Jarv’s Schlock Vault: One Eyed Monster

Want to know what the hell it sounded like? I think it sounded like… 30 men getting massacred by a dick

Jarv’s Rating: 2 and a half Changs out of 4. Honestly, and I know this sounds like the dumbest thing you’ll read all day (with the exception of the rest of the review), but this is intentionally funny.

Sometimes when a poor sap is forced to work on a Saturday he just wants to come home, have a beer, smoke a spliff and watch something very silly. This weekend that poor sap was me, and after a hard day’s feigning interest in the office, I duly came home, drank a beer, smoked some weed and put on One Eyed Monster. Which, to be honest, I didn’t have a lot of hope for.

One Eyed monster is a hugely juvenile premise. A group of adult film makers (including Ron Jeremy and Veronica Hart playing themselves) go out into the ass end of nowhere to make a scud film. Accompanying them is Buffy alumnae Amber Benson as a make up girl with an improbably crush on Jeremy, two sound/ lighting guys (Jason Graham and Caleb Mayo) a sleazy director who is in debt to loan sharks (Jeff Denton) and a whole host of porn stars (some of whom such as Carmen Hart are actual porn stars). Eventually through a really stupid deus-ex-machina Ron Jeremy’s cock gets possessed by an alien and then proceeds to spend the rest of the film menacing/killing the cast.

Believe it or not, but this is actually quite good. The whole film is played completely straight as an homage to films such as the Alien series, The Thing etc (there’s even a nod to our beloved Tremors in it), and is, actually genuinely quite amusing. Sure the premise is unbelievably crass, but the film itself is a bold, brazen, amusing little effort. Take, for example, the closing credits- there’s this little gem included if you pay attention:

The characters and incidents portrayed and the names herein are fictitious, and any similarity to the name, character, or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional, except for Ron Jeremy who really does have a 9 3/4 inch penis and who once fellated himself.

That’s indicative of the tone of the movie- straight as a knife blade but with a knowing edge. It’s also nice to see that the porn actors were clearly in on the joke- Jeremy himself (obviously), but the rest of them also seem to be having a whale of a time sending up themselves, their image and their industry.

The script is full of great little jabs at pornography- Ron explaining the terrors of aging and image problems to Veronica is astonishingly quite touching, but culminates with the hilarious “but I can’t suck my own dick any more”. Or take, for example, his forlorn paean to the way things were in the 70’s. Ron’s gutted because back then, his films had an actual plot, and best of all he had his very own trailer to chill out in. I particularly liked Carmen Hart rehearsing and having to stop because she couldn’t remember the line (which is, incidentally, “Fuck me harder”), it’s a very funny scene.

Which brings me on to the acting. I’ve never seen a Ron Jeremy smut film, but I do believe that he might actually be able to act. He’s touching on occasion here, and portrays a world-weariness that is quite surprising. Although it does have to be said that the high point of his performance is his deliberately wooden acting during the only porn sequence shot- it’s damned funny. Veronica Hart is also surprisingly good as the past it ex-porn star, and Graham and Mayo are both excellent. However, the real acting kudos go to Charles Napier who reels of a lengthy Quint-style Lusitiania speech about a killer dong he saw in ‘Nam. He’s absolutely first-rate and really steals the film from the other actors.

Surprisingly, for a film about pornographers being menaced by a killer schlong, there’s not a lot in the way of nudity or shagging. There’s a few very soft-core fully dressed fuck-scenes (one of which is the aforementioned porn shoot), and Carmen gets her juggs out briefly, but that’s it. There’s also virtually nothing in the way of gore in the film. It’s playful rather than nasty and the killings as a rule (there is one exception) don’t take place on camera. As a result, there’s no need for special effects here (which is just as well as they don’t have the budget) and the film is arguably the better for it. I, personally, don’t want to see a killer unit bash its way through a starlet’s head, and so I can happily live without this.

To replace the lack of gore and nudity this is a film stuffed full of references to other films, and it’s actually quite good fun spotting them. There’s the aforementioned nod to Jaws etc,  but probably the most amusing is that they rip off Alien wholesale by having the two behind scenes guys jury rig a motion detector. This is funny, believe it or not, and the whole film is stuffed full of touches like this.

Now for the downside, and it is fairly substantial. One Eyed Monster is a one-joke film, and it can’t possibly keep it going for a full feature run-time. The natural end of the film is actually fairly early on, but the film limps on and on past this point. The end, when it comes, is both boring and embarrassing and despite being pathetically foreshadowed in the early scenes of the film, just falls completely flat. It’s a shame, actually, because with a better third act this could have been a storming little film rather than a mildly amusing one.

Furthermore, as a horror comedy, it’s a failure. I’m sorry to say, but at no point is One Eyed Monster scary. The last two-thirds of the film are essentially structured as a horror film, but they don’t really work. The film is at its most comfortable when sending up porn and pornographers and feels unsure of itself when it is forced to become a horror movie. There are sequences that just don’t work (the rat and the chase through the cave) for example, and the film feels like it needs some gore and violence. Which it can’t show, because it’s treading a very fine line here, and the potential to pass over into “sick” is just too high.

Overall, I do actually recommend this. I was fairly intoxicated when I watched it, but it wasn’t at all what I was expecting and furthermore One Eyed Monster supplied plenty of belly laughs that were just the job after being forced to work on a Saturday. I’m nigh on certain that it won’t stand up to repeat viewings, but as a one-off it certainly passed the time. Oh, and I love that strapline.

