Jarv’s Scholck Vault: Galaxina

I checked the catalog and they offer you-know-whats as an option.

Jarv’s Rating: 1.5 Changs out of 4. Diverting, but not exceptional

This may not come as a massive shock to anyone, but I only do the most cursory research before starting these reviews. I often find that knowing too much about a film I’ve just watched interferes with my ability to use the word “cunt” in the review. This is a case in point, as I was all prepared to do a hatchet job on it when my cursory research revealed something that I would really rather not know that directly influences my ability to be rude about this film.

It’s the year 3008. and the suspiciously penis-like Spaceship Infinity is hiding behind an asteroid. This isn’t as dumb as it sounds, because it turns out that the Infinity is a Space Pig ship, and they’re traffic plod using an interstellar radar gun to trap speeders. The ship’s crew consists of Thur, Buzz and (groan) Captain Cornelius Butt. There’s also a prisoner, the “Rock Eater”, an alien black dude, and a mystic old Chinese guy that speaks Confusciusian  riddles, and most importantly female robot Galaxina.

They flag down a speeder who turns on them and in one of the least interesting space battles ever filmed, disables the infinity. Not that this matters. The crew then are ordered by high command to travel 27 years to Altair 1 to retrieve the Blue Star, an unimaginable source of power. Cue shenanigans.

This is, and I’m sorry to say it, not a particularly good film. I was all prepared to do a hatchet job on the acting, but in light of what I now know, I’m not going to. Instead, I’m going to do a hatchet job on the writing and direction. Stephen Macht (the prototype Kevin Sorbo) is mediocre as Thor, the space cop with a boner for a robot and a fetish for his rowing machine, and Avery Schrieber is not too annoying as Butt. Dorothy Stratten, on the other hand, who was tragically murdered not long after this film was released, is clearly an ex-playboy model acting for the first time. As this is her debut film, I’m sure she would have improved with time, but this isn’t the most auspicious debut- although she does fill out a jumpsuit nicely.

The writing, on the other hand is shit. It’s just not anywhere near as funny as it thinks it is, consisting of lame puns, irritating sight gags, unlikely and crappy pop culture references (a religious group worship Harl, E, David. Son). It’s just pun-tastic and for the most part completely unfunny. One joke in particular really got on my last nerve: every time someone says “Blue Star” there’s a big choral “aaah-HAAAAAA!”. This is done about 10 times, and gets less and less amusing every time. The best and most consistent laughs are provided by the Rock Eater- he gets some good lines, and is well designed for a small budgeted parody.

It all starts well enough, with a big orchestral Star Wars score, and a scrolling introduction. This is in itself quite amusing, and the Lucas/ Nerd Trek/ 2001 parodies come thick and fast with varying degrees of success. One, a certain Mr. Spot (groan) who has upside down Vulcan ears, and sports upside down nerd trek insignia is about as funny as spending a day filing, whereas the use of the 2001 theme while Butt slowly travels down a corridor while posing with his fists clenched on his hips is much funnier. It’s patchier than a quilt.

The pacing is all over the place- a prime example being the end- it literally just crashes to a halt. There’s no really satisfactory conclusion, and the film feels cut short.

That isn’t to say that there aren’t successful scenes. The space brothel sequence is great fun, and Galaxina’s trip to the Saloon on Altair 1, which serves “human” , literally, would be an amusing sequence were it not for the presence of Mr. Spot.

Not to mention that Ms. Stratten does fill out her jumpsuit in a very fetching way.

Overall, would I recommend it? Well, as a curio, I suppose so. It’s diverting enough, and not boring, but it does make me wonder if humour (that most subjective of things) has changed in the last 30 years- because a lot of the jokes in this film are just not funny in the 21st Century. I also, to be honest, suspect that they weren’t funny in 1980 either, but maybe the fact that I’ve seen several of the gags used hundreds of times is actually impeding my ability to do anything other than groan at them. As I say, as a curiousity, it is interesting, and it isn’t a boring film, but I can’t really wholeheartedly recommend it.

Oh, and that poster is a complete fucking misrepresentation. Lying bastards.

Until next time,

Jarv