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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Tales of an Ancient Empire

Only half…

Christ it’s bloody dusty in here. I guess we should have invested in that maid service after all…

Tales of an Ancient Empire is the sequel to The Sword and the Sorcerer, a frankly ludicrous piece of 1980’s sword and sandal cheese with one of the simultaneously daftest but also most awesome weapons that this weird little subgenre produced. In all honesty, none of these films, bar the first Conan, are what you’d call actually good but a few of them, Beastmaster, Hawk the Slayer, Krull, TSATS etc, did aspire to highly entertaining cheese. And due to ratings laxity (because 1980’s) invariably slipped an awful lot of adult content into the fragile retinas of young kids. Such as me.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Maximum Overdrive

Maximum Overdrive Posetr

Fucked if I know, Bubba. Fucked if I know.

It’s been a while since I did a Vault review as I’ve been attempting to be a bit classier in terms of my viewing choices. However, having said that, I did decide to launch an apocalypse series and stupidly asked for suggestions below the line. Amongst all of them, Maximum Overdrive stood out as something I’d always meant to watch but never really got round to. So, up it came, and having watched it, it’s not apocalypse material, but it does fit right in to the Vault as a massive, cheesy, lump of unashamed Schlock.

Contains death by coke machine and spoilers below.  Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Machete Kills


Machete don’t tweet


Jarv’s rating: Approved, by the slimmest of margins. Actually manages to be better than the original, but not great overall, and toning down the nudity? What the fuck?

It’s been a good while since I’ve done a vault review, or even watched anything that would qualify as worthy of the vault, so this one may be a little rough round the edges. I’d even forgotten how I used to lay these reviews out when I started, so had to go back and have another look. *shudders* I really have watched some absolute rubbish over the years, but in amongst that mess I’ve had nothing but contempt for modern exploitation and have singularly bitched each and every one of them out that I’ve reviewed. Ranging from the deeply repellent (Nude Nuns or Hobo With a Shotgun) to the deeply boring and underpowered (Cherry Bomb), this misbegotten Tarantino spawned subsection of cinema struggles to produce anything remotely decent and seems to be thankfully going the way of the dodo. However, I suspect that the most successful iteration of it, Danny Trejo’s unstoppable Machete, may still have one last hurrah left in him before the “movement” ends.

Contains Carlos Estevez and Spoilers below Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Night of the Lepus

Night of the Lepus poster

Having hopped back on the terrible film horse last week with the bloody silly Street Warrior, I thought I’d go back in time in the Vault to dig out one of the absolute classics of rancid cinema. I’m not feeling brave enough for exploitation, or anything remotely rapey, at the moment, which ruled out an awful lot of the obvious choices. Instead, I feel a need to watch something nicer, something fluffier, maybe about an utterly innocuous threat that can be heartily laughed at without feeling ill afterwards. With this in mind, I dug up a long lost “classic”: 1972’s piece of epic stupidity Night of the Lepus.

Contains cute twitching noses and spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Street Warrior

Street Warrior Cover

*cautiously opens door of vault*

It’s scary in here, and there’s definitely a funny smell. Possibly of hope dying. This explains why I’ve not reviewed anything in a long time. Heh.

Actually, I’ve just been lazy, to be honest. Nevertheless, I am still watching rubbish hoping to sift out nuggets of gold, just most of what I’ve seen hasn’t really been worth a review. For example, I have literally nothing of interest to say about Metamorphosis (1989) other than “shit film, but funny to see an early cameo from Barney the Dinosaur”. I have got forthcoming reviews of some gold such as Chainsaw Cheerleaders (and Ninja Cheerleaders if I can ever find it) coming soon, but in the meantime here’s a brief review of 2008’s alleged underground fighting film Street Warrior.  Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Boston Girls


Slam Pig! 

I have genuinely come to the conclusion that modern exploitation films tend to be hideous. It is true, though, that almost all exploitation has been awful, with only a few gems standing out from the crowd, but the difference was that the 1970’s films were attempting to overcome limitations imposed on them by budget, talent, time and so forth and there were a few that genuinely transcended their lowly origins. Whereas 21st Century exploitation has none of the limitations the 70’s film makers had to overcome, and instead intentionally makes the films shoddy, grainy and more seriously unpleasant than they had to be. It was with this in mind that I decided to inflict Boston Girls on myself, and I didn’t have a lot in the way of hope for it.

Contains cack handed faux feminism and spoilers below  Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Forget Me Not


Who’s Chad? He’s the pretty boy you fucked yesterday!

This is quite funny. When I found this lurking in Lovefilm’s watch now section, I thought Forget Me Not was obvious schlock vault fodder. And it is. But what’s amusing is that I’d had exactly the same thought back in October last year, and watched half the film to, erm, totally forget about it and thus fail dismally to watch (let alone review) the second half. I’m a genius- forgetting about the existence of a film called Forget Me Not. Anyway, such is my dedication to the vault, I thought I’d give it a spin anyway.

Contains a wonderfully trashy chick, shit ghosts, and spoilers below Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Grabbers!


Get away from him you CUNT!

Beer: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems. Even up to inexplicable squid beasts that crawl off the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

There was no way in hell I wasn’t going to love Grabbers. It’s set in Ireland, stars Richard Coyle, who I like from Coupling on the BBC years ago, and features alcohol prominently. Not to mention that it also has giant inexplicable tentacle beasts with a severe attitude problem. Seriously, throw in some gratuitous nudity and a midget or two and I’m in heaven. That it’s also quite a good little film, certainly one that transcends its pathetic budget, is merely a bonus. It does also feature that twat from Being Human sporting a terrible Upper Class English accent, but you can’t have everything.

Contains dipsomania and spoilers below

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Candy Stripers

CAndy Stripers Cover

We’re running out of patients!

I’m going to break out the world’s smallest violin here.

I was due to spend this Christmas with my family in Scotland. This, at the best of times, is a horrifying prospect, involving arguments, enough Scotch to kill a small island, more arguments, shite food and I have to take the train for the privilege. However, due to a contact lens related disaster, I had to disembark the train at Newcastle and go to casualty. The lens had gone bad, and had sealed itself to my eye. As such, it had gouged the surface of my cornea, and I couldn’t get the bastard out. Anyhow, the Doctor removed it (made a sound like velcro when he took it out), gave me a telling off, and made me come back in the next day (Christmas Eve).

So, what has this got to do with a shady little B-Movie? Simple, he prescribed me three sets of eye drops and ordered me to stay up 24 hours putting them in every hour on the hour. This would, I felt, be a challenge as I was bound to be half cut and ready for bed. There was but one solution: watch any old bollocks on TV and hope for the best. So, at 2AM on 24th December, your humble narrator was sitting in a severely uncomfortable chair, shivering in a room with no heating watching Candy Stripers on The Horror Channel. This is by far the most stringent test that I’ve ever put a schlock vault entry through. The goal was simple: Candy Stripers had to be entertaining enough to stop my dozing off.  Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Girls Gone Dead

Just when you thought it was safe to go topless

Anyone out there who doesn’t know what a “Girls Gone Wild” video is? Seriously? Well in a nutshell, it’s a gift of a premise to base a slasher movie on. Basically, these videos consist of the recordings of enterprising filth merchants who trawl around the big Spring Break destination persuading attractive, and completely inebriated, college girls to take their tops off for the camera. Hell, half the time they don’t even have to be that attractive. Anyhow, what we have here is an attempt by a slightly less enterprising filth merchant called Michael Hoffman Jr to apply this idea to a slasher template.

Should be solid gold titties, eh?

Contains drunk chicks and inadvertent hard to spot spoiler below

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