Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Boo

Sometimes I’m my own worst enemy.

I decided to review one hopefully underexposed “top” horror film from every year for my Post Millennial Trauma section. As a result, I’ve waded through an enormous amount of schlocky crap from the more fallow years of the 21st Century hoping against hope to find something that would fit the bill. The vast majority of the films that I inflicted on myself are absolutely terrible and not even worth comment (Bloody Mary), being a hateful combination of inept, uninspired and frankly fucking boring. I toyed with whether or not to even bother writing this review, and in the end have decided to for two reasons: it’s got Dee Wallace Stone in it, and we all like her, and more importantly, the writer/ director actually started out writing for Fangoria. If that hack can produce such an obvious piece of Orang of Doom worthy shit then surely us good Changians must be able to raise the funding for the eagerly awaited masterpiece that is Astrodykes v Werewolves on the Moon.

Boo does not have the most promising opening that I’ve ever seen. Our intrepid heroine (who it turns out will have psychic powers for no reason other than that they had managed to paint themselves into a daft narrative corner requiring psychic powers to get out of)  is on the phone in a scene horribly familiar to anyone that’s seen Scream. Which is kind of the point of the whole film, actually. Anyhow, a guy in a mask turns up, except it turns out it’s her boyfriend (a twat of such earth-shattering magnitude his name is actually Twattus Ginormicus)  who has plans for them all at Halloween staying in an abandoned lunatic asylum. So, our assembled group of douchey teenagers go to the asylum and spend the night getting tormented by an evil paedo ghost before being picked off one by one and our intrepid heroine and two other douchebags (it never properly bothers explaining what they’re doing there, so I shall not be bothering either) escape.

This is a terrible film. It’s risibly bad and completely clueless. First and foremost, the central characters are enormously unlikable. Asshole boyfriend, for example, shags our heroine’s best friend within minutes of being in the building thereby sacrificing all sympathy for the character (which was pretty limited anyway), and his big idea of practical spook-related scares being fun is just an epic failure. Secondly, our heroine has psychic powers and a link to her dead mother (related to us in a jaw-droppingly slow piece of exposition) for the sole reason that someone needed to explain why the building is haunted, what the ghost is playing at and also to give them a means of escape from certain death. This last one is actually ignored anyway, as it’s Dee that comes to the rescue.

Which brings me around to the script- it’s a fucking mess. The story is contradictory and confusing, the characters are poorly drawn and unlikable and the dialogue is inept. The sole good line in the film is when the black characters says to douchebag “shoot me in the head and I’ll kick your arse”, and that’s not even a very good line. As if that’s not annoying enough the entire film has a slimy post-modernist glaze to it that really leaves the viewer cold. It’s just so fucking pleased with itself and there is no Earthly justification for this satisfaction. The relative failure of the writing here leads me to believe that anything we turn out will be vastly superior to this toss, because we won’t be as smug as this.

The acting, actually, isn’t that bad. Trish Coren tries hard as Jesse, but the character is an idiot with magic powers, Dee is fine as saviour nurse, and M. Steven Felty is reasonably scary and pretty disgusting as spectral kiddie-diddler Jacob. However, the whole edifice is bought crashing town by the truly woeful performance put in by Jilon Ghai as Kevin. Kevin is an asshole, and a severely unsympathetic and unentertaining asshole, but this is a grating performance nonetheless. I was actively screaming at the screen praying for him to get his just desserts.

The effects are pretty mediocre. There’s a nice line in exploding bodies, but the ghost effects themselves are pretty piss poor. Furthermore, they look completely fake, and as a result any time the film manages to manufacture any tension whatsoever we’re yanked out of it by a shitty flickering spectre lurking in the background being about as scary as fucking tellytubby. Fail.

Overall, this film is shit. It’s not worth watching and if it hadn’t been on Lovefilm’s “watch now” list then I’d never have bothered with it. Ordinarily when doing Vault reviews, I lean towards the generous and would give this shit, even if it’s completely and utterly worthless, 1 chang purely for Dee Wallace Stone, but I’m ill at the moment so my patience is fragile and as a direct result it can have a double eye-poke fuck you Orangutan of Doom. With a festive twist.

This is a boring, pointless, irritating waste of time that’s far too full of itself and is one of the more completely inane films that I’ve seen recently. I’d rather finish watching “Bloodrayne 2: Vampire Cowboys and Juggs are boring”  than waste another second of your time or my time on this shit.

Until next time,

Jarv.

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

30 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Boo”

  1. Tom_Bando says :

    Wow. That IS bad. Poor Dee Wallace Stone.

