THE UK OFFICE vs THE AMERICAN OFFICE: THE MOST USELESS POST EVER

office

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I’ve been flying a lot the last few weeks so I decided to use the time to watch some TV shows and movies that I previously wasn’t all that interested in. I did this so I could duck out on talking to my unit’s CO and XO as much as possible if they were around because they annoy the living hell out of me. Also a I didn’t want to have endless conversations with the Air Force guys because I get testy after about 2 minutes of talking about kicking ass and taking names yadda, yadda, yadda. Instead, I hid out and watched movies and TV on the laptop and that’s when I decided to do this dumb post.

I admit this is a stupid nonsense post and I’m really only doing it to see what the English folk think and I have a couple of questions that I would like to get an answers to so really the post is just an excuse for that and to be snarky for the fun of it. I realize this is an unfair comparison to do because the UK Office only had a two season run of six episodes each and a wrap-up Christmas special that took place three years after the show ended. The American Office has had a six year run with all but the first season having full order of twenty-two episodes or more so it’s not an even comparison. In the interest of fairness I’m just going to use the first 3 seasons of the American Office as a basis for this comparison. I’m throwing out the last three seasons because from the fourth one onward the show went off the rails and became a complete nonsensical farce. Yes, there were some funny episodes in those seasons but over all I stopped being interested in the American Office around then. I still watch reruns of the Office sometimes because they are almost as common as Seinfeld reruns on TV.

What I’m going to do here is compare major characters, some shared story lines, declare winners for each category then name an overall winner at the end of the post.This is a binding statement of fact for the record so all discussion will be over once and for all. Also for the record, I am totally ripping off the show Deadliest Warrior for the format of this article.

Just in case you’ve been living under rock since 2001, the plot of both shows is that they are mockumentaries about doofus office workers at fictional paper companies that have the worst bosses in the history of the world. There will be many spoilers in the comparisons so if you have not seen either show and were planning on watching them, read at your own risk.

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Michael Scott (Steve Carell) vs. David Brent (Ricky Gervais, creator and writer)

michaelvsdavid copy copy

These two characters are nearly the same on both shows. Other characters had major changes done to them but Brent and Scott are nearly carbon copies except for two major differences that will be dealt with in a moment. Both Brent and Scott are dumb, have major league cases of insecurity, are completely oblivious, socially awkward, needy, sneaky, lazy, think they are cool and good bosses, are arrogant without a shred of anything to build the arrogance on and both are world class jerks.

The two major differences between Brent and Scott are where we find the criteria for the winner. Both Scott and Brent are as slow as molasses in January but Brent is a bit smarter and somewhat more capable then Michael Scott. Basically, Michael Scott is Brick Tamland from Anchor Man and this becomes more and more apparent as the American Office progresses. I fully expect Michael Scott kill somebody with a trident in an episode soon. David Brent  is proof positive of the Peter Principle, that people rise to the level of their incompetence. One minor but important difference between the two characters is that Brent is a whole hell of a lot meaner and angrier than Michael Scott who is just pathetic and ineffectual.

The other major difference between the characters is that David Brent stays grounded within reality while Michael Scott has exploded through reality like Wile E. Coyote on rocket skates. At this point I think of Michael Scott as a high functioning Asperger’s syndrome sufferer. The writers of the American Office have made him almost unrecognizable as a human being. He’s a caricature of a human being.

WINNER: David Brent because he seems more plausible and realistic. He’s just a dumb, lonely, needy character but real.

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Jim Halpert (John Krasinski) vs. Tim Canterbury (Martin Freeman)

jim-halpert-versus-tim-canterbury

I’m calling this one upfront. Jim Halpert is the winner. I fucking loathed Tim Canterbury. I thought he was a tosser and a twat, a bully, coward and a whiner. Fuck him, he’s a pussy. Jim Halpert just seems like a regular guy. Sure he screws with with Dwight but Dwight deserves most of it and it is never as mean spirited and stupidly juvenile as what Canterbury does to Gareth Keenan.

Winner: In a rout, Jim Halpert. Fucking Tim Canterbury deserves an ass kicking for being a relentlessly whiny, dreary, douche bag man-boy pussy.

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Dawn Tinsley (Lucy Davis) vs. Pam Beesley (Jenna Fisher)

dawn-v-pam

Bear with me, this one is a bit complicated and because I’m entirely shallow it also has a lot to do with appearance.

Both receptionists have their strengths and weaknesses but what I think sets them apart is that Dawn has more of a back bone then Pam. Although both did let their previous boyfriends walk all over them before they got with Canterbury and Halpert. Now that I think about it, maybe Dawn doesn’t have more of a back bone since she stayed with Lee, who was an utter cock, far longer then Pam stayed with Roy who was just an immature goober.

So what does it come down to then? Is it the juggs? Nope, that’s a wash. Both sport big cans. Is it the body? Ummmm..maybe a slight edge to Pam but that’s debatable. Pam is better looking.  Usually a higher class English accent on a woman with a semi-low voice works for me but Dawn has an annoying mush-mouth that swallows words. Also Dawn is blond which is a demerit for her.

Winner: By the slightest of margins is Dawn Tinsley. Ask me tomorrow though I might have a different opinion. I just think that Dawn has bit more gumption and follow through. She dumped one shit bag for another fast when she finally made a choice to be with Tim “the cocksucker” Canterbury.

