Tag Archive | wank

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: The X-Files: Fight the Future (1998)

Damned stupid title, this one. How can you possibly fight the future? It’s the future, and is going to happen whether you like it or not. You can change the future, sure, and I suppose you can fight the legacy of the past, but by definition as the future is not set you can’t fight it. It’s like trying to pin diarrhoea to the ceiling. Nevertheless, back in the 90’s the X-Files was one of the most successful television programmes going, and a spin off was inevitable, this 1998 effort (21st August in the UK) was the result.

Contains nothing but the Truth in there and spoilers below

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The Incredible Shrinking Woman (1981)

Director: Joel Schumacher

Starring: Lily Tomlin, Charles Grodin, Ned Beatty

Release date: January 30 (US). Stitching my booze-soiled notes together for this one. I had to split the movie up over two nights because I don’t think my sides would have survived the resulting laugh riot otherwise. May contain sarcasm and spoilers…

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Tears, Tiaras and Tantrums: Jarv regrets seeing Prom Night 4: Deliver Us From Evil

After the relative success of the last two Prom Night films, well, at least in terms of entertainment, it’s clearly time for the series to dive happily into the shitter. The golden rule for the 4th film of a series or onwards is, and forever shall be, if you want it to be good, then you stand a better chance if you SET IT IN SPACE. Prom Night, sadly, decided not to go this route, and instead bought a script off the shelf, tacked on the prom night motif, and turned in an absolute shitburger of a film. It’s not a Prom Night Film, it’s not a Mary Lou film, it’s, in fact, a bit of a steaming turd on the face of crappy horror sequels. And that’s saying something.  Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series: Cal (1984)

This is a tough assignment for me. Honestly, because let’s face it, a film about the Irish “Troubles” is always going to piss me off to some extent, and the virulent rage that is induced by the romanticised depiction of those IRA cunts utterly precludes me from writing anything resembling a coherent review. So imagine my joy when Cal (release date 24th August in the USA) popped out. Secondly, it’s an incredibly feted film, winning awards, having a ludicrously high rating everywhere (91% fresh ono Rotten Tomatoes), and generally being regarded as a classic. Furthermore, Mrs. Jarv had already seen it, and greeted the announcement that we would be watching it with “You are going to sit through that, you? Honestly?” Well, I fucking did, and while it is nowhere near as slaveringly obnoxious towards the IRA as I thought it was going to be, it is also a fundamentally terrible, patronising, biased and vilely simplistic  story that takes place during the troubles. Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series: Xanadu (1980)

Day 3 in the Birthday Series, and it’s time for the series to take a screaming nosedive into shitsville. I’d never even heard of this when it came up, and I didn’t actually bother checking what it was about, as I naively assumed that a film called Xanadu would be about either big press magnates or barbarian heroes cracking heads. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Having then looked it up, I was horrified to see Olivia Newton-John’s name topping the list. Fearing further investigation, I resolved not to read anything more about the film before attempting to watch it. No point putting myself in a more negative frame of mind, and anyway, how bad can it possibly be? Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Fear Island

She was an innocent!

Jarv’s Rating: I give it an utterly bored 1 Chang, with the proviso that if they hadn’t attempted so hard to be a murder mystery as well and embraced the slasher nuttiness then I may have been tempted to upgrade it to one and a half.

Mrs Jarv is for the most part a fantastic woman that’s more than willing to put up with my various inanities, laziness and other personal defects. However, she does have one glaring character flaw that simply defies any attempt at rational explanation: she loves slasher films. This deep-rooted psychological failing has meant that I’ve had more drecky teen slasher garbage inflicted on me than anyone remotely healthy should have, and some of the absolute dogshit that I’ve sat through since Lovefilm went on the PS3 simply defies logic. I mean she actually likes Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet for non salacious reasons. Not to mention that she liked Hatchet itself. I didn’t. I thought it was wank. Fear Island was one of the more recent slashers that we’ve sat through, and she liked it. Me? I’m not so sure. Read More…