Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Blood Orgy of the She-Devils.

“I’m no more magic than most people”

Jarv’s Rating: 0 Fucking Changs. Walter not only most unimpressed- but also actively angry and want Burt to shoot this fucking piece of shit with his Elephant Gun.

It’s been a while since I did a hatchet job on a film, as I seem to have seen nothing but good films (schlock or otherwise) since Ankle Biters. This has probably come at a good time for me, as I was running low on superlatives.

Strap in, this one’s going to be bumpy.

I’m going to quickly establish the rules of this review- as it’s going to be unique. They clearly couldn’t be bothered, so I don’t feel inclined to help them out.

  1. No actor, crew member or other person that worked on this shall be named. They aren’t worth the bother of me looking it up. Instead they shall henceforth be known as: *insert description* Cunt.
  2. There will be no pictures. It wasn’t worth the bother of me taking a screenshot, and it certainly isn’t worth me going to the bother of looking them up on the internets.
  3. There will be an extreme amount of profanity in this review.
  4. I am going to severely spoil what passes for a plot. You’ll thank me.
  5. There will be no concluding recommendation, although I will conclude with a two word summary of this bag of shit.

I wish nothing but pain and suffering on everybody involved with this. Not death, because that’s too harsh, but instead I hope they all have uncomfortable diseases and no fucking money. I want them all to be toothless, lice-ridden crack whores reduced to sucking on an effluent pipe for sustenance. This is, I feel, just punishment for the film that’s managed to jump straight up my list of hated films into the top 10.

I feel let down and lied to, and if I’m honest, more than a little pissed off. I mean, really, how fucking dare they take a title as good as this one, give it a plot summary that sounds like absolute gold, somehow manage to con the fucking censor into an 18 certificate and publish a fucking DVD cover like that, and then have NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH ANY OF IT.

FUCK YOURSELVES, CUNTS.

This, and I hesitate to use this word, film is absolute fucking garbage on every level. It was made in 1972, so I was hoping for some Hammer-esque fun, but it isn’t like that. It is horribly dated- the title scene especially is a throwback to old movies where they just showed the entire cast and crew over one or two images. They do that here- except the image is of a pair of eyes staring at the screen in a green swirly vortex thing and lasts about 20 minutes. I’m not fucking kidding. How fucking dull is that? My temper snapped completely and I started fast forwarding it. This is not how you open a schlock film.

It then, mercifully cuts to a black mass. Huzzah! thinks I, like the stupid, easily gulled cunt that I am. Unfortunately, they manage to fuck up a black mass. How do you fuck up a black mass? It should be easy. Simply take the following elements: hot chicks, nakedness, brevity, brutal murder, crap special effect and daft soundtrack and mix them together. A fucking retard could manage it, but these cunts, who are clearly more stupid than the retarded, somehow manage to fuck it up. What we get is partially clothed, reasonably attractive women, shuffling in a circle while some dried up old prune of a cunt reads out in V-E-R-Y fucking S-L-O-W, pompous, grandstanding tones a fucking made up psuedo-satanic ritual, before some other cunt starts playing the fucking bongos and their shuffling builds to a fucking crescendo of boredom and incompetence and they actually stab some poor cunt, but mostly off camera with no blood so you don’t even fucking see anything.

The plot then hops around all over the place, including a fucking stupid amount of exposition (that’s also woefully inconsistent- we’re told that supernatural shenanigans are all about the focus of the mind by professor cunt, but then head witch cunt keeps summoning Lucifer, and his supernatural old men alleged ass kickers are all fucking priests; make up your fucking minds, cunts), really cunty past life flashbacks that make no fucking sense to man or beast, a fucking laughable series of supernatural “hits”, 2 student cunts, an alleged academic cunt who has the power of psychosomethingorother that means not only can he telepathically see what’s happening from touching an object but in the films limp and soggy climax can shoot fucking electricity from his fucking fingers, and a fucking séance that involves talentless head witch cunt straining and moaning on her throne as if she’s trying to pass the largest turd since the one that killed Elvis (I’m not joking about this, she even goes red with exertion) before speaking in the most retarded and derogatory pigeon native American since, well, ever.

I’ll give her fucking “papoose” whatever the fuck “papoose” is.

This film, in case you’re wondering, sucks a truly Annabel Chong-ian amount of cock.

