Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Class of Nuke Em High Part 2: Subhumanoid Meltdown

We will not ask you to do anything embarrassing, humiliating, or abnormal at any time.

Jarv’s Rating: 2.5 Changs out of 4 and I damned nearly gave it 3 just for the giant mutant squirrel.

 Part two of the wonderfully misguided Class of Nuke ‘Em High trilogy has absolutely nothing in common with part 1. In fact, if I were to be cynical, then I might suggest that Troma deliberately stuck a completely unrelated film in as a sequel to cash in on the reasonable success of the first film. However, that doesn’t stop it being a damned entertaining little romp, even if considerations such as plot completely fall by the wayside.

Class of Nuke ‘Em High 2: Subhumanoid Meltdown takes place, allegedly, directly after the events of the first film. What with Tromaville High having being levelled by a big explosion, the town was clearly in need of a facility for education. So, the benevolent “Nukamama” corporation steps in and builds a giant nuclear power plant and houses the Troma Institute of Technology (TIT) in it, where students are encouraged to assist with the day-to-day running of the plant. Quite how this solves the problem of the high school’s destruction is one of many things never addressed in the film. Anyhoo, TIT has severe space restrictions, so the student body has to wear fuck all in the way of clothing. There’s also a psychotic gang, called the Squirrels, terrorising the students. The whole place is run by Dean Okra and Professor Holt and is really a secret laboratory for the development of “subhumanoids” that will become slave labour afterwards. Ooooh-kaaay, this isn’t confusing.

The film opens with a Troma style homage to Godzilla with a giant mutant squirrel called Tromie trashing the plant, pissing on cooling towers and vomiting all over the place. We’re introduced to our intrepid hero, a gigantic ass-pickle called Roger, who despite having a quite ridiculous ponytail and being built like a brick shithouse, seems to be a social outcast. Something to do with body odour apparently. Roger is attempting to carry his beloved girlfriend, Victoria (more on this in a moment), out of harms way, but for some reason is compelled to stop and narrate his story into a dictaphone. Victoria, meanwhile, is vomiting green goo and generally not in the best of health.

Right, where was I?

OK, the film then cuts to “2 weeks earlier” and follows Roger’s dismal attempts to get laid. Out of sheer desperation he’ signed up to a “sex study” which will get him some action, and the princely sum of $8 (which I reckon he needs more than the poon). He’s (yuck) number 65 and the experiment is to see how many men in a row a subhumanoid (Victoria) can pleasure. Yes, he is indeed stirring the biggest pot of porridge since breakfast at Culloden. Victoria also has, and fuck knows why, a second mouth where her belly button should be.

Roger, for reasons never properly explained, falls head of heels in love with Victoria (pointlessly as she’s probably on number 9002 by now). In the meantime, Professor Holt is explaining what she’s up to- which seems to be splicing (I wish I’d seen this before I saw Splice) DNA of different species together to create the subhumanoids. Her earlier attempts are kept in the cellar and include a bulimic half man half dolphin. The fully created subhumanoids (Droid may recognise them) are kept in the basement before being sent in to general population.

Dren preparing herself for a hook-nosed cornholing

Nearly there- I promise.

The Subhumanoids have a variety of attributes that make them valuable workers. One is a ridiculous level, by the standards of Tromaville in that they actually have some, of hand eye co-ordination. Unfortunately, they are prone to melting down and turning into disgusting little boglin type thingies. That can fly. Because that makes sense. This development is worrying Professor Holt, who is striving to create a vaccine (turns out to be surprisingly easy in the end) to prevent this. Dean Okra has other plans, though, and all hell breaks loose before a squirrel eats some toxic waste and grows into “Tromie” and we’re back at the start.

That was a bastard.

Class of Nuke ‘Em High 2 is, by any reasonable critical measure, a very, very bad film. It’s completely incoherent, the acting (particularly Brick Bronsky as utter chode Roger) is diabolical, and the special effects stink. Seriously, for the giant squirrel attack they have an obvious man in suit stand on cardboard houses and GI Joe figures. This is amusing, but really not competent. The stop motion effect on the dolphin-man thing are jerky as hell, and the flying furry boglin efforts are ludicrously awful. The writing is pretty abysmal as well, and there’s very little of the usual sly Troma intelligence at work. The only example is a billboard advertising Dolphin Meat in tuna tins, but that’s it. The score consists of some awful commissioned for this film filth called “Class of Nuke Em High 2: Subhumanoid Meltdown” sung by a dreadful Van Halen cover band. Or at least I think that’s who sings it.

 

However, none of this matters a jot. It’s confusing, insane, shoddy stuff but is also piss-takingly funny. The laughs come thick and fast and are supplied via sight gags(Holt’s ridiculous hairstyle), the occasional good line, and the odd unexpected cameo (Toxie shows up completely out of the blue). It is extremely funny.

As with all the best Troma, the boob count is astronomical. There’s a quite staggering amount of gratuitous juggs on display. I just wish, though, that they’d actually have attractive women get them out. These are not the most pleasant breasts you’ll ever see, and that goes doubly so for the nudity on the bald subhumanoid women. However, the gore count is non-existent. The odd subhumanoid melts down, and there’s an unpleasant scene with one eating glass, but as a rule, this is a Troma film with no gore. How strange.

Nevertheless, there were some seriously bad decisions made. Dean Okra, for example, talks in an excruciating high-pitched whine that is incessantly annoying and you can see the actor straining to produce the sound. They should clearly have just gone with his actual voice, as this is a gag that falls completely flat. Not to mention that there’s only so many times you can watch someone melt into green goo before it becomes somewhat tiresome, and the vast majority of the scenes with Roger actually attempting to be a journalist flirt with being painfully unfunny. I was actually quite pleased when his editor/ Journalism professor got chucked out of the window, because if I’d had to listen to one more cack-handed attempt at satire from her then I’d have chucked the DVD out of the window.

Overall, would I recommend it? Yes, I would. It may be seriously flawed, even by Troma’s standards, but there’s an unflagging anarchic energy and dedication to extreme bad taste that is hugely entertaining. It’s a riot, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself for the most part- the sequences with Tromie the squirrel, in particular, are hysterical.

Give it a whirl, Class of Nuke ‘Em High 2: Subhamanoid Meltdown is never less than great fun.

Until next time,

Jarv