Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: Friday 13th (2009)
Welcome back to the series that has grown men crying like little girls. This journey has really been the stuff of nightmares, and in the future bloggers will no doubt use it to scare their children: “You behave yourself or I’ll make you review Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Series. It has tigers in hats in it”.
Still, there’s been a suspicious amount of grade inflation going on recently, but surely this crappy remake of a fairly crappy original can’t get off Scot free. I mean, it’s Platinum Dunes, for fuck’s sake! This is a nailed on 0 film, and if there’s any shenanigans and suspicious 1.27 ratings, then well, really, I will step in.
Let’s see if such drastic measures will be necessary
There are those who think I purposely juiced up my ratings to ensure I have a total average above 1.0. Tsk-tsk…to think that an Accountant…an honest profession mind you…would seek to “throw” a couple of film ratings just to avoid a below 1.0 rating. Just think about that…quibbling over whether I can stay above 1.0 for 39 fucking films! Ridiculous I say!
So in my next to last installment (praise 2for2true!), we have a remake of a silly horror series that has like 37 films in it, of which I’ve seen a few of, and I can honestly say I don’t remember shit about them. This opens with a bunch of douches who perfectly fit in with those teen shish kabobs from the 80’s who were fodder for various murderers and slashers. The gaggle of douches are camping near Camp Crystal, and right off the bat we get some boob and a dude getting killed by Jay. I’m assuming it’s okay if I just call you Jay right? I mean, I know I haven’t watched all of your movies like our misguided monkey, but I am watching your stupid remake, so we’re cool, right? Jay? Anyway the gaggle of douches turn to mince meat real quick.
Jump ahead to one and a half months later, and one of the chicks who was in the gaggle of douches has a brother who is now looking for her. We now have a new gaggle of douches, this time with way hotter bitches, which is a major plus. Added bonus: a black douche in the mix, who has already complained about pissing on the poor black man. Um, this is fucking 2009 not 1980.
The brother is handing out flyer’s and going around the area asking everyone if they have seen his missing sister, one of which is some hillbilly cock. Now, this hillbilly cock has been in the area for years it seems, and who does Jay kill next? Hillbilly cock. WTF. Eh, why am I even trying to make sense of the ‘plot’ of this. Guess they needed to fill the screen time with a needless death because Jay needed to wear his iconic hockey mask, and he finds one where he kills the hillbilly.
This movie is dreadful. Seriously…much worse than boring Firewall or even Step Up 2, though at least this has some boobs. I now know why I delayed watching this movie. Ugh. At least it did make me laugh when two of the douches decide to go water skiing and the dude in the boat gets an arrow to the head while driving, and the chick who fell off her skis gets banged in the head by the boat.
And in a SURPRISING turn of events, the dude looking for his sister, his sister is ALIVE. Shocking development. That’s because she has a strong resemblance to a chick in Jay’s locket that he keeps…guess his mom or something. It really doesn’t fucking matter.
Everyone dies except for the brother who rescues the sister from the clutches of crazy Jay, who they dispatch of via a sword in the chest. Or do they? For some reason that escapes me, they decide to dispatch of Jay into the lake. Er, why? He of course pops out of the lake and roll credits. Oooh…how crazy is that?
Fuck me this movie blew. I swear they slapped it together in like five days. By a blind man. What the hell was the point? If you’re going to do a movie like this, the gore should be over-the-top, gratuitous boob is a must, and there has to be at least a few scares or attempted scares. This failed in the gore department, too skimpy on the boob count, and zilch scares. A huge failure of a movie, so well done Mikey Bay since I see your name is associated with this abomination.
I give it a zero. It deserves nothing I say, nothing!
I am down to one film left to complete this delightful series. Pop open the champagne, crack open a cold one…it’s almost time to celebrate.
Next up: The Eagle
The nightmare so far:
1973 The World’s Greatest Athlete 1 / 4
1974 Deranged 0.5 / 4
1975 Shampoo 1.5 / 4
1976 Taxi Driver 3 / 4
1977 Black Samurai 1.5 / 4
1978 The Betsy 0 / 4
1979 Quintet 0 / 4
1980 Hero at Large 2/4
1981 Dogs of War 2.5/4
1982 The Beast Within 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom
1983 King of Comedy 3/4
1984 Blame it on Rio 0.5/4
1985 Lost in America 0/4
1986 Quicksilver 1/ 4
1987 84 Charing Cross Road 1/ 4
1988 Shoot to Kill 1/4
1989 The Mighty Quinn 2/4
1990 Revenge 2/4
1991 The Silence of the Lambs 4/4
1992 Wayne’s World 2.5/4
1993 The Temp 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom
1994 Blank Check 1/4
1995 Heavyweights 0.5/4
1996 Mr. Wrong 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom
1997 That Darn Cat 0/4
1998 Sphere 0/4
1999 Blast From the Past 1.5/4
2000 The Beach 0/4
2001 Down to Earth 0/4
2002 John Q 0: A double Orangutan of Doom!
2004 Fifty First Dates 1/4
2005 Son of the Mask 0/4 The Orangutan of Doom
2006 Firewall 1.5/4
2007 Daddy’s Little Girls 1/4
2009 Friday 13th 0/4
2010 Valentine’s Day 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom