lyrics to Springsteen’s Thunder Road from around a mouth full of jizz.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        It’s entirely possible. ‘Valhalla’ and ‘lovely day’ are more or less the only words I caught during most of those early chase scenes.

      • Jarv says :

        Definitely Valhalla. Joe says it clearly later

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        How the hell could he recover the Interceptor? It got fucked up TWICE. First time in like the first 2 minutes of the movie. Which goes to show that this isn’t a Mad Max movie since in the REAL one the interceptor was destroyed when THE REAL USEFUL: AND MANLY MAX tried to break through the Humongous lines.

      • Jarv says :

        Here Xi- Have you ever heard the theory that Humungous is Goose from the first film. Apparently he wears all that shit because it covers where he got torched by toecutter in the first film.

        It’s clearly bollox of the highest caliber, mind.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Nope never heard that one but how could it be? there weren’t any burn damages on his body.

      • Jarv says :

        Allegedly there’s some lost “deleted” scenes that show he’s got a relationship from before with max or some such. As I said, it’s clearly bollox, because Goose was properly torched, not just his melon.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Humongous had a prior relationship with Max? Also how would somebody as lean and skinny as goose get that big?

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I meant hypothetically, prior to its second destruction. When he’s elevated on the beam, as the blood bag, and sees the car, I figured at some point he’d comandeer it again, but then that never happens. Seemed like a waste.

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      Thats’ why the aliens will lose, they think Scotland is a worthwhile place to invade.

      • Jarv says :

        Loads of good things about Scotland…

        It’s not wales for fuckssakes.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        like what sheep, whiskey and drunk Scots?

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        and tweed!

      • Jarv says :

        Whisky, spectacular landscape, Hunting and Fishing (you like that sort of thing IIRC).

        I do appreciate that Scotland is to blame for things like Golf as well.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        I know I’m just messing with you.

      • Jarv says :

        I know. You ever seen Whae’s like us?

        I’ll see if I can find it. It’s the bitter, chippy scot’s go to mantra.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        I think I have sounds familiar.

      • Jarv says :

        Here you go:

        Scotland- inventor of everything of use on the planet, practically:

        The average Englishman, in the home he calls his castle, slips into his national costume, a shabby raincoat, patented by chemist Charles Macintosh from Glasgow, Scotland. En route to his office he strides along the English lane, surfaced by John Macadam of Ayr, Scotland.

        He drives an English car fitted with tyres invented by John Boyd Dunlop of Dreghorn, Scotland, arrives at the station and boards a train, the forerunner of which was a steam engine, invented by James Watt of Greenock, Scotland. He then pours himself a cup of coffee from a thermos flask, the latter invented by Dewar, a Scotsman from Kincardine-on-Forth.

        At the office he receives the mail bearing adhesive stamps invented by James Chalmers of Dundee, Scotland.

        During the day he uses the telephone invented by Alexander Graham Bell, born in Edinburgh, Scotland.

        At home in the evening his daughter pedals her bicycle invented by Kirkpatrick Macmillan, blacksmith of Dumfries, Scotland.

        He watches the news on his television, an invention of John Logie Baird of Helensburgh, Scotland, and hears an item about the U.S. Navy, founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland.

        He has by now been reminded too much of Scotland and in desperation he picks up the Bible only to find that the first man mentioned in the good book is a Scot, King James VI, who authorised its translation.

        Nowhere can an Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots.

        He could take to drink, but the Scots make the best in the world.

        He could take a rifle and end it all but the breech-loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick of Pitfours, Scotland.

        If he escapes death, he might then find himself on an operating table injected with penicillin, which was discovered by Alexander Fleming of Darvel, Scotland, and given an anaesthetic, which was discovered by Sir James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland.

        Out of the anaesthetic, he would find no comfort in learning he was as safe as the Bank of England founded by William Paterson of Dumfries, Scotland.

        Perhaps his only remaining hope would be to get a transfusion of guid Scottish blood which would entitle him to ask “Wha’s Like Us”.

      • Jarv says :

        Biggest inaccuracy is the English car. No such thing.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Irish whiskey is better,

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        I also have read that the Japanese are making some excellent scotch now.

  48. Xiphos0311 says :

    Suicide Squad’s weak link is going to be Big Willy style. Guaranteed. Deadshot isn’t in his wheelhouse.

    • Jarv says :

      He’s totally miscast. And the character seems to be all wrong from the (little) I know. Deadshot isn’t a charismatic leader, he’s a stone cold psychopath with an accuracy obsession.

      No idea why they cast Big Wille Style in this role. He should have been Bronze Tiger. If they had to cast someone famous. But I’d rather they’d gone with actors and characters they could kill off- it is Suicide Squad after all.

      Still impressed at Robbie’s turn as Harley from that trailer, though.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        I think because Hardy dropped out they went for The Fresh Prince. Originally the story was going to be built around Hardy’s character Rick Flagg. Once he bailed and they got Kinnamen as Flagg they went after Welcome to Earf to fill the name void.

