Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: Friday 13th (2009)

Welcome back to the series that has grown men crying like little girls. This journey has really been the stuff of nightmares, and in the future bloggers will no doubt use it to scare their children: “You behave yourself or I’ll make you review Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Series. It has tigers in hats in it”.

Scary.

Still, there’s been a suspicious amount of grade inflation going on recently, but surely this crappy remake of a fairly crappy original can’t get off Scot free. I mean, it’s Platinum Dunes, for fuck’s sake! This is a nailed on 0 film, and if there’s any shenanigans and suspicious 1.27 ratings, then well, really, I will step in.

Let’s see if such drastic measures will be necessary

Almost….there…

There are those who think I purposely juiced up my ratings to ensure I have a total average above 1.0. Tsk-tsk…to think that an Accountant…an honest profession mind you…would seek to “throw” a couple of film ratings just to avoid a below 1.0 rating. Just think about that…quibbling over whether I can stay above 1.0 for 39 fucking films! Ridiculous I say!

So in my next to last installment (praise 2for2true!), we have a remake of a silly horror series that has like 37 films in it, of which I’ve seen a few of, and I can honestly say I don’t remember shit about them. This opens with a bunch of douches who perfectly fit in with those teen shish kabobs from the 80’s who were fodder for various murderers and slashers. The gaggle of douches are camping near Camp Crystal, and right off the bat we get some boob and a dude getting killed by Jay. I’m assuming it’s okay if I just call you Jay right? I mean, I know I haven’t watched all of your movies like our misguided monkey, but I am watching your stupid remake, so we’re cool, right? Jay? Anyway the gaggle of douches turn to mince meat real quick.

Jump ahead to one and a half months later, and one of the chicks who was in the gaggle of douches has a brother who is now looking for her. We now have a new gaggle of douches, this time with way hotter bitches, which is a major plus. Added bonus: a black douche in the mix, who has already complained about pissing on the poor black man. Um, this is fucking 2009 not 1980.

The brother is handing out flyer’s and going around the area asking everyone if they have seen his missing sister, one of which is some hillbilly cock. Now, this hillbilly cock has been in the area for years it seems, and who does Jay kill next? Hillbilly cock. WTF. Eh, why am I even trying to make sense of the ‘plot’ of this. Guess they needed to fill the screen time with a needless death because Jay needed to wear his iconic hockey mask, and he finds one where he kills the hillbilly.

This movie is dreadful. Seriously…much worse than boring Firewall or even Step Up 2, though at least this has some boobs. I now know why I delayed watching this movie. Ugh. At least it did make me laugh when two of the douches decide to go water skiing and the dude in the boat gets an arrow to the head while driving, and the chick who fell off her skis gets banged in the head by the boat.

And in a SURPRISING turn of events, the dude looking for his sister, his sister is ALIVE. Shocking development. That’s because she has a strong resemblance to a chick in Jay’s locket that he keeps…guess his mom or something. It really doesn’t fucking matter.

Everyone dies except for the brother who rescues the sister from the clutches of crazy Jay, who they dispatch of via a sword in the chest. Or do they? For some reason that escapes me, they decide to dispatch of Jay into the lake. Er, why? He of course pops out of the lake and roll credits. Oooh…how crazy is that?

Fuck me this movie blew. I swear they slapped it together in like five days. By a blind man. What the hell was the point? If you’re going to do a movie like this, the gore should be over-the-top, gratuitous boob is a must, and there has to be at least a few scares or attempted scares. This failed in the gore department, too skimpy on the boob count, and zilch scares. A huge failure of a movie, so well done Mikey Bay since I see your name is associated with this abomination.

I give it a zero. It deserves nothing I say, nothing!

I am down to one film left to complete this delightful series. Pop open the champagne, crack open a cold one…it’s almost time to celebrate.

Next up: The Eagle

Pillow out

The nightmare so far:

