Tag Archive | waste of time

Tears, Tiaras and Tantrums: Jarv regrets seeing Prom Night 4: Deliver Us From Evil

After the relative success of the last two Prom Night films, well, at least in terms of entertainment, it’s clearly time for the series to dive happily into the shitter. The golden rule for the 4th film of a series or onwards is, and forever shall be, if you want it to be good, then you stand a better chance if you SET IT IN SPACE. Prom Night, sadly, decided not to go this route, and instead bought a script off the shelf, tacked on the prom night motif, and turned in an absolute shitburger of a film. It’s not a Prom Night Film, it’s not a Mary Lou film, it’s, in fact, a bit of a steaming turd on the face of crappy horror sequels. And that’s saying something.  Read More…

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Jarv’s Birthday Series: Bring It On (2000)

I winced when I saw the release date of Bring It On was 22nd August 2000. How on earth did I, of all people, manage to land myself a list with not one, not two, but THREE fucking dance based films on it? How am I the person to be reviewing them, it should be Koutch for fuck’s sake. It’s not as if any of them are any good. Furthermore, What the fuck is the point of this film? Seriously? This is a meme that I’ve used before, but it’s not even worth tugging over. It wasn’t in 2000, because the Internet existed, so there’s even less point to it now in 2011. Fuck this cretinous and annoying shit. Honestly, who thought a film about cheerleading competitions where the evil  (white) school has been exploiting the poor, honest (black) school and stealing from them was a good idea? Bring It On (what the fuck is “It” precisely?) is a massive waste of time stuffed full of bad performances, shit dialogue, cheerleading, Dunst, and other cardinal sins. That it’s also a massively patronising waste of time is merely coincidental.  Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series: Christopher Columbus: The Discovery (1992)

What. A. Load. Of. Shit.

Imagine if some fucking imbecile took the Errol Flynn ethos and tried to adapt it to the early 1990’s. Then find  the smuggest cunt you can find to play the lead. Then find a history book, and use it to wipe your arse. Then, as if that’s all not awful enough, cast a fucking load of cretins that should know better (and in this case, they really should). Add in a charmless and aggravating script and shoot it in an overly-worthy History Channel flashback style, and you’ve got Christopher Columbus: the Discovery.

I honestly thought Xanadu would be the worst film on this list (a ballsy claim, considering what’s coming) but, fuck me, this shite manages to be worse in that I’d rather rewatch Xanadu than this. I’ve decided that if I can’t be arsed to do anything with the monkey, giving him a disco-glow or whatnot, then the fucking film is unforgivable. And that’s what we have here.

Oh, by the way, in the interests of full disclosure this used diaper of a film was released on 21st August 1992 Read More…

Kloipy is Ravaged by Deadgirl

Deadgirl is a movie with a message and that message is as follows: If you are ever in the basement of an old abandoned mental hospital, find a weird rotting girl on a table who is breathing and has a bag over her head and tied down, please, do not fuck her. Read More…