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Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson) vs. Gareth Keenan (Mackenzie Crook)

dwight copy This one is tougher since I find Dwight’s self involvement, rigidity and his comments about his family to be hilarious. Case in point, “I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. He killed twenty men and then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp.” I also like Gareth and his complete cluelessness (which Dwight isn’t, just mostly clueless) and I think Gareth’s awkwardness is hilarious.

Dwight and Gareth share the same desire to exercise power over others. They both think they are way smarter than they are. Both have interests in the karates but aren’t practitioners and both volunteer with organizations that give them a sense of power and authority. Dwight was a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy and Gareth is with the Territorial Army. (WTF is the Territorial Army BTW Englishers? I read up on it and I’m still confused.) They both talk endlessly about those hobbies. Lastly both are crushingly naïve and goofy as hell.

Winner: Gareth Keenan by a nose (sorry couldn’t resist.) Here’s why. If you put about 10 pounds of muscle on Gareth, give him a crew cut and dye his hair darker and if Gareth had a Boston accent, he would be my unit’s XO. I always like to throw admin under the bus especially since they’ve joyfully thrown me under under the bus lately.

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The Merger Storyline: The American Office wins this one due to getting to know the Stamford people and for introducing Andy Bernard (the nard dawg!) and Karen Filippelli. The extra episodes made the merger more interesting.

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Secondary Characters: American office wins but that’s due to having more episodes that give the secondary characters a chance to shine. Toby, Oscar, Kelly, The Temp, Kevin and especially Creed are hilarious. Where the UK office wins is having everybody hooking up constantly.

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Women of the Office: UK wins hands down in a runaway. Jennifer Taylor-Clarke, Dawn, the new receptionist (never caught her name), Rachel, Donna, David Brent’s potential girl friend, all win the day with their ability to make my pants tight.

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Chris “Finchy” Finch vs. Todd “Pac Man” Packer: Chris Finch wins mostly because he was in more episodes. If “Wacky Pack” was in more episodes, I believe he would win. Finchy also scores major points for banging the birthday chick in the parking lot and not caring about her knees hurting because of the gravel.

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The secondary love story Rachel (Stacey Roca) vs. Karen Filippelli (Rashida Jones):  Rachel wins because she has a better body and personality and she seems very very easy. Karen has a four star “get away” face but she is rather bitchy.

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The Big “Love Story”: The UK wins going away that’s because they wrapped it up in 14 episodes and didn’t draw it out in four seasons. I couldn’t care less about this story line. Rachel and Karen are hotter then Dawn and Pam.

There were some other categories but I decided to take them out to keep this from getting to long. I think I might throw them out in the Chang-Back. So here it is, the final word, on this long simmering debate which is the “better” show: The UK Office or the American version.

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The winner is: The UK Office. The reason being, it stays well within reality unlike the American version. The use of adult language, situations and themes help cement the win for the UK version by taking a more realistic approach. I do however think the American office is funnier over all but the UK Office is better.

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There we go final word on the situation.
Case closed.
Discussion over.

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david_points_640

Hey DGDB! Call me, stud. …grrrrowl…

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Xiphos

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109 responses to “THE UK OFFICE vs THE AMERICAN OFFICE: THE MOST USELESS POST EVER”

  1. Continentalop says :

    Haha! Love the final pic and tagline!

  2. Continentalop says :

    Good write up Xi.

    I haven’t seen either show. This must be rectified immediately.

  3. Droid says :

    Nice write up Xi. I can’t comment on the territorial army thing, but I always presumed it was something like the army reserves. I’m sure Jarv can explain.

    The only thing I’d strongly disagree with is your description of Tim. I really liked him as a character. Nothing he did was particularly bullying towards Gareth IMO.

    I’ve only seen the first season of THE US OFFICE and it seemed like a very average retread of the original. And that Rainn Wilson guy annoyed the bejeezus out of me. Apparantly it got better, once they got past the UK blueprint. Might take a look some day.

    Me likey Jennifer Taylor Clark. Yummy.

    • koutchboom says :

      Yeah the first season was a short season of 6 episodes which were pretty lame and mostly retreads of the British series. For starters the first episodes of both have the boss firing the secretary for stealing post-its (i think that’s the same in the British one). So if that is all you watch then yeah I can see why you gave up. Luckily I missed season one when it was on and rented it after season 2 had started, glad I did that or I probably would have never started season 2.

      But season 2 and 3 are full 20+ seasons. Really like most comedies these days season 2 is the best. Right now its really like UP and DOWN within each episode its odd. For 10 minutes its really good then the next 10 really crap. Sort of like Family Guy right now as well. Pretty sure that’s a sign that the show is dead.

  4. koutchboom says :

    Also can I give a shout out to my man Ricky Gervais for getting his next movie picked up for a direct to DVD RELEASE!!!! 2 Movies in and he’s already become the Steven Seagal of comedy.

    • Jarv says :

      Gervais shouldn’t be lead actor. He’s support. Someone needs to tell him this, because he’s fast morphing into his character out of Extras.

      • koutchboom says :

        He isn’t the star of the film, just a co-star and director. Either way hopefully this means the last of him.

