The view from the couch: The catch up begins.

Christ, it’s been a while since I’ve reviewed anything, due to Halloween remake 2 breaking my brain, and not in a good way, but having spent the last three months with a baby in the house, we’ve not really watched anything in the way of films. What we have watched, however, is a whole shitload of TV. So, brace yourself for a stampede of mini-reviews, for stuff that you’ve all probably seen already.

As is usual with this, I’ll be honest about how long I stuck to each series before throwing poo at it.

Also, I’m so far behind, I’m splitting this mammoth post into sections. This is part one.

Contains spoilers, and lots of them, below

REVIEW – Guardians of the Galaxy: Space Camp

By zombie_fatigue

Many thanks to zombie_fatigue for writing up this review of Marvel’s latest exercise in mediocrity (I say sight unseen). Cheers mate.

Jules Verne’s Rocket To The Moon (1967)

Director: Don Sharp

Starring: Burl Ives, Terry-Thomas, Gert Frobe

 

Ah, Jules Verne… the mere mention of the monicker conjures up visions of wildly far-fetched machinery, Victorian steampunk and all that, not to mention a dash of outlandish wildlife. Rejoice – they’re sending little Jimmy Clitheroe to the moon! Whoa, hold on a mo, the squeaky-voiced fella from a bygone age of wireless, The Clitheroe Kid? May contain cartoon slapstick and spoilers…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Grabbers!

Get away from him you CUNT!

Beer: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems. Even up to inexplicable squid beasts that crawl off the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

There was no way in hell I wasn’t going to love Grabbers. It’s set in Ireland, stars Richard Coyle, who I like from Coupling on the BBC years ago, and features alcohol prominently. Not to mention that it also has giant inexplicable tentacle beasts with a severe attitude problem. Seriously, throw in some gratuitous nudity and a midget or two and I’m in heaven. That it’s also quite a good little film, certainly one that transcends its pathetic budget, is merely a bonus. It does also feature that twat from Being Human sporting a terrible Upper Class English accent, but you can’t have everything.

Contains dipsomania and spoilers below

Jarv’s view from the couch part 2: Comedy and Drama

I know technically DarkPlace was a comedy, but I’m splitting this TV series into manageable bite-sized chunks.

Anyway, this time around, I’m looking at another cancelled British comedy, and a long running and grotesquely overrated American series.

Jarv’s view from the couch: Part 1 (Sci-fi and Horror)

This is normally Droid’s territory, but work has been kicking my arse to such an extent that I have literally not watched a movie of any description for absolutely yonks. However, Lovefilm has stuffed a whole load of TV up on the On-Demand service, and I have been watching that. So, this will include a brief capsule review of everything I’ve seen in 2013. Many of these series I started and then abandoned for being either a) shit or b) too much  for my lazy brain to deal with.

I’m not bothering with ratings for this lot, as I’ll be here all day. I will try to be clear though.

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Candy Stripers

We’re running out of patients!

I’m going to break out the world’s smallest violin here.

I was due to spend this Christmas with my family in Scotland. This, at the best of times, is a horrifying prospect, involving arguments, enough Scotch to kill a small island, more arguments, shite food and I have to take the train for the privilege. However, due to a contact lens related disaster, I had to disembark the train at Newcastle and go to casualty. The lens had gone bad, and had sealed itself to my eye. As such, it had gouged the surface of my cornea, and I couldn’t get the bastard out. Anyhow, the Doctor removed it (made a sound like velcro when he took it out), gave me a telling off, and made me come back in the next day (Christmas Eve).

So, what has this got to do with a shady little B-Movie? Simple, he prescribed me three sets of eye drops and ordered me to stay up 24 hours putting them in every hour on the hour. This would, I felt, be a challenge as I was bound to be half cut and ready for bed. There was but one solution: watch any old bollocks on TV and hope for the best. So, at 2AM on 24th December, your humble narrator was sitting in a severely uncomfortable chair, shivering in a room with no heating watching Candy Stripers on The Horror Channel. This is by far the most stringent test that I’ve ever put a schlock vault entry through. The goal was simple: Candy Stripers had to be entertaining enough to stop my dozing off. 

Made in Britain: Kill Keith

I am sure I’ve ranted about this before, but if there’s one genre that we really are atrocious at in the 21st Century, then that’s  comedy. We’re turning out classy horror after classy horror, have a nice line in gritty action and are all over misery porn, but since Shaun of the Dead, I can’t honestly think of a worthwhile comedy. Not one. This is astonishing, because we have a strong legacy with comedy (if you ignore most of the Carry on Films) dating all the way back to Ealing in the 30’s. Yet, something in the 21st Century seems to have gone pear shaped, and every comedy I’ve seen is about as funny as an Aussie DJ’s prank phone call. So, when Kill Keith landed on my doorstep, despite me knowing next to nothing about it, I wasn’t particularly hopeful, in fact, all I wanted was that someone was actually going to kill Keith Chegwin. Preferably messily.

Quantum Droid – Looper (2012) vs Safety Not Guaranteed (2012)

Originally, this review was going to be about ‘Looper’. Then I saw a small indie film that was on my radar since the Sundance film festival earlier in the year called ‘Safety Not Guaranteed’. Both films revolve around the subject of time travel, but their respective approaches are completely different. A comparison might make interesting reading. We’ll see.

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Honky Tonk Freeway (1981)

I think I’ve accidentally meandered, possibly while drunk, into Droid’s forthcoming bombs series. That is the only explanation I can come up with for the cinematic boredom that flitted its way across my screen on Sunday. Not only was Honky Tonk Freeway (Release date 21st August in America) terrible, but it is one of the biggest bombs in history, taking a mighty $2m from a $25m budget in 1981. The question I have to ask, though, is who on earth decided that this was the film to spend that whack of cash on? Seriously, who? Oh, and while I’m thinking about it, this was also a real bastard to find, and I ended up watching  almost all of it on YouTube. So, thanks for that too- this was probably the only way I could have found to make the entire experience more of a trial.

Contains an elephant on water skis and a singular lack of comedy not to mention mild spoilers below