        Yeah she was quite surprising in the role I agree.

      • Jarv says :

        Hardy was lousy casting as Flagg. Horrible, awful casting actually.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        After slightly grumpy Maxine I think Hardy being cast in anything is an awful choice.

      • Jarv says :

        I was thinking about this, and I’ve seen Hardy in quite a lot of stuff, and he’s basically always shite. I’m struggling to think of something he’s been really good in- I’ve not seen Bronson.

        Tinker Tailor excepted, but he’s against type in that.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        He was in Tinker Tailor? I don’t even remember.

      • Jarv says :

        He played the operative in Berlin. Can’t remember the characters name. Fucking boring film.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        I don’t remember him at all. All I remember is Sherlock with the bad dye job and smug ass expression the whole movie.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m struggling to remember what he did in it. Mind you, I’m struggling to remember what anyone did in it.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I thought Hardy was interesting in a movie called Locke, but overall he’s just not a very interesting actor, and he’s not charismatic at all.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        How the hell would he even know Max was there?

      • Jarv says :

        He wouldn’t.

        The point being though, that these scenes either don’t exist at all (hopefully) or ended up on the cutting room floor for precisely the reason you say. Don’t forget Humungous repeatedly offers them the chance to leave the refinery- if he had a hard on for max he’d have tried to get them to hand him over, or something, and it doesn’t feature.

        It’s blatant shite.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        It’s got to be a giant load of BS. Even by fan boi nonsense that is just dumb.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Also, even though the first three Max movies do feel like they are part of the same universe and character, I never got that Miller was particularly worried about that kind of continuity between each film. As far as I can tell, the gyro copter pilot played by Bruce Spence in Road Warrior and Jedidiah, the gyro captain in Beyond Thunderdome, also played by Spence, are essentially different characters. I’m also assuming that the feral kids are supposed to be technically different too. They serve pretty much the same purpose in both films, are identical, but based on Road Warrior’s finale–That’s the last time I ever saw the man they called Max’–it doesn’t seem intended they are actually the same person.

        Given that, it’s unlikely Miller would make that kind of direct connection with Humongous. Same thing with Immortan Joe, who isn’t obviously Toe Cutter despite being the same actor. I guess the same thing could really even be said about Max in Fury Road.

      • tombando says :

        Killer Croc? Rick Flagg? It could be fun, if they pull off the dirty dozen thing correctly.

        I missed out n Deadpool, is he like the Punisher, more or lesd?

      • Jarv says :

        As far as I’m aware he’s a mercenary with a big mouth. So, meh.

      • Continentalop says :

        How the fuck does Goose gain 100lbs of muscle in an apocalyptic wasteland? Goose was average size, Humongous looks like a tag team partner to Hulk Hogan.

        I could see in the original draft of the script maybe Humongous was Goose, but that’s it.

      • Jarv says :

        I’ve no idea. I’ll see if I can find the reference to it.

    • Continentalop says :

      Well that looked like shit.

    • tombando says :

      Needed Chiklis in the suit again

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      They really need to stop making FF movies.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m long past the point where I want them to stop making funnybook movies. Full stop.

        But then they make something like Fury Road and I get all disappointed by that too.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        I was quite happy watching the first Taken last night.

        Anyone see Minions yet? Hope it’s decent enough since the kids really want to see it.

      • Jarv says :

        I quite liked Despicable Me, but thought the sequel was toss. I genuinely can’t see it as a good idea doing a whole film on the Minions. It’ll be painful for adults to watch.

        Have you seen the Minion’s THEY LIVE artwork? It’s bloody funny.

      • Jarv says :

        Other things I watched recently:

        The Incredible Burt Wonderstone- much to my surprise, there were some good laughs.
        MacGruber: Awful, unfunny shit. Orangutan of Doom.

        I’ve been debating Taken 3, but have put it behind some Casper Nonsense where he plays Rumplestiltskin. That had better be gold.

      • Jarv says :

        That reads like more of an endorsement for TIBW than I intended. It’s still pretty shit all in all. Just not as shit as I thought it would be, and I did, god help me, laugh at some bits of it (notably the terrible stage act at the beginning, the hot box, the kids party, and Carrey’s David Blaine Character drilling himself in the head).

      • Jarv says :

        As per Get Him to the Greek, which I didn’t hate, to my surprise, and did laugh a fair bit during the first 2/3. The last act was toss, mind- basically everything after the Jeffrey and the threesome scene was embarrassingly bad.

      • Jarv says :

        Ugh. My Birthday film this year is HItman: Agent 47.

        I also need to bite the bullet and do the ones I need to do to get up to date. Not that I want to do them, because they’ll be shit.

      • Jarv says :

        Ugh ugh ugh.

        2012: Premium rush. Meh
        2013: Mortal Instruments. Wank.
        2014: Sin City 2. Meh to Wank
        2015: Hitman Agent 47.