    • Jarv says :

      Yup. It’s shit.

      I didn’t spoil it, but there’s an agonising bit in it where our heroine decides to convince the ghost to “be scared of life” that defies description.

      • Tom_Bando says :

        Jarv, as usually happens, took one for the team here.

      • Jarv says :

        Next up in the vault is either The Exterminator or Fear Island. The Exterminator is good, Fear Island is not.

        I don’t do it on purpose, I just seem to have blundered into a lot of crap recently.

        Wait till I start the video game series. There’s some gash coming in that.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        “scared of life”…. Jeeeeesus….

  2. Tom_Bando says :

    She needs to do the Ultimate-Critters vs. Leprechaun! That could be fun.

  3. Frank Marmoset says :

    Asshole characters are the bane of modern horror, I think. I’ve seen so many films that would be at least watchable if it weren’t for the parade of unlikeable idiots they have in them.

    Nice to see the Orangutan Of Doom getting into the spirit of things, though. Orangusanta Of Doom!

    • Jarv says :

      He really is such a wanker in this film. There’s a point about half way through where he arbitrarily decides to shoot one of the girls because he thinks she’s been posessed (though she clearly hasn’t) and it’s so badly handled you just want to stomp on his neck.

      He is a cunt.

    • DocPazuzu says :

      Ain’t dat da troot, Frank. I managed about 1.5 minutes of Shrooms, for example, before turning it off because I hated the characters so much. I think the Amityville remake got about 45 (post-credit) seconds before I put the boot to it.

      • Jarv says :

        I own that.

        *hangs head in shame*

        Did you make it as far as “shroom-cam”. It’s truly one of the worst films of the last decade.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        *puts comforting hand on shoulder* Hey, big guy — I own it too…

        Don’t recall shroom-cam. Just remember a bunch of cunts at an airport that I wanted dead.

      • Jarv says :

        Phew. Not alone in my stupidity then.

        It’s astonishing that Jack Huston went on to be awesome in OUTLANDER after Shrooms.

      • Jarv says :

        Not even when the guy is talking to the cow?

      • DocPazuzu says :

        When I said 1.5 minutes I meant it almost literally. The characters were introduced at the airport and I actually turned it off. Oh, there was also some jerk-o-vision prologue with someone being chased with an axe or something.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s the one.

        So you never got the big “reveal” as to who the killer is, then?

  4. Frank Marmoset says :

    Oh, and BloodRayne 2 is terrible. Such a boring film, with none of the unintentional hilarity of the first one.

    And yet it will not stop me from watching BloodRayne 3, in which Rayne fights evil Nazi vampires.

    Speaking of Nazis, has anyone heard of Iron Sky, which is about Nazis on the moon? I believe there is also some sort of evil Nazi space monkey in it.

  5. just pillow talk says :

    Not sure why people who make the damn things always seem to overlook that crucial element of having likable characters in their movies.

    Isn’t that like the first thing you learn in Film 101?

    • Jarv says :

      It should be. The problem with asshole characters in Horror is that you have to WANT your lead characters to survive. If you don’t then you get the Paris Hilton in House of Wax syndrome where the audience cheers when the character dies- and the film as a result is a fail.

      • just pillow talk says :

        Asshole characters in any genre kill it.

        Bad character work will always kill a good story, effects, whatever…

        However, a really great character will elevate past any shoddiness in other areas to make the movie likeable.

        Now, I will say the only exception to this rule is complete cheeseball films, where the unintentional hilarity overrides asshole characters.

      • Jarv says :

        No, I’ve seen a lot of them, and they can survive one asshole character- provided it isn’t the lead. However, when every single one of them is a tool the film just collapses on itself.

      • DocPazuzu says :

        The opposite can be said to be true of movies like Piranha 3D where everyone IS a cunt and you WANT them to die, thus upping the hilarity of the fishy havoc wreaked upon them. Films like Poo need likeable characters, though.

      • Jarv says :

        Clearly Droid’s photoshop work is preferable to what they actually came up with.

        I almost find the fact that a fangoria writer made Poo personally insulting. He’s one of us, and should therefore be conscious of all the mistakes we’re aware of. That’s the real reason for the Orangsanta of Doom.

  6. Droid says :

    I fixed the poster for you…

    POO!

  7. Continentalop says :

    Jarv have you ever seen the original Black Christmas? If not, put it on your list.

    And then when your done with that watch the remake and see how NOT to remake a film.

  8. ThereWolf says :

    Poo… heh, heh…

    Oh, that sounds truly fucking awful. To be honest, you only had to mention ‘Scream’ and it was job done.

    Nice one, Jarv.

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