Tag Archive | Thriller

A Droid Premiere: Triple 9 (2016)

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Surprise! Yes, it’s your old mate Droid here with a review of the new film ‘Triple 9’. Since it’s been a surprisingly long time since I wrote one of these, I expect it to be pretty terrible. So… par for the course, really.

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A Droid Premiere – The Place Beyond The Pines (2013)

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It’s the event film season. In this time of CGI effects, slow motion hero shots, basic storytelling and stuff blowing up real good, it’s often difficult to find a film at your local Hollywoodplex that tries for something more. A film about actual characters, who are involved in meaningful stories with insight and compelling themes. So when The Place Beyond The Pines was released last week, accompanied by favourable (often slobbering) reviews, I went out of my way to see it. I’m afraid I will be discussing the plot in some detail, so developments will be revealed. While these developments aren’t integral to the effectiveness of the film (ie. knowing them won’t ruin the film for you), I didn’t know the important one, and it wasn’t revealed in the trailer. If you read further, you’ll know. There, I’ve sufficiently covered my ass. Read More…

Made in Britain: Hush (2009)

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Hush. What a terrible title. Not only is it utterly unevocative, but furthermore it’s just totally imaginative. If I say “Hush” it instantly conjures up images of parents struggling to keep control of errant and annoying children, or if you’re nerdy enough, a Batman villain. At a stretch it reminds me of a terrible Kula Shaker song from the 90’s. What it does not help me visualise is a taut thriller about a couple on a motorway near Sheffield (God’s Chosen City) being menaced by a nutter.

Contains human trafficking and spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Coma (1978)

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Phew.

This is the penultimate review for the Birthday Series Redux, as I’m waiting for the atrocity released on 23rd August 2012 to make it to Lovefilm. However, when I had originally planned this run, the early Michael Crichton scripted medical thriller Coma was going to be the last review. However, sheer laziness won out, and I’ve got to look at something from 2012 as well. Anyway, this is the Birthday Series, and the rules are simple: Review one film released as near to your birthday as possible. Today, it’s  Michael Crichton directed Coma, a taut, plausible and downright scary medical thriller that was released on 24th August 1978 in, er, Mexico. Look, it’s bloody difficult finding any release dates for a film back then. Be thankful that I got anything.

Contains Hospital sanctioned organ heists and spoilers below.

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Stuff Blows Up – Taken 2 (2012)

stuff-blows-up-real-good-headerThe first Taken film, released in 2008, came as a bit of a surprise. It’s an effective, lean, mean action film elevated by a convincing, driven central performance from Liam Neeson. After a lacklustre 20 minutes (10 of which are entirely unnecessary), the film delivered one of the most gripping, perfectly executed scenes in recent action films. Brian Mills (Neeson) on the phone to his daughter Kim (Maggie Grace) as she is abducted, to be sold into prostitution. What follows is a relentless series of beatings as Mills devastates the Parisian immigrant population in his search for his daughter. It’s pure, grim, visceral thrills, and it’s one of the better action films of the past 5 years. It was also a big hit on a modest budget. Inevitably, we get a sequel. How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice? Well, when you bludgeon to death half the population of Albania, a few of the victims family members may kick up a stink.

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Quantum Droid – Looper (2012) vs Safety Not Guaranteed (2012)

Quantum-DroidOriginally, this review was going to be about ‘Looper’. Then I saw a small indie film that was on my radar since the Sundance film festival earlier in the year called ‘Safety Not Guaranteed’. Both films revolve around the subject of time travel, but their respective approaches are completely different. A comparison might make interesting reading. We’ll see.

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Droid’s Birthday Series: The Star Chamber (1983)

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Hey, wouldn’t you know it, it’s my birthday again! And I’m still doing my birthday series!

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Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: The Big Easy (1987)

I liked New Orléans when I went there years ago. A great atmosphere, easy women, alcohol by the bucketload- what’s not to love? Actually, and this reminds me, and it’s got less than nothing at all to do with the film but may strike a laugh, me and my mate were walking down Bourbon Street 3 sheets to the wind. We stopped to buy another daiquiri off a friendly native selling them from a stall, when I happened to glance up at the balcony of the bar opposite. On this balcony stands two of the best looking women that I’ve ever seen. They’re also clearly hammered, as they’re stripping for the pleasure of the crowd below. However, standing next to them was one of the least attractive and heftiest women that I saw in my entire time in America. She’s clearly 9 Sheets to a hurricane and for some reason best known to herself is also taking her clothes off. I take a swig of my drink, nudge my mate and say “Do you think her mother’s proud?”. Just as I’m going to take another swig of delicious beverage, I feel the clout of a meaty paw to the back of my head. I turn round to see a small and angry middle-aged woman glaring up at me with the vengeance of an angered god in her eyes. Before I can mutter a word, she screams out “I AM ACTUALLY”.

Anyway, that’s got less than nothing to do with the film, at all, so here we go with the review.

May contain stuffed alligators  and spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Color of Night (1994)

Hehehehehehe. To quote the not-forgotten monkey: BOOBS, ASS, MINKY! FTW!

Color of Night (release date 19th August in the USA) is a monumentally dumb film, so dumb in fact that it forgot the definite article at the start of its title. It’s also a hilarious one, but don’t let that distract you from the fact that on almost every level this is a cinematic stinker, a borderline skin-flick with a plot that would get laughed out of even the worst airport fiction. It’s so blazingly and crushingly inept, actually, that it doesn’t belong here and should live in the vault along with the other dregs of cinema. That it doesn’t is that it was directed by Oscar Nominated Richard Rush, and stars (check this out) Bruce Willis, Jane March (who incidentally, and quite understandably, hates it), Lesley Ann Warren, Scott Bakula, Brad Dourif, Ruben Blades, Lance Henriksen, Eriq LaSalle and Kathleen Wilhoite. Holy shit, what a cast, and what a fucking laughably awful film. I think the best word for it is “risible”.

Absolutely under no circumstances does this contain Bruce Willis’ cock, but it may contain spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: The Usual Suspects (1995)

Conversation overheard in the Werewolves on the Moon offices:

“Huzzah! Finished my Usual Suspects review, I’m off to the pub”

“Let’s see it” [pause] “It’s only one sentence long”

“It’s all that was needed, seriously, who hasn’t seen this”

“Do your job properly, or we’re not paying you”

“We get paid for this? Since when?”

Only kidding, we don’t have offices. Nevertheless, I’m damned if I know where I’m going with this one.

Contains someone being shown what will really was and spoilers below

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