1973 The World’s Greatest Athlete 1 / 4

1974 Deranged 0.5 / 4

1975 Shampoo 1.5 / 4

1976 Taxi Driver 3 / 4

1977 Black Samurai 1.5 / 4

1978 The Betsy 0 / 4

1979 Quintet 0 / 4

1980 Hero at Large 2/4

1981 Dogs of War 2.5/4

1982 The Beast Within 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom

1983 King of Comedy 3/4

1984 Blame it on Rio 0.5/4

1985 Lost in America 0/4

1986 Quicksilver 1/ 4

1987 84 Charing Cross Road 1/ 4

1988 Shoot to Kill 1/4

1989 The Mighty Quinn 2/4

1990 Revenge 2/4

1991 The Silence of the Lambs 4/4

1992 Wayne’s World 2.5/4

1993 The Temp 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom

1994 Blank Check 1/4

1995 Heavyweights 0.5/4

1996 Mr. Wrong 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom

1997 That Darn Cat 0/4

1998 Sphere 0/4

1999 Blast From the Past 1.5/4

2000 The Beach 0/4

2001 Down to Earth 0/4

2002 John Q 0: A double Orangutan of Doom!

2003Dark Blue 2.5/4

2004 Fifty First Dates 1/4

2005 Son of the Mask 0/4 The Orangutan of Doom

2006 Firewall 1.5/4

2007 Daddy’s Little Girls 1/4

2008 Step up 2: The Streets 1.5/4

2009 Friday 13th 0/4

2010 Valentine’s Day 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

47 responses to “Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: Friday 13th (2009)”

  1. Jarv says :

    Leaving aside the dodgy pictures, it’s good to see an actual honest rating!

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      Um, even with inflation, that decade ended at .75. .75! Fuck, what a bunch of horrendous evil shit. One decent movie out of the whole fucking decade.

      Overall rating at 1.04, aided by some, ahem, gentle take on some questionable movies.

  2. Droid says :

    I remember there was quite a bit of boob in this. The last chick to unleash the sweater puppies having quite the rack as well.

    Still, this film is fucking terrible.

  3. koutchboom says :

    Yeah this was a top boob film. I liked this movie. I thought it was dumb fun.

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      What was fun about it exactly?

      • koutchboom says :

        EH just like any other Jason film. Some cool deaths, it’s decently shot and acted, good effects. I don’t ask for much from Jason films and this delivered.

      • koutchboom says :

        Also I don’t get your complaint about the boob count? It’s one the highest in recent memory? Unless you only dig those like 2 second shots in movies with like 5 topless chicks. I bet it’s got the highest boob count out of all the Jason films…and that’s saying something for a movie produced NOW a days.

      • Jarv says :

        That could well be true, you know. No Boob in the first one, minimal in the second, I don’t think there’s any in the Cory one, None in 3D. Lots in Jason Lives.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah Piranha probably has more boob….granted that was after this. I mean I saw Texas Chainsaw Massacre in theaters (had never seen the first one when I did) and I loved it, movie was a blast, scared the shit out of me and felt like it was 20 minutes long….I had been drinking prior, all three of had and we all had to pee but we didn’t want to leave because we were so enthralled. I’ll never see it again just to preserve that experience.

        I saw this at home by myself and some beers, I laughed and enjoyed it…I could see it being boring, but I also thought it looked good for what it was. I’m not trying to defend the movie to any great degree…just saying I wish more horror movies entertained me as much as this did. Thinking about how much I loved Texas Chainsaw remake/PA1-3/Insidious/The Thing/30 Days of Night./Saw 1-2…all of which I saw in theaters, I’m starting to realize that horror movies are just better in theaters. I mean that’s not entirely true, but you can’t just throw a horror movie on (and I’m not saying that Friday The 13th would ever be scary it’s probably better at home anyway) you need to sort of prepare for it and get in the mood to be scared. Because yeah there are sometimes I’m too lazy/cynical about horror where I just don’t give a fuck and nothing could scare me, then there are other days where I enjoy the hell out of a good scare. And was surprised how much I enjoyed the terror in The Thing, because it felt like a day where I was just going to be annoyed by anything.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        I did like the arrow in the head, that certainly made me laugh. But really, it was quite boring and mudane. Am I really asking too much from this movie to entertain me?

        Regarding boob count…I suppose it has a really high boob count compared to the majority of movies nowadays, though cannot match the boob mastery of Piranha 3D. See, that movie entertained me. I can’t say about boob counts in Jason movies since I haven’t seen them all, and those that I have seen were from eons ago.

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        Good job piddoes. You are almost there!

        I think I have seen total of two jhelosason flicks. Boob
        helps but not that much. I really enjoyed piranha 3d

        Watched The American last night. It was nothing memorable but did have good boob!

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        Yeah, The American was blah but she did display them quite nicely.

      • koutchboom says :

        American was ok, eh the boobs were alright….a little old for my taste. Somewhere between The American and Drive there is a great movie.

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        Last night was a great night for boob, right after The American went off i caught the last half hour of Boardwalk empire -which still is not a must see for me, but if i remember to watch it i will, and there was a great rack on display there too

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        Koutch, great boob is great boob. Or if Monica whips them out are you gonna say they are too old?

