Made in Britain: Elfie Hopkins (2012)

Elfie-Hopkins-poster

Where to begin with this one. For a start, it was renamed in the US, probably in a vague attempt to cash in on the mash-up, as Elfie Hopkins: Cannibal Hunter, which is frankly an outrageous spoiler and completely blows the second half of the film. I can kind of see why it was thought to be a good idea to rename it, because “Elfie Hopkins” by itself isn’t exactly a title to get the giblets tingling, suggesting as it does a kind of dreary tween twilight-meets-Mike-Hammer farrago. What is more likely to cause a brief spike in interest is that this little film has a cast that’s far too good for it, and the strapline “who are the neighbours having for dinner” has a kind of playfulness that implies black comedy. I saw the poster on the tube when it was released and put it down in my “watch at some point, probably when it comes on Lovefilm” list. Well, it’s now on Lovefilm, so I’ve watched it.

Contains a creepy, rapey-looking, refugee from Twilight and Spoilers below. Although none of the spoilers are remotely in the same class as the spoil from renaming the damned film. 

I’m struggling a wee bit here, because this is actually an odd, extremely odd if I’m honest, little film. I’m not sure what it wants to be, and it tries to hit several different genre beats without really nailing any of them down. It isn’t quirky enough to be a comedy, she’s not hard boiled enough for noir, and it simply isn’t either gory or scary enough to be a horror movie. Elfie Hopkins is a bizarre mash-up of genres, taking bits of Sam Spade, Miss Marlowe, traditional Horror, and odd black comedy and situating the whole lot in a village in Wales in a plot with more holes than Droid’s favourite string vest.

Dylan regretted picking up that scud mag he found in the woods.

Dylan regretted picking up that scud mag he found in the woods.

Elfie (Jamie Winstone) is a 22 year old waster with a detective fixation. Supported by her best friend, the terminally dorky Dylan (Played by the magnificently monikered Aneurin Barnard), they pass their time fantasising about being detectives, arguing with her parents (Julian Lewis-Jones and Samantha Drew) and smoking a quite impressive amount of weed. The rest of the villagers of note are freaky MIchael (Steven Mackintosh), Butcher Brynn (Ray Winstone, and note to any director out there, do not cast Ray Winstone and then get him to do a Welsh accent. It’s embarrassing for all concerned), Lottie and Timothy Jenkins (Claire Cage and Richard Harrington) and slutty Pippa, the riding instructor (Kimberly Nixon).

Into this horrific idyllic setting comes the Gammon’s, Travel Agents who flog “adventure holidays” in untamed parts of the globe. The Gammons have a certain charm, and in no time at all have the villagers, including Elfie to her disgust, eating out of the palm of their hands. Chris (Rupert Evans) has a certain sleazy charm and his wife (Kate MacGowan) is poise personified, so it is understandable to a certain extent, even if their kids Ruby and Eliot (Gwyneth Keyworth and Will Payne) are horrifically creepy. Soon enough villagers start disappearing and Elfie actually has a real case to investigate. Where are they going, because they sure as fuck aren’t going on safari in Africa or whatever.

These piggies didn't squeal anywhere near well enough.

These piggies didn’t squeal anywhere near well enough.

The answer is simple, the Gammons are eating them. Can Elfie save the day or will she end up as fricassee of misplaced chav served with a side order of stewed nerdling? What this basically boils down to is a fairly brutal climax with Elfie and Dylan forced to slaughter their way through the Gammons, before being luckily saved by Brynn, the human equivalent of Chekhov’s gun.

Where to begin with this mess? Well, there’s the acting, which is variable. Ray Winstone’s Welsh accent is horrid, and wisely Jamie doesn’t even attempt one. However she’s simply not hard enough for the part- she’s clearly aiming at a British version of Veronica Mars, but the script doesn’t support her as it doesn’t supply the right type of dialogue. Unlike Veronica Mars, which gave the leads, particularly Kristen Bell, a script that helped them, Elfie doesn’t have a single memorable snappy line that I can think of. It’s not helped by Dylan being a bit of a drip, following her around like a lovesick puppy, and so she has nobody capable of bouncing the requisite lines off. There’s certainly nothing in this to give the interchanges between Bogart and Bacall in The Big Sleep a run for their money.

