Tag Archive | Children of the Corn

But you told me you were on the pill! Children of the Corn (2009)

Well, I’ve made it. I have to say that this hasn’t exactly been an a-maize-ing experience. This series has been pretty corny on more than one occasion and I do have to admit that it has corn-holed my cerebral cortex. It has been truly dreadful in places, with the odd kernel of entertainment, and at this moment in time I’m a broken husk of a man that would rather be beaten to death by a thug wielding a sack full of tins of sweetcorn than watch the newest one. Which luckily for me isn’t out until next year.

I think that’s them all covered, but I’ll be around to field any questions at the end. Read More…


Fields of Gold? Please Fuck off Sting: Children of the Corn: Revelation

This has been an epic trawl through some of the most unremarkable films that I’ve ever gone on. Honestly, it makes the succinct Phantasm series look like a masterpiece of brevity. Nevertheless, I’m into the home straight now, I can see the line and the pub just beyond it where there is a lovely pint of Guinness waiting for me as a reward for making it this far.

Having said that, there are still some potential pit falls on the way, not least of which is this film. I skirted up close to it, had a good long look and decided to jump in. And you know what? It’s not that bad. Compared to Part 6, it’s positively brilliant.

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What the fuck? Adults of the Corn? Children of the Corn 666: Isaac’s Return

This fucking series is melting my brain. Seriously. I’ve waded through 5 sequels now and they range from the giddy heights of quite good to the wretched nadir of the angry ape territory. This is the worst of the lot of them, and it was a proper chore to get through. I considered part 4: The Gathering to be as low as this series could sink, but was completely wrong on that score.

I’m just going to rant a bit about this one, so it’s not really going to be a proper review. Read More…

All Daddy Wanted Was a Blow Job. Children of the Corn 5: Fields of Terror

This comes as a massive shock, but this version of Children of the Corn isn’t anywhere near as hopelessly shit as the last 2. It’s not any good, sure enough, and covers material that’s been done far better elsewhere, but it’s at least an inoffensive diversion for a few hours. Read More…

All Mummy wanted was a back rub- Children of the Corn 4: The Gathering

Bah. Rubbish.

I’m getting pig fucking sick of this series now (on my third attempt to get through part 6 which really should be called Adult of the Corn). However, so far, this stands head and shoulders above the rest in terms of sheer crapness. It does, in the plus column, have Naomi Watts in the lead, but there’s no getting around the fact that this is blatantly NOT a Children of the Corn film. It’s a ghost story that some genius attached to the series in a wholly misguided attempt at a cynical cash in. Of all the series to attach yourself to, this has to be the dumbest one. Read More…

But won’t someone PLEASE think of the children- Children of the Corn 3: Urban Harvest

Well, this had to happen. Children of the Corn 1 and 2 were surprisingly acceptable, so is anyone remotely shocked that part 3 is an absolute sack of manure?

I’d like to think that everyone involved in this with one exception (the kid that plays Eli) are actually embarrassed. No, hang on, that’s not strong enough, I meant “ashamed”. The whole series didn’t exactly hit the ground running, more hit the ground drunkenly stumbling along hoping not to crash into a wheelie bin, but this installment that makes the fundamental error of transplanting an intrinsically rural series to an urban environment, finally loses its balance and falls on its arse. This is a bad film.

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The Kids Are Certainly Not Alright- Children of the Corn 2: The Final Sacrifice

Once again, it’s time for me to look behind the rows of corn to see precisely what “He” is playing at. I hope he’s being a good boy and playing nicely with the other children. Or if he isn’t, then I do hope he’s at least responsible for some messy and disgusting kills. I think, however, I know what’s wrong with these films. I’ve been pondering it for a while (well, today) and I’ve come to the conclusion that the premise is just too fucking flimsy and not only that, it’s got far too limited a life span. The films can only be set in one area, and as the kids off themselves when they turn 19, the cult doesn’t have great long-term survival options. No cult does, of course, but this one is even more limited than the rest. Well, that aren’t called “The Moonies”, that is.

Nevertheless, here’s my much-anticipated review of Children of the Corn 2: The Final Sacrifice. Read More…

Reasons not to have kids: The Children of the Corn Series- Children of the Corn

It has to be said that I really don’t make things easy for myself. I ask if anyone has any suggestions for a series, and someone (Droid) pops up with “Children of the Corn”. Now, I’d only seen one of these and seemed to remember it being quite good so thought “that’s not a bad idea, I’ll give it a shot”. However, really, alarm bells should have been ringing as Droid only ever suggests a series in the hope that whichever mug (usually me or Frank) that sits through them will have a miserable time. Not forgetting that there are 8 films in it including the remake. That’s potentially a lot of suck.

Never mind, I’m committed now, so let’s get this fiasco underway with the original 1984 Children of the Corn Read More…