Tag Archive | Complete and utter shit

The Pot of Gore: Leprechaun Origins

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As The Church of Chang’s foremost lepologist, it’s my duty to review any Leprechaun movie out there. I first heard of a new Lep movie a couple of years ago, when the production company drank in my local boozer. They had the rights and were attempting to get Warwick back to bring us some more zany high-concept Lep fun. Sadly, they lost the rights and it passed on to WWE Studios- who instantly promised to reboot the series. Alarm bells began to ring at this point, if I’m honest. Nevertheless, WWE pressed ahead, and delivered unto us Leprechaun: Origins, and it’s now my sorry duty to bury the corpse of my favourite Horror franchise.

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Halloween: Resurrection. Or as I like to think of it, the series returning to form

 

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I’m sick to death of the sight of this review so I’m publishing it. Sorry about the rough state of it.

Who on earth thought this was a good idea? Come on, own up…

After the relative critical and overwhelming cash success of H20, the inevitable happened: another sequel. I’m going to go out on a limb here and state that in no way did H20 warrant a sequel. Particularly not one with Myers in it- as the Laurie Strode storyline had been completed with her grabbing a chopper (c.f Leslie Vernon) and taking it to her murderous sibling. Case fucking closed. Nevertheless, cash registers had chimed, so sequel time it was. Except this time, it was after the turn of the century, so the trend had changed. Around about 2000, give or take, a number of hidden camera/ internet/ found footage films appeared. Almost all of them (honourable exception to My Little Eye) are total garbage, but this trend was going strong, and for some reason the writers of Halloween 8 decided to incorporate Myers into it. This, frankly, is a terrible idea, but not quite as bad as the one to cast Busta Rhymes as a media mogul.

Spoilers and the deeply annoying survival of Busta Rhymes ahead.  Read More…

Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers (on any mug that’s stupid enough to watch it)

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Halloween 5 was a disaster on every level. It was a disaster for the people that made it, a disaster for the people that watched it, and a disaster for the cynical producer types that sadly had their “KER-CHING” curtailed. In fact, to be fair, a lot of the problems with Halloween 5 stem from the fact that it was originally meant to be part of a quickly released double with this film. That it tanked so hard meant that there was a serious delay between releases and therefore Part 6 was delayed by 6 years rendering Part 5 incomprehensible and boring.

That’s not the real tragedy of Halloween 6, though. The real tragedy is that once the final credits roll, there’s an in memoriam message to Donald Pleasance. This shite was his last screen appearance. Top that one, Euripides.

Contains hatred of the series and spoilers below. Read More…

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (on the audience)

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Why won’t this bloody series die? I’ve now long passed the point where I wish I hadn’t started it, and I now actively resent the increasingly boring, turgid and unimaginative dreck with The Shape, robbed of all menace, tiresomely killing identikit teenagers. Halloween 5, to my mind, should represent the nadir of the series, as surely it can’t get any worse from here.

Contains your humble reviewer suffering from a nervous breakdown due to boredom, inexplicable attempts at explaining the mythology and spoilers below.  Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: Resident Evil Retribution

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Clever title, this. In that I want retribution on everyone involved in this atrocity. I’m going to go out on a limb here and nail my colours to the mast: Resident Evil 5 is the worst film of 2012, the worst PWSAnderson film (that’s going some), and the worst Video Game Adaptation ever made. In terms of how bad it actually is, I think it’s in the same league of iniquity that houses the likes of Sucker Punch and Alien v Predator: Rectum. The failures here are so manifold that this isn’t so much a review as a shopping list of what not to do if you want to make a film, and the series now bears no resemblance at all to Resident Evil the video game. But what’s getting me down most about it, is that 5 films in it is now obvious that nobody involved gave a fuck on any level. They just took the cash and phoned in a dispiriting, repetitive, boring half-arsed movie that could only be worse if…

Actually, scratch that, I don’t think it could be worse. Even if it had been made by blind people with no opposible thumbs, this film could not be worse. As such, it’s drawn this series out of retirement for one last Hurrah.