However, and this is what finally tipped me over the edge with it, there’s the climax of the film. To be honest, by this point I was completely lost, irritated and bored. I didn’t have the first clue what was going on, except that somehow head witch cunt had some kind of cunty mental control over a group of young cunts who turned up at her ludicrous seances with their fucking boyfriends. For some reason, the black mass starts up again. “Fucking finally”, thinks I, “It’s going to earn its 18 here.” Does it? does it fuck. Instead we get the same fucking ridiculous “dancing” to fucking tone deaf and arrythmical bongo drums, except this time they somehow manage to make it even worse than before. Some stupid cunt positioned the camera far too low and far too close to the altar, so every few seconds a giant out of focus ass spasmodically wobbles it’s way in front of the screen. It may be a nice ass, I’m not sure,  but you sure as fuck can’t tell because it’s blurry as fuck. In the meantime, alleged professor cunt has got together a group of serious looking religious cunts to stare at the green glow over the coven, and they’re going to magically put a stop to it. It cuts back and forth between these two scenes for ages, before the whole fucking set starts to shake for no reason and everyone in the room dies for no reason. Old cunts enter the room, stare at the dead for a while, before throwing a plastic bat on the fire. This apparently makes everything alright.

Well, it did for me because THAT’S THE FUCKING END!.

This film, just in case I haven’t been clear, is a boring, abominably written, atrociously acted, disgrace to celluloid. I would rather sit through Ankle Biters than watch it again.

Overall:

Unwatchable. Avoid.

Until next time,

Jarv.

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

48 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Blood Orgy of the She-Devils.”

  1. xiphos0311 says :

    So they’re cunts? I’m unclear.

    A papoose is a baby.

  2. Jarv says :

    Just for the avoidance of doubt. Everyone involved in this, including Lovefilm for carrying it and me for being stupid enough to fall for it, is a cunt.

  3. Droid says :

    Am I a cunt for reading this?

  4. Bartleby says :

    Cunting brilliant review. I read the whole thing and couldn’t figure out what the hell the movie was about, but I suspect that’s the movie’s fault and not yours. Love your description of the misplaced camera with blurry backsides wiggling into view from time to time.

    This sounds truly inept.

  5. Tom_Bando says :

    This would play in Apache Jct well I think.

  6. Jarv says :

    It’s allegedly about witchcraft- Jonah, but it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

    One guy turns up and tries to pay head witch 40,000 rupees (which suggests he’s indian) to kill the Rhodesian ambassador- for no apparent reason. They then renege on the deal and try to kill the witch.

    It’s so ham fisted and inept- I can’t think of a single redeeming feature to it. There isn’t even any nudity.

  7. Jarv says :

    Which brings me to a question I was going to ask in the review- Aside from Suspiria/ Argento in general, has there ever actually been a good film about Witchcraft?

    The Craft is meh, Blair Witch is shit, Covenant is hilarious but shit, this is obviously shit, and I just can’t think of a good one.

  8. Tom_Bando says :

    Depends on whether you’d call ‘Sex and the City’ ‘good’ or not…

  9. Droid says :

    The Witches of Eastwick? (I have no idea if it’s good or not. I saw it about 20 years ago)

    But Jarv, all you need to do is wait a couple of months until…

    SEASON OF THE WITCH!!!

  10. Droid says :

    Anyone seen Necromancy? With Orson Welles?

  11. Bartleby says :

    Necromancy, aka The Witching is painful to watch…
    It does have the naked witch rituals that Jarv missed in this one, but everything is presided over by a large, bloated Charles Foster Kane.

    He’s fine, but everything else isnt…

    It’s like a longer, more embarassing version of this:

    Muaah….the french champagne….

    • Jarv says :

      If you’re going to do a black mass in a film called “Blood Orgy of the She Devils” then there sure as fuck better be gratuitous nudity- preferably enough fur (to paraphrase Porky’s) to knit a jumper.

      And I want to see some gore and violence as well.

  12. Bartleby says :

    Good movies about witches:

    Hmm, there’s that Haxan thingee, which isn’t good, but it’s interesting…I guess.

    Bell Book and Candle is a goone one, with Jim Stewart.

    The Devils Rain is more centered around satanists but it has william shatner and ernest borgnine with goat horns. Score!