Until next time,


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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

19 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: One Eyed Monster”

  1. Jarv says :

    Best film about a killer penis ever made.

  2. DocPazuzu says :

    Also one of those movies I’ve had for quite a while but haven’t gotten around to seeing yet (damn you, life of a respectable parent).

    Jeremy actually can act and Veronica Hart is also very good. I’ve seen vast amounts of 70s and 80s porn and more often than you’d think a lot of the actors showed real thespian talent. Mike Horner, John Leslie, Kay Parker, Colleen Brennan, and Herschel Savage were all excellent actors as well as smuttos.

    • Jarv says :

      It’s a genuine surprise that Jeremy has range. I’ve never seen Hart in anything at all, or anything where Jeremy is anything more than the smallest of cameos- the likes of Killing Zoe.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        I think hart was a classically trained actress (like Kay Parker) before going porno.

      • Jarv says :

        Wouldn’t be surprised looking at her here. The scene with her and Jeremy (“Show him what a porn STAR is”) is surprisingly touching.

  3. Col Tigh-Fighter says :

    Haha, sounds genuinely intruiging/

    Im sure I heard of another film where Ron Jeremy was apparently very good in it. Guess there’s a struggling thesp trying to get out of his pants too.

    He was even in Mobys “We are all made of stars” video. Someone give the guy a lead role. Even porn stars can get gravitas with age! lol

    On the subject of porn stars acting, I thought the blonde porn actress in Zack & Miri Make a Porno was very good, and rather sweet as well. I quite liked that film. Didnt think it was the nightmare it seems to be painted as. Although comedy Backhole Seth Rogan is in it!

    • Jarv says :

      I saw a documentary on Jeremy and he, apparently, keeps this ledger with the phone numbers of everyone he meets that can put him in a film. He’s been in thousands of films in a blink-and-you’ll miss him capacity.

      He came across as really eccentric.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        Was that the doc where they showed his stand-up act in Vegas? As lovable as the guy is, that was excruciating to watch.

        Apparently, he used to be a high school teacher in NYC before turning to the adult biz.

        And yes, I’ve seen the movie where he sucks his own dick. I’m not proud of that.

    • Jarv says :

      I haven’t seen Zack and Miri because I fucking can’t stand Rogen. It also seems to be a bit of a marmite film in that those that don’t like it fucking hate it.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        Marmite is sheer fucking diabolism in a jar.

      • Jarv says :

        You think it’s bad in a jar- you should try a Marmite flavoured vodka shot.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        Fucking hell, that sounds positively repellent.

      • Col Tigh-Fighter says :

        Marmite rules! And Im now itching to try that Marmite vodka! lol

        I also hate Seth Rogan. I couldnt finish The Green Hornet because of him. And I rarely “walk out” of films. Fucking scumbag.

        He is the most Meh actor after Jack Black.

        But Zack & Miri is a good flick. Good supporting cast so you can forget about him often.

      • Jarv says :

        I’m one of the few people that doesn’t care either way about Marmite. However, Marmite Vodka is evil, toxic shit that tastes exactly like incredibly alcoholic sea water.

  4. Echo the Bunnyman says :

    Jarv, prepare for surprise, but I have seen this. Completely by accident, mind you. It was back in the early days of AIBN and Cinematropolis. I was gonna cover a movie for the Weekly Creepy and found this, not connecting the title other than figuring it was a lewd play on words–not that it would feature a monster penis.

    I think this one, like Evil Bong before it, has benefited from the weed and alocohol consumption. I’ll give you that a few of the scenes are clever, and yes there are a ton of movie references in there, but it just didn’t hang together (pun intended) even as schlock.

    I grew bored with it after about a half hour or so, and its surprisngly played straighter than I would have expected. The problem is that there isn’t any suspense or tension and, as you pointed out, Jeremy is the most sympathetic cast member which proves problematic given the course of the plot.

    Charles Napier was amusing in his role but I just couldn’t find much to get excited about with this. You are right that it’s curiously tame considering the subject matter, which I was quite thankful for.

    • Jarv says :

      It’s funny, because I know I’m overrating it due to being stoned, and I said specifically that it is a one-joke movie that runs out of steam badly.

      However, up to a point there is at least one laugh in every scene- “how long will the lighting take?” for example.

      I deliberately didn’t give it 3 Changs because I didn’t want a repeat of the Evil Bong fiasco.

  5. Droid says :

    This is a movie that I always imagined sounded much funnier than it really was, which is why I never bothered watching it. But it seems like you chose the perfect time to watch it. With the aid of some booze and pot it probably is fairly enjoyable.

    And I have no opinion on marmite because I’ve never had it. Vegemite on the other hand is AWESOME!!!

    • Jarv says :

      It’s much better than it has any right to be, but really, at the end of the day it is a one joke film and if I hadn’t been stoned to the gills I’d probably have rated it at about 1.5-2. I’ve got no desire at all to ever watch it again.

      There’s a good joke early on when they’re filming and the director says “Right Ron, take off the sweater” to which he replies “I’m not wearing one”.

      It is funny, and Jeremy is astonishingly likable in it.

  6. ThereWolf says :

    Sounds like a one-watch, with beer. I’ll go for that.

    Ron sucking his own knob? Probably don’t need to ever see that.

    Marmite vodka? (sound FX: wolf retching violently…)

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