Elfie has a good grip on her weapon.

Elfie has a good grip on her weapon.

Nevertheless, she’s actually quite good, albeit swimming against the tide. As, incidentally, is Barnard, who looks like an even dorkier Harry Potter, but has a certain presence and an easy charm that would be better utilised in a better film. Evans has a sleazy charm but the menace of a coma patient, and the weird cracking thing he does with his jaw is severely off putting. However, the film is stolen in one scene by Lewis-Jones as he faces off against the Gammons and sports a look on his face that would make all but the most die hard cannibal think twice about turning him into a delicious casserole. Incidentally, I know this is a bit “could have”, but he does almost win the fight- it’s a close run thing.

The problem here is the script. The film flirts with a huge number of interesting ideas, mostly related to Elfie’s character, but never goes anywhere with them. It’s also an aggravating mish-mash of a number of different and vastly superior films, not least of which is that it steals one of the key devices from Fright Night- even down to her looking out of the window at the Gammons up to no good, while of course nobody believes her. Nevertheless, the whole script is simply riddled with plot holes and half-baked ideas and it is somewhat surprising that it manages to be, against all odds, somewhat entertaining.

He was gutted that the Twilight director went with Pattinson, but is violence really the answer?

And it is somewhat entertaining. To begin with, while Ryan Andrews must take a huge amount of the blame for the script (seriously, why introduce the death of her mother in dialogue, never to be mentioned again), he has a tight hand on the directorial duties. There’s nothing extraneous in the actual film, and Elfie Hopkins does rattle along at a rare old clip. Furthermore, it looks sumptuous, being heavy on the sepia tones, against which Elfie stands out like the proverbial tarantula on a slice of angel food (I can do this too, it’s easy). Maybe because it looks so good, I’m willing to give it  more of a pass than the script warrants, but there is perhaps something here that makes me think that Andrews, much like Hush director Marc Tonderai, may be destined for bigger and better things. He’s certainly got a good ear for a soundtrack with a cracking tune called How Can I by Charlie XCX (who I had never heard of), that’s somewhat reminiscent of early Massive Attack playing over the end credits.

Overall, meh. Meh meh meh meh meh. Elfie Hopkins reminds me of one of my own school reports, in that the key line that leaps out is “could do better”. By no stretch of the imagination is Elfie Hopkins a bad film, it’s just, well, not a very good one. I’m going right down the middle with this, and giving it a meh, and am a bit disappointed as all the parts are present for something much better, but let down by a godawful mess of a script that was at least one draft away from being finished. Less, particularly in little genre films like this one, is clearly more.

Elfie-Hopkins-rating

Not as good as any of the films it borrows from, but if you see it on TV then it will pass the time, even if it isn’t fantastic.

Until next time,

Jarv Made in Britain

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

130 responses to “Made in Britain: Elfie Hopkins (2012)”

  1. Jarv says :

    Ain’t great this one.

    • Toadkillerdog says :

      Never heard of it, shall avoid.
      Are the Winstone’s related?

      • Jarv says :

        Yes.

        Father and daughter. Jamie has a reasonable career starting up, although she’s yet to be in what I’d class as a good film. Of the three I’ve seen, Daddy’s Girl is reprehensibly awful, Donkey Punch is overrated shite, although she does get naked, and this is an attempt at a proper movie.

        None are good.

  2. Echo the Bunnyman says :

    Wow, this old derelict is still standing? Wandered off the highway to get out the rain, and here I am….

    Missed so much….Droid deported, Bando having a right hell of a few months, and your news..

    Congrats Jarv! Mrs. Echo is expecting as well, we find out the gender tomorrow.

    I was working on a top 50 horror movies of 1980s and stumbled over here to look through your schlock catalog for some inspiration.

    As for this movie, I saw the title on Netflix and just meandered right by it, expecting it was some cruel Asylum crap. There’s like five versions of Hansel and Gretel on there and I can’t get fussed about a single one.

    In the way of recommendations, I say see Curse of Chucky (like Don M actually took the Monkey’s open letter to heart) and Haunter, i.e. Natali’s apology for Splice.

    • Jarv says :

      Jonah!

      How have you been?

      We’re still hanging on, by the skin of our teeth.

