The Birthday Series – The Collector (2009)

Droids Birthday Series 2009 This is probably the single dumbest idea I’ve come up with yet. My birthday is due to roll around on August 2nd and against all sense and reason I have decided to do a review series based around that date. Essentially, counting backwards, I will review a film from every year I have graced this ball of mud with my presence. The criteria is simple. The film has to have been released on, or as close to August 2nd as possible. I have to choose the closest to that date, no matter if I loathe the film or not. Luckily for me, there is usually more than one viable option. And lets all bow before the Flying Spaghetti Monster for that, because I have managed to avoid the staggeringly awful ‘Spawn’ in 1997. Phew! But I have not always been lucky. There are more than a few absolute dogs in this series. And we just need look no further than…

The Collector Poster

Fuck this movie. What a lousy way to start a review series. ‘The Collector’ is a unrelenting test of a persons will to sit through ninety minutes of stupefyingly pointless unpleasantness. If it weren’t for the fact that I knew I had to review this fucking garbage, I’d have lowered my finger of doom (which hovered about three millimetres away from the stop button for 89 minutes).

The Collector 2

Puff puff pass you a-hole!

There is no fucking plot, so I’ll describe the brief set up. Arkin (Josh Stewart) is a labourer working on a well to do families house. He’s in need of some quick cash because his bitch of a wife has unexplained debts to bookies and must pay by midnight. Luckily Arkin is also a safe cracker and in cahoots with some thug he met in prison. He’s been “casing the family for months”, because they have some rare, valuable rock stashed away in the safe. Because of the imminent deadline, he pushes the thug to do the job that night, so he can get paid straight away. Arkin breaks in to the home, as the family has left on a “family vacation”, but wouldn’t you know it, when he gets in he finds the whole house is booby trapped and Mum and Dad are being hacked apart in the basement by some cretin that I think is supposed to look like a bug or something. I make the connection because of the seemingly thousands of lingering shots on various icky spiders, cockroaches and wasps. Arkin can’t get out because all the exits are booby trapped and he has to navigate his way around the house without being detected (which he does with ridiculous ease), and try to save the family, as well as himself.

The Collector 5

I wonder how many God of War boobies I can fondle before Mrs Jarv gets home?

To put it bluntly, I fucking loathed this movie. This is the type of shit I usually avoid like AIDS. It comes as no surprise to find that ‘The Collector’ was originally intended as a prequel to ‘Saw’. Yeah, like we really need that. After I’d resigned myself to the fact that I had to watch this, I decided to give it a chance. It literally took the opening credits to shit me off. It’s nauseatingly edited and features loud thumping doof doof music of the kind you’d get subjected to if Pantera decided to branch into doof doof. It’s hideously ugly to look at. It’s purposefully grimy and it’s shot like a really crap music video which just adds to the unpleasantness.

The Collector 4

C’mon lady! It’ll only hurt for a second!

The writing in this film is utter shit. This is torture porn at it’s worst. It’s literally all a set up so that the talentless dickheads who made the film can sustain sixty plus minutes of punishing it’s characters. There is never any explanation of who the guy in the mask is. There’s some horseshit yelled by a character that he “collects people”, but what the fuck does that even mean? All I see is that he sticks some bloke in a red box and moves onto another family. That’s not really collecting people. That’s borrowing them for a short time while he subjects them to grotesque agony. And it has the gall to stage one of those insulting “bad guy wins” sequel baiting endings that do nothing but piss you off even more. Thank fuck this bombed.

The Collector 3

Do you want this to be Marcus Dunstan or Don Murphy? Both viable choices.

