The Ashes: The Third test

Well, we’re off again in a few hours. For those that care (i.e. Me and Droid) England currently lead the series 1-0 needing just one more victory to secure the Ashes. 

There’s so much to talk about here. That strumpet Hope has taken up residence and is looking very set in her ways. She’s even making noises about bringing a toothbrush round and muttering about maybe how her friends “Faith” and “Glory” could come over. England look, dare I say it, extremely good- ruthless, efficient and basically better than Australia in every aspect of the game.

Furthermore, Australia are in a right shambles. They’ve recalled Johnson, which is a real hope and a prayer selection, dropped North finally and arseholed around with the bowling line up. Again. Still, they’ve arguably got the only world class player on either side in Ponting, so you never know.


"So Ricky, are you sure these blue pills will make your Johnson work?"



At this stage, it’s patently obvious that the Aussie selectors don’t know who their best 11 are. This is normally an English problem, and I’m feeling a touch confused about this whole state of affairs. On the other hand, England clearly do know, and although it’s a shame Broad has gone, he was hardly setting the world alight.

So, hostilities back on tonight at 2.30AM GMT, and if the Aussies don’t improve drastically (please, please, please, please) this really will all be over by Christmas.



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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

27 responses to “The Ashes: The Third test”

  1. Jarv says :


    Come on England!

    • Jarv says :

      This is really funny- from Fox in Australia and apparently genuine:

      Brendan Julian (fine Ex-Aussie player): “So where do we go from here boys, Junior what do you reckon?”

      Mark Waugh (A truly great player): “Mate if I was a selector there are at least five, maybe six, of those blokes who’d be looking for something to do next week, because they wouldn’t be playing cricket in Perth.”

      Damien Fleming (Another great player): “Such as?”

      Waugh: “Mate, Doherty for a start. I mean jeez, we’ve picked a bloke because we don’t know who our spinner should be. Should we seriously pick a guy who has played 10 state level tests in his life to go up against Pietersen, Cooke and those guys?”

      Julian: “Bit harsh”

      Waugh: “Bit harsh? He was chucking that many pies at Pietersen he may as well have opened a bakery on days 2 and 3.”

      Fleming: “North?”

      Waugh: “Gone”

      Julian: “Bollinger? Siddle?”

      Waugh: “Gone”

      Gladstone Small: ” Can I interrupt for a minute?”

      Waugh: “No”

      Julian: “Junior is on a bit of a roll here Stone”

      Waugh: “No I mean fair go, we’ve got it wrong here. If I’m the only bloke not happy that we’ve been rolled for an innings and 70 odd runs on a runway of a pitch and that lets be honest we’re going to have a summer of the poms handing us our arses in this series then fair go boys, something’s wrong here. What’s Clarke doing after getting out? He’s on twitter saying sorry for not walking? Mate if he did that in our side there’d be hell to play. AB would chuck his twitter box off the balcony or whatever it is. Sorry for not walking? Jesus Christ man.”

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, AB wouldn’t have put up with that twitter shit. He would’ve cracked the skull of anyone that even signed up to twitter.

        AB was awesome.

  2. Droid says :

    Why did I bother waking up at 5am? This looks like another debacle. Again, it’s down to Mr Cricket and Haddin to rescue us. What a joke.

  3. Droid says :

    Well, at least we weren’t all out by the time I got to work. Left right when Haddin got out. But Johnson did bat well and hopefully we can sneak up to 250.

    Of the wickets I saw, which was up to Haddin, only 2 were out to good deliveries. Watson got a good surprise yorker and Hussey got a decent ball from Swann. Otherwise 3! were out slashing away outside off when they should’ve just played sensibly and left it. Admittedly 2 of the catches were superb. Actually Hughes got done not really by a good ball, but he got outplayed. He was expecting a barrage of short stuff and Tremlett (who was the pick of the bowlers) bowled a pretty nice ball through the gate. Should’ve been easily defended though.

    In short, the Aussies were throwing away their wickets against a bowling attack that wasn’t exactly applying the pressure.

    Up to 247… C’mon Fugly and Hilfy.

  4. Jarv says :

    Fucking tail enders.

  5. Droid says :

    Damn. I was enjoying that. Siddle batted really well I thought. 268. Not as bad as I feared when I woke up at 5am and we were 4/60. But we really needed at least 300.

    Lets see what the bowlers can do.

  6. Jarv says :

    All out 268. Ugly bastard

  7. Jarv says :

    that first over was a perfect example of why johnson is shit. 4 good balls, a crap bouncer then a piece of filth

  8. Droid says :

    Still up and watching, such is my dedication. Aussies just failed miserably. Easy catch let go. This is one of the huge differences.Poms superb slips. We are terrible.

    Catches win matches, as we all know.

  9. Droid says :

    Very good catch by Mr Cricket off Johnson. Cook gone. Funny how I’m relieved by these developments. Johnson getting a wicket and Alastair Cook is out. Cook is usually the bunny.

  10. Droid says :

    Johnson! Boycotts Trotts gone. He’s bowling superbly.

  11. Droid says :

    Johnson!!!!!!!!!! Pieterson gone for a golden duck!


  12. Droid says :

    Strauss gone! Very nice delivery from Harris. The balls swinging a lot. Making me concerned for the Aussies 2nd innings.

  13. Droid says :

    Mitchell Johnson thank you very much. Collingwoods gone.

  14. Jarv says :

    He played well. This is now Australia’s to lose.

    Remodelled action was clearly what he needed.

  15. Droid says :

    Goddamn that was good to watch. I think I made it to about 6am before passing out. A lot has happened since. Fucking Ponting and Clarke can fuck off. Jesus christ. And Hughes certainly didn’t take advantage of anything except the opportunity to show that he still isn’t ready to open the batting for Australia.

    But Johnson. Fuck me he bowled well. 6/38 off 17 overs. Wow. What a turnaround. Good on him.

    We really need Watson and Hussey to put together a big partnership.

    • Jarv says :

      Yeah- totally fair play to him. That’s the best he’s bowled in years.

      In a weird way I almost feel better about this. England batting collapse is totally familiar territory. We’ll see what happens in the rest of the innings, if England can get you lot out for around a lead of about 300-320 then it could be a riveting last couple of days.

  16. Droid says :

    I made it to about 8am. Great stuff. Aussies have GOT to finish it off quickly tomorrow and keep this momentum going for the next test.

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