      The problem with the US title of this is that it makes it sound like Hansel & Gretal Meh Hunters and so forth and it really isn’t. That isn’t to say I’d bother, though.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I sort of like the notion of a British horror Veronica Mars, but pass.

        Have you watched Sleepy Hollow, the series? I might be alone in this, but I’m really enjoying it. A decent X-Files/Supernatural melding.

        Speaking of Supernatural, it has started out really strong this year, only two episodes in. You can sense they have something to prove again.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s too unfocussed. I kind of “get” what they’re trying for, but it doesn’t work.

        She’s basically delusional, and when Chris says to her “I made you, I gave you your biggest case” it feels totally out of place, because she’s Not a detective- she’s a stoner who’s never got over the death of her mother.

        It just doesn’t work.

      • Jarv says :

        Speaking of Supernatural, it has started out really strong this year, only two episodes in. You can sense they have something to prove again.

        I’m still to see the second half of the last series. The Leviathan Series lost me, if I’m honest.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Have you seen The Last Testament of Rosalind Leigh? I recommend that, it’s like a reasonably spooky version of a classic M.R. James story.

      • Jarv says :

        No.

        I’ve got a whole shitload of films to watch, but have mostly just been playing The Last of Us multiplayer. Tried to sit through Margaret the other day. Not recommended.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Yea, that wasn’t very good.

        Look up Bad Milo. In the ‘Basket Case’ vein, about a poor sod who’s got a soul-destroying job, mounting pressures, and then realizes that his panic attacks manifest themselves as a monster that burrows out of his colon, jumps out of his butt, and murders the sources of his stress.

      • Jarv says :

        Look up Bad Milo. In the ‘Basket Case’ vein, about a poor sod who’s got a soul-destroying job, mounting pressures, and then realizes that his panic attacks manifest themselves as a monster that burrows out of his colon, jumps out of his butt, and murders the sources of his stress.

        Sounds perfect given my current job problems.

        Also sounds a bit like Brain Damage.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I’ve played Last of Us, but not through yet. Good game. Still need to get through that and Bioshock Infinite. I’m so bad about finishing games.

      • Jarv says :

        The Last of Us has the best writing in any video game I’ve ever seen. Ellie is a stunning character. Have you got to Lakeside yet- just after Colorado.

        That’s brilliant, creepy, gripping and with a stunning emotional pay off

        The multiplayer is superb- it’s eminently satisfying caving in total stranger’s heads with a 2×4. Although it is a bit disturbing that it populates your “clan” from Facebook and pops up with that your friends are all dying of malnutrition.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Not done Multiplayer. Lakeside was fantastic, the thing to really sell me on the game. Have you played bioshock infinite? From a bit earlier in the year, but also a terrific game with a lot of densely packed character and world-building work.

      • Jarv says :

        Yeah, I need to get that one. Maybe next month.

        Where are you up to in The Last of Us? It sounds like you’re near the end. Seen the Giraffes yet?

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I’m at the tenth chapter, Bus Depot I think, around the underground tunnels.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s nearly the end. If you make it through the Bus Depot- there’s a trick to it- then it’s only the hospital left.

        The bus depot is one of the most insanely irritating bits of the game.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Yup, got irritated and haven;t touched it. no time really.

      • Jarv says :

        Once you know how to do it, you’ll crack it in seconds. Basically, stick to the far right- make sure you have a load of bombs and molotovs. Use the bow and arrow to kill the clicker next to the path and silently take out the three in the corridor.

        At the other end, pick up a bottle and back up the walkway as far as you can. Throw the bottle to the other end. When the clicker gets to where the sound is throw a nail bomb. It’ll blow him up and attract all the bloaters and other clickers to the spot. When they get there let fly with every molotov and bomb you have. It’ll cook all of them and allow you to get to the end unmolested.

        It’s a bastard to work out and I died about 100 times doing it.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        With Supernatural, I concur. The Leviathan story just meandered around some very weak MOTW episodes and then dispatched Bobby, which felt like a fatal blow. Start of Season 8 just wandered about trying to find its feet–Sam trying to be normal, Dean adjusting, Benny the vampire (who was a good character but wasted at the start).

        From the LARPing episode on, as they introduced the Men of Letters, the show got progressively more focused and better.

        When it came back a few weeks ago, it had the best season opener since season 2, when John made a deal to save Dean.