      • Droid says :

        Nah, he’ll still be doing his appearances in Night of the Museum type movies.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah thats fine, no one gives a shit about those I’d rather him do that for the rest of his life. As long as he is done getting his own movies and making movies.

  5. DocPazuzu says :

    UK Office FTW — no contest.

  6. DocPazuzu says :

    Furthermore, I must say I disagree about Tim. Sure, he can be petty, annoying and overly sarky, but he feels more like a real person than Halpert, who always struck me as being too obvious a screenwritten construct meant to convey “hey, I’m just a regular, lovable guy — root for me”. Maybe I’m being a bit too personal here, but I’ve worked in places which breed the kind of contempt Tim feels for Gareth, and yes, although not proud of it, I have succumbed to being enormously petty and juvenile towards co-workers who have made my balls itch. The “You’re a cock, you’re a cock, you’re a cock” bit always makes me laugh. When Tim and Dawn finally hook up in the last few minutes of the Christmas Special, it’s one of the most satisfactory moments in television history.

    The first few episodes of the U.S. Office made me cringe in the same way people reenacting Monty Python skits do. It just seemed like a poor imitation. As for the rest of the shows, the few I’ve caught, it feels like something else entirely — although just as bad.

    My biggest fear is Hollywood trying to remake The Thick of It for American sensibilities. The levels of potential suckage in such a project boggle the mind.

    • Jarv says :

      Have you seen the new the Thick of it, Doc? It’s fucking GENIUS.

      There’s a bit in it when the MP is standing next to an election poster but the news cameras are at the wrong angle and all it looks like to the audience at home is her head next to a caption that says something like “I am bent”.

      I nearly puked laughing. Also when the chief spin doctor explodes and lists all her character faults finishing with “and you’re fucking insane too”.

  7. Jarv says :

    TA= Weekend soldier tossers.

    Basically, it’s for people that want to be in the army but don’t actually want to be in the army. Fat sales reps wonder around the countryside (in the rain)playing soldier and generally conning themselves that they’re doing something for Queen and Country. It’s the perfect thing for Gareth to do.

    Unfortunately due to Labour Government slashing of the defence bill, I think some of these clowns have seen actual service now.

    The quintessential Gareth moment that hits what a colossal dickhead he is is when he’s justifying being “milk monitor” at school. Tim’s got his number, but Gareth lacks the self awareness to realise what a fucking dick he is.

    Oh, and as a rule, I agree with you about Tim. I just want to punch him.

    • Continentalop says :

      So it is like a government funded LARP?

    • Jarv says :

      No. I didn’t explain it very well. They are, in theory, army reservists- but in a very, very sad way. However, when the Office was written, the chances of them seeing actual combat were 0. I think some of them have now.

      • Continentalop says :

        You know, not to make light of the war, but that actually would be a funny movie about a tosser who enlist in the TA in 2000-2001 to play soldier and then he is forced to ship out to Afghanistan.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck me, good idea. Someone get Steve Coogan on it:

        Gareth Cheeseman goes to Iraq.

      • Continentalop says :

        Of course if it turns out all the TAs by that time are guys who knew of the dangers there goes that idea.

        I will not play a hand in mocking people who knowingly volunteer to be part of something were their lives might be at risk (but I will accept money for the idea).

      • Jarv says :

        They didn’t used to be at risk. A friend of mine’s father was Ex-paratrooper and he was in the TA. In 15 years, the closest to action he saw was a training exercise in Wales.

      • Continentalop says :

        Between this and Alien: Apocalypse I don’t see why movie execs don’t come here more often to steal ideas.

      • Jarv says :

        Or just outright hire us.

        We’re geniuses unappreciated in our own lifetimes.

      • Continentalop says :

        I would laugh my ass off if Don Murphy did read something you posted here and then hired you.

        Of course it probably would be one of his smarter ideas if he did.

      • Jarv says :

        You’d then see the headline:

        “Hollywood Producer garotted with telephone wire by irate subordinate”.

        Reminds me of Swimming with Sharks, actually.

        Now that’s an underrated film, and I have actually worked for the equivalent of Spacey’s character in the Music Industry. Toxic little dwarf with a Napoleonic Complex and a belief that everyone has to serve “time” before getting respect.

      • Continentalop says :

        Luckily for me I never had to work for an execs where that “mailroom” mentality exist. I have had to work with guys in production who are dumber than shit and love to have power trips to cover up their stupidity and insecurity. Fuck.

      • Jarv says :

        Worst thing about them is that 90% of them were nepotistic hires.

      • Continentalop says :

        In my cases I would say “no” nepotism didn’t play a part in it. I’ve seen nepotism and while people might not be the best at least they generally understand what they are doing (they should pick it up from osmosis alone). But most of the assholes I have met in this town are truly unqualified and only got in a high position by completely bluffing and passing the blame on everyone else.

      • Jarv says :

        Still though, “connections” and shit like that surely play a part in their rise?

        Not necessarily familial nepotism, but nepotism none the less.

        I can think of one massive fucking cock-knocker in A&R (he got punched out by an artist at one point) that only got the job through the fact that he was a mate of the A&R Co-ordinator.

        Fucking A&R. Wankers- utterly useless, cowardly bastards that seem to think they’re God’s left nut.

