Jarv’s Schlock Vault- Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet

Tell us a Mary Hatchet story

Jarv’s Rating: 1.5 Changs out of 4. A bit shit, and quite in bad taste, but not the worst film that I’ve ever seen. There’s a quite staggering amount of gratuitous nudity though, and that always helps to pass the time.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve done one of these, so excuse me if I’m a bit rusty.

I’m venturing back into the vault because as it was Halloween, I watched a quite phenomenal amount of low rent horror. Most of it wasn’t really worth commenting on, and that fucking Children of the Corn series is killing me, but mixed in amongst it was this sleazy fucking slasher/ ghost film hybrid from 2009. Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet is, to quote Droid, somewhat dodgy. However, I’ve never let that stop me in the past, so I’m not going to let it stop me now.

Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet, is apparently based on a real story. Of course it is, there’s been many a documented case of a teenage girl going loopy on her first period and butchering her entire family with an axe. Not to mention the millions of recorded instances of her being incarcerated in a mental hospital, raped by an orderly, carrying the child to term, before it’s taken off her which prompts a murderous rampage culminating in the Long Island police gunning down a naked chick. Honestly, you see these sort of stories in the papers every day. Not to mention that she then comes back as a ghost hell-bent on wreaking vengeance. What a load of bollocks.

Why do people insist on doing this rubbish? Nobody remotely believes that it’s a real story. I don’t, Mrs. Jarv didn’t and it’s completely unnecessary to pretend that it is.

Anyhoo, as you may have gathered from this preamble, BN:TLOMH is the story of Mary Hatchet. Mary is burdened by something called pre-menstrual psychosis which prompts her to butcher her family. Then, when in the asylum (in a scene of quite staggering tastelessness) she’s brutally raped by an orderly. In the most boneheaded attempt at a twist, we’re told that her daughter died at birth, before she goes on murderous rampage part 2 which culminates in (another staggeringly tasteless sequence) 2 cops gunning down a naked chick. Which kind of puts the whole Rodney King beating in perspective. 20 years later, the story continues with a group of teenage horn dogs partying to celebrate “blood night”. Bet you can’t guess what’s coming up?

Alright then, I’ll tell you. The party goes a bit sour and people start getting messily bumped off. Our cretinous and booze addled teenagers recruit a degenerate alky called Graveyard Gus, and return to the asylum to exorcise the ghost. Except, shock horror, it’s not a ghost, it’s Mary’s daughter!!!

Bet you didn’t see that coming. Anyway, the film ends with least-douchey teenager throttling the daughter and then being murdered by the ghost!!! So there was a ghost after all!!! Wow!!! Colour me a bit bored.

First things first, one of the cardinal sins of slasher films that Scream eviscerated is casting actors in their late twenties/ early thirties to play horny teenagers. Blood Night goes right down this route with the casting of 32-year-old Nate Dushku in the lead with 32-year-old Danielle Harris (who’s on a one woman mission to appear in as much shitty horror as she can) as Alissa. Nice one, morons. The acting is absolutely fine for this kind of film. Bill Mosely plays frazzled Gus, and he’s the pick of the bunch, but I’d like to commend the female cast for their dedication to nudity, particularly Samantha Facchi as Mary herself, who spends the entire film naked as the day she was born.

The writing, on the other hand is shit. Really, really awful. The twist that I deliberately blew above is moronic, idiotic shit. There isn’t a single line of good dialogue in the film, loads of it just doesn’t make sense and characters are pushed around to service the plot. Furthermore, the sheer boneheadedness of the trip to the (conveniently deserted) asylum defies description, not to mention that how the hell does psycho daughter know they’re there? If anything, the word I’d use to describe the writing is “convenient”. Everything in it is “convenient”. It’s convenient that Mary’s daughter happens to be a friend of one of the girls. It’s convenient that Gus worked at the asylum in the past. It’s convenient that the characters declare love for each other and so forth. It isn’t convenient, actually, it’s lazy.

The gore effects, on the other hand, are ridiculously elaborate and hilariously effective. This is one messy fucking film, heads get slashed off, limbs get schocked, people get cut in half and there’s claret thrown everywhere. If I had one complaint about this film, it’s the menstrual blood effect. It’s disgusting that there is literally a gusher of dark, red, gloopy mess pouring out of Alissa’s skirt at every opportunity. We get the idea, she’s on her period, but she doesn’t have to put her hands in it and smear it on the fucking mirror. I’m not squeamish, but it is severely unpleasant.

Basically, this is a flagrant rip off of Halloween. But there’s a depressingly familiar retread feel to it. There’s literally nothing innovative here, and the supernatural twist just doesn’t work. I’m not sure why they went for this amalgamation of the psycho and the ghost, but I’m not convinced that it was a good idea. Jonah described it as feeling like Darkness Falls (fucking terrible film, that) and that’s a bit harsh, but I do agree with the sentiment. It does remind me of other shitty schlock efforts, but it’s not quite as awful as Darkness Falls. There’s a lot more nudity, which does help pass the time.

Overall, I don’t really recommend this. With a few beers and a pizza it isn’t totally offensive. If you’re in the mood for a silly teen slasher that leaves no cliché unmined and has more boob than you can shake a stick at then it’s probably a perfect film. If you’re looking for a slightly better standard of schlock, let alone a proper horror film, then pass it over. It’s eminently ignorable and so completely derivative that I can’t think of a single reason to give it my stamp of approval. Once again, if you’re in the mood for a slasher film, there are far superior examples out there, and if you’re in the mood for a ghost story then there are other much better ghost stories. This strange hybrid of horror genres doesn’t really work, and it’s completely forgettable.