        There’s been not too much onscreen to back this up, but I’m betting that much like Marsters started shining on Buffy around season 5, this is going to be Mark Sheppard’s year as Crowley.

      • Jarv says :

        Crowley was the best thing about the post-Satan series, though. He’s great.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        They have introduced an interesting wrinkle to him this year, not the same as Spike on BTVS but it could potentially head in the same vein.

        I think they have realized he’s too sardonic and appealing to ever be threatening as the Big Bad and he and the Winchesters constantly sparring in major story arcs gets a bit boring. The character himself is a classic though, so I’m suspecting they are setting him up for a slightly different, more promiment role this season.

      • Jarv says :

        He’s too low ranking as well to take over hell- he’s a crossroads demon IIRC

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        he lucked into it, like a true opportunist. That’s part of the gist of the new season, with Abaddon planning to take Hell back in Crowley’s absence. Without spoiling much, Heaven and Hell are in flux, and I think that the big arc will be the Winchesters adjusting to these changes and seeking to fix things, as opposed to having a major nemesis to face.

      • Jarv says :

        I still think one of the big failures was not using Lillith properly in the post Satan series. Lillith is an ideal Biblical nemesis- trapped in Limbo and unleashed to take revenge on humanity

        The Leviathen were just lame.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I think they thought that too, because Abaddon–one of the Knights of Hell or something–is walking around in a scrumptious redhead’s meatsuit and she’s like a give-and-take between Ruby, Lilith and whatever that Mother of All thing was back in Season 6.

      • Jarv says :

        Mother of All thing was what I meant by Lillith- Caine’s mother.

        But that is a good idea.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        right, in Supernatural they divided those characters. Lilith was actually a part of the Satan storyline. She held the contracts for Bela (I liked her, and wish she’d come back, though others didn’t) and Dean. Sam killing Lilith opened up Hell and let out Lucifer.

        I’ve looked it up–Eve was Mother of All, and that storyline was one of the true wasted ones. Purgatory could have really been an interesting concept that would have opened up the story in all kinds of directions, could have led back into rescuing their brother Adam (inexcusable how that plotline has been ignored given how much they mince about family being important) and possibly finding their disappeared parents (not in Heaven or Hell, according to the high-ups).

        Instead we got a sepia-toned, wooded park with vampires crawling around it, seen only in flashbacks.

      • Jarv says :

        Totally agree with all of that. Made a complete mess of that series. And the Leviathan thing was fucking lame to begin with. There seemed to be an awful lot of loose end wrapping up as well that seemed to carry on forever.

    • Toadkillerdog says :

      Hola Jonah!
      Good to see you again.
      Congrats on the second Echo!

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Thanks Toad! Wasn’t avoiding the place, just have been overwhelmed–in a good way—with everything else going on. Bart Jr 1 is 17 months old, talking up a storm, loves his mom, plastic dinosaurs and trying to toss himself off of high surfaces.

        We find out tomorrow if there will be a girl in the mix, or if another boy is in the works.

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        Well I figured when koutch took his hiatus that it broke your heart and you are only now recovering! Ha!

      • Jarv says :

        What did happen to him? Closed down at work, if I recall correctly.

      • Toadkillerdog says :

        I have no clue. People tend to disappear ’round these here parts. Could be a we are ignoring a horror story right under our noses!

        Maybe someone on here is a serial chang killer! Stalking changians around the globe and knocking them off one by one!

      • Jarv says :

        Heh.

        It’s probably Koutch, and now he’s faked his own demise to throw us off the scent.

      • Jarv says :

        He’s barely active on Twitter.

        AIBN is “fucking” Dead. The internet breathes a sigh of relief.

  3. Echo the Bunnyman says :

    I was still here when K-boom vanished. He vanished when AIBN croaked.

    • Toadkillerdog says :

      And here we were trying to find a screenplay when it was in front of us all the time! Internet stalking murders!
      I am sure that has never been done before!

      Based upon true story of the Changian murders as told by the last surviving member!

  4. Echo the Bunnyman says :

    Speaking of the monkey, I tried watching the Hellraiser series as its on Netflix. Eegads, it’s awful. Im actually going to go as far as to say that none of them are good. 1 has its moments and a really cool idea, but the production is pretty dated and whole swatches of it are just lacking any kind of basic logic.

