Kloipy Commits Suicide While Watching ‘All About Steve’

Hi guys and gals, it’s your old pal Kloipy here, writing to you from beyond the grave. Yes, I had to take my own life. I wasn’t depressed or anything. But the only cure to the soul-stomping horror that is All About Steve, is found in the sweet release of death. I gotta tell you from the start that I did not watch this entire movie. I saw probably about half of it, but let me tell you that is enough. If you feel I’ve somehow cheated you may skip this review but I ask you this in honesty; could you sit through this movie? The whole movie? I dare you to try. It’s almost impossible and I’ve seen Mansquito. I also must preface this review by telling you that I had no choice in this matter, my wife’s friend wanted to see it and we both tried to dissuade her, but alas were unable to.

I have a bias when it comes to Sandra Bullock. That bias is that I detest her more than almost anything on earth. I don’t know if it’s her bubbly little personality, or the ever present Bullock Bangs, but something about her is to me like taking a cheese grater to my face. But in this movie, dear god, her acting is downright malignant.

Before I get into Ms. Bullshits character, let’s discuss what this movie is about. Well, it’s about nothing. There is nothing here but a vast wasteland that would make Mad Max beg for the Thunderdome. You know that saying about how if you put a monkey with a typewriter it will eventually write Shakespeare? Well this is the crap of that said monkey which was thrown in the face of plot, character development, and just common decency. The movie is a about a woman, a psycho, who falls into infatuation with a camera man, stalks him across the country, only to fall into an abandoned mine, and subsequently find herself, starring DJ Qualls, the skinny kid from Road Trip.

Bullshit’s character is named, Mary Magdalene Horowitz.  Isn’t that funny? She makes crossword puzzles for a living! HOLY FUCKING SHIT, that is genius! Comedy gold! 3 across: A movie that wants me to slit my own throat, spraying my blood on the wall like a Jackson Pollock painting is___ _____ _____. Also she is supposedly one of the smartest people alive, when for some reason they portray her in the movie as if she is Autistic. Actually that is an insult to Autistic people. Her character is like a mix of Rain Man and Taco Bell Diarrhea.  Neither of which are fun to sit beside, even on a short bus trip. Mary talks only in a rapid, ball-shriveling tone. She loses her job at the Crossword Factory because after a 5 minute blind date with this Steve character (played by Bradley Cooper, who was awesome by the way in Midnight Meat Train) she makes a puzzle where the answers are, are you ready for this, ALL ABOUT STEVE! Hahahahhaahahahaha. I almost had an aneurism at this point because this movie is so FUNNY, I was laughing SO hard. Blood was shooting out my nose and all over my delicious soy-joy bar! And if you think that’s too kooky, here comes the shit filled cherry on top. We know that Mary is an eccentric, but move over in your grave Flip Wilson, because Mary’s got a brand new bag. And by brand new bag I mean an outfit only Yahoo Serious would enjoy. She carries around the news team’s umbrella like it was baby Jesus. To top off her frugalista outfit she wears long red boots. Who would ever choose to wear something like that??? I mean that’s just crazyyyyyy! She actually describes why she wears these boots. I’m not joking with this; she actually says the following with a straight face: “It’s like taking 10 friends on a camping trip.” I was going to deconstruct that sentence; however I decided that it speaks enough for itself. Just read that sentence 3 times, remembering all the while that she’s describing the way that her feet feel inside of boots.

So Steve and the news team head off in search of the next big story, and Mary follows in a race against time to annoy me. Mary ends up getting kicked off a bus and left in a truck stop where she proceeds to ask the truckers not to rape her. I think she should be more worried about getting black-dahlia’ed with the way she runs her fucking mouth. Did I mention that Thomas Hayden Church is in this? Well he is, and so is the guy who is in everything currently; Ken Jeong. Both of these guys are funny but manage to squeeze nothing out of this dreadful script. It’s not their fault. Everyone needs money, that’s why they call it money. So Mary meets up with Steve and he basically blows her off which he should because she will probably wear his skin as a dress (‘it’s like doing taxes for my abdomen!’). So I must again mention that at this point I left the room to drink. When I came back, that’s when the magic happened.

So I come back in and now Mary is joined by Master Thespian DJ Qualls and some hooker. Apparently they met at a crossword puzzle convention. Typical. They are in a desert. And then out of nowhere, here comes a tornado. I sht you not, they run away, on foot, from a tornado. They hide in a drainage pipe, but have a startling conversation about Cicadas. This is normal tornado-hiding conversation. Of course after the tornado passes, she crosses paths with Steve again and they give them direction to where they are headed next, for no reason at all.

The climax of this movie, which is like getting a hand job from Captain Hook, comes when a group full of deaf kids fall into an abandoned mine shaft. From here on out, the movie never names these children, it just calls them ‘deaf kids’ as in, “oh my god, those deaf kids might die down there”, “Someone needs to rescue those deaf kids!” and “Thank god, those deaf kids can’t hear this terrible movie!”.  Don’t worry; they get the deaf kids out. Once every deaf kid is accounted for, Mary arrives at the scene. Now the abandoned mine has been roped off, the hole in the ground is huge, and it’s surrounded by hundreds of people. Can you guess what happens to Mary? If you guessed that she falls in the hole and dies, I’m sorry to disappoint you. She doesn’t die. So once Mary is the hole, everyone rallies around to get her out.  I’m pretty sure people even had signs cheering her on. Did they bring these signs knowing she would be dumb enough to fall in this hole? Who cares. But what’s this? There is deadly carbon monoxide in the hole along with a left behind deaf kid. Will they make it out alive? It’s tough to tell in a paint-by-numbers romcom like this. This is the point in the movie, that Mary speaks out to tell us why she’s different, and we, as the audience are supposed to chastise ourselves for thinking weird people are just butterflies (or cicadas) waiting to spread their wings.

So Thomas Hayden Church dives into the hole to rescue her and Mary, using her extensive knowledge of PHYSICS, is able to hoist them out of the hole, and save the hearts and minds of the people, and cause me to relapse into bulimia. Mary leaves the hole and forgets about Steve, and informs us that she may not be normal, but that’s ok as long as she has people as normal as her, and the movie fades to black. At this point I finish my Cantos and make my way back from Hades, on to Purgatory, and hopefully paradise. However, this film was not a Divine Comedy. If I could honestly equate this film to a real life experience, it would be, getting your dick caught in footie pajamas.

Well friends, that’s it for this time. But I leave you with a list of things to do that are much more fun than watching ‘All About Steve’

1. Racing yourself to the bottom of a bottle of Drano.

2. Getting a colonoscopy.

3. Watching a kitten fall down a flight of stairs

4. Blindfolded Traffic Dodging.

5. Huffing paint thinner until you can’t remember your telephone number

6. Slather yourself with pollen and run through an apiary a la Nic Cage in The Wicker Man

7. Watching cement dry…in your mouth