A Droid Premiere: Captain America: Civil War (2016)

Last month, DC attempted to launch a franchise by pitting its two most famous and beloved superheroes against each other. ‘Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice’ turned out to be a bit of a mess. Some good things, and some not so good things. One of its biggest problems was that it felt overstuffed with characters and plot. Now, just a month later, Marvel is bringing us its own overstuffed movie that pits hero against hero. And while ‘Captain Himself: Fuck Everybody Else’ is just as long and just as loud as ‘Batman v Superman’, is it just as much of a mess? Let’s find out.

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A Droid Premiere: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

It feels like this movie has taken forever to get to the big screen. I vaguely remember Wolgang Petersen being attached at one point in the early 2000’s. This was before ‘Superman Returns’. Before ‘Batman Begins’. And then there was that Times Square billboard in ‘I Am Legend’, teasing the possibility that the two most famous superheroes of all time would one day go toe to toe for our viewing pleasure.

A Droid Premiere: Triple 9 (2016)

Surprise! Yes, it’s your old mate Droid here with a review of the new film ‘Triple 9’. Since it’s been a surprisingly long time since I wrote one of these, I expect it to be pretty terrible. So… par for the course, really.

The view from the couch: The catch up begins.

Christ, it’s been a while since I’ve reviewed anything, due to Halloween remake 2 breaking my brain, and not in a good way, but having spent the last three months with a baby in the house, we’ve not really watched anything in the way of films. What we have watched, however, is a whole shitload of TV. So, brace yourself for a stampede of mini-reviews, for stuff that you’ve all probably seen already.

As is usual with this, I’ll be honest about how long I stuck to each series before throwing poo at it.

Also, I’m so far behind, I’m splitting this mammoth post into sections. This is part one.

Contains spoilers, and lots of them, below

A Droid Premiere: Robocop (2014)

When sat down to I write this review a few days ago, it was with the intention of not focusing solely on the fact that this is a remake of a great film and a personal favourite. I tried to accept the film on its own merits and not to compare the two films. I finished a draft, but it felt a little unsatisfactory. Like I hadn’t looked properly at the film, and instead, glossed over the big issues. Anyway, what is written below is the same review, but draft two, which hopefully addresses some of these issues. It’s more critical, and it does directly compare the two films. A lot. But only because the remake forces me to. But I guess the important thing is that the rating hasn’t changed. There’s just more context to why I gave it that rating. Anyway…

{INSERT USUAL RANT ABOUT UNECESSARY REMAKES HERE}

The Ashes

Au Revior to the bucket of bolts

Droid is the one on the left.

 

Taking a moment to wish Droid all the best on his return back to Convictland.

Man of Steel (2013)

The official ‘Man of Steel’ shopping guide:

1. A cushion. This movie is long.

2. Earplugs. This movie is loud.

3. A chastity belt for your eyes. This movie intends to do naughty things to your eyeballs.

4. Earmuffs. Earplugs won’t be enough. This movie is almost relentlessly LOUD.

A Droid Premiere – Star Trek Into Darkness (2013)

I may be the last guy who should review a Star Trek movie. I’ve never seen an episode of any of the TV series, and I’ve only seen one pre-reboot film, which was called ‘Star Trek Generations’. I saw that borefest in the worst possible setting. A midnight movie marathon. So my first instinct is to leave a review of the latest Trek in the hands of someone more knowledgeable. Wolf, I’m looking at you. But having thought about it, I’ve decided that maybe I’m the best person to review the film. I’ll explain why in a second…

A Droid Premiere – Iron Man Three (TwentyThirteen)

In two thousand and eight, an ambitious superhero series was started. Over the course of five films, four main characters (and a fair few periphery one’s) were introduced. The quality of these films varied from fairly good (Thor, Iron Man) to staggeringly bad (Iron Man Two). Somewhere along the line the series became known as “Phase One”. It all culminated in TwentyTwelve’s ‘The Avengers’, which was over-enthusiastically cupped and stroked by slobbering hordes of fanbois worldwide. I had fun with the film, but really, it wasn’t particularly good. ‘The Avengers’ went on to become the third highest grossing film of all time. Five years after the first ‘Iron Man’ hit the screens and made Robert Downey Jr a Hollywood darling, Tony Stark returns in ‘Iron Man Three’ (the credits make a point of using “three” and I’m not sure why), the first film of “Phase Two”. The conveyer belt of mediocrity continues to chug along mercilessly inflicting Marvel movies on the all too willing public.