Tag Archive | Film

How I learned to stop worrying and love the Apocalypse, part 2: The Rover (2014)

The Rover poster

It’s been pointed out to me at length on the last review in this series that I didn’t define the rules properly. This is true, I left them intentionally vague. Much like Batman, I have one rule with this series: all reviews will feature an apocalyptic event, either before or afterwards, but each type of event will only be used once for this cycle. That way, if I feel like it, I can use things like Seeking a Friend for the End of the World at one end of the scale and, say, Mad Max 2 at the other. Other than that, it’s open season and I’m hoping for a nice mix of the epic and the small-scale without too many duds.  Anyhoo, this entry is David Michôd’s follow up to the excellent Animal Kingdom, 2014’s The Rover.

Contains an angry midget and spoilers below. Read More…

Back in New York: DEATH WISH 3

Death Wish 3 Poster

And THIS is what we’ve been fucking talking about. Bring it on.

Contains a ludicrous amount of creeps getting wasted and spoilers below.  Read More…

How I learned to stop worrying and love the Apocalypse, part 1: A Boy and his Dog (1975)

A boy and his dog poster

So, with apologies to Wolf, who’s already done some of these films, it’s time to launch a new open-ended series. This one will be all about the end of the world and the dystopian mess left behind for the poor survivors to deal with. First up, is the Harlan Ellison penned (and later disavowed) 1975 classic A Boy and his Dog. I’m depressed to say this is billed as “a rather kinky tale of survival”, something that is inaccurate, misleading and gives a big hint as to why Ellison had such a downer on the film.

Contains serious weirdness and spoilers below. I’m not joking at all about the spoiler here- it’s enormous, but impossible to talk about the film without addressing. 

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Dealing another helping of Street Justice, but with added rapiness: Death Wish 2

Death Wish 2 poster

I’ve been musing on this film since I saw it a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the “bad” reputation for Death Wish being a rapestraveganza of nastiness comes from this film. I know this is a bit of a weird conclusion to draw, given that I complained about the weird rape in the last one, but, honestly, this is Michael Winner off the leash to a certain extent. This one’s picture light as pretty much every image from this film on the internets has jugs in it. Sorry about that.

Contains a total betrayal of the original film and spoilers below.  Read More…

Jarv develops a DEATH WISH

Death Wish Poster

Don’t panic people. Despite my unemployed status, I’ve not really got an actual Death Wish. Rather, I’ve decided that I need a new series and Bronson’s cottage industry of one man ultraviolence strikes me as the answer (mostly because of the third one, if I’m honest). Anyhow, here we’ll be reviewing all 5 Death Wish films, chronicling one man army Paul Kersey taking justice to the punks of New York and Los Angeles. First up, is seminal 1970’s exploitation “classic” Death Wish. Obviously.

Contains Creeps and Spoilers below.  Read More…

Made in Britain: Under the Skin (2014)

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Christ, I’ve been lazy. I’ve got all sorts of entertaining reviews of drivel racked up and ready to go, but I am instead going to review The Guardian’s number 1 film of last year: Under the Skin. This is billed as an erotic sci-fi horror art film, which reads to me like they put a number of movie descriptors into a hat and then drew them out until they got bored. Nevertheless, this is a film I really wanted to see last year, as I like one of the director’s previous efforts (more on this in a moment), the awesome Sexy Beast.

Contains Alien fuckmonsters and spoilers below.
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Being a responsible parent 2: Hawk the Slayer

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Seeing as I’m taking the high road and setting out to make sure that Finn can safely watch any manner of movies without untold trauma, nightmares and growing up into a serial killer, I’m taking it on myself to watch as many of the films I saw as a kid to see how “Family friendly” they are. Last time I provided sage and sound advice when confronted with Childhood classic and young mind destroyer Watership Down (Suitable for all, my arse). This time around it’s another one from my childhood: Hawk the Slayer  Read More…

The Pot of Gore: Leprechaun Origins

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As The Church of Chang’s foremost lepologist, it’s my duty to review any Leprechaun movie out there. I first heard of a new Lep movie a couple of years ago, when the production company drank in my local boozer. They had the rights and were attempting to get Warwick back to bring us some more zany high-concept Lep fun. Sadly, they lost the rights and it passed on to WWE Studios- who instantly promised to reboot the series. Alarm bells began to ring at this point, if I’m honest. Nevertheless, WWE pressed ahead, and delivered unto us Leprechaun: Origins, and it’s now my sorry duty to bury the corpse of my favourite Horror franchise.

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Halloween 2 (2009): Ending on a low note.

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It’s been long noted in the 5 years or so that we’ve been doing this that I’ll watch anything, and can usually find some enjoyment regardless of how wretched the subject matter. I’ve taken on series such as Children of the Corn that would have had the brain of a lesser man melting through boredom, and I’ve reviewed 165 schlocky low budget b-movie efforts. Therefore, when I say that I’ve struggled with this series, and damned nearly abandoned it, you get an idea about how awful this film is. I started this fucking series A YEAR AGO, and came within a gnat’s pubic hair of binning it as a rancid idea. But now I can say with some confidence that I’ve done it- I’ve now finished the Halloween films.

And it’s been a real struggle.

Contains mystifying sub-Lynchian dream sequences and spoilers below.

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Happy Belated Birthday to Us!

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Yeah, I’m shit. But hey, better late than never.

We officially passed our five year anniversary on October the 8th! So Happy Birthday to us. Read More…

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