  8. xiphos0311 says :

    Droid and Doc I’m combining an answer to both of your posts because you touch on the same person Tim Canterbury. Now guys you need to remember something here I have never worked in an office ever so I approach this from world I know. In my world if you have a serious problem(a major one you can’t hash out by talking/yelling) with somebody you either A.) Kick the shit of of them* B.) Get the shit kick out of you and C.) Then go have a beer, laugh about the “problem” that has disappeared. This method worked about 90% of the time.

    So when I see a passive aggressive asshole like Tim who can’t and won’t step up to the plate and just take a firm stand with Gareth I find it tiresome and it’s a giant pussy move the way he acts. Now intellectually I understand Tim can’t just pop Gareth one across the chops different world different rules I get that. Doing something like relentless calling Gareth on his cell to yell cock over and over was pussy move to me.(Although Gareth did deserve it at first for the douchey cell phone holster.).

    The relentless gay jokes at Gareth expense because he was too naïve to realize what Tim and Dawn were saying was another case of what I consider to be Tim’s bullying behavior. The dude is 30 years old and lives at home with mommy and daddy he’s looking to take out some aggression and sense of failure on somebody and Gareth is a perfect and easy target who asks for more then once.

    Now Halpert, on the other hand, I know this dude. I know him from the gym or from the diner I go to sometimes. I know him from some of the construction jobs I’ve worked over the years so him I get. His actions seem alright even when he is relentlessly and rightly giving Dwight all the shit he can deserves. Jim’s actions don’t have that hard edge of anger to them like Tim’s do. Mostly they just seem like a way to make the time pass.

    Lastly Canterbury is just an asshole I wanted to choke him out.

    Jennifer Taylor Clark is indeed “yummy” very very yummy.

    *this only applies almost exclusively to Sergeants and below and Sergeant these days is kind of pushing it. Things are not what they were a decade ago. You can get away with it as an upper level NCO but the person your beating on has to be of same rank and do it way away from base.

    • Jarv says :

      There is a bullying edge to what Tim does, but I’ve spent my working career (post industry) in places full of Gareth dickheads.

      So I do agree with them about him. However, by the same score I still want to punch him for being 30 and living with his parents (amongst other reasons).

      He’s a colossal douche.

    • DocPazuzu says :

      Trust me — I would have loved to just have a punch-up and then laugh about it over a beer afterwards, but like you said, bye-bye job. Besides, a punch-up wouldn’t have cured them of their douchitude.

      • Jarv says :

        This is true. I had to repay £1.50 of fucking expenses to the bean counter the other day.

        £1.50 for fuck’s sake. And she’d been nagging for it for about a week.

    • Continentalop says :

      Xi, you would never make it in the film business. It is all about eating shit every day.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        See Conti i realize that but I’ve also had an idea that I could actually turn out a better movie then anybody in Hollywood and I would use everybody from here to do it and rub it in Hollywood’s face loud and often.

        I would be Director and head writer.

        I would get you and vader to direct shit since you you have experience.

        I’d have Jarv and HOD and Danny and anybody else as writers.

        Since Pillow is a CPA and Droid works in a bank they would be in charge of the money.

        Blitz and Mike would be in charge of the music.

        Fishy would be in charge of all the art and design and things like that.

        Morbius, MILF, DocP and Bando would get producer credits or any other job they want. Same for everybody

        Here the downside. I am in charge. I know how to be in charge and I have no problem being in charge. We will work hard but have a shit load of fun but it’s my way or teh highway.

        The real heavy downside though is that Barfy will be executive producer and that means things will move with Teutonic efficiency and the icy hand of an assassin for the former East German Stassi.

        The crew would be made up of Soldiers, Airmen and Marines and some of my other friends. That way when the jerk offs from the Teamsters and the SEIU roll up with their thugs they will get their teeth fed to them the scumbags.

        The movie will come in on time on budget and win Oscars out the ass. fuck Hollywood and their BS. We can do it better.

      • Droid says :

        Since Pillow is a CPA and Droid works in a bank they would be in charge of teh money.

        Hookers and blow for all!!!!

      • Jarv says :

        Excellent. May I suggest Astrodykes v Werewolves on the Moon.

        We just need to raise $100m then get Renny on the phone. Stat.

        Casper for Buzz, by the way.

      • Jarv says :

        Huzzah!

        Droid in charge of the kitty!

      • Droid says :

        Is Casper self aware enough for Buzz? It would take someone like The Chin to pull it off I think.

      • Continentalop says :

        I’m going to respond to what you wrote down below.

      • Continentalop says :

        But first, really quickly, The Dyketective is the second feature to come from WotM productions.

      • Jarv says :

        I reckon so. He’s hilarious in the Extras on Starship Troopers 3 talking about his relationship with “Jonny Rico”.

      • Jarv says :

        Outstanding.

        Who can we find to give us $150m. I don’t think we need $100m for the Dyketective.

    • Droid says :

      Sure, a lot of Tims actions are based on frustrations he has with his situation, himself and his work. But Gareth is a complete fucking tool and deserves everything he gets. I don’t think its bullying. I don’t see it as particularly aggressive behaviour, but it is behaviour subconsciously designed to massage his own anxieties about himself and his situation. Should he have moved out of home by age 30? Coming from someone who has lived out of home from 18… Of course he should have. That, coupled with the fact that he a) didn’t leave when he said he would, making a pathetic “promotion” his excuse, and b) not taking Brent’s job and suggesting Gareth, who is the last person you’d think he would recommend, because he’s still telling himself that he’s leaving, going back to school, whatever. All these things are flaws. But that’s what makes him feel like a real person. The thing about the characters in The UK Office is that, having worked for 7 years in an office environment, each character including the peripherary characters are recognizable to me.