The acting is absolute shit as well. There is no one even remotely recognisable, and I can’t see that changing judging by these performances. The music is of the off the shelf insta-horror variety. The only real thing going for this film is the all too brief unleashing of some semi-decent cans. But even then Marcus Dunstan, the so called director of this film and someone I’m going to recommend team up with Murphy so they can hold hands while they sink into obscurity and eventually die of a heart attack all alone on the toilet of their Motel 6 hotel room…. Hang on, where was I? Right. Juggs. Dunstan doesn’t even frame the shot to take advantage of these half-decent sweater puppies. Yes, she’s laying on her back so I’ll position the camera from below looking directly at her head. Nice job, twat. Your automatic one chang rating is hereby rescinded.

The Collector 6

There goes your one chang, you cunt!

So, with ‘The Collector’ my birthday series gets off to an absolutely cracking start.

4 MurphsFuck you Dunston for making me review my first ever 4 Murph movie! 

Thanks for coming to my 2009 birthday. Now bugger off the lot of you so I can bust open the black label and stare at the wall while I drink myself into stupor while I wallow in my self-pity.

Hip hip!

Droid

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About Judge Droid

In between refining my procrastination skills I talk a lot of shit about movies and such.

135 responses to “The Birthday Series – The Collector (2009)”

  1. Continentalop says :

    Koutchboom loved this movie. Just saying.

    • Droid says :

      I know. I’m waiting for the onslaught of abuse.

      • koutchboom says :

        Well I know you wouldn’t be man enough to handle it. I’ll read your review at home to see just how badly you didn’t get it.

        This is in no was a 4 Murph film. I’d give you a 1 murph just cause you didn’t like it, just the fact that they gave you a man character who wasn’t a complete fucking idiot unlike ALL other horror films makes it half way decent.

      • Droid says :

        Well I know you wouldn’t be man enough to handle it.

        *sigh* “Man enough”? Really? I know you like these types of films, but c’mon. How is the main guy unlike normal horror characters?

      • Jarv says :

        That “man enough” shit is one of the reasons I object to TP. It’s a film, not a dick measuring endurance test, FFS.

        I can endure this type of shit, but hate every moment of it. Doesn’t make it a good film.

      • Continentalop says :

        Jarv, you endured Thundercrack! Your manliness should never be questioned, even if your sexuality might be.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m secure enough in my sexuality to endure tennessee williams inspired gay porn on a challenge.

        Funnily enough, I’d have turned off Anthrophagus now.

  2. Continentalop says :

    Oh and happy birthday you drunk little quad amputee midget inside a fake robot.

  3. Jarv says :

    I’ve only ever handed out one 4 murph rating. This must be unwatchable

    • Droid says :

      Do bear in mind I’m not a fan of horror or TP. But it’s fucking shit.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah but this movie is barely TP. There is only like 1 maybe 2 aspects of torture. People die violently yes, but they aren’t tortured.

      • Droid says :

        Bullshit. Both the parents are tortured.

      • koutchboom says :

        Umm yeah that would be the 1 or 2 aspect of torture. Its not the whole film, like Saw or something.

      • Droid says :

        The whole house is a torture trap. Everythings boobytrapped to kill you. No, the villain doesn’t sit there and physically torture the victims for the entire film, but he has the house set up so that it’s a constant torture.

        It’s TP Koutch.

      • koutchboom says :

        Whatever, anything with grusome death’s now a day get called TP, the movies point isn’t to show you people getting tortured the whole time, thats like saying every R rated film with a pretty raunchy sex scene is pornography.

      • Continentalop says :

        How about we just call it Softcore Torture Porn?

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I like that better, something your kid can watch when you fall asleep.

      • Droid says :

        Nah, it’s not “whatever”. Torture porn is not only about people getting physically tortured. It’s the fact that the film is designed with the intention of a sustained torture for it’s characters. There is no plot. There is no characterisation beyond this is a man who needs money and this is a family. They’re simply meat for the villain to butcher. And this film is much worse than the first Saw (the only one I’ve seen) as it makes no attempt to be anything but an exercise in torture.

        Torture porn.

      • koutchboom says :

        So then I guess Friday the 13th had a lot of characterization in it?