    The second one is ghastly horrible, and I remmember liking that one.

    I bungled through 3, which was amusing, napped through the space one, and gave up on the ‘Christian morality play disguised as Hellraiser’ one.

    • Jarv says :

      I really like 1 and think 2 also has a lot going for it- the nutter cutting himself on the mattress to bring back Julia is repugnant.

      3 is amusing, 4 is shite, and 5 and 6 are painful. Haven’t made it any further than that. 6 is insulting in that it brings back Kirstie, IIRC.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        have you rewatched them recently? I don’t personally think so, but I can see the case made for 1 being original and effective. I never really noticed before but the Cenobites (outside of sounding like some sort of sticky bun treat) are crap antagonists, they are essentially the Greek Choir with S&M accoutrements. When you try to make them judges (part 5) or primary antagonists (part 3) or, oh geez, surprise good guys (end of part 2, for thirty seconds), it doesn’t really work.

      • Jarv says :

        No, I haven’t.

        But the point with the Cenobites is that they were just a chorus. They’re there to take the soul and that’s it. The end of 2 is shite, sure, and 3 doesn’t work with them as primary antagonists. 4 is even worse.

        Point is they answer to the direction of hell, they don’t instigate by themselves. That’s partially why 3 is such a fucking mess.

      • Jarv says :

        I give you that. I think the execution is so bargain basement that it’s mostly laughable.

        This is the real problem with 2. It feels cheap. Also, they didn’t really know what they had, so missed that the biggest draw was the cenobites and rehashed part 1’s resurrection story- except with Julia in the Frank role.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Im not sure, by the rules of 1, that they are (or view themselves as) emmisaries of Hell. They have no moral values, just functions, and as such I guess their universe is not exactly the Judeo-Christian hell but just a place where the body is stripped from the soul, and you either enjoy it or you don’t, and they don’t much care either way.

        Their universe is suffering, but its interesting that mostly they have a very clinical view of the concept because it’s their day job. That idea is compelling, but my point is

        a) they could only work in 1 as the cleaning crew, showing up at the end to dispatch Frank
        b) they don’t work as well as they could there, because Barker’s direction is a little shoddy. They just become boogey-boo effects jumping out of doorways at the heroine.

      • Jarv says :

        They did become that as it went on (I think the nadir of this is in 4 where Pinhead reverts to cut price Bond-villain dialogue), but initially they don’t judge.

        There’s the great line “it’s not hands that call us but desire” in 2, which shows that they are just literally called in to retrieve escaped souls- but they always know who the right soul is.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I agree with this, I was charting their course through the whole series.

        What i do think is that outside of their appearances at the end of the original, they have very little to make them menacing. They just seem like really dour community theater types.

    • Echo the Bunnyman says :

      also, my childhood memories were of the series being sinister and unpleasant, but there’s not a single horrrific moment in any of the movies really (maybe Frank’s husked meat suit in the original–it’s like Alice in Wonderland for goth morons.

      • Jarv says :

        Oh, I definitely don’t agree with that. Not so much 1, but the slicing in 2 is definitely horrific.

        Gross.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Gross isn;t quite the same as nightmarish. My wife looked at me weakly, and she does not like gruesome violence at all. I think it doesn’t help that few scenes tie together, so that the dreamlike feel happens incidentally instead of purposefully.

        When you can’t ever really understand the stakes for what’s happening, the gore means very little. Dont get me started on Leviathan–what a mess.

      • Jarv says :

        Leviathan is actually really well handled, believe it or not- that’s the one thing they got right.

        Leviathan is the gatekeeper to Hell, and he just overlooks it (albeit he looks like a big diamond thing). It’s based on a painting by Bosch, I think.

        The Channard-bite is a different kettle of fish.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Leviathan’s earliest references are as a sea monster that shows up in Job; Satanism and Demonology, taking cues from St. Thomas of Aquinas who started using it to represent the ‘Hellmouth”, nicked it as one of the Crown Princes of Hell, presumably because they are unimaginative gits.

        So, I get the concept, although I’d say the majority of popular culture still thinks “sea beast” when dealing with Leviathan.

        Bosch had some paintings but Leviathan was there a massive creature with a mouth, spewing forth the damned into the river of Hell or what not.