      I don’t know enough about the US show or the character of Jim to comment, but your comment about his bullying of Dwight as “Mostly they just seem like a way to make the time pass.” is to me, far more like bullying. I’m bored, so I’ll go pick on Dwight. Seems pretty callous and cynical to me. But that’s just going off your comments.

      To me, Tim is recognisable. I’ve known people like that, and sometimes I feel I’m like that (the staying in the job that I don’t like part in particular). And also, lastly, for Tim I think that Dawn represents the first step of getting his act together. The UK Office ends perfectly, and going forward I think Tim would have more confidence and maybe more drive to improve his situation, and if not, he’d be happier and probably less likely to take his frustrations out on Gareth.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s a really nice way of looking at it.

        Maybe I’m lucky, but in most offices I’ve worked in (the gambling one being a prime example) there were factions and I’d go for a beer with Marketing, while the Admin pool would stay together (the occasionally ambitious one would bond with us), or IT would stay together.

        So I haven’t really seen that snide side of office work.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        Droid the difference I found between Halpert and Canterbury was that while Jim messed with Dwight more(more episodes) almost all of his actions didn’t have a hard edge and a feeling of malice like Canterbury had towards Keenan.

        I hate to use the word “whimsy” but most of Jim’s jokes are sort of soft. Also Jim and Dwight are a lot more friendly then Tim and Gareth.

        Anyways that’s how I see feel free to disagree.

      • Jarv says :

        Also, if Gareth had the smarts or physical ability then he would bully Tim. This is a fact. Gareth is a vicious little cocksucker.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        That’s true Jarv he would do it in a heartbeat. hell he tried occasionally with all that section leader or whatever nonsense. He just couldn’t pull it off.

      • Droid says :

        I’d have to see the US version to either agree or disagree. But I didn’t really think there was much malice in Tim, just a lot of frustration (somewhat justifiably since Gareth is a tool).

        My old boss, who I loathed with the fire of a thousand suns, was a combination of David and Gareth. A complete fuckhead and I felt a lot like Tim when working for him. Thank fucking christ he resigned before the axe fell, which was imminent because they’d finally figured out that he was an incompetent dipshit who was being propped up by his team (a colleague and myself). He lasted as long as he did due to being a shameless kissass and taking credit for our work. And on top of that he was South African.

        Fuck I hate the bloke.

  9. xiphos0311 says :

    Who can we find to give us $150m

    I’ve got that one covered. I was planning on finding people in Hollywood that by scripts and treatments tail them until they get in a compromising position and then approach them with the pictures/video afterwards.

    I’ll just bump up the food chain. We could get the green light and funding within 2 weeks.

  10. xiphos0311 says :

    Oh I’ve had bad Officers in the past and well right now also. The problem is that bad for me is much different then what constitutes bad for you guys. There are some areas of overlap but there are more differences then not.

    Since 9/11 we have been on a constant war footing and the quality officers has changed dramatically. The change in mission has separated the wheat from the chaff and the newly commissioned don’t labor under the theoretical anymore. I have seen a marked improvement.

  11. Continentalop says :

    Xi, you are so cute when you are so naive. You forget one thing – we don’t have any money and that is what you need to make a movie.

    Of course I am being intentionally condescending as a joke (put the gun down Xi, it was a joke! I swear!), but I am going to answer your statement seriously and the truth is that people who make movies do so because they love movies. However, the people who finance movies do so because they want to make money and that is what the problem is. They don’t care about making good films they just want to make something profitable, and so they don’t care about investing in your movie because how good of idea it is, they want to know that it will be a hit. And that is why I think actually creative talent is less important in making it in the business as much as salesmanship.

    Sure after you make one or two films that are successful and highly praised people will flock to you, but first you’ve got to get noticed and you can only do that by actually getting a film made or hired onto a film, and so no matter what you need to be able to sell yourself.

    Having said that I am not scaring off anyone here who is actually trying or thinking about getting in the film business or making a movie. Just stating my opinion about how I think you have to learn how to schmooze to have a good chance making it.

    I will say honestly think that they people on this website are more qualified to make movies and have a greater chance of making something good than a lot of other people in the business. Do I think anyone here, myself included, could turn out a major hit tomorrow? No. But I do think you give anyone of us some practice (let someone write one or two scripts, direct a couple of shorts and b-movies) and that person would be ready to make a pretty good feature. That is what D-Vader is doing, and bless him for that, getting his practice in. The people on this site have something that most people don’t have in this town – an actual understanding of movies.

    Every fucking day we debate what is good or bad or why we don’t like something. We might not agree with each other, but at least I know the person I am debating knows why he or she likes a certain movie and it goes deeper than “it’s cool.” I like The Departed, Jarv hates it, but at least Jarv can break down why he hates it and what he thinks doesn’t work. This place is our Cashiers du cinema.