        I liked that about this movie, the killer has no back story, he’s just their to kill. That made it interesting, people ALWAYS bitch when you give the killer a back story. Well here you go The Collector has no back story.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s because of two reasons- the term is lazily and innacurately applied and that the dominant subgenre of horror at the moment is more realistic type torture based horror.

        Doesn’t preclude something from being TP, and what the fuck is “hard core” tp- August Underground?

      • koutchboom says :

        Alvin and the Chipmunks, that’ll haunt you longer then any other TP movie I’ve ever seen.

      • Continentalop says :

        August Underground is like Max Hardcore style TP.

    • Droid says :

      And 2008 is a horror as well. I’ve really shot myself in the foot being born on this fucking date.

    • Jarv says :

      You doing this daily?

      • Droid says :

        Trying. About to start watching 2008 so I can write it up tomorrow night. And over the weekend I’ll do at least 4 if I can. We’ll see how it goes. I have contingecy plans if I fall behind.

    • Jarv says :

      There was characterisation galore in the first F13. But you could quite easily call the sequels murder porn.

      However, the difference is that I’ve never once given a toss about the characters in TP- even the supposed heroes. They only exist to get damaged, whereas they do tend to try to make you care in shitty slashers. That they fail is coincidental.

      • koutchboom says :

        Well he was trying to save the little boy/girl in the movie so you want him to do that.

  4. Jarv says :

    I know. I wouldn’t touch this with a bargepole.

    Could be worse. Could be war wolves

  5. Continentalop says :

    I also didn’t like this movie. And the funny thing, besides the excessive torture it was little things that really drove me nuts.

    First off, I thought the title was completely wrong. This movie shouldn’t be called The Collector – he collects one person each time, and it is only a minor part of his M.O. It would be like calling the Beltway Sniper the Tarot Reader or the Riddler the Bank Robber because he also robs banks besides leaving riddles. It is incidental. Truthfully the villain of the film should have been called the Trapster or some shit like that because that is what he does – he lays traps.

    Second, while I did like the use of a spider motif as a visual metaphor for the villain, I also thought that was inappropriate. Spider’s trap you, but they also sucker you into their web – their lair. He is trapping someone else’s house.

    Third, the main character acts like a complete idiot, and all to keep the plot going. There is many times when he had an opportunity to jump or attack the Collector and he chose not to. Sure he was scared, but he had a better chance then of finishing him off than in the later part of the movie when it became convenient for him to fight him. Plus the Collector is not a big guy or that scary looking and our hero is a thief – I imagine he would be more than willing to take the risk of jumping him. A couple of good hits with a solid object and he should be out. It just smacked of false suspense.

    Finally, every character except for the lead is presented as being there only as potential body count. Never once was I worried if any member of the family was going to live because I knew they were in this film solely as plot devices to begin with.

    • Droid says :

      Everything you say is on the money, but you’ve given it much more thought than I will. I’m going to instantly move on from this horseshit.

      • Continentalop says :

        Actually these are questions and feelings that struck me as I watched it. The movie itself I have pretty much forgotten (but I do have a pretty good memory for movies, I still can remember stuff from Thundercrack!).

    • Jarv says :

      So can I. One thing you can say about that is that it’s certainly memorable. Even if you don’t want to.

      Oh, and I would rather fondle god of war boobies than watch this

      • Continentalop says :

        I said it before and I mean it with all sincerity: if I had to chose between Thundercrack! and Babel, I would chose Thundercrack!

  6. Continentalop says :

    But as much as I didn’t like it I don’t see it as a Four Murph movie. One Chang.

    • Droid says :

      I toyed with simply giving it zero or even a half. But the end just pissed me off so much (even though I was expecting it) that it sunk it into Murph territory.

    • Jarv says :

      I’ve retired the murphs. Orangutan of Doom is for shit like this.