Contains an actress actually looking embarrassed and massive spoilers below.  Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: Silent Hill Revelation

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I swore that I was never going to do another one of these after the misbegotten Mario Brothers adaptation sapped my will to live. However, when I saw Silent Hill 2 was announced, the sequel to arguably the only remotely successful adaptation, and that Solomon Kane director Michael J. Basset was helming, I resolved to not only watch it, but provide the review as a nice symmetrical bookend to this series- I started with the original so there’s a nice sense of order to finishing with the sequel. So, is this series going out with a bang or a whimper?

Contains strange pink rabbits and severe spoilers below. Read More…

Fuck the Occupy movement. Jarv gets supremely bored by, and then incredibly pissed off at, COSMOPOLIS

Droid nailed this down as the worst film of 2012. While I have seen some of the other mentioned stinkers, and think that the worst film of last year was the incomparably awful Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, he is right about how “good” it is. Cosmopolis is a rotten, awful, pretentious, pompous movie, and lord knows what it is doing as part of Cronenberg’s canon. It’s winding me up a bit actually, because having found a bit of form with History of Violence and Eastern Promises, he seems to be luxuriating in the kind of tiresome crap that he wouldn’t have gone anywhere near in the 80’s. Following on from the disappointing Freud nonsense, Cosmopolis is another let down, and I’m hoping he’s not about to enter another fallow period.

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Jarv’s 2012 retrospective part 2: The worst that I reviewed

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Having gone through my 2012, it appears that not only have I watched an awful lot of films, but I’ve also reviewed an awful lot. Unfortunately, given the content of the average film that I review, the vast majority of them have been middling to downright awful.

Just to explain quickly: I have a number of open-ended series running: the Schlock Vault, The Underrated, and Made in Britain. However, I do also intersperse these with other closed series such as the inevitable Birthday Series (note to self, finish this), and various horror franchises. The long running categories, particularly the Vault, provide the vast majority of my 2012 reviews, and these also provide the vast majority of the absolute dogs that I’ve seen. Which isn’t a shock given the nature of the beast and the focus on B-movies.

Anyhow, with no further ado, here are the “bottom 10” pieces of shit that I watched in 2012, with a wee capsule review of them.  Read More…

Misfits Season 4 or Why can’t I quit you?

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*Sigh*

See, it promised me. It said that it was because of the Overman. However, intensive therapy had made it realise that the Overman made it crazy, and as such it would never touch the Overman again.

I’d heard these promises from E4’s Misfits before, but somehow I just knew that this time would be different. It was free of the Overman, after all, and furthermore the love story was finished so we could just move on with a clean slate. It asked me to remember the good times, the laughs we had shared, the fun we had had, and as such, I really owed it that one more chance.

Unfortunately, the leopard doesn’t change his spots and it is still hooked on the Overman. Howard Overman, to be precise. Which means that what we have here is a super powered chav story, where our main characters don’t use their powers for the most part.  Read More…

Made in Britain: Kill Keith

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I am sure I’ve ranted about this before, but if there’s one genre that we really are atrocious at in the 21st Century, then that’s  comedy. We’re turning out classy horror after classy horror, have a nice line in gritty action and are all over misery porn, but since Shaun of the Dead, I can’t honestly think of a worthwhile comedy. Not one. This is astonishing, because we have a strong legacy with comedy (if you ignore most of the Carry on Films) dating all the way back to Ealing in the 30’s. Yet, something in the 21st Century seems to have gone pear shaped, and every comedy I’ve seen is about as funny as an Aussie DJ’s prank phone call. So, when Kill Keith landed on my doorstep, despite me knowing next to nothing about it, I wasn’t particularly hopeful, in fact, all I wanted was that someone was actually going to kill Keith Chegwin. Preferably messily.

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