    I honestly think you take anyone here, give them a couple of breaks and some practice and they could make something good. Not saying it will be successful (popular taste is a tricky bitch) but I bet you they could make something that people would say was a quality movie. And in 20 or 30 years Cyborg Vampires on Mars will be doing reviews about our horribly underrated and under-appreciated that movie was.

    And then Don Murphy would show up to bitch at them.

    • Jarv says :

      Hmmm, well- that sounds very much like my Music experience. No risk taking due to the rise of MBA’s/ CPA’s to the upper echelons of the major labels as opposed to A&R/ other divisions.

      What makes it worse, and I don’t know how this applies to Hollywood, is that the majors basically swallow the indies and call them “imprints”. A prime example was the Virgin/ Emi fiasco.

      Suits are just as likely, if not more so, to make terrible decisions based entirely on the figures. A&R at EMI (cocksuckers to a man) begged the upper echelons not to do it, on the basis that Mariah Carey was strung out and it would be a financial disaster. They were overruled. EMI lost £100m and 1 suit and a lot of A&R lost their jobs.

      • Continentalop says :

        What makes it worse, and I don’t know how this applies to Hollywood, is that the majors basically swallow the indies and call them “imprints”.

        I would say “just look at Sundance.” That place has been co-opted by the studios for years now. Do actual independent films play at Sundance? Hardly ever. Almost every “independent” there has studio or an agency backing them up.
        The entire independent film movement has been absorbed by the big studios to work for them. Sure you get a Paranormal Activity once in awhile, but that is the exception. There are few truly independent films made AND distributed nowadays.

      • Jarv says :

        Exactly my point. And the vast majority of these “deals” do not make money. They’re really about eliminating competition.

        Makes it harder to start out.

      • Continentalop says :

        You really want to get technical, Hollywood doesn’t even make that many Independent movies anymore. They mostly acquire some foreign movies and distribute them so they can get a piece of the pie. A lot cheaper than taking the risk of making a Independent movie.

        Of course they don’t even really make those either. It is a negative pickup deal with “independent” producers. They got all their bets covered.

    • xiphos0311 says :

      Conti I don’t think you are factoring in just how large my drive is to fuck with Hollywood is and how much I want to show them up about being full of motherfucking shit. I know I can turn out a big time movie mostly becasue I know I won’t be making an art flick unless that’s the deal. I really want to embarrass them by using almost no professionals(the Hollywood type that is)

      I want to shove this movie down Hollywood’s throat to prove a point all the while laughing at them and their stupid pretensions. With that end point in mind I would do anything I had to to get the movie done.

      As for financing if the threat of outing or drug addiction or being a peado doesn’t work well a kind word and a gun screwed in your ear goes farther then a kind word alone.

      And with that I’m out. have a good day/night everybody.

      • Jarv says :

        Ciao.

        Have a good one.

      • Droid says :

        Take it easy.

      • Continentalop says :

        I think success is always the best form of revenge.

        I actual wrote what I did because I would love to see you at least try to show up Hollywood. I believe what someone once said (Truffaut maybe) that making a film is the best form of criticism. I would love to see you cram your ideas down Hollywood’s throat.

        I just don’t think blackmailing a bunch of people with no shame would work. And even if you put a gun to their head they are not really the ones financing the movies – the investors are.

        Studio heads got to realize they are like the DA in LA Confidential: If they go ten more will be waiting to take their place. They just won’t be coming in on a bus.

        But I stand by my earlier statement: I think anyone here could, should and can make a movie. It is far from impossible and I would love to see it happen.

      • Continentalop says :

        Also goodnight.

      • Droid says :

        Later, Conti.

      • Continentalop says :

        Actually I meant goodnight to Xi.
        I’ve got another 20 minutes,

  12. Droid says :

    I’d be interested in seeing what Koutch would come up with if someone gave him $100m and told him to go away and make any movie he wanted.

    I think the result would be the cinematic equivelant of this…

    The Homer

    • Jarv says :

      No- Live action of this

      • koutchboom says :

        You are a lot closer then the Aussie. I love Chip and Dale rescue rangers! But I’d probably make a much better movie then all of you.

      • Droid says :

        Koutch, it wasn’t literal. Think about the words “cinematic equivelant”.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I know I got it. But Jarv is a lot closer with Chip and Dale I really did love that show. If I could bring that to the big screen and not make it shitty (which would be fucking immpossible) I would do it.

      • Jarv says :

        Fucking knew it.

        I wasn’t joking.

      • koutchboom says :

        THERE’S NO CASE TO BIG NO CASE TO SMALL WHEN YOU NEED HELP JUST CALL
        CH-CH-CH-CHIP n’DALE RESCUE RANGERS!

      • Droid says :

        Well, I guess Chip and Dale is your Whacky Races. If I could figure out a way to make a Wacky Races movie starring Daniel Day Lewis as Dick Dastardly I think I’d have died and gone to heaven.

      • koutchboom says :

        Whats the name of the Aussie dude who’s not a drag queen from Priscilla Queen of The Desert? Him from back then needs to play Montaray Jack:

      • Droid says :

        Bill Hunter?

      • koutchboom says :

        Yep, thats the bloke.

      • Droid says :

        Bill Hunter is a national treasure. You pretty much can’t make a movie in Australia if Bill doesn’t agree to make an appearance.

