All Daddy Wanted Was a Blow Job. Children of the Corn 5: Fields of Terror

This comes as a massive shock, but this version of Children of the Corn isn’t anywhere near as hopelessly shit as the last 2. It’s not any good, sure enough, and covers material that’s been done far better elsewhere, but it’s at least an inoffensive diversion for a few hours.

The problem with all the Children of the Corn sequels that aren’t The Final Sacrifice is that the premise of the whole series doesn’t support multiple films. This forces anyone with the misguided urge to make a Children of the Corn Sequel to find more and more elaborate reasons for the premise continuing on. Even in part 2, by far the most successful of the series, they still struggled to explain quite why anyone would take these clearly homicidal children in. This time out, we know exactly where this film is heading because the main characters are a group of teenage douchebags drinking and driving in rural Nebraska. Oh, and one of them has bought along an inflatable sex doll for some reason.

As soon as you see the teenage douchebags, it’s flaming obvious where the fuck this is headed: slashertown. To be fair, it’s not a bad slasher, being relentlessly competent and completely uninspiring. He who walks behind the rows is at it again, he’s managed to recruit another cult of homicidal kids to worship his particularly dismal and anti fun religion. Our intrepid drunken teenagers have been drawn in, one thing leads to another, scythes are taken to body parts and that’s really all I have to say about the plot.

The acting it par for the course here. Stacy Galina and Alexis Arquette play the leads and are servicable. Eva Mendes is the most interesting addition here, even if she doesn’t take her clothes off, as the teenager who does become embroiled with the cult, but she’s a bit wasted here and has one of the most pitiful deaths ever recorded. The teen cast, all in all, really aren’t bad. There are some fun cameos to be had, notably David Carradine and Kane Hodder, but if I’m forced to describe the acting then the word I’d use is competent. Even down to deranged kid cult leader- he’s got none of the insanity of Isaac, Micah or even Eli in previous installments.

The writing, on the other hand, is completely and utterly insipid. This is a slasher film by numbers, so it’s fucking obvious where it’s going. Furthermore, Mendes really struggles with the pitiful reasons for taking up the religion and her throwing herself in the fire is just woeful. It doesn’t make sense. Still, as a slasher by numbers, I can’t really criticise it.

This is a really short review, because I’ve got nothing to say. This is a redundant exercise on my behalf- everything about this film is mundane and as such it is nigh-on impossible to be interesting about it. It’s not a bad film, certainly better than parts 3 and 4, but it isn’t really a good film and although I only saw it a few days ago, I’m really struggling to recall what I watched. There are frankly millions of fucking slashers out there, and Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror is a middle of the row entrant in the genre. The unsettling cultist atmosphere has gone, completely crushed by the weight of mediocre to shit sequels and instead there’s just a slightly depressing sense of Déja Vu to proceedings.

Overall, would I recommend it? No, not really. It’s  inoffensive and mundane but as it is a slasher film (and I’ve seen more of those than I care to think about) it isn’t really remarkable. If you do feel a compelling urge to watch a slasher movie, then go and watch the original Halloween. If you feel an urge to watch a Children of the Corn movie, then go and watch either the first or the second. There is absolutely no reason at all for this film to exist, and certainly no compelling reason to root it out. It’s celluloid muzak. I give it 1.5 Changs.

Next up is the worst film of the series so far, the execrable 666 Isaac’s return, which is so bad that it’s actually making me think fondly of this middle of the road slasher. Anyhoo, apropos to nothing, here’s Mendes posing:

Probably the only good thing to come out of this film. Pity she didn’t unleash the sweater puppies.

Until next time,

Jarv