Tag Archive | Uwe Boll

Video Game Adaptations: Bloodrayne 3: The Third Reich

Yes, yes, I know that title says “The Blood Reich Bloodrayne 3” but I’ve just looked it up on IMDB, and it’s actually Bloodrayne 3: The Third Reich. Which is only marginally less dimwitted.

Jesus suffering fuck, why do I keep doing this to myself? I’m almost on the verge of binning this stupid series altogether if I don’t find a good adaptation in the very near future. In the meantime, I’ve got to dredge the contents of my memory to produce a review of a film I can barely fucking remember, one from German turd-meister Uwe Boll that’s so inconceivably boring that despite gratuitous boob and lesbianism, I still can’t recall a damned thing about it. This is going to be a tough one.  Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (Director’s Cut)

God damn it. The monkey is right about this. It clearly, clearly sucks cock. In fact, it sucks cock for so long and with such dedication that it might as well be trying for an award for fellatio. I don’t know where I got the delusion that In the Name of the King was remotely acceptable from (that’s a bit of a lie, actually, I do know and I’ll come to it in a moment), but this is 2 hours and 35 minutes of fun and games of utter mind-numbing tedium. I seem to remember the monkey making some joke about being mugged by boredom and well, he’s completely correct. This is a boring film. In fact, In the Name of the King is so boring it’s like being clobbered over the head by a giant Excel manual. Pah. Read More…

Smut! Jarv sniggers at 10 of the worst sex scenes ever filmed

So, sex on film, eh? I’m sure the pillars of civilisation are due to crumble over this subject. Honestly, mankind has raped, murdered and generally been sex-addled since the dawn of time, but cinema comes along at the arse end of the last millenium and two consenting adults feigning coitus on screen is certain to send us all back to the dark ages. Having said that, not all sex scenes are actually titillating, erotic, or even meaningful. Many of them, actually, are embarrassing, unintentionally funny or just plain inept. These are 10 absolute howlers- scenes that are humiliating for the cast, crew, director and viewer, and all of them deserve recognition for being truly awful.

Because we’re fucking family friendly, and I’ve done this at work, there’s no boob, and I’ve been forced to just use the covers of the films. But in most cases, you’re not missing anything. So with no further ado, let us begin the countdown of 10 of the most painfully inept, shameful and downright incompetent sex-scenes ever filmed: Read More…

Video Game Adaptations- Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance

A few years ago, when I was young(er), more naive and more forgiving, I genuinely thought that Uwe Boll (the fucking turd) got the rough end of the stick. I admit that I was comparing him to that massive, massive douchebag P.W.S.Anderson and his Resident Evil atrocities, but my reasoning was how much worse can Dr. Boll actually be? Not to mention that I always sneakily admired him for beating the snot out of “critics” such as MiraJeff of AICN fame. I really had absolutely no idea how lamentable his films are, how utterly devoid of fun, talent, and how much he sucks the life out of his subject matter and first rate casts leaving a hollow, soulless life-destroying waste of screen time. However, I’ve now seen 3 of his “efforts” and every one of them has so far scored an Orangutan of Doom. 3 out of 3 for fuck’s sake. Surely you have to try to be that hopeless. Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: Bloodrayne

Fuck this film. I actually want to beat the shit out of it using a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire and drag the corpse behind a car doing 50 miles an hour along a gravel road.  Then I want to take the ripped up and bloody remains, stomp them for a while, before incinerating them in a furnace. Once finished, I want to take the furnace, place it in a spaceship and fire it into the fucking sun. Words actually fail to describe how fucking shit, boring, inept and aggravating this film is, so I’m going to have to invent some. From this moment onwards Bloodrayne shall be forever be rated as “Crabollshuseless”. Fuck me! Who the fuck keeps giving Dr. Uwe Boll money, and how the fuck does he keep getting good actors to waste in completely the wrong roles in films that defy description?

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Video Game Adaptations: Alone in the Dark

This had to happen eventually, but after Resident Evil aggravated me intensely I thought “Fuck it, I’ll grab the nettle and take on the lowest of the low” and so, with heavy heart, it’s time to address the monster that is Dr. Uwe Boll.

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