Tag Archive | Udo Keir

Jarv’s Schlock Vault Special: Iron Sky

Nazis? They’re the only people we ever beat in a fair fight

Oh yes. Oh yes my pretties. We have waited. We have kept the faith. We, the devoted few, those that held their heads up high while the masses poured scorn by the bucketload down on to us never once forsook the cause. Oh, how they mocked, how they heaped derision on our hopes and dreams that one day a nutty Finnish director named Timo Vuorensola would somehow bring his vision of Nazis hiding on the dark side of the moon to the screens. And now, my loyal flock, our faith has been rewarded because Iron Sky has landed.

They come in peace.

Contains NAZIS ON THE FUCKING MOON and spoilers below. Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: Bloodrayne

Fuck this film. I actually want to beat the shit out of it using a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire and drag the corpse behind a car doing 50 miles an hour along a gravel road.  Then I want to take the ripped up and bloody remains, stomp them for a while, before incinerating them in a furnace. Once finished, I want to take the furnace, place it in a spaceship and fire it into the fucking sun. Words actually fail to describe how fucking shit, boring, inept and aggravating this film is, so I’m going to have to invent some. From this moment onwards Bloodrayne shall be forever be rated as “Crabollshuseless”. Fuck me! Who the fuck keeps giving Dr. Uwe Boll money, and how the fuck does he keep getting good actors to waste in completely the wrong roles in films that defy description?

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Megiddo- The Omega Code 2

Well, there you go. See what you can accomplish if you don’t have to answer to Congress?

Jarv’s Rating: It’s clearly time to break out the Ramirez of Insanity again. This film is barking mad.

I’m wondering if it’s acceptable to just stick “sploitation” on the end of another unrelated word to make up a new genre for your film. Seriously, I’ve heard of Exploitation, obviously, and Blaxploitation, and even Nunsploitation, but reading up on this film introduced me to a new one: “Godsploitation”. Godsploitation- I mean really, what does that even mean, and how, precisely, unless you are a high-ranking member of the Vatican or Dan Brown, can you possibly exploit God? What’s next “Colourbeigesploitation” to describe completely “blah” films like The Invention of Lying, or perhaps “giantrobotsploitation” for the Transformers films, or even “pornsploitation”. Although in hindsight, that last one works.

Anyhoo, Megiddo is apparently Godsploitation, whatever the fuck that means.

 

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Casper v Shitty Eurotrash vampires in LA: Revenant

Hoo-boy this film is shit.

Actually, on paper, this looks like quite a good idea (in a really stupid kind of way). Take Casper, modern vampires, LA, gangbangers and an Austrian Van Helsing, mix together with a decent amount of gore and season liberally with a shit load of gratuitous nudity, and you should have a recipe for some silly fun. Yet, it isn’t fun (for the most part). Read More…