Tag Archive | hilarious

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Sand Sharks

They’ll come like a porker at a cupcake buffet.

There’s a new rising star of Sciffy big animal eating people nonsense. Seriously, I’ve just decided, based entirely on watching Sand Sharks, that Brooke Hogan has a potentially great career ahead of her in this type of nonsense. She’s a terrible actress, don’t get me wrong, and Sand Sharks is a fundamentally very silly film indeed, but I think this may be the big fish eating people film that I’ve got the most enjoyment out of for a long time. It’s, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, intentionally very very funny on more than one occasion.

Contains SHARKS IN THE FUCKING SAND and spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Dollman

Back off or I kill a fat lady!

Hehehehehe.

There’s no chance a film with top-notch dialogue like that is ever going to get a negative review from me. There’s even less chance when it’s a classic Full Moon production starring Tim Thomerson. Moreover, there’s no chance at all when said stupid film is about an intergalactic cop trapped in the Bronx chasing a disembodied head who is armed with a dimensional bomb. Particularly not when said villainous cranium is called “Sprug” and the intergalactic cop is called Brick Bardo. That he may as well be called Trooper Jack Deth is neither here nor there, frankly, as I don’t care about such quibbles.

Contains tiny police officers with the most powerful gun in the multiverse and spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Color of Night (1994)

Hehehehehehe. To quote the not-forgotten monkey: BOOBS, ASS, MINKY! FTW!

Color of Night (release date 19th August in the USA) is a monumentally dumb film, so dumb in fact that it forgot the definite article at the start of its title. It’s also a hilarious one, but don’t let that distract you from the fact that on almost every level this is a cinematic stinker, a borderline skin-flick with a plot that would get laughed out of even the worst airport fiction. It’s so blazingly and crushingly inept, actually, that it doesn’t belong here and should live in the vault along with the other dregs of cinema. That it doesn’t is that it was directed by Oscar Nominated Richard Rush, and stars (check this out) Bruce Willis, Jane March (who incidentally, and quite understandably, hates it), Lesley Ann Warren, Scott Bakula, Brad Dourif, Ruben Blades, Lance Henriksen, Eriq LaSalle and Kathleen Wilhoite. Holy shit, what a cast, and what a fucking laughably awful film. I think the best word for it is “risible”.

Absolutely under no circumstances does this contain Bruce Willis’ cock, but it may contain spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Pterodactyl

Special agent Jarv here. License to watch and be rude about utter garbage. This time around, I kindly asked Droid what else he had on those tapes with the marketing douchebags, because he only listened to the MI2 bit, and I was curious what else was on there. In a strange aligning of the stars moment, it turns out that the producers for Pterodactyl also used that meeting room. What a freak stroke of luck. Anyhow, here’s the transcript: Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Evil Aliens

New Year is traditionally a time for cleaning the slate, starting unrealistic resolutions that will be defunct by February at the latest (I’m talking about you, winter joggers), and wallowing in the misery of a monstrous and unpayable credit card bill. However, here in the vault, I make no promises other than that I will continue on in 2012 watching the mountain of utter rubbish that I sat through in 2011 in the hope of sifting out a few pearls from an awful amount of pig poo. So, given that I want to start the New Year in a little bit more style than I finished the old one, here’s the first entry in 2012’s Schlock Vault: Evil Aliens. Read More…

The walk of shame. Jarv reviews Prom Night 2: Hello Mary Lou.

The interesting thing about Slasher movie series is that continuity is a dirty word. For example, the Leprechaun zooms around the world, stops in space and finishes up in Compton, not to mention that he has different rules and a different personality in each film. Friday the 13th bends continuity over and treats it to some special kind of loving, while Halloween does things to the character and story in the sequels that are probably illegal even in Holland. So, is it wise to expect Prom Night 2:  Hello Mary Lou to follow any standard of continuity whatsoever, to make any sense at all, and to have even the slightest thing to do with the competent but totally dreary film that spawned it? The short answer to this question is no. The slightly longer answer is “fuck no”, and read on for the full length answer.  Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Vampire Girl v Frankenstein Girl

“Dicing ones daughter is true happiness!”

“Doctor, that’s kind of dodgy”

Jarv’s Rating: 3 Changs out of 4. Madder than a box of frogs and so much fun it should probably be illegal. Easily the most enjoyable piece of schlocky trash to crawl its way out of the vault in a long, long time.

I have to be absolutely honest up front about this: there was absolutely no way that I was ever going to be able to resist the charms of a film with a title as thoroughly stupid as that, and I also (whisper it quietly) actually like Tokyo Gore Police, so chances are Vampire Girl v Frankenstein Girl was always going to be on to a winner with me. That it also happens to be a gleefully schlocky film, and to have no pretensions higher than B-movie at best is just a happy bonus as far as I am concerned.  Read More…

Jarv’s Favourite Books. Lucky Jim by Kingsley Amis

It’s been a while since I delved back into my extensive library. Not sure why, really, other than that I was vacillating over which book to do next. Part of me thought that I’d review one of the more difficult Murakami books, and I did want to cover The Bonfire of the Vanities, but Droid’s just started reading it. However, in the end, Kingsley Amis’ debut novel, Lucky Jim, was looking at me on the shelf, and the choice was just obvious.  Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Bride of Re-Animator

This morbid doodling with human body parts… is this what it’s all about? Is this what all our great work has led to?

Jarv’s Rating: 3 Changs out of 4. This is how you fucking do it: completely loopy, rock-solid slice of deep-fried gold that mashes classical horror references in with some of the most gleefully demented insanity in any horror sequel.

Let’s be absolutely crystal clear from the word go: Bride of Re-Animator has about as much to do with H.P. Lovecraft as Silvio Berlusconi has to do with chastity and honesty. There was plenty of room at the end of the original classic Re-Animator to totally justify a sequel, and in 1990 Brian Yuzna took up the reins and returned with the full surviving cast (and a few undead ones) to Stuart Gordon’s finest hour. Except this time, the decision was made to go for a full-blown comedy. Actually, the film this most reminds me of is Frankenhooker, it’s got the same gleeful sense of stupidity as that film and it could quite easily have been made by Henenlotter- it’s got his sensibilities running right through it. Bride of Re-Animator is, simply put, an absolutely stupendous piece of schlock, a gore filled gigglefest that even the most po-faced gorehound could find some enjoyment in. Oh, and it features notorious decapitated undead cunt Dr. Hill- except this time it features Dr. Hill 2.0: with added cuntishness and bat wings. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Frankenhooker

Medical schools upset me, mother – I’m anti-social – I’m becoming dangerously amoral.


Jarv’s Rating: 3 Changs out of 4. Fucking hilarious, grade-A piece of schlock. A wickedly stupid premise, with enough laughs to keep the average schlock-hound in hysterics almost the entire time and enough twisted ideas to keep psychoanalysts extremely busy.

Frank Henenlotter needs more work. Honestly, I know this sounds daft, but the man has made only 10 films- of which the 5 that I’ve seen with one exception are all absolutely brilliant pieces of hilarious schlock. This is the man who unleashed the crazed Siamese twin Belial on the world in the stupendous Basket Case trilogy, thereby introducing humanity to the extremely funny idea of mutant rubber sex. Alright, the third Basket Case one was a bit of a stinker, being about Mutant Rubber Obstetrics, but despite not getting anywhere near the level of the first two, it was so gleefully inventive that it was extremely likable. Frankenhooker was made around about the same time as the 2 Basket Case sequels in 1990, and I can honestly say that I haven’t enjoyed a piece of trash as much as this in a hell of a long time.

Where to begin, where to begin….

Read More…