Christ, I’ve been lazy. I’ve got all sorts of entertaining reviews of drivel racked up and ready to go, but I am instead going to review The Guardian’s number 1 film of last year: Under the Skin. This is billed as an erotic sci-fi horror art film, which reads to me like they put a number of movie descriptors into a hat and then drew them out until they got bored. Nevertheless, this is a film I really wanted to see last year, as I like one of the director’s previous efforts (more on this in a moment), the awesome Sexy Beast.
Contains Alien fuckmonsters and spoilers below.
As The Church of Chang’s foremost lepologist, it’s my duty to review any Leprechaun movie out there. I first heard of a new Lep movie a couple of years ago, when the production company drank in my local boozer. They had the rights and were attempting to get Warwick back to bring us some more zany high-concept Lep fun. Sadly, they lost the rights and it passed on to WWE Studios- who instantly promised to reboot the series. Alarm bells began to ring at this point, if I’m honest. Nevertheless, WWE pressed ahead, and delivered unto us Leprechaun: Origins, and it’s now my sorry duty to bury the corpse of my favourite Horror franchise.
It’s been long noted in the 5 years or so that we’ve been doing this that I’ll watch anything, and can usually find some enjoyment regardless of how wretched the subject matter. I’ve taken on series such as Children of the Corn that would have had the brain of a lesser man melting through boredom, and I’ve reviewed 165 schlocky low budget b-movie efforts. Therefore, when I say that I’ve struggled with this series, and damned nearly abandoned it, you get an idea about how awful this film is. I started this fucking series A YEAR AGO, and came within a gnat’s pubic hair of binning it as a rancid idea. But now I can say with some confidence that I’ve done it- I’ve now finished the Halloween films.
And it’s been a real struggle.
Contains mystifying sub-Lynchian dream sequences and spoilers below.
You want to know what this film is? No? Well, I don’t care, I’m telling you anyway. It’s cinematic necrophilia.
Resurrection had killed the series, again, but much like it’s protagonist it simply couldn’t stay dead. The concept still made money, so there was a desire to continue it in some way. Thankfully, Busta Rhymes v Myers was so piss poor that it killed the idea of a sequel in that continuity stone dead, but there’s one thing Halloween has always done: latch on to current trends. Sadly, the trend in the second half of the last decade was driven by Platinum Dunes and involved heinously awful plastic remakes of classics (or otherwise) of the genre. We’ve had Nightmare on Elm St, The Fog, Dawn of the Dead (obligatory fuck you Snyder), Day of the Dead, Prom Night, The Hitcher, Hills Have Eyes, The Crazies (arguably the best of the trend), The Omen, Black Christmas, My Bloody Valentine, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and so on and so forth. What this dismal list has in common (aside from that a significant number of them were date based slashers spawned by the original Halloween), is that only The Crazies is a decent film, and most of them not only miss the point of the originals, but manage to be shiny, polished but ultimately entirely boring entries into the genre. Read More…
Back in the early 90’s it was wisely observed that slasher movies were dead, and in no small part the Halloween series was noticed standing over the corpse saying “It’s a fair cop, officer”. The relentless parade of sub par sequels, and mindless killing machines, delivered without an iota of charm or wit had quite simply killed not only slashers, but horror in general. We were all set to bury the corpse, and move on to maybe sci-fi horror (the likes of Event Horizon weren’t far away), but a funny thing happened on the way to the funeral. Wes Craven, one of the godfathers of the genre came back with Scream. Now, Scream was seminal at the time, not only was it a good film in its own right, but it gave the entire genre a shot in the arm. Admittedly, it did also usher in the age of postmodernism, but that’s not its fault. With the brave new dawn of “clever” slasher movies upon us, the decision was made to have another look at the Halloween films, and maybe update them to the 1990’s. The result was Halloween H20.
Contains the very welcome return of Jamie Lee Curtis and spoilers below
Director: Sidney Salkow
Starring: Vincent Price, Franca Bettoia, Emma Danieli
Before I Am Legend there was The Omega Man and before that there was The Last Man On Earth, or L’Ultimo Uomo Della Terra if you’d prefer. Maybe you could add I Am Omega to the list but I’d rather you didn’t. Anyway, they keep having a go at the Matheson classic but nobody ever gets it quite right, do they. May contain useless smoke bombs and spoilers…
Tonight sees a new development in the way films are distributed. Ben Wheatley’s new effort, A Field in England is the first film to be simultaneously released on DVD/ Blu, in the Cinema and shown on Television. Albeit on Film4.
I swore that I was never going to do another one of these after the misbegotten Mario Brothers adaptation sapped my will to live. However, when I saw Silent Hill 2 was announced, the sequel to arguably the only remotely successful adaptation, and that Solomon Kane director Michael J. Basset was helming, I resolved to not only watch it, but provide the review as a nice symmetrical bookend to this series- I started with the original so there’s a nice sense of order to finishing with the sequel. So, is this series going out with a bang or a whimper?
Contains strange pink rabbits and severe spoilers below. Read More…
Who’s Chad? He’s the pretty boy you fucked yesterday!
This is quite funny. When I found this lurking in Lovefilm’s watch now section, I thought Forget Me Not was obvious schlock vault fodder. And it is. But what’s amusing is that I’d had exactly the same thought back in October last year, and watched half the film to, erm, totally forget about it and thus fail dismally to watch (let alone review) the second half. I’m a genius- forgetting about the existence of a film called Forget Me Not. Anyway, such is my dedication to the vault, I thought I’d give it a spin anyway.
Contains a wonderfully trashy chick, shit ghosts, and spoilers below Read More…
Get away from him you CUNT!
Beer: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems. Even up to inexplicable squid beasts that crawl off the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.
There was no way in hell I wasn’t going to love Grabbers. It’s set in Ireland, stars Richard Coyle, who I like from Coupling on the BBC years ago, and features alcohol prominently. Not to mention that it also has giant inexplicable tentacle beasts with a severe attitude problem. Seriously, throw in some gratuitous nudity and a midget or two and I’m in heaven. That it’s also quite a good little film, certainly one that transcends its pathetic budget, is merely a bonus. It does also feature that twat from Being Human sporting a terrible Upper Class English accent, but you can’t have everything.
Contains dipsomania and spoilers below