Jarv’s Musings 2009-2012
Welcome to the musings of Jarv:
Inside the mind of Jarv.
Connoisseur of low rent films, bitter vitriol and unfettered anger.
All thoughts marinaded in Guinness and the product of a disordered brain.
Still, at least the soundtrack’s great.
To see cynicism made word, just click on one of the pictures, or a link for the reviews.
Latest Reviews:
- DeepStar 6
- 2019: After the Fall of New York
- Starcrash
- Return of Swamp Thing
- Blood Camp Thatcher
- Gargoyles
- The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension
- Massacre at Central High
- The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
- Hydra
- No Man’s Land: The Rise of Reeker
- Reeker
- Sorority Row
- Pervert
- Chopping Mall
- Alien vs Ninja
- Komodo v Cobra
- Bare Behind Bars
- Pterodactyl
- Evil Aliens
- Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers
- Machete
- Hobo with a Shotgun
- Trailer Park of Terror
- Vampire Girl v Frankenstein Girl
- Nude Nuns With Big Guns
- The Pit and the Pendulum
- Feast
- Warlock
- Mega Piranha
- Progeny
- Faust: Love of the Damned
- Robot Jox
- Return of the Living Dead 3
- Society
- Beyond Re-Animator
- Night of the Demons
- From Beyond
- The Burning
- Bride of Re-Animator
- Re-Animator
- Frankenhooker
- Evil Angel
- Down
- The Tripper
- Basement Jack Review
- Megiddo: The Omega Code 2
- Iron Sky Preview
- One Eyed Monster
- House
- Dracula 3000
- Strip Nude For Your Killer
- The Beast Must Die
- Mega Shark v Crocosaurus
- Porn Shoot Massacre
- The Exterminator
- Fear Island
- Boo
- Flavia the Heretic
- Swamp Zombies
Latest Reviews:
- Swimming With Sharks
- Bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia
- Stake Land
- Ink
- The Eyes of Laura Mars
- Castle Freak
- Fermat’s Room
- The Chronicles of Riddick
- Dead Man’s Curve
- Body Snatchers
- Peeping Tom
- Performance
- Donnie Brasco
- 13: Game of Death
- The 10 Worst Pieces of Obnoxious Product Placement
- The Best of 2011
- The Best of 2010
- Cinematic cunts- the most obnoxious characters to grace the screen
- Jarv’s Top 10 TV Cunts
- Awesome Cinematic Deaths
- Terrible sex scenes
- 10 Good Remakes
- The Top 10 Hateful Remakes
The Top 10 of 2000-2010:
The Regional Best of the Decade
- America:
- Schlock in the 21st Century
- South America and Africa (still to be updated)
- Britain and the Commonwealth
- Europe:
Staked! Good Vampire Films
- Stake Land
- Let The Right One In
- Frostbite
- John Carpenter’s Vampires
- Fright Night Part 2
- Fright Night
- The Hunger
- Martin
- Captain Kronos- Vampire Hunter
- Innocent Blood
- Thirst
The Cronenberg Series
- Shivers
- Rabid
- Fast Company
- The Brood
- Scanners
- Videodrome
- The Dead Zone
- The Fly
- Dead Ringers
- Naked Lunch
- M. Butterfly
- Crash
- Existenz
- Spider
- A History of Violence
- Eastern Promises
- A Dangerous Method
Horror Movie Series
- Man’s Best Friend
- Cujo
- Rottweiler
- Prom Night 2008
- Prom Night 4: Deliver us from Evil
- Prom Night 3: the Last Kiss
- Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2
- Prom Night
- Night of the Demons (2010)
- Night of the Demons 3
- Night of the Demons 2
- Stake Land
- Burning Bright
- Pontypool
- Let the Right One In
- Scanner Cop
- The Mist
- Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon
- The Roost
- Dumplings
- Tale of Two Sisters
- Dog Soldiers
- Scanners 3: The Takeover
- Ginger Snaps
- Scanners 2: The New Order
- Audition
- Children of the Corn 2009
- Children of the Corn 7: Revelation
- Children of the Corn 666: Isaac’s Return
- Children of the Corn 5: Fields of Terror
- Children of the Corn 4: The Gathering
Highlanderpalooza
Science is yet to explain the mystery of the simultaneous brain-neuron failure of the noble Changians. For some reason, that will no doubt be pondered for eternity, we decided to take on all 5 Highlander films in order over 5 days. As the humble Changian scribe, it was my duty to document them.
Fuck knows what we were thinking of, but if you’re interested, here they are:
- Highlander
- Highlander 2: the Quickening
- Highlander 3: The Sorcerer
- Highlander Endagame
- Highlander: The Source
- Top series this one. Well done to E4, and it’s nice to have some actual quality to be watching that’s made in Britain.
- Series 1
- Series 2: Episode 1
- Series 2: Episode 2
- Series 2: Episode 3
- Series 2: Episode 4
- Series 2: Episode 5
- Series 2: Episode 6
- Series 2: Episode 7- The Christmas Special
- Series 3: Episode 1
- Series 3: Episode 2
- Series 3: Episode 3
- Series 3: Episode 4
- Series 3: Episode 5
- Series 3: Episode 6
- Series 3: Episode 7
- Series 3: Episode 8
Video Game Adaptations
They do, you know. Nevertheless, with more and more of them coming out, I’m reviewing video game adaptations as I bumble across them. I’m sure I’ll find a good one.