Weirdly, though, Mrs. Jarv liked it- but she also liked Hatchet.

Until next time,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

27 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault- Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet”

  1. MORBIUS says :

    OUTSTANDING!!!

    …um…was referring to the Boobage on the poster,
    guess I’ll read the article now…

  2. Jarv says :

    Possibly.

    I could be talked into it. But they’re just one of many, many pairs of boobs on display in this film.

    • Continentalop says :

      “I will say just getting nominated for a Golden Chang for Best BOOBS! is an honor in itself.” – Samantha Facchi, 2011

      • Jarv says :

        “I’d like to thank god, my plastic surgeon and the genius that cast me in a film where I’ve got to wonder around starkers for the entire time”

        Best naked performance in a film since Mathilda May’s incredible turn in Lifeforce.

  3. Jarv says :

    Nobody apart from me (now Frank is on Haitus) will get that joke in the Boob cover.

  4. ThereWolf says :

    I got the Mary Shitehouse thing…

    Generally, I don’t go for slasher movies. Might give it a rent… obviously to study the artistic merit of the film, absolutely not for the jugs.

    No one can surpass the incendiary Mathilda May…

    Nice one, Jarv.

    • Jarv says :

      Glad someone got it.

      She’s not as good looking, and does spend it naked but riddled with bullet holes. The other female cast members get them out as well.

      You’re right though. Mathilda May FTW!!!

  5. Spud McSpud says :

    I fucking loved DARKNESS FALLS. It’s this insane seriousness that the movie has that I love so much – like the fact that the main character has torch batteries EVERYWHERE – someone has obviously sat down and thought “If I were being chased all my life by a demonic entity that can only be kept at bay by light, what would I need at all times??”. Then EVERYBODY in the movie gets in on the act. The monster is creepy enough, but I love how seriously they all take this patently ridiculous concept!!

    The biggest disappointment for me was the movie THEY. The script was one of the scariest I’ve ever read- absolutely fucking awesome effort by Brendon Hood – but they botched the movie. It’s creepy enough, but not a patch on how awesome the script was.

    I love shitty movies…

  6. Spud McSpud says :

    But then, PULSE ruined things for me by being a perfectly decent, well made chiller about dead people coming back through some superbroadband frequency, and suddenly going from a Quatermass-style techno-horror to a full-on end-of-the-world occult apocalypse movie, without us even noticing! Ian Somerhalder smoulders a lot, Kristen Bell is very good in it, and it has a great ending. I loved PULSE.

    BOOGEYMAN is fucking incomprehensible. Even having Emily Deschanel in it doesn’t save the day. And the fact that Eric Kripke (SUPERNATURAL) co-wrote it – fucking incomprehensible…

    • ThereWolf says :

      Heh.

      I absolutely hated Pulse!

      I’ll give Darkness Falls & They a go though…

    • Jarv says :

      Darkness Falls was utter shite. I appreciate the po-faced stupidity of it, and the showdown in the lighthouse was colossally stupid, but it just bored me witless.

      Boogeyman and Boogeyman 2 were utter shite as well.

      I’m actually considering doing the Prom Night Series next, as I seem to remember 3 and 4 being fucking hilarious and basically having nothing to do with Prom Night. 4, I think is about a demented witch that forces her boyfriend to bury people on the football field.

    • DocPazuzu says :

      Damn, son, you DO love some shitty movies. Pulse was awful, simply awful. So was the original, but for different reasons.

      Darkness Falls was terrible as well, but gets points for the Killer Klowns style seriousness of the protagonists.

      The less said about They and The Boogeyman the better…

      Isn’t funny how pretty much everyone in all of the above-mentioned movies is interchangable? They all have the same “personalities”, the same Gap-wear and the same, carefully rumpled hair. God I loathe American horror right now.

  7. Spud McSpud says :

    Sorry, I appear to have started posting mini-reviews of recent middle-of-the-road horrors I’ve seen.

    Back to Jarv, who is heroically still sane after the double whammy of HIGHLANDERPALOOZA and the CHILDREN OF THE CORNFLAKES SAGA…

  8. MORBIUS says :

    Were there any gay characters in this…

    don’t ‘axe’…don’t tell!!!

  9. Franklin T Marmoset says :

    Funnily enough, I was thinking about the delightful Mary Whitehouse the other week. I’ve been watching Boardwalk Empire recently, which is set during prohibition, and every time I see a scene involving the women’s temperance movement I can’t help thinking, “Holy shit, an entire army of Mary Whitehouses!” and then my testicles shoot up inside my body to hide.

    Also, good review.

    • Jarv says :

      Yikes!

      A whole army of them.

      See, if you weren’t all classy and whatnot now Frank this is exactly the sort of slightly crappy horror you would lap up.

      Boobs? Check
      Drunk horny teenager? Check
      More Boobs? Check
      Ouija board stupidity? Check
      More Boobs? Check
      Silly gore? Check
      Stupid ending? Check.

      • Franklin T Marmoset says :

        You’re probably right, Jarv. And I like Danielle Harris, too. She’s actually a half decent actress, but for some reason she seems intent on carving out a career as a modern day scream queen.

      • Jarv says :

        She’s not great in this Frank. A touch hamstrung by being cast in the wrong role.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah Danielle Harris was awesome in Don’t Tell Mom The Baby Sitter Is Dead!!

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