Jarv’s Schlock Vault- Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet
Tell us a Mary Hatchet story
Jarv’s Rating: 1.5 Changs out of 4. A bit shit, and quite in bad taste, but not the worst film that I’ve ever seen. There’s a quite staggering amount of gratuitous nudity though, and that always helps to pass the time.
It’s been quite a while since I’ve done one of these, so excuse me if I’m a bit rusty.
I’m venturing back into the vault because as it was Halloween, I watched a quite phenomenal amount of low rent horror. Most of it wasn’t really worth commenting on, and that fucking Children of the Corn series is killing me, but mixed in amongst it was this sleazy fucking slasher/ ghost film hybrid from 2009. Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet is, to quote Droid, somewhat dodgy. However, I’ve never let that stop me in the past, so I’m not going to let it stop me now.
Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet, is apparently based on a real story. Of course it is, there’s been many a documented case of a teenage girl going loopy on her first period and butchering her entire family with an axe. Not to mention the millions of recorded instances of her being incarcerated in a mental hospital, raped by an orderly, carrying the child to term, before it’s taken off her which prompts a murderous rampage culminating in the Long Island police gunning down a naked chick. Honestly, you see these sort of stories in the papers every day. Not to mention that she then comes back as a ghost hell-bent on wreaking vengeance. What a load of bollocks.
Why do people insist on doing this rubbish? Nobody remotely believes that it’s a real story. I don’t, Mrs. Jarv didn’t and it’s completely unnecessary to pretend that it is.
Anyhoo, as you may have gathered from this preamble, BN:TLOMH is the story of Mary Hatchet. Mary is burdened by something called pre-menstrual psychosis which prompts her to butcher her family. Then, when in the asylum (in a scene of quite staggering tastelessness) she’s brutally raped by an orderly. In the most boneheaded attempt at a twist, we’re told that her daughter died at birth, before she goes on murderous rampage part 2 which culminates in (another staggeringly tasteless sequence) 2 cops gunning down a naked chick. Which kind of puts the whole Rodney King beating in perspective. 20 years later, the story continues with a group of teenage horn dogs partying to celebrate “blood night”. Bet you can’t guess what’s coming up?
Alright then, I’ll tell you. The party goes a bit sour and people start getting messily bumped off. Our cretinous and booze addled teenagers recruit a degenerate alky called Graveyard Gus, and return to the asylum to exorcise the ghost. Except, shock horror, it’s not a ghost, it’s Mary’s daughter!!!
Bet you didn’t see that coming. Anyway, the film ends with least-douchey teenager throttling the daughter and then being murdered by the ghost!!! So there was a ghost after all!!! Wow!!! Colour me a bit bored.
First things first, one of the cardinal sins of slasher films that Scream eviscerated is casting actors in their late twenties/ early thirties to play horny teenagers. Blood Night goes right down this route with the casting of 32-year-old Nate Dushku in the lead with 32-year-old Danielle Harris (who’s on a one woman mission to appear in as much shitty horror as she can) as Alissa. Nice one, morons. The acting is absolutely fine for this kind of film. Bill Mosely plays frazzled Gus, and he’s the pick of the bunch, but I’d like to commend the female cast for their dedication to nudity, particularly Samantha Facchi as Mary herself, who spends the entire film naked as the day she was born.
The writing, on the other hand is shit. Really, really awful. The twist that I deliberately blew above is moronic, idiotic shit. There isn’t a single line of good dialogue in the film, loads of it just doesn’t make sense and characters are pushed around to service the plot. Furthermore, the sheer boneheadedness of the trip to the (conveniently deserted) asylum defies description, not to mention that how the hell does psycho daughter know they’re there? If anything, the word I’d use to describe the writing is “convenient”. Everything in it is “convenient”. It’s convenient that Mary’s daughter happens to be a friend of one of the girls. It’s convenient that Gus worked at the asylum in the past. It’s convenient that the characters declare love for each other and so forth. It isn’t convenient, actually, it’s lazy.
The gore effects, on the other hand, are ridiculously elaborate and hilariously effective. This is one messy fucking film, heads get slashed off, limbs get schocked, people get cut in half and there’s claret thrown everywhere. If I had one complaint about this film, it’s the menstrual blood effect. It’s disgusting that there is literally a gusher of dark, red, gloopy mess pouring out of Alissa’s skirt at every opportunity. We get the idea, she’s on her period, but she doesn’t have to put her hands in it and smear it on the fucking mirror. I’m not squeamish, but it is severely unpleasant.
Basically, this is a flagrant rip off of Halloween. But there’s a depressingly familiar retread feel to it. There’s literally nothing innovative here, and the supernatural twist just doesn’t work. I’m not sure why they went for this amalgamation of the psycho and the ghost, but I’m not convinced that it was a good idea. Jonah described it as feeling like Darkness Falls (fucking terrible film, that) and that’s a bit harsh, but I do agree with the sentiment. It does remind me of other shitty schlock efforts, but it’s not quite as awful as Darkness Falls. There’s a lot more nudity, which does help pass the time.
Overall, I don’t really recommend this. With a few beers and a pizza it isn’t totally offensive. If you’re in the mood for a silly teen slasher that leaves no cliché unmined and has more boob than you can shake a stick at then it’s probably a perfect film. If you’re looking for a slightly better standard of schlock, let alone a proper horror film, then pass it over. It’s eminently ignorable and so completely derivative that I can’t think of a single reason to give it my stamp of approval. Once again, if you’re in the mood for a slasher film, there are far superior examples out there, and if you’re in the mood for a ghost story then there are other much better ghost stories. This strange hybrid of horror genres doesn’t really work, and it’s completely forgettable.
Weirdly, though, Mrs. Jarv liked it- but she also liked Hatchet.
Until next time,
Tags: 30 year olds playing fucking teenagers, Alissa Dean, beheadings, Bill Mosely, Blood Night The Legend Of Mary Hatchet, Boob, Danielle Harris, Frank Sabatelli, Gore, horror film, juggs, lunatic asylum, Nate Dushku, Nudity, pointless hybrid of supernatural and slasher, Samantha Facchi, Schlock, Slasher film, Stabbery
About JarvWorkshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.
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