      When I heard about this I wondered if it was based on the John Fowles novel. It clearly isn’t

    • Continentalop says :

      You ever see the original 1960s Collector, either one of you? Damn good if you haven’t (and nothing like this).

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah I’ve got it to watch, started it one night a while back but it was way too late and passed out like 5 minutes in.

      • Continentalop says :

        It is pretty interesting. It is much more a Horror-of-Personality film than it is any sort of slasher/suspense thriller, but damn interesting.

        And the book Jarv mentioned above it is based on seems to be required reading amongst serial killers.

  7. Droid says :

    Right. 2008 it is then. Another horror. Yay.

  8. redfishybluefishy says :

    Yeah, when ‘The Collector’ was mentioned a few weeks ago, I was thinking of the Terence Stamp one from the 60’s. It’s quite disturbing in a quiet creepy way. It feels almost a little too real.

    Droid, I will never watch this movie. It sounds beyond dreadful. I’m sorry you had to endure it.

    • koutchboom says :

      Red, Droid’s just a pussy afraid of bad people. This is a solid 1 chang film as Conti pointed out, 2 1/2 if you are an avid TP fan such as myself.

      • Droid says :

        Yes, Koutch. And you’re a big man who isn’t. And my dad could beat up your dad.

        What a moronic comment.

      • koutchboom says :

        LETS THIS BE DECIDED AMONGST DADS!!!!!

        I seriously doubt your dad could take on my dad, though.

      • Jarv says :

        Koutch has a point. If you like the genre, then you are more likely to be more favourable towards the film.

      • Droid says :

        I’m not telling anyone their wrong for liking these types of films. Go for you life. But to say someones a “pussy” because they think its shit is just infantile gibberish.

      • koutchboom says :

        Naw I say you are a pussy out of love, I mean there has to be one pussy in every group. That had nothing to do with you liking the film or not, I bet tons of pussy’s love this movie.

      • Jarv says :

        Solid 1 Chang is an oxymoron. 1 Changs are bad things.

        Personally, from the sounds of it, I’d have given this the Orangutan of Doom or 1 or 2 murphs.

        4 murphs for me is the nadir of ineptitude- which is why I’ve only given it out once.

      • koutchboom says :

        Solid 1 Chang is an oxymoron

        Yeah I know, thats why I said it.

    • Droid says :

      Fishy, I blame no one but my mum for not holding on a week longer. Then I could’ve reviewed GI Joe. Oh wait…

  9. Jarv says :

    You seen Eden Lake yet Koutch? That’s a film with torture that isn’t TP

  10. redfishybluefishy says :

    I am also a pussy afraid of bad people, then. TP is not my thing. Not in a million. I think I would rather torture myself with nude photos of Jarv’s favorite, Don Murphy than watch a movie like this. Okay, well, I I would really rather not do that as well, but if a choice had to be made…

  11. Droid says :

    This 2008 horror is much more enjoyable. Stupid, and totally schlocky but its amusing.

    • redfishybluefishy says :

      i truly did think you were reviewing that old movie. I really don’t do well with the violent horror. It’s just not my thing. I like sleep, I don’t need it interrupted with horrific nightmares… eep! I’m a delicate flower in that respect.

  12. Tom_Bando says :

    I think Droid took one for the team.

    Yeesh NO thanks.

    Try the Mummy III from your birthday in 2008. At least there you had CGI Football Yetis.

  13. koutchboom says :

    I think you should do Spawn, you’ll realize just how low comic book movies have gone since that greatness.

    Also when you say release dates are we talking British or what?

    • Droid says :

      I’m using US release dates. I could fudge dates to avoid shit like this but I didn’t want to be a “pussy”. I could’ve used my review of The Descent since it came out in the US on August 1st or something, but I saw it in the UK about a year prior so I chose not to.

  14. koutchboom says :

    Also I can’t say you took one for the team since two of us had seen it and you had ample warning/knowledge of what sort of film it was. Also we are here to review movies we have to watch shit we don’t like, thats how you grow and learn. It’s like taking a mirror to your naughty bits, you never know until you look.