        The diamond is particularly my problem; it’s the one opportunity to really personify what the dark forces beyond the Cenobites look like, and they completely squander it. No personality or threat there at all.

      • Jarv says :

        Maybe it isn’t Bosh.

        Fuckssakes, who is it?

        The diamond is particularly my problem; it’s the one opportunity to really personify what the dark forces beyond the Cenobites look like, and they completely squander it. No personality or threat there at all.

        See, I totally disagree with this. Leviathan isn’t a threat- he’s the gatekeeper. past Leviathan and into Hell itself (which is really badly handled) is the threat.

        Meh, though, I think this one goes either way

      • Jarv says :

        And fuck what popular culture thinks- it’s a very barker-esque vision.

        Which reminds me, did you ever read Absolute Midnight? Nowhere near as good as Days of Magic, but hanging on a doozy of a cliffhanger.

        It’s all going a bit game of thrones though, in that there are now side characters turning up all over the place.

      • Jarv says :

        They just seem like really dour community theater types.

        Hee hee. I’ve sat through community theatre. It tore my soul apart through boredom.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        A large part of this is my own feelings about the representations of Hell–if you don’t have a good vision for it, or a proper budget, don’t try it.

        Leviathan should be terrifying, even if he is just the gatekeeper–at least awe-inspiring.

        H2 has the Cenobites blown for us as horrific creatures because they are familiar as the movie opens., so the only hope of of creeping us out is giving us a Hell that wants to make us despair.

        Of course, J.T. Petty’s new movie Hellbenders found a different way to envision the gatekeeper–a jumbo-sized flaming Vulva. That was much more, er, imposing than a flying diamond.

      • Jarv says :

        A large part of this is my own feelings about the representations of Hell–if you don’t have a good vision for it, or a proper budget, don’t try i

        I like the representation of it. Sure, it’s abstract and heavily 80’s, but I prefer the giant diamond thing to a huge monster with a sword or something. It’s a leap, but I think a minimalist/ modernist Leviathan is actually More imaginative than a classical one.

        Of course, J.T. Petty’s new movie Hellbenders found a different way to envision the gatekeeper–a jumbo-sized flaming Vulva. That was much more, er, imposing than a flying diamond.

        Ye gods.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Hellbenders is a weird idea not given it’s full due. Imagine a order of priests who live in a constant state of sin, presided over by Clancy Brown, who’s been tasked with making sure they get their daily allotment of debasement. The reason for this is that they fight demons, and need to be in a constant state of “damnation” so that their souls are ripe for possession, and when the demon is inside they can kill themselves and take it to hell with them.

      • Jarv says :

        That sounds pretty awesome all in all.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Unfortunately, it isn’t. It’s all talk–an excuse for holy types to say c***s****. There’s a few neat ideas, but that’s it. I preferred, for something kind of irreverent and similar, John Dies At The End.

      • Jarv says :

        Got that at home to watch. Hoping it will be better than Dylan Dog Dead of Night.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        I liked it, even though it’s not the sum of its parts. Ironically, it has the same problem as Hellbenders (and most movies, I guess). There’s a criminal lack of Clancy Brown. His exorcist character in JDATE could have his own movie, but he’s underutilized.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        see, I thought that too…I sat down the other night with my wife, and said ‘this one is much worse than part 1, be prepared it’s ghastly.

        Oh it was ghastly alright, but all of the ripping moments are delivered in special effects scenes that make it look like it could be a late night PBS program now. The dude slicing his face off in Nightbreed is far more intense than anything in the first few Hellraisers. In context it should all be nightmarish, I give you that. I think the execution is so bargain basement that it’s mostly laughable.

      • kloipy says :

        Hey Jonah, we need to talk soon my friend. Can’t wait to hear about the little one. I’m guessing it is another boy. But my feelings on these things are usually wrong.

        Speaking of rewatching films I just rewatched Pumpkinhead. Still think it is alright, great monster design, but man, chop all the Pumpkinhead related stuff out of it and it could be a lifetime movie

      • Jarv says :

        Heh.

        They get worse. Pumpkinhead 4 is practically unwatchable.

      • kloipy says :

        I’ve only seen the first 2. I still think ‘Blood Wings’ is one of the weirdest choices for a subtitle I’ve ever heard

      • Jarv says :

        Yes, particularly when it has fuck all to do with the film.

