Tag Archive | Video Game Adaptation

Video Game Adaptations: Silent Hill Revelation


I swore that I was never going to do another one of these after the misbegotten Mario Brothers adaptation sapped my will to live. However, when I saw Silent Hill 2 was announced, the sequel to arguably the only remotely successful adaptation, and that Solomon Kane director Michael J. Basset was helming, I resolved to not only watch it, but provide the review as a nice symmetrical bookend to this series- I started with the original so there’s a nice sense of order to finishing with the sequel. So, is this series going out with a bang or a whimper?

Contains strange pink rabbits and severe spoilers below. Read More…


Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (2003)

I’ve struggled and struggled with this review, because the whole Lara Croft on the big screen fiasco gets me down, and I didn’t want to approach it like I would with a normal, and now happily defunct, video game series review. If I’m absolutely honest, the Tomb Raider games were never really my cup of tea, and all the original movie had going for it was the outstanding Leftfield-heavy soundtrack. Nevertheless, the damned thing made a lot of cash, as was inevitable for one of the biggest games franchises of all time, so on 22nd August 2003 the UK was privileged to have the sequel, the laughably titled Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life, inflicted on it. I’m really trying hard to be open minded with this review, but I honestly hate these films for being a ridiculously easy open goal missed, and if it comes across, then I apologise in advance.

May contain Angelina Jolie with fake boobs and spoilers below. Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: Super Mario Brothers

This will be my final Video Game adaptation review for a while as I simply cannot take the plethora of dross that the genre contains any longer. I gleefully admit to intentionally seeking out and watching more rubbish than is healthy, but I do it in the hope of unearthing a nugget of joy, something that will make me laugh, the odd legitimately unfairly overlooked film, or, at the very least, something I can be entertainingly rude about. The problem with Video Game adaptations is that they aren’t, for the most part, entertaining. What they are is boring and annoying and I’ve squandered far too much of my valuable time on them. I was hoping in this open-ended series to be able to say “See, they aren’t all rubbish, there is some gold out there”, but instead I’ve been molested by film after film so wretched that I’ve had to either find excuses not to give them the Orangutan of Doom or, in a few cases, I’ve even made up new ratings to get round this. To sum up, I really cannot take it any more, and I’m signing off for the forseeable with the first ever Video Game Adaptation, the utterly disastrous Super Mario Brothers.

Contains heavy borrowing from Jamie Russel in The Guardian’s excellent article and spoilers below.

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Video Game Adaptations: Mortal Kombat

I hate you Paul W.S. Anderson.

I really, really hate you. In fact, I wish nothing but bad things for you and I curse your ancestors for inflicting your continued and painful ineptitude on a mostly undeserving world. I also resent a system that has allowed someone with so little obvious talent to rise as high as you have, although I do applaud you for doing so. I was taught to never resent the success of geniuses, hate unjustly rewarded mediocrity, and for me, you are the embodiment of that. Or you would be if you ever made it to the dizzy heights of “passable”.

Everyone else, you may be pleased to hear that I have now got over my persecution complex with the cunt and am just treating him the same way I treat Milton Keynes: nothing good will ever, or has ever, come out of there, and it’s just bad luck that occasionally I have the fucking place inflicted on me.

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Video Game Adaptations: Tekken (2010)

It’s been a long time since I’ve looked at this series, and that’s because the constant onslaught of Boll movies had started to get me down. Seriously, there’s only so many times that you can watch the utter incompetence of some of this shit before it starts to cut into your soul, and even a soul as despoiled as mine has its limit. This painful series has been an endurance test of the worst kind with nary a chuckle to be had and so I come back to it with a sense of foreboding. I’ve shifted the worst of the Boll-fests so surely, surely I must be in for a break.

With that, it’s time to take on the 2010 film Tekken. Now personally, I believe that adapting a fighting game to the screen must be the hardest type of game to adapt. On one hand, you’ve got almost absolute freedom with the plot and aren’t tied into anything representing a coherent narrative because it doesn’t matter. The point of the game is the tournament- all the player cares about is beating the stuffing out of the collection of pixels opposite. On the other hand, there’s the problem of constructing a coherent narrative that contains the all important fighting. Some films ignore the tournament altogether (Street Fighter) whereas others try to create a narrative that revolves around the actual bouts themselves (Mortal Kombat). The problem with the latter as a course of action is that the signature fight moves aren’t remotely realistic and utterly beyond the ability of the actors to realistic portray. Mortal Kombat attempted to solve this by setting it in a purely fantastic world, Tekken (which follows this path) was always more grounded (there are no fireballs in the game as far as I can remember) and a wee bit more realistic. Although I have only played the third one.

So, given the above, why in the name of Lucifer would you write a Tekken film, and set it in a dystopian near future?

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Video Game Adaptations: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (Director’s Cut)

God damn it. The monkey is right about this. It clearly, clearly sucks cock. In fact, it sucks cock for so long and with such dedication that it might as well be trying for an award for fellatio. I don’t know where I got the delusion that In the Name of the King was remotely acceptable from (that’s a bit of a lie, actually, I do know and I’ll come to it in a moment), but this is 2 hours and 35 minutes of fun and games of utter mind-numbing tedium. I seem to remember the monkey making some joke about being mugged by boredom and well, he’s completely correct. This is a boring film. In fact, In the Name of the King is so boring it’s like being clobbered over the head by a giant Excel manual. Pah. Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: Max Payne

Why do I keep doing this to myself. I’ve now seen loads of these video game adaptation and even the very best of them are astonishingly mediocre. Most of them, however, flirt with outright incompetence and unsurprisingly Max Payne is no exception. I have to say up front that I’ve never played the games, but if they’re anything at all like this dismal film then, frankly, I won’t be touching them with a bargepole. Read More…

Video Game Adaptations- Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance

A few years ago, when I was young(er), more naive and more forgiving, I genuinely thought that Uwe Boll (the fucking turd) got the rough end of the stick. I admit that I was comparing him to that massive, massive douchebag P.W.S.Anderson and his Resident Evil atrocities, but my reasoning was how much worse can Dr. Boll actually be? Not to mention that I always sneakily admired him for beating the snot out of “critics” such as MiraJeff of AICN fame. I really had absolutely no idea how lamentable his films are, how utterly devoid of fun, talent, and how much he sucks the life out of his subject matter and first rate casts leaving a hollow, soulless life-destroying waste of screen time. However, I’ve now seen 3 of his “efforts” and every one of them has so far scored an Orangutan of Doom. 3 out of 3 for fuck’s sake. Surely you have to try to be that hopeless. Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: Dead Space- Downfall

I didn’t even know this existed when I started this ridiculously misguided foray into video game adaptations, and when informed about it, I can’t honestly say I was that chuffed. For a start, what I know about Anime pretty much begins and ends with Akira and I’m not a huge fan of animation in general. Add that to that I really love the game and that Downfall is a prequel (Lucas has taught me a valuable lesson about this) meant that I approached this with a fair amount of caution and the finger of doom hanging just over the off button. Well, it turns out I was being unfair, and shock horror, Dead Space: Downfall is actually quite acceptable. Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: Alone in the Dark

This had to happen eventually, but after Resident Evil aggravated me intensely I thought “Fuck it, I’ll grab the nettle and take on the lowest of the low” and so, with heavy heart, it’s time to address the monster that is Dr. Uwe Boll.

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