    Again, in the satan camp, there’s the recent House of the Devil which is better than the whole lot of them.

    Jarv, don’t forget Warlock from the 80s….starring Julian ‘Licking’ Sands, Lori Singer and Richard E. Grant. That’s a proper bit of schlock.

    Warlock: The Armageddon, however, is pretty much pure crap.

    Oh yea, Bedknobs and Broomsticks! No orgies there though…

    Also there was some recent series about a some poncy brit kid with glasses and a scar, but I can’t remember the title… I think a few of those were good.

    • Jarv says :

      Warlock and The Devil’s Rain! Huzzah! Hilarious.

      Warlock 2 is quite funny.

      B&B is kiddy film so discounted, and Harry Potter (spits on floor) is about a public school ponce and technically magic in general other than witchcraft.

      I took this film really badly.

      • Bartleby says :

        is warlock 2 funny? I remember the original actually being hilarious…he boils a kid to eat the fat so he can fly, and richard e. grant gets stopped at the airport for trying to carry a bloody weathervane onto the plane. Also, take that whole plot bit where Julian Sands bites out a gay guy’s tongue and spits it in the omelet and Lori Singer running about in old age makeup and Paula Abdul leather get-up and it’s technically a comedy.

        The sequel though,as I remember, took itself somewhat seriously and was just kind of idiotic, including neon outline Satan at the end.

        There was one pretty clever scene aping a western where Sands shoots down two potential hitman with his finger, blows off the smoke, and then screams ridiculously into the sky “Is that the best you can do???”

      • Jarv says :

        It was a bit po-faced but he made a guy into an abstract sculpture!

        That was hilarious. The magic gypsy biker kids was lame though.

    • M. Blitz says :

      DAmmit Bartleby, you beat me to The Devil’s Rain!!! Saw that on TV late one night, had never heard of it, and proceeded to be completely fucking amazed…

  13. Bartleby says :

    a goone one? what the….

    a*good* one

  14. Droid says :

    The Crucible!

  15. koutchboom says :

    Ummmm The Witches.

  16. Bartleby says :

    the problem with the witches is that it isn’t a film about witchcraft. The witches in that movie are more like a breed of monster or fairy. They seem to be an entire different breed of critter, which is cool by me. It’s a fun movie.

  17. herr milflover says :

    wow, I can almost feel your pain just reading the review, I cant imagine what it would be like to watch the movie.
    Are those Suicide Girls on the cover?

    Rob Zombie should do a remake, I’m guessing the rights to it wouldn’t be too expensive. Plus he likely couldn’t do a worse job even if he tried and people wouldnt bitch about him ruining another horror classic.

    Also: cunt. Not referring to anything in particular, it just needed to be said some more.

    • Jarv says :

      It’s so frustrating, because it looks like it should be an exploitation classic and it’s a festering bung hole.

      Not impressed.

  18. just pillow talk says :

    Sigh…yet another film that ruins a perfectly good title.

    There should be a schlock tax on anyone involved in a schlock film that does not live up to schlockiness and the potential of a golden title.

  19. Continentalop says :

    Night of the Eagle (aka Burn, Witch, Burn) is an interesting witch movie. Based on Fritz Leiber’s Conjure Wife.

    Race With the Devil is a fun movie about Satanist with nude orgy.

    And Curse of the Demon is a great movie about evil witches (and warlocks) and the demons they summon.

  20. koutchboom says :

    There was that new failed Whiches of Eastwick show. And Charmed.

  21. Tom_Bando says :

    Here’s one for ya Jarv: Satan’s Black Wedding from ’76. Enjoy.

  22. MORBIUS says :

    O Fucking Changs, but how many goat hooves up on the Alamada Scale?

    A hint of bestiality perhaps? Or animal sacrifices?

    • Tom_Bando says :

      Sounds like two goat hooves Down, WAYYYY Down—on the Almada scale. But Jarv is the one to go to for the final say on that, he saw the movie AKA took one for the team here.

  23. jarv says :

    Nope no animal sacrifices.

    I can’t stress this enough, there is nothing of interest in this film.

  24. Bartleby says :

    Curse of the Demon was good stuff… don’t know how I forgot it. Again, I can’t really recommend House of the Devil enough for fans of those 70s/80s satanist paranoia flicks. Its not schlock but an honest to goodness good horror movie. See it when ya can Jarv.

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