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Funny, even as a kid I didn’t like Pumpkinhead. I mean I loved the monster, rooted for him to eat the punks, but the minute it was over I was unimpressed. Back in the late 80’s I was such an easily spooked little tot–no wonder, all the crap I saw. That I just toddled off to bed unfazed says something I think.

      • kloipy says :

        Jonah- I saw that film you talked about the Ray Bradbury animated film, was released on DVD. I can’t remember the title, I think the Halloween Tree?

      • Echo the Bunnyman says :

        Yes, The Halloween Tree! Loved that. I’m planning to watch it on Halloween. I wish I had gotten in touch sooner, I’d be so up for doing a Halloween movie-watching session.

      • kloipy says :

        aw man, that would be awesome. We should plan something like that anyways even if we can’t make it this month.

      • Jarv says :

        Yeah, would be good.

  5. kloipy says :

    I think Hellraiser has a huge problem with it being so damn forumlaic. It follows the same structure and always gets caught up in the whole ‘pain is pleasure’. I think the series could be remade

    • Jarv says :

      The pain is pleasure shite comes from the later films. The first one pain is most definitely NOT pleasure, nor the second. It’s only the third one onwards where Pinhead starts going on and on about the eternal orgasmic whatever of pain.

      He starts to sound like a cut price combination of Auric Goldfinger and Baron Masoch.

      I don’t think they are formulaic outside of the first 2, which is really one story anyway:

      1) Kirsty 1- Frank escapes from Hell with help from Julia. Cenobites come for him. Kirsty wins
      2) Kirsty 2- Julia escapes from Hell with help from Channing. Opens gates of hell. Kirsty wins
      3) Pinhead escapes Hell. Makes mess and has rubbish sidekicks.
      4) History of the Lament Configuration. Load of cobblers in space. Toymaker wins.
      5) Guy thinks he’s not dead. Turns out he is. Load of cobblers.
      6) Guy thinks he’s not dead. Turns out he is and killed by Kirstie.
      7) Load of cultist tripe
      8) Slasher movie
      9) Load of utter shite.

  6. kloipy says :

    What do you guys think is the worst representation of Hell in film? I’d have to say for me ‘Spawn’ takes the cake. Shitty CGI fire and rocks, with a demon whose mouth doesn’t move with it’s words

  7. Judge Droid says :

    You all should be ashamed of yourselves!

    Best Hell…

  8. Just Pillow Talk says :

    Watching Ghost rider is the worst hell.

  9. Just Pillow Talk says :

    And congrats Jonah!

  10. ThereWolf says :

    Good stuff, Jarvis.

    I’d seen the posters for this around a bit back and I had absolutely no idea what it was about – certainly not this! I’ll stick Elfie on the ‘Lovefilm’ list at some point.

    Hardly watching films at the moment. I start watching, then my mind wanders onto work shit and I stop paying attention.

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      isn’t watching a movie supposed to take your mind off of work?

      • ThereWolf says :

        Ordinarily, Xi, yeh it is supposed to. But I’m in dispute with a manager at work and it’s dragging on, day after day. My head won’t stop examining the situation.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        well shit dude just wear a mask and gloves find the guy and take the cricket bat, that it mandatory in every house in England, and wail the fuck out of the dumb ass. Don’t talk just beat him like a rented mule and go. I guarantee you will feel better. Just remember to avoid all the cameras.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s Manchester so that kind of thing could easily happen to him in the normal course of a day anyway.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        well that’s something.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Damn straight no quitting make them fire you go be strong like George Constanza was with Kruger Industrial Smoothing.

      • ThereWolf says :

        This course of action has been seriously considered. He fuckin deserves it. He got in my face one day and he doesn’t know how close he came to being knocked out. If that was in a pub instead of his office I would’ve panned him the fuck out.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        abso-fucking-lutely

      • Jarv says :

        I was thinking that about my manager as well. People get stabbed for less than he’s said.

    • Jarv says :

      Hardly watching films at the moment. I start watching, then my mind wanders onto work shit and I stop paying attention.

      Yeah, I’ve been like that too. Perpetual battle with my leaving from this place is getting me down.

  11. Toadkillerdog says :

    How bout tha Hopkins fellers? 48 years old and still a champeen!

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