  15. koutchboom says :

    Also this is for Conti and Droid since Droid is her number one fan and Conti told me the story.

    The dude who plays The Collector is no other than Juan Fernández who was Sandy B’s co-star and on screen love making partner in the Roger Corman flick Fire In the Amazon, which was directed by the same genius behind Anaconda, which depending on what release date you are counting came out on my birthday!!!!

  16. koutchboom says :

    Yeah I will give you that, the opening credits with the dude all dancing around was really fucking stupid.

  17. koutchboom says :

    The mom is the mom from Rescue Me. As for seeing a horror movie with someone famous in it???? When’s the last time that’s happened that it was good? All schlocky no budget horror movies star nobodies. That doesn’t seem like a valid complaint.

    Also I thought the guy did a good job, it is one of the few times the lead character doesn’t just do shit that makes all the black ladies scream “OHH NO HE DIDN’T!” Which I thought was cool, also I thought the way they framed the boobs scene was interesting, it was shot from perspective of the dude or The Collector.

    I think you wasted your time even reviewing this, you should’ve just put, I don’t like movies with torture in them, 4 murphs, because that seems to be your biggest problem with the film. You marginalized the plot like other horror movies have had some amazing plot before, sure its simple but so is a group of kids being chased by a invincible killer.

    Also did you watch the scene after the credits?

    • Droid says :

      The acting was woeful. I don’t expect big stars. I was merely commenting on the fact that I didn’t recognise anyone and I highly doubt I will see any of them again.

      How can I marginalize a plot that doesn’t exist?

      Didn’t watch more than three seconds into the end credits. The finger of doom clamped down immediately after this piece of shit finished.

      But you are definitely correct. I did waste my time.

      • koutchboom says :

        I thought the lead was good, everyone else was fine for what they needed to be. It’s much better then the acting of horror films of the 80s. It wasn’t all over the top and campy like most horror films. I expect to be seeing Juan Fernández again since Sandy B has announced that she will be remaking Fire In the Amazon, properly this time.

      • Droid says :

        I expect to be seeing Juan Fernández again since Sandy B has announced that she will be remaking Fire In the Amazon, properly this time.

        Stock tip from someone in finance.

        Invest in duct tape.

      • Jarv says :

        Personally, as someone that watches far more shitty horror than the pair of you put together, I can tell you for a fact that half the fun of watching utter cack is spotting people you’ve seen in much better things in something completely beneath them.

        For example (I’m going to pick on War Wolves again), the utter dismal piece of shit I watched last night had Adrienne Barbeau, Tim Thomerson, and John Saxon in it.

        Or old style Troma films that feature Kevin Costner, Billy Bob Thornton et al.

        It’s fun spotting those you know slumming it in garbage,

      • xiphos0311 says :

        Stock tip from someone in finance.

        Invest in duct tape.

        It’s better to invest in weapons.

      • Droid says :

        It’s better to invest in weapons.

        FYI… Mine was a joke.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        It was?

      • xiphos0311 says :

        Well if you say so….

      • Droid says :

        Pity you didn’t get it. It was a good one.

      • xiphos0311 says :

        yes pity that’s a word

      • Droid says :

        Indeed it is.

        pit·y (pt)
        n. pl. pit·ies
        1. Sympathy and sorrow aroused by the misfortune or suffering of another.
        2. A matter of regret: It’s a pity she can’t attend the reception.
        v. pit·ied, pit·y·ing, pit·ies
        v.tr.
        To feel pity for.
        v.intr.
        To feel pity.
        Idiom: have/take pity on. To show compassion for.

      • Continentalop says :

        Xi, it is based on a story I told about Sandra B making the Roger Corman flick Fire in the Amazon. I don’t know if you remember the story…

      • xiphos0311 says :

        Yep that’s the word.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah Xi it was actually a good joke, if you knew the story.

