Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Blood Orgy of the She-Devils.

“I’m no more magic than most people”

Jarv’s Rating: 0 Fucking Changs. Walter not only most unimpressed- but also actively angry and want Burt to shoot this fucking piece of shit with his Elephant Gun.

It’s been a while since I did a hatchet job on a film, as I seem to have seen nothing but good films (schlock or otherwise) since Ankle Biters. This has probably come at a good time for me, as I was running low on superlatives.

Strap in, this one’s going to be bumpy.

I’m going to quickly establish the rules of this review- as it’s going to be unique. They clearly couldn’t be bothered, so I don’t feel inclined to help them out.

1. No actor, crew member or other person that worked on this shall be named. They aren’t worth the bother of me looking it up. Instead they shall henceforth be known as: *insert description* Cunt.
2. There will be no pictures. It wasn’t worth the bother of me taking a screenshot, and it certainly isn’t worth me going to the bother of looking them up on the internets.
3. There will be an extreme amount of profanity in this review.
4. I am going to severely spoil what passes for a plot. You’ll thank me.
5. There will be no concluding recommendation, although I will conclude with a two word summary of this bag of shit.

I wish nothing but pain and suffering on everybody involved with this. Not death, because that’s too harsh, but instead I hope they all have uncomfortable diseases and no fucking money. I want them all to be toothless, lice-ridden crack whores reduced to sucking on an effluent pipe for sustenance. This is, I feel, just punishment for the film that’s managed to jump straight up my list of hated films into the top 10.

I feel let down and lied to, and if I’m honest, more than a little pissed off. I mean, really, how fucking dare they take a title as good as this one, give it a plot summary that sounds like absolute gold, somehow manage to con the fucking censor into an 18 certificate and publish a fucking DVD cover like that, and then have NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH ANY OF IT.

FUCK YOURSELVES, CUNTS.

This, and I hesitate to use this word, film is absolute fucking garbage on every level. It was made in 1972, so I was hoping for some Hammer-esque fun, but it isn’t like that. It is horribly dated- the title scene especially is a throwback to old movies where they just showed the entire cast and crew over one or two images. They do that here- except the image is of a pair of eyes staring at the screen in a green swirly vortex thing and lasts about 20 minutes. I’m not fucking kidding. How fucking dull is that? My temper snapped completely and I started fast forwarding it. This is not how you open a schlock film.

It then, mercifully cuts to a black mass. Huzzah! thinks I, like the stupid, easily gulled cunt that I am. Unfortunately, they manage to fuck up a black mass. How do you fuck up a black mass? It should be easy. Simply take the following elements: hot chicks, nakedness, brevity, brutal murder, crap special effect and daft soundtrack and mix them together. A fucking retard could manage it, but these cunts, who are clearly more stupid than the retarded, somehow manage to fuck it up. What we get is partially clothed, reasonably attractive women, shuffling in a circle while some dried up old prune of a cunt reads out in V-E-R-Y fucking S-L-O-W, pompous, grandstanding tones a fucking made up psuedo-satanic ritual, before some other cunt starts playing the fucking bongos and their shuffling builds to a fucking crescendo of boredom and incompetence and they actually stab some poor cunt, but mostly off camera with no blood so you don’t even fucking see anything.

The plot then hops around all over the place, including a fucking stupid amount of exposition (that’s also woefully inconsistent- we’re told that supernatural shenanigans are all about the focus of the mind by professor cunt, but then head witch cunt keeps summoning Lucifer, and his supernatural old men alleged ass kickers are all fucking priests; make up your fucking minds, cunts), really cunty past life flashbacks that make no fucking sense to man or beast, a fucking laughable series of supernatural “hits”, 2 student cunts, an alleged academic cunt who has the power of psychosomethingorother that means not only can he telepathically see what’s happening from touching an object but in the films limp and soggy climax can shoot fucking electricity from his fucking fingers, and a fucking séance that involves talentless head witch cunt straining and moaning on her throne as if she’s trying to pass the largest turd since the one that killed Elvis (I’m not joking about this, she even goes red with exertion) before speaking in the most retarded and derogatory pigeon native American since, well, ever.

I’ll give her fucking “papoose” whatever the fuck “papoose” is.

This film, in case you’re wondering, sucks a truly Annabel Chong-ian amount of cock.

However, and this is what finally tipped me over the edge with it, there’s the climax of the film. To be honest, by this point I was completely lost, irritated and bored. I didn’t have the first clue what was going on, except that somehow head witch cunt had some kind of cunty mental control over a group of young cunts who turned up at her ludicrous seances with their fucking boyfriends. For some reason, the black mass starts up again. “Fucking finally”, thinks I, “It’s going to earn its 18 here.” Does it? does it fuck. Instead we get the same fucking ridiculous “dancing” to fucking tone deaf and arrythmical bongo drums, except this time they somehow manage to make it even worse than before. Some stupid cunt positioned the camera far too low and far too close to the altar, so every few seconds a giant out of focus ass spasmodically wobbles it’s way in front of the screen. It may be a nice ass, I’m not sure,  but you sure as fuck can’t tell because it’s blurry as fuck. In the meantime, alleged professor cunt has got together a group of serious looking religious cunts to stare at the green glow over the coven, and they’re going to magically put a stop to it. It cuts back and forth between these two scenes for ages, before the whole fucking set starts to shake for no reason and everyone in the room dies for no reason. Old cunts enter the room, stare at the dead for a while, before throwing a plastic bat on the fire. This apparently makes everything alright.

Well, it did for me because THAT’S THE FUCKING END!.

This film, just in case I haven’t been clear, is a boring, abominably written, atrociously acted, disgrace to celluloid. I would rather sit through Ankle Biters than watch it again.

Overall:

Unwatchable. Avoid.

Until next time,

Jarv.