      • koutchboom says :

        Well seeing that Priscilla Queen of The Desert is probably the greatest Australian film ever made I can understand. But he may be too old to play a live action Monty now, maybe I’ll just go the Alvin route and voice over CGI animals.

      • DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD says :

        I’d love to see a theatrical ‘Darkwing Duck’.

        When you’re in trouble you call D double U.

    • Continentalop says :

      Fuck did I just laugh at that.

      “The Koutchboom.”

  13. tombando says :

    Never have seen the British series. Hate the American one. Irritating. And Carell just grates on me. And now the danged thing is on like wallpaper ala Two and Half Men repeats or Seinfeld. The Trifecta of Doom right there. Monk repeats air the next channel over from the Office here, I get to thinking Carell could play Shalhoub’s kid brother. That’s a show I can stand though at least.

    Xiphos took one for the team to my way of thinking. WKRP time!

  14. tombando says :

    Xiphos as long as there’s some room for the Giant Robot Lions(TM) in your movie, I’m in.

    • xiphos0311 says :

      Of course there will be giant Robot Lions in the movie it’s the promise waiting to be fulfilled since 07.

      Tom You can be Giant Robot Lion wrangler if you want. You can be producer in charge of them.

      • tombando says :

        I will be sure to have the local Voltron outlet on standby for translation purposes (and a loaded crafts service table).

  15. lordbronco says :

    This article is hilarious-good one.

    Since you failed to appoint me a role in the production team, I will volunteer for a very important role: Manager of Catering Services.

    My qualifications include years of Music and Corporate Audio Visual Production Experience, not to mention my special added ingredient.

    (Hint: It’s Piss.)

    I look forward to our future professional association!

    References Available Upon Request.

    Yours,

    lb

    • xiphos0311 says :

      Sorry Bronco didn’t mean to leave you or Kliopy off the list it was an oversight on my part because it was around 0500 hrs when I typed up that long post my apologizes to the both of you. If you want to be in charge of the AV/catering either job is yours.

  16. lordbronco says :

    Conti and Jarv- a dual reply.

    Contis words are as real as it gets professionally in regards to marketing and filmmaking.

    Congratulations-everybody who read those words now actually has a Master’s Degree in Multimedia Production straight from The State Of Oregon Lord Bronco’s University Masters’s Degree Program in Multimedia Production (featuring kick-ass lectures by Professor ContinentalOp).

    I haven’t ever properly introduced myself to either of you, and a public forum may not be the best place to divulge pertinent employment qualifications.

    I can say however, that I worked 5 years in the realms of Music and Corporate A/V.

    Here’s the story:

    It was gruesomely long and arduous load-in at some ridiculously over-priced venue in a large American City.

    The set is ready awaiting executive approval.

    CEO fuckstick-I honestly don’t even knew who the fuck he was or what company he made billions of dollars with says this is great.

    I’ll have my executive assistant just settle the details for final show prep.

    It’s a statuesque but undernourished blond chick dressed in mostly black yuppie power suit couture.

    Which is fine, we see that alot on these gigs.

    Then she opens her mouth, and unleashes the most absurd list of instructions ever uttered by a human being in the entire history of the planet Earth.

    The instructions are simple and easy to follow, but are frustrating in that they involve rapidity and redundancy.

    Specifically, they are aimed at correcting slight aberrations in the site’s physical dimensions and layout vis a vis in location to certain props which are extremely important to the overall success of the very production itself.

    3 Hours progress, numbers which ring in the minds of the privately contracted service personnel as they look back kindly on the last 72 hours more or less that haven’t slept for more than 2 hours.

    It was my friend Tater who finally said something.

    Tater provided personal security services for more than 3 years in Atlanta Georgia’s nastiest punk rock bar.

    Which is not to say that Tater is a generally negative personality or person-in person. He’s a good guy most times because of his training in dealing with the most skagged-out and murderous hippie population in one of America’s toughest cities-Atlanta, Georgia.

    The Executive CEO of whatever the fuck it was has now arrived ready for the show and checks in with the subordinate.

    There is hushed consultation. Decisions are made quickly and succinctly. Judgement is Nigh.

    The crew receives the orders.

    And Tater says:

    EVERYBODY GRAB A STANCHION! WE ARE MOVING THE STANCHIONS!

    Stanchions, by the way-in case you didn’t know, are those light weight devices that look like the eco-friendly cigarette ashtrays placed outside of most respectable eating establishments.

    I describe the stanchions inaccurately though. They are Brass contrivances about a meter or two tall which are typically deployed for “Red Carpet Ceremonies” as a protective barrier to shield celebrities from adoring fans.

    They are typically deployed with velvet ropes in between them. A modern equivalent these days typically involves tastefully black nylon or canvas equivalents which you might find at your local movie theater mega-plex.

    We on the rebellious crew are actually watching these two for a reaction.

    Murder and out and out Mutiny hang in the balance, literally.

    I recall it this way, but it may not be what happened.

    Maybe we saw the words, or maybe we just heard them in our minds.

    And the stanchions were finally decided on.

    They will Stay In Their Place.

    And the engagement ended just… like… that… The crew was released from it’s duty, and lumbered up to various hotel rooms to get maybe 4 hours of sleep before the next 72 hours of show and load out.