        Fuckssakes. I don’t seem to get outright terrible films any more, just deeply forgettable ones.

      • Jarv says :

        I’ve actually seen 3 of these not so long ago and can’t remember 2 of them at all.

        Sin City 2, however, I can remember. I know precisely what’s wrong with it too.

        I was thinking the other day that the big problem with SC2 is that, with the exception of A Dame to Kill For, they used the stronger material in the first film. A Dame to Kill For is far stronger than the Dwight Section though.

        So, as an experiment, I was wondering what it would be like to edit the films to include ADTKF in with the first one and the Jackie Boy stuff in the second- would it make that much of a difference? And the Alba story in 2 should never have been considered as a good idea, it was terrible.

      • Judge Droid says :

        MI5 is my b’day movie this year. Sometimes (rarely) luck is on my side.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m not sure I’d call that luck. Thought MI4 was pretty crap, to be honest. (Better than the utterly crap 3 and 2 though).

        If I do it on UK dates, I’ve got a much more interesting list. Lovelace is on it- and I’ve been meaning to see that.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I use US dates and Vacation opens 2 days before MI5 and Fantastic Four opens the week after my b’day. I’d call it luck.

      • Jarv says :

        I’d call that luck too.

        You ever going to finish your list? Where are you stuck- 1980?

      • Jarv says :

        I had to fudge mine, because I couldn’t find anything for my date for 1980 down. And once I started widening the net it gave me more interesting stuff.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Think it was 1984. I resorted to doing speech bubbles on the pics I was so bored of doing those movies. I’ll get to it one day. I’ve got about 5 years AFTER to do as well.

      • Jarv says :

        Man, you’re stuck on a load of stuff.

        What Arnie film are you up to? Total Recall.

        This is in no way a hint for new content. Not at all. And Not because I’m sick of looking at that Kingsman review that isn’t going anywhere.

        May abandon it and review Ex Machina instead.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Did Total Recall. I’m up to Terminator 2 I think. The prick keeps making movies!

        I’m not particularly interested in a Kingsman review. I want to see Ex Machina. Review that.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s quite difficult to fend off a rambunctious 1 year old and pen witty reviews, you know.

        But seeing as that Kingsman one isn’t clever, witty or interesting, I may just shitcan it.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Crap excuse.

        I’m up to Kindergarten Cop. Then T2. Then an enormous pile of shit (and True Lies).

      • Jarv says :

        I’ve got loads backed up that I need to get on to. And a new Rec Room, because Pillows was complaining.

        You’re up to 83, by the way. What have you got left?

      • Jarv says :

        Talking about Pillows- he owes us a Ghost Rider 2 review.

      • Jarv says :

        I keep meaning to do the Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death as well. But it’s such a boring film I can’t really be arsed.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Not seen that artwork.

        I’ve managed to not see any of those movies on your birthday list. Taken 3 sucked, just saw it, and I struggle to remember anything in it that is memorable in the slightest. At this point, it’s just shitting on the family for no reason. Awful. Putting aside that, the action is not good nor the final showdown(s).

      • Jarv says :

        Premium Rush and SC2 can kill time, particularly the former.

      • Judge Droid says :

        Taken 3 was shit. It was on par with Taken 2, but at least Taken 2 had that stupid scene where she’s running across the city throwing grenades so he can direct her to him. Taken 3 has nothing like that.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        I thought MI 2 and 3 were okay, imminently better than 2, disposable entertainment that one does not seek out intentionally.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        What possessed you to watch McGruber anyway?

        Droid – excellent point on the grenades and lack thereof.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck knows. Complete brain failure.

      • Judge Droid says :

        I’ve seen Macgruber. It is terrible. I don’t really find that guy funny.

      • Jarv says :

        Most of it was genuinely painful. Think the worst bit was probably the 2 sex scenes.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        There’s a Ghost Rider 2? Interesting….

      • Jarv says :

        Yup. It’s a double whammy- Pillow’s birthday present to himself and a marvel movie.

        Nicholas cage is in it. It’s re-a-a-a-a-a-lly good.

      • Judge Droid says :

        He also has 50 Shades of Grey as his 2014 b’day movie.

      • Jarv says :

        Seriously?

        C’mon pillows, the missus will be pleased you’ve selected a chick’s film.

      • tombando says :

        I saw Ghost Rider Too, didn’t hate it, don’t remember enough to say beyond that.

        Gunman with Sean Penn Yuck. Duel at Toro Toro. Talk about wasting the baddie from No Country for Brolins. Idris Elba has a cameo. Needed more air hoses.

        Caught some of Yankee Doodle Dandy. Always fun.

      • Continentalop says :

        I know even as I watched it that it was a bad movie, but I couldn’t help but find something enjoyable about MACGRUBER. Maybe because it was so inane and stupid…

        Or maybe because I saw something worse before I put that in.

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