Tag Archive | Schlock

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Maximum Overdrive

Maximum Overdrive Posetr

Fucked if I know, Bubba. Fucked if I know.

It’s been a while since I did a Vault review as I’ve been attempting to be a bit classier in terms of my viewing choices. However, having said that, I did decide to launch an apocalypse series and stupidly asked for suggestions below the line. Amongst all of them, Maximum Overdrive stood out as something I’d always meant to watch but never really got round to. So, up it came, and having watched it, it’s not apocalypse material, but it does fit right in to the Vault as a massive, cheesy, lump of unashamed Schlock.

Contains death by coke machine and spoilers below.  Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Girls Gone Dead

Just when you thought it was safe to go topless

Anyone out there who doesn’t know what a “Girls Gone Wild” video is? Seriously? Well in a nutshell, it’s a gift of a premise to base a slasher movie on. Basically, these videos consist of the recordings of enterprising filth merchants who trawl around the big Spring Break destination persuading attractive, and completely inebriated, college girls to take their tops off for the camera. Hell, half the time they don’t even have to be that attractive. Anyhow, what we have here is an attempt by a slightly less enterprising filth merchant called Michael Hoffman Jr to apply this idea to a slasher template.

Should be solid gold titties, eh?

Contains drunk chicks and inadvertent hard to spot spoiler below

Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Spirit Camp

Never underestimate the power of cheer!

Back when I reviewed Bring it On for my birthday series, I seriously spent a large amount of time fantasising about what if this vacuous crap was actually a slasher movie and a big lug in a melted William Shatner mask would jump out and slaughter the cast of single-dimensional tarts in the film. And lo, as if by magic, someone called Kerry Beyer heard my prayers and decided that he would reinvigorate the tired slasher genre by, er, remaking Friday 13th but with a camp full of cheerleaders.

This should be joyous, surely?

Contains an inexplicably large dildo and spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Cherry Bomb

You had your cherry popped

This should be gold.

Yes, that’s right, I’m wallowing in the grimy pit of modern grindhouse again, because I clearly haven’t learned my  lesson from recent fiascoes such as Hobo with a Shotgun, Nude Nuns with Big Guns and so forth. Given my utterly atrocious track record picking films from this sad and benighted genre, you’d think I would have stopped. Except I keep seeing exceptional posters for them, such as the one above, and I instantly forget about the maxim “never judge a book by its cover”. In my defence, though, this is billed as a rip-roaring revenge tale about a stripper on the warpath, which does sound right up my alley.

Contains an enormous hitman with an inexplicable afro and spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Sand Sharks

They’ll come like a porker at a cupcake buffet.

There’s a new rising star of Sciffy big animal eating people nonsense. Seriously, I’ve just decided, based entirely on watching Sand Sharks, that Brooke Hogan has a potentially great career ahead of her in this type of nonsense. She’s a terrible actress, don’t get me wrong, and Sand Sharks is a fundamentally very silly film indeed, but I think this may be the big fish eating people film that I’ve got the most enjoyment out of for a long time. It’s, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, intentionally very very funny on more than one occasion.

Contains SHARKS IN THE FUCKING SAND and spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Dollman

Back off or I kill a fat lady!


There’s no chance a film with top-notch dialogue like that is ever going to get a negative review from me. There’s even less chance when it’s a classic Full Moon production starring Tim Thomerson. Moreover, there’s no chance at all when said stupid film is about an intergalactic cop trapped in the Bronx chasing a disembodied head who is armed with a dimensional bomb. Particularly not when said villainous cranium is called “Sprug” and the intergalactic cop is called Brick Bardo. That he may as well be called Trooper Jack Deth is neither here nor there, frankly, as I don’t care about such quibbles.

Contains tiny police officers with the most powerful gun in the multiverse and spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Sorority Row

Cassidy: I know, how inconvenient. Why couldn’t Ellie have had a nervous breakdown tomorrow? 

Jessica:You know Cassidy, your sarcasm makes you sound like a bitch. And nobody likes a bitch. 

Usual qualifying claim: While I think this is crap, the missus did really enjoy it, and it clearly isn’t as bad as some of the other remakes out there.

This remake trend really has to stop, and the sooner the better, frankly. I cannot think of one reason for Sorority Row to exist, given that it’s a remake of some crap 1970’s slasher movie that I’ve never even heard of, and the concept isn’t exactly high. This is, you guessed it, another of the identikit slashers out there, such as the absolutely awful Prom Night remake, or the even more reprehensibly awful When a Stranger Calls remake, that do not serve any purpose whatsoever. In the case of Sorority Row, though, it isn’t anywhere near as bad as those two previous examples, and the makers of it did at least understand what we want from Slashers for the most part: inventive deaths, boob, and the odd chuckle. Pity they nobbed it with an indescribably stupid ending with a twist that is astonishingly contrived and almost insulting to the intelligence.

To paraphrase the erudite Wolf: may contain pillow fights and spoilers below Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Chopping Mall.

I’m just not used to be chased around a mall in the middle of the night by killer robots. 

Some concepts are just so ripe for cheesy entertainment. Take, for example, Chopping Mall. The formula is very, very easy and runs something like this: choose isolated location, which is extremely difficult to get out of. In this instance, a Shopping Mall after hours. Then, choose a group of young, hot protagonists, who all must be willing to disrobe at a moments notice. Find a reason for them to be stuck in the aforementioned location, say, a party in a closed furniture shop (which incidentally provides beds and whatnot for them to get down and dirty in). Finally add your unstoppable antagonist, which is manifested here in the form of three squat, homicidal and overly armed security robots. This formula is absolutely unfuckupable, and even someone with the very limited talents of Jim Wynorski should be able to manage to turn in a hugely entertaining film. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Komodo v Cobra

If I had brought my guitar, we could all sing Kumbaya. 

I love these big dopey “improbably large and hungry creature fights another equally improbably large and hungry creature”. I love the sheer randomness of the opponents. For example, are octopi and sharks really natural enemies? I think not. In this case, the title fight is between a large Komodo dragon, native of the south pacific, and an even bigger King Cobra, native of, er, India, I think. Or it may be Africa somewhere, anyway naturalism isn’t my strong point and all that matters is that it’s nowhere near the giant lizard’s natural habitat. Therefore this strikes me as unlikely that these two animals would ever face off, even were they to be trapped on a small island in Polynesia and fed nothing but cardboard for two weeks. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Evil Aliens

New Year is traditionally a time for cleaning the slate, starting unrealistic resolutions that will be defunct by February at the latest (I’m talking about you, winter joggers), and wallowing in the misery of a monstrous and unpayable credit card bill. However, here in the vault, I make no promises other than that I will continue on in 2012 watching the mountain of utter rubbish that I sat through in 2011 in the hope of sifting out a few pearls from an awful amount of pig poo. So, given that I want to start the New Year in a little bit more style than I finished the old one, here’s the first entry in 2012’s Schlock Vault: Evil Aliens. Read More…