- Silent Hill
- Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li
- Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
- Doom
- Resident Evil
- Alone in the Dark
- Alone in the Dark 2
- Dead Space: Downfall
- Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within
- Resident Evil: Apocalypse
- Resident Evil: Extinction
- Dead Space: Aftermath
- Bloodrayne
- Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance
- Max Payne
- Resident Evil: Afterlife
- In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
- Bloodrayne 3: The Third Reich
- Tekken
- Mortal Kombat
- Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
- Super Mario Brothers
A man called Casper…
Now I know this isn’t a good idea. Still, almost every Casper Van Dien film features him fighting something, so I’m covering as many as I can before I start to hate him. Read below, but I do have to say that the vast majority of these films are terrible.
- Casper in a fright wig v Crap Monsters in Beastmaster 3
- Casper v Dracula IN SPACE!!!
- Casper v Unseasonal Weather: Meltdown
- Casper v Shitty Eurotrash Vampires in LA: Revenant
- Casper v The Wild West: Aces ‘N Eights
- Casper v ANGRY SPACE BUGS: Starship Troopers
- Casper in a GIANT ROBOT SUIT v Angry Space Bugs: Starship Troopers 3
Jarv’s favourite novels
As well as watching a lot of films, I also read a lot of novels. Originally, believe it or not, I studied English Literature at university. As a result, and partially as a refuge from the endless barrage of sub-standard cinema I inflict on myself, I’m going to put up reviews to some of my favourite all time novels. I’m going to attempt to be more mature in the reviews than usual, but I’ll try not to be too boring. To read my thoughts on something I’ve read, pick a link below.
Made in Britain: Movies from the UK
Stop laughing at the back, Britain still does have a film industry. I blunder across these a lot, and when I find one that doesn’t fit in any of the other open ended series that I’m doing, I’ll put it here.
- 13Hrs
- Red Road
- Spirit Trap
- Night Junkies
- Kill List
- Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
- Brighton Rock
- Franklyn
- Daddy’s Girl
- Donkey Punch
- Attack the Block
- Colin
- Book to Movie Special: the Cement Garden.
- The Woman in Black
- Mirrormask
- London to Brighton
- Gnomeo and Juliet
- The Children
- Doghouse
- Down Terrace
- Dirty Pretty Things
- Malice in Wonderland
- 1978 – The Driver (3 out of 4)
- 1979 – Life of Brian (4 out of 4)
- 1980 –Xanadu (Orangutan of Doom)
- 1981 – An American Werewolf in London (4 out of 4)
- 1982 – Class of 1984 (3 out of 4)
- 1983 – Fire and Ice (1 out of 4)
- 1984 – Cal (1/2 out of 4)
- 1985 – Teen Wolf (3 out of 4)
- 1986 –Reform School Girls (2.5 out of 4)
- 1987 – Dirty Dancing (Orangutan of Doom)
- 1988 – Married to the Mob (1 out of 4)
- 1989 – Millennium (1 out of 4)
- 1990 – Darkman (3 out of 4)
- 1991 – Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man (2 out of 4)
- 1992 – Christopher Columbus: The Discovery (Orangutan of Doom)
- 1993 – Hard Target (3 out of 4)
- 1994 – Natural Born Killers (1 out of 4)
- 1995 – Desperado (3 out of 4)
- 1996 – Freeway (2.5 out of 4)
- 1997 – Mimic (2.5 out of 4)
- 1998 – Blade (3.5 out of 4)
- 1999 – Teaching Mrs. Tingle (1 out of 4)
- 2000 – Bring it On (1 out of 4)
- 2001 – Heartbreakers (0.5 out of 4)
- 2002 – Sim0ne (2 out of 4)
- 2003 – My Boss’s Daughter (Orangutan of Doom)
- 2004 – Exorcist: The beginning (1 out of 4)
- 2005 – The Cave (0.5 out of 4)
- 2006 – Invincible (3 out of 4)
- 2007 – War (1 out of 4)
- 2008 – Death Race (0.5 out of 4)
- 2009 – Der Baader Meinhof Komplex (3.5 out of 4)
- 2009 Redux – Post Grad
- 2010 – Piranha 3D (3 out of 4)
- 2011 – Conan the Barbarian (2.5 out of 4)
THE GIANT PIG TRILOGY
- Jarv Gets Pissy at New Year’s Eve
- Christmas Holiday Reading Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3
- Jarv Gets Pissy at Scott Pilgrim v The World
- Jarv sees The Innkeepers. Spooky.
- Mini Review Resurrection: Game of Thrones
- Jarv Gets Pissy at Martyrs.
- Getting my heart stomped on by Norwegian Wood
- Holiday Reading- Part 1, or Part 2, or Part 3
- Mini Review Forever: Gomorrah
- The Mini-review goes to TV Land: Money
- The Return of the Mini-Review: 2033
- The Mini-Review: Splice or The Full Review of Splice
- Tremors
- The Descent Part 2
- Final Fantasy 13
Barfy
kloipy
Echo the Bunnyman
Judge Droid
Jarv
ThereWolf
Xiphos0311
Werewolves On The Moon 
Sigh-
Just Pillow Talk has pointed out that it isn’t necessarily clear what to do here- so if anyone is interested in anything I have written (on your own heads be it), click on one of the icons above to get to them
Ta
See, was that so hard?