  18. Continentalop says :

    Koutch, lets see how manly you are. If you can find a copy, let’s see if you can handle THIS:

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1018671/

    • koutchboom says :

      That sounds something like this:

      http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0382073/

      just more pretentious.

      • Continentalop says :

        I cannot begin to tell you how f’ing pretentious and boring it is. Seriously. I only jokingly suggest it because I don’t think anyone can get a copy of it.

        Thundercrack!, Last House on Dead End Street, Anthropophagus, Don’t Go Into the Woods at Night, Torture Dungeon, etc. are all incredibly crappy but at least watchable. But THIS!

      • Jarv says :

        I’ve seen that. It’s fucking mind-numbing, atrocious, pretentious drivel. I couldn’t work out how their lives mirrored Salome at all.

      • Continentalop says :

        You’ve seen it Jarv? Where? I didn’t even think they had a distributer. Because if they do I’m going make Koutch watch it.

      • Jarv says :

        Not that one- Heights.

      • Jarv says :

        Wait, what am I talking about-

        Never mind, I’m getting confused with some shitty ITV drama I saw yonks ago where a group of aristo fuckheads in New York were putting on a wilde play and their lives were mirroring the action on stage

      • koutchboom says :

        Well that sounds like Heights, I’ve actually seen Heights fucking worthless film.

    • redfishybluefishy says :

      Hey Conti, does that mean a woman sings/chatters to a severed head like in the opera? oh lordy.

      • Continentalop says :

        I wish fishy. Then SOMETHING would have happened. But no, this film is all talking…and talking…and talking.

        And the dialogue is incredibly bad and boring.

    • Tom_Bando says :

      Okay so I finally stuck my toe in there and googled Anthrophagaus Beast there. 1980 nasty cannibalism flick. Egads. No thanks there Conti Pops.

      I can only think of three(3) things I own that are worse:

      1: 1978 Bucky Dent game (w/ Mr. Money Store announcing-beastly-Xiphos can translate)

      2: Cokey Cops a Feel AKA Death Proof. I H*A*T*E* this movie. (An am a Kurt Russell fan so don’t look at me like that)

      3: Director’s Cut of A*P*E*. That by itself is lethal at 20 paces.

      • Continentalop says :

        I’ve said it before, how do you make a BORING movie about Kurt Russell as a crazed stunt car driver killing women in high speed chases involving a death proof stunt car? Quentin figured out a way.

      • Tom_Bando says :

        He did, and it’s AWFUL.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck Death Proof.

        Honestly if ordered to watch either Death Proof or Thundercrack! again I’d have to consider both options. On balance, I think I’d rather sit through Death Proof, but it’s close.

        That’s how bad DP is.

      • Tom_Bando says :

        It was a Harold fave, too.

  19. Droid says :

    2008 was much more enjoyable. Utter garbage, but enjoyable. Review up tomorrow.

  20. koutchboom says :

    Also Droid there is no way this is a 4 murph film, I’ll accept 1 maybe 2 murphs. But you want a 4 murph film it has to be a movie that on any level that it doesn’t make sense how anyone could enjoy it, rent Antichrist and Dead and Gone, worst two movies I’ve probably ever seen. Both take place in some cabin in a woods, some chick gets’em out and a lot of nothing happens and they call it horror.

    I mean doesn’t sound like you were really bored by The Collector just turned off by it, Antichrist and Dead and Gone are the fucking cure for insomnia. Sometime I need to realize there is a reason I keep falling asleep during some movies and stop trying to make it to the end.

    • Continentalop says :

      Koutch, are you talking about 2008’s Dead & Gone? I know the guy who starred in it, Quentin Jones. Never seen it though.

      Is it that bad?

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah it was terrible, like nothing happens in the damn thing. Also it was just annoying. I wish I could tell you more but I’ve rightfully forgotten most of it. The redhead who get’em out is okish, though not worth watching the movie for.

