Tag Archive | Vampires

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Tales of an Ancient Empire

Only half…

Christ it’s bloody dusty in here. I guess we should have invested in that maid service after all…

Tales of an Ancient Empire is the sequel to The Sword and the Sorcerer, a frankly ludicrous piece of 1980’s sword and sandal cheese with one of the simultaneously daftest but also most awesome weapons that this weird little subgenre produced. In all honesty, none of these films, bar the first Conan, are what you’d call actually good but a few of them, Beastmaster, Hawk the Slayer, Krull, TSATS etc, did aspire to highly entertaining cheese. And due to ratings laxity (because 1980’s) invariably slipped an awful lot of adult content into the fragile retinas of young kids. Such as me.

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The Last Man On Earth (1964)

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Director: Sidney Salkow

Starring: Vincent Price, Franca Bettoia, Emma Danieli

Before I Am Legend there was The Omega Man and before that there was The Last Man On Earth, or L’Ultimo Uomo Della Terra if you’d prefer. Maybe you could add I Am Omega to the list but I’d rather you didn’t. Anyway, they keep having a go at the Matheson classic but nobody ever gets it quite right, do they. May contain useless smoke bombs and spoilers…

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The war beneath our streets: Underworld (2003)

I’m not sure this series is a good idea at all, to be honest. Still, I have recently rewatched them, and it is an 18 rated horror franchise, so I suppose it does fit my MO. Underworld is, on paper, a really great idea for a schlock series. It should, actually, be solid gold dumbhouse. A battle raging below the streets between two underground armies of Vampires and Werewolves should automatically be both incredibly cool and highly entertaining, and should promise blood by the barrel, tits, horror, graphic violence and a lead actress strapped into something ridiculously skin tight. Sadly, Underworld mostly wastes this premise, and all they manage to get right is spraying a catsuit onto Kate Beckinsale.

May contain a bemused cast of British Thespians and spoilers below

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Made In Britain: Daddy’s Girl (2006)

There’s no moral justification for Daddy’s Girl to exist, and there’s also no reason at all for it to have widespread availability other than for the presence of Jamie Winstone. Furthermore, this was a strange take on modern vampire tales, but in this case it reduces vampirism to a psychological disorder; an all-consuming craving for haemoglobin. This is not a supernatural vampire film, the bloodsucker in question can’t turn into a bat, doesn’t have a garlic allergy and isn’t flambéd in daylight. What it is, is an attempt to draw one of the archetype supernatural monsters into the mundane world of 21st Century London. It’s also a drab and viscerally unpleasant story, a strange sub-horror hybrid that I’m not sure really works.  Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: Bloodrayne 3: The Third Reich

Yes, yes, I know that title says “The Blood Reich Bloodrayne 3” but I’ve just looked it up on IMDB, and it’s actually Bloodrayne 3: The Third Reich. Which is only marginally less dimwitted.

Jesus suffering fuck, why do I keep doing this to myself? I’m almost on the verge of binning this stupid series altogether if I don’t find a good adaptation in the very near future. In the meantime, I’ve got to dredge the contents of my memory to produce a review of a film I can barely fucking remember, one from German turd-meister Uwe Boll that’s so inconceivably boring that despite gratuitous boob and lesbianism, I still can’t recall a damned thing about it. This is going to be a tough one.  Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series: Blade (1998)

Who remembers the time before the all-conquering comic book movie? Seriously, this isn’t as strange a question as it sounds, but back in 1998, the only funny book adaptation for ages had been Batman. Marvel had tied themselves up into some lunacy with crossover story lines and clones and some such, and Batman and Robin had died in a major way a few yeas prior. Against this backdrop, a promising British Special Effects person was handed the directing reins on a minor Marvel adaptation: Blade. It was released on 21st August 1998 in America, and it is no exaggeration to say that Blade remains in the top 5 comic book adaptations to date. For the sake of argument, in my opinion the rest of that list is Superman: the Movie, The Dark Knight and, er…

Well, you get the idea. As a rule, comic book films tend to be mediocre to shit, and the massive amount of them simply means that we are exposed to a lot of dreck about fools in badly fitting tights disguised as cinema. Incidentally, and not related to anything else, why is it so damned hard to make a good Hulk movie? We’ve either got one that thinks it is a Greek Tragedy with a constipated Chinese Hulk with Daddy issues who fights a cloud, or one that thinks it, well, I’m not sure the word “think” is applicable, but this Hulk comes complete with a moron Hulk who fights a dinosaur while suffering from erectile dysfunction. Neither of these are any good.
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Video Game Adaptations: Bloodrayne

Fuck this film. I actually want to beat the shit out of it using a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire and drag the corpse behind a car doing 50 miles an hour along a gravel road.  Then I want to take the ripped up and bloody remains, stomp them for a while, before incinerating them in a furnace. Once finished, I want to take the furnace, place it in a spaceship and fire it into the fucking sun. Words actually fail to describe how fucking shit, boring, inept and aggravating this film is, so I’m going to have to invent some. From this moment onwards Bloodrayne shall be forever be rated as “Crabollshuseless”. Fuck me! Who the fuck keeps giving Dr. Uwe Boll money, and how the fuck does he keep getting good actors to waste in completely the wrong roles in films that defy description?

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Post Millennial Trauma: Let the Right One In (2008)

I’ve been putting off this series for a while, as I desperately wanted to do something that isn’t called Let the Right One In for 2008, because I wanted to save it for the Vampire series. Unfortunately for me, looking through the thoroughly underwhelming list of 2008 horror films (there are some good ones in there, Splinter for example, but nothing that I really wanted to do) there was one film that stood out- Sweden’s imperious Let the Right One In. Let me preface this with that I don’t want to talk about the remake at all- this is really more me reminiscing back to seeing this one in the cinema, and the reaction that it left me with. I do hate to go all Knowlesian in a review, but there’s nothing really more to be said about this film critically, and so I’m going to attempt to enunciate what I believe made it so damned successful. Read More…

The Birthday Series–The Lost Boys (1987)

Droids Birthday Series 1987It’s been a while between drinks, not only for the Birthday Series, but for reviews in general. But I’ve got a couple in the bag now, ready to go, and the first back from my work imposed hiatus is a teen vampire love story. No, nobody gets all sparkly in this one. I give you the ‘The Lost Boys’.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Dracula 3000

Did I ever tell you how many times I’d see you and want to ejaculate all over your bazonkas… All the times I stayed up late, high as a kite, in the non-gravitational atmosphere, while I stroked my anaconda, and dreamed about your snow-white ass

Jarv’s Rating: Half a Chang- complete and utter shit. Crap vampire, crap action, waste of a good schlock cast, crap script, and a fucking terrible ending.

Fuck me. I can’t say I wasn’t warned, because that would be lying, but really this is just inexcusably bad. I wasn’t going to go anywhere near it, on the basis that even resident monkey said that it was terrible, and if he thinks it’s bad then we know it really is truly awful. However, I made the mistake of looking up the cast and blow me down: Casper Van Dien, Erika Eleniak, Coolio, and Tiny fucking Lister! How could this possibly be a sack of refuse? It can’t possibly be worse than Twilight, can it? Read More…