Tag Archive | Don Murphy is a cunt.

The Birthday Series – The Collector (2009)

Droids Birthday Series 2009 This is probably the single dumbest idea I’ve come up with yet. My birthday is due to roll around on August 2nd and against all sense and reason I have decided to do a review series based around that date. Essentially, counting backwards, I will review a film from every year I have graced this ball of mud with my presence. The criteria is simple. The film has to have been released on, or as close to August 2nd as possible. I have to choose the closest to that date, no matter if I loathe the film or not. Luckily for me, there is usually more than one viable option. And lets all bow before the Flying Spaghetti Monster for that, because I have managed to avoid the staggeringly awful ‘Spawn’ in 1997. Phew! But I have not always been lucky. There are more than a few absolute dogs in this series. And we just need look no further than…

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Demon Cop

What I’ve got in my blood is worse than AIDS

Jarv’s Rating: 4 Murphs. What he may have is not worse than AIDS, however I could make a case for this film being worse than toothache.

Demon Cop is a bit unfortunate, really, in that I’m writing this review in a thoroughly filthy mood. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a 4 Murph film alright, and doesn’t even manage to scale the giddy heights of crappily entertaining, but it’s going to get a far more abusive review than it would have otherwise. Actually, I was going to retire the Murph rating (it’s served it’s purpose) for the Orangutan of Doom, but this turd of a film is so bad that the only way it could possibly be any worse is if the fat man had written, directed and produced it himself. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Munchies

“The fire of the gods? I wonder what that could be”

Jarv’s Rating: 3 Murphs. Offensively awful rip off of Gremlins with all the charm of the fat cunt himself. Unamusing, unoriginal, worthless horseshit. Watch Critters instead if you really want to see Gremlins plagiarised.

Mrs. Jarv is a very patient woman. I’m sure that she thinks that I’m basically a retard, and worth only pity, but she has got a level of tolerance for my idiotic foibles that would put Mother Theresa to shame. This film is a case in point. Read More…