  21. Continentalop says :

    Oh fuck Droid. ANTHROPOPHAGUS was released in Italy on August 9th, 1980.

    I think you can make a strong enough argument that is close enough to your birthday for you to see it.

  22. Jarv says :

    August 2nd 2008 has so many minty schlocky possibilities. I’m narrowing it down:

    and after a lot of thought: Midnight Meat Train.

    I’d have done Starship Troopers 3, but that was DTV so probably doesn’t count.

  23. Jarv says :

    New idea for a series:

    Challenge Koutch. Everyone has to pick a film that he’ll struggle to make it through for whatever reason.

    It’s established that he’ll watch practicaly anything and find something to like, lets see if we can provoke a reaction in him like this one of Droids.

    What the hell is the name of that 3 hour mongolian art film about the steppes, if I can find out, that’s going to be my suggestion.

  24. Droid says :

    I’ll clarify my use of the 4 murph rating if it helps. I don’t really see the point of having a four chang rating system, then a four murph rating system. I will never give a film 2 murphs. If I hate a film and can find no redeeming qualities, like I did here, I will give it 4 murphs. Essentially the four murphs represents my unwillingness to sully Walter Changs good name by associating it in any way to such a turgid load of horseshit.

    Which is why the solitary pic of the Orangutan of Doom might be a wiser way to go if I ever encounter such a film again.

    • Continentalop says :

      Suggestion: Maybe use the Murphs ONLY for Don Murphy movies. I mean, how do you judge the murphiness of Splice against the murphiness of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen? Is one a two Murph movie while the other is a three or four Murph movie?

      I imagine that the murp is a negative system, where the more murphs you have reflects negatively on the movie, and where zero murphs means no Don Murphy influence could be detected (Natural Born Killers maybe for example).

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, thats a possibility. The Orang o’ Doom is going to be my new rating when I wish to spare Walter the ignominy.

      • Jarv says :

        I did it as a joke when I knew he was reading the site to piss him off. This is why I’ve given it about a month and now retired it for the Orangodoom.

        Really when you get down to this level of shittyness, splitting hairs is pointless.

  25. kloipy says :

    great idea for a series Droid. I know you aren’t a big fan of the genre, but this one looks like shit to me and I’m a huge horror geek. Will be skipping this one as well. Great review

  26. kloipy says :

    though I am with Conti and I feel we should all watch ANTHROPOPHAGUS, except those of us who have seen it already. Maybe we could do a skype viewing and review it, Conti and I sitting back watching the others retch

  27. koutchboom says :

    So Anthropophagus was directed by Joe D’Amato, Conti did you meet him while working on the Emanuelle series? Or was that before your time?

  28. M. Blitz says :

    I remember reading a long spoiler-heavy synopsis for this movie and it sounded pretty ridiculous. Basically just a list of the various tortures because I guess there isn’t really anything else to the movie? It reminded me of being a little kid and we would sit around thinking up the worst ways to get killed. Yeah, we were like 7 years old at the time.

    Your review cracked me up, Droid. Looks to be a fun series.

  29. lordbronco says :

    Yikes! Funny as hell review Droid…

    I’ve a feeling I would agree with you on this one.

    The ThunderCrack! thing…

    Quite hilarious on Conti’s part…

    There is a worse movie-that is so fucking ugly…that i’m tempted to divulge it’s name if conti thinks he’s man enough to take it.

    Dropping even it’s name casually is not to be done lightly-it’s so bad that I wouldn’t even do it to k-Boom in jest.

    But Conti, if you really want to be a completist about these things…

    Gahhh-fucking disgusting.

    • Continentalop says :

      Bronco, chances are I probably saw it. I used to be big in seeing ultra bad movies. God only knows why…

  30. ThereWolf says :

    I’ve actually seen one or two decent reviews for this. But I’ll only watch it by accident.

    It sounds – and looks – horrible.

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