      • Jarv says :

        He wants little training bra boob, that’s why.

      • koutchboom says :

        Naw it was a lot of laying down boob which is boring.

      • koutchboom says :

        Also both women are some sort of eastern european thing which are far too ugly for Clooney, he wouldn’t be caught dead with a chick with teeth that bad.

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        yeah, I will agree that horror movies are better to see in the theater…I think it’s that feeling of being more exposed in a larger setting than in the comfort of one’s home.

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        ‘training bra boob’ ok that killed me!
        Ha!
        Koutch, koutch, koutch

        Monica!

      • koutchboom says :

        Whose Monica?

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        That would be pronounced Moan-nica! As in the one and only Monica Bellucci.

        Honestly koutch, that I have to tell you who ‘Monica’ is (as if there was anyone else), could be grounds for questioning your changian cred!
        You are harshing on my zen dude

      • koutchboom says :

        Heheheh I thought it was someone in the movie. Well yeah she’s got some heft at least. My changian buzz has been harshed ever since a certain smashing robots fans opted out of Reel Steel in favor another boring Clooney movie.

  4. MORBIUS says :

    WTH!!!

    Was this review based on a foriegn cut of the film?
    In the American version, Chelsea is wakeboarding, not water skiing!
    Then impaled(?) through the head from above while cowering under a dock.
    It’s details like this that could have raised your overall rating of this …

    The “Killer Cut” of this has extended scenes of the stabbery and boobery.

    • Bartleby says :

      Morb, I hate it when they smart it up–as opposed to dumb it down–for those non-Americans.

      I guess with a Jason movie, if you haven’t got kills, you haven’t got anything.

      Was never a big fan of this series anyway.

      When’s The Boogens remake? That’s the real question.

    • Just Pillow Talk says :

      Morb, I apologize, wakeboarding. But the dude driving the boat gets an arrow in the head…Jay shot him from the shore. And the impale in the head was so obvious…I mean, c’mon, I want to chuckle when I see them killed.

      When the other chick gets killed upstairs, when she’s poking around the shower curtain, they should have had big ‘ol Jay hunched over in the tub waiting for her instead of the usual waiting behind her thing.

      • MORBIUS says :

        “…when she’s poking around the shower curtain…”

        Was that before or after her boyfriend was poking around her back door?

        Always from behind, hmm, maybe Jay has proclivities for anal …

        Can’t remember exactly, was the boat in motion when or stopped when Jay shot him? Bow and arrow or crossbow? That would have been a hell-of-a-shot, even for Robin Hoo.d, or William Tell

      • MORBIUS says :

        And, before you ask, Robin Hoo.d was a distant relative of

        Robin Hood. Generally regarded as a better Fletcher than Archer.

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        Hola Morbius, I think George did a backdoor on some chick in the American, cause she was yelping up a storm when he flipped her over. Reminded me of the scene when Damien flips tv reporter over in the Final Conflict and gives her a right rogering

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        Robin hoo.d = Robin who dat? A saint!

      • MORBIUS says :

        Ho Toad, nice ta ‘see’ ya.

        The ‘Other Robin’ as he is renowned, was by trade a Fletcher.

        NOT to be confused with The FELCHER from Almada!

      • Just Pillow Talk says :

        After she was riding head douche in bed….

        Boat was in motion, Jay hit him using a crossbow, and the boat kept going and ended up clocking waterboarding boob girl in the head while she was bobbing around the lake. That was amusing.

      • MORBIUS says :

        To be sure,

        Also, the waterboarding boob girl (wbg) recieving the machete through her skull, had a nice deft touch to it! Doncha think?

      • koutchboom says :

        Willa Ford for the win.

  5. Continentalop says :

    Added bonus: a black douche in the mix, who has already complained about pissing on the poor black man. Um, this is fucking 2009 not 1980.

    The brother is handing out flyer’s and going around the area asking everyone if they have seen his missing sister, one of which is some hillbilly cock.

    I misread these two sections, thinking you meant the black “brother” was passing out flyers. I was confused for like five minutes.

  6. Continentalop says :

    Great review btw. When you finally get through this monstrous series I will make sure to go out that night and have a drink in your honor.

    I didn’t challenge him, but if JPT doesn’t win the Golden Chang for Continental Op challenge, these awards are a shame!

  7. ThereWolf says :

    I couldn’t be bothered with this movie when it came out & definitely won’t bother now.

    One to go; The Eagle. I’m gonna raise a glass to yer Pillow when I read that one, got a brand new bottle of Zubrowka waiting to be cracked open…

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