Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Sand Sharks

They’ll come like a porker at a cupcake buffet.

There’s a new rising star of Sciffy big animal eating people nonsense. Seriously, I’ve just decided, based entirely on watching Sand Sharks, that Brooke Hogan has a potentially great career ahead of her in this type of nonsense. She’s a terrible actress, don’t get me wrong, and Sand Sharks is a fundamentally very silly film indeed, but I think this may be the big fish eating people film that I’ve got the most enjoyment out of for a long time. It’s, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, intentionally very very funny on more than one occasion.

Contains SHARKS IN THE FUCKING SAND and spoilers below.

This is genuinely the title credit of the film. Isn’t that awesome?

I am genuinely astonished that the Beard didn’t come down on this film like a ton of bricks. He’s got form for legal action against films that are too close to Jaws, and let’s be honest here, Sand Sharks is almost beat-for-beat a Jaws rip off. Which, I feel, is actually a good thing.  Seriously, if you’re going to have a stab at the hungry fish genre, then Jaws should clearly be required watching, and anyone with half a brain should use as much of Jaws in your film as you can possibly get away with.

SAND SHARK! Or is that SURF SHARK! Who can say?

White Sands is an island in economic trouble. There is no chance of employment and the local businesses are circling the drain. Unfortunately, it’s also being plagued by inexplicable decapitations. A dune biker lost his head, and it looks to the Sheriff (Eric Scott Webb) that a shark did it. Unfortunately, they’re nowhere near the sea. Enter Jimmy (Corin Nemec) local bad boy who legged it from the island and his true love Brenda (Vanessa Evigan- Briani’s sister). He has a plan to save the Island, and that’s to throw a big beach party called “The Sandman” festival.  The cops aren’t so sure this is a good idea, so call in Shark Movie Scientist Sandy (hehehehehe), played by Brooke Hogan (Seriously, I shit you not, she’s a MOVIE SCIENTIST!). In the meantime, the Sharks go to town on the kids, before Jimmy calls in Quint Angus to deal with them. Cue carnage, hilarity and messy deaths galore complete with terrible CGI. Oh, and incidentally, the big “party” turns out to be 30 odd kids listlessly dancing on the beach.

Brooke Hogan. Scientist.

 This is one pun-tastic film. Sandy, ffs! That’s just the start though, as the film is laced with dialogue such as “I’m drawing a line in the sand” and so forth. This is initially quite funny, but by the time “Don’t bite my head off”, and you’ll never guess what follows that, it becomes a bit wearying. Nevertheless, the characters are quite well drawn, particularly Jimmy’s entourage of Erin (Hilary Cruz) and Amanda (Gina Holden) both of whom would grace the crew of the USS Metalstorm (The Astrodykes ship, when we ever write  it). Hogan, incidentally, wouldn’t as she resembles her dad but with tits, and this is frankly disturbing. Funny, but disturbing.

What’s brilliant is that they pay no attention to the size of these sharks- so on occasion the dorsal fins almost cross. It’s hilarious.

As I’ve said Sand Sharks is a flagrant Jaws rip-off. It’s so obvious actually, and so brazen, that it strikes me as a stroke of minor genius to transplant a ludicrous concept such as land sharks to Spielberg’s masterpiece. It’s also minimal budget, so the CGI is schwonky as hell, but I don’t think this matters. The film is clearly aware of its limitations, so instead is wilfully and gleefully stupid. It’s actually hilariously entertaining on more than one occasion, and the melting glass finale is a masterpiece of dumbhouse.

This is one of those pictures worth 1000 words.

Half the credit here goes to the script- which plays up to the Jaws rip off to such an extent that I almost think it may be a parody. I nearly howled with laughter at the “You’re going to need a bigger beach” line, and who can pick on a film with a character who has the balls to actually say “Don’t go getting all Roger Corman on me” . The rest of the credit here goes to the actors and in particular Hogan. Yes, she’s clearly dumb as a rock, but she has a valiant stab at the science-y dialogue. but most importantly she’s having an absolute riot. Her delivery of the “Shark Crack” line at the climax of the film is absolutely spot on and I am now going to go out of my way to get hold of Two Headed Shark Attack, which promises to be more of the same nonsense.

The look on his face is genius. Anyone would think he’s just seen a Sand Shark.

Overall, this is a winner. Yes, I was pissed when I watched it, but I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It could have done with some gratuitous nudity, because that’s the kind of thing that always improves these films, and the effects could have used more practical rather than CGI, because that always improves these kind of films as well, but all in all there’s not a lot to carp about. Seriously, this is a film about Sharks that can swim in sand terrorising an island that can only be rescued by Hulk Hogan’s daughter playing a movie scientist. There really was no way I wasn’t going to approve this one.

 

Until next time,

Jarv.

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

29 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Sand Sharks”

  1. Xiphos0311 says :

    Look I know this is a dumb question but do they give a reason as to how sharks breath in sand? Also there isn’t any nudity in this? That borders on fail.

    • Jarv says :

      Nope. They don’t even try.

      On the nudity:

      Yes, I know, but do you honestly, really honestly, want to see Brooke Hogan naked? I don’t- it’s disturbing how much she looks like her dad.

  2. MW says :

    Sounds gleefully bad. But I’ve gotta know! How can fish breathe in sand??!!

  3. tombando says :

    Nothing to carp about? Sounds fishy to me. Where they paying the actors scale you think? That old guy looked hard of Herring. And am sure the score was outta tuna. I got a million of’em.

  4. tombando says :

    This sounds great by the way Jarv. Must…see….movie….yes..

  5. Tim The Film Guy says :

    I do love me a good B movie, hopefully you didn’t like it just because you were pissed haha 😀

  6. ThereWolf says :

    I’ll need to be ruined watching this, otherwise I’ll never get past the ‘how the fuck do they breathe in sand?’ question. The fact that they don’t even bother trying to answer that is hilarious in itself. I mean, are they sharks in the conventional sense, or merely shark-like?

    Might have a go at this at some point.

    Nice one, Jarv.

  7. Droid says :

    Somehow I don’t think I’d be quite able to match your level of enthusiasm, were I to watch this. These movies never work as well as they should for me.

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