    Why, you ask yourself, do I relate this tale at this late date?

    Because of all my years of working shows, this is the most bright, most sterling memory I have of the entire experience.

    Dear stupid wife/media liason/dumbshit secretary/recent college grad/whatever the fuck your problem was: Choke on a Bag of Dicks.

    I will and always be happy to volunteer to piss on the graves of your Parents and your Progeny in equal measure.

    So here’s to Tater.

    You sir, showed remarkable discipline and leadership when confronted with the direst of circumstances, and made the hard decisions when most others didn’t or couldn’t.

    Tater.

    Professional.

    Atlanta, Georgia.

    Born sometime in the American 1970s.

    Still Alive As far As I Know.

    • Jarv says :

      I’ve got stories like that from gigs. Some coked up wank turned up and invariably pissed the roadies off with some ludicrous last minute order.

      Cunts. The lot of them.

    • xiphos0311 says :

      Atlanta should get swallowed up by a giant sink hole that fucking place is awful. On the plus side The Coke a Cola museum is cool and so is taunting the people and lecturers at the Cyclorama of the Battle of Atlanta. Other then that…

      • tombando says :

        It’s also got that neat Giant Chicken thing too-one of the first KFC’s if I remember right? in Marietta?

  17. Hawaiian Organ Donor says :

    This article was anything but useless, Xi. I’m the first to admit I’m in love with the American version of the Office but I attribute that entirely to Dwight, Andy and supporting cast members like Kevin, Oscar and Creed. Without them the show would be unwatchable.

    And I’d be happy to write a movie for you. Actually, let me just write a set piece. It’ll be the most expensive set piece in movie history. Jarv and yourself can write a movie around it.

    • Droid says :

      Just make the whole two hour movie the set piece. No set up. No characterisation. Just balls out budget chewing set piece action.

      But leave a few million for hookers and blow please.

    • koutchboom says :

      Creed used to have a blog on the NBC website, it was funny as shit. He is what make the American version funnier then the British one for me.

    • xiphos0311 says :

      Sure HOD you can write whatever you. The point of the exercise is for a group of nonprofessionals to create a kick ass and GOOD movie then stuff it down the throats of Hollywood in the most vile and arrogant manner possible.

      The other major point of the exercise is for the writing/partying/filming of the movie takes place around great surfing and snowboarding locations around the world. This last part is for me.

  18. DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD says :

    Haha…best TAGS ever.

    If I had to choose between Steve and Ricky….yeah– I’d sooner fuck Ricky. I could totally pretend he was Liza Minnelli to keep my dick wet.

    http://bit.ly/btBx0B

    • xiphos0311 says :

      I thought you might like that Danny. That last photo had joke writen all over it.

      Gervais does look more feminine then Carell so it would be easier to keep the lead in the pencil sharp.

  19. ThereWolf says :

    Good one, Xi.

    I can’t really add anything, it’s all been said very well above. I’ve only seen the UK Office. I thought it was good but it reminded me too much of where I worked. I was seeing an episode of The Office, then next day I was going to work and I was actually IN The Office. And I didn’t want to be in it – soul destroying.

    Favourite episode is the one with Brent singing Free Love On The Freelove Freeway and Gareth starts joining in. Very funny.

    I too strongly disagree with your description of Tim. But like I say, it’s been covered above. I was that guy, bored to tears, surrounded by twats, just trying to get through the day…

    • xiphos0311 says :

      Wolf I didn’t mean to leave you off the list of jobs for the movie early morning writing fast(not a good move for me) and mistakes were made. You can of course have any job you want. Same disclaimer and job offer goes for Jonah.

      I disliked Canterbury a lot so on this one we will have to agree to disagree.

      Like I said above I’ve never worked in an Office setting like what is portrayed on the show so the way I view things about them and the people that work in them are different then an everybody’s else. Not implying better just different and the way issues are resolved in my work world is also profoundly different then everybody’s.

    • xiphos0311 says :

      Wolf you reminded me about the music. that part with Brent singing that song or his music choices for his motivational seminar were mint. unfortunately I hated that song they play at the end it took up space in my head and wouldn’t let go.

      • ThereWolf says :

        Don’t recall the other music, to be honest. I just remember that Free Love – Brent singing something like “She’s gone…” and Gareth chips in straight after him with “She’s dead…” And Brent says “She’s not dead” then goes back into the song again barely missing a beat.

        Absolute quality.

        Also, this post is, and has proved, far from useless. Well done.

      • Barfy says :

        Who’s going to do the documentary, The Filming Of…..?

  20. Barfy says :

    Barfy will be executive producer and that means things will move with Teutonic efficiency and the icy hand of an assassin for the former East German Stassi

    If you were the one that accidentally let the entire first unit wrap for the day from a location shoot at Torchy’s in Downtown L.A., as I did when I was young and dumb and first starting out, you wouldn’t stray all that far from protocol and make damn sure formalities were followed. But I’m easy going. Now where’s my riding crop?

    • xiphos0311 says :

      Key word “starting out”. Now I believe you would have zero trouble shiving a mother that needs it and leaving the body to rot in the desert. That’s the kind of commitment I need on my crew.

  21. tombando says :

    I’m sure Harold would happily ‘co-produce’ and Drew would write it if you offered free Bartles and Jaymes.

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