Tag Archive | strippers

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Cherry Bomb

You had your cherry popped

This should be gold.

Yes, that’s right, I’m wallowing in the grimy pit of modern grindhouse again, because I clearly haven’t learned my  lesson from recent fiascoes such as Hobo with a Shotgun, Nude Nuns with Big Guns and so forth. Given my utterly atrocious track record picking films from this sad and benighted genre, you’d think I would have stopped. Except I keep seeing exceptional posters for them, such as the one above, and I instantly forget about the maxim “never judge a book by its cover”. In my defence, though, this is billed as a rip-roaring revenge tale about a stripper on the warpath, which does sound right up my alley.

Contains an enormous hitman with an inexplicable afro and spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Don’t Open Till Christmas

  

Jarv’s Rating: 1.5 Changs- a car crash, but reasonably entertaining.

  This film is, and there’s no other description that I can possibly use for it, a shambles. It was Britain’s attempt to cash in on the slasher phase of the early 80’s and is such a ridiculously botched job that it really should be a source of national embarrassment. We really aren’t good at cashing in on things- it’s just not cricket. Don’t Open Till Christmas is a strange and sleazy little film. It tries hard to be something it isn’t (a proper slasher) and you can tell that it really suffered from the revolving door of directors (they went through 3). What I really want to ask everyone involved is: Was this really worth 2 years of your time? Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!

“Get the motherfucking zombies out of this motherfucking strip club”

Jarv’s Rating: 1 Chang-Not completely terrible, but an open goal missed.

This should have been so fucking easy. Seriously, this is not hard- Zombies+ Strippers= hilarity and gold. This film is not gold. More like copper. There are moments of genius comedy, but overall I was left with the feeling that really, cretins, how did you manage to fuck this premise up so badly?

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Evil Bong

Evil Bong

“Soon I will control the world! A great, big, beautiful, stoned world with potsmoke clouds and oceans of bongwater!”

Jarv’s Rating: 3 Changs out of 4

I sense some scepticism from the peanut gallery about this rating, but you’ll have to trust me. This is a legitimately good film. It isn’t a horror film- in fact, Charles Band himself describes it as a “stoner comedy”, and a very funny stoner comedy it is too.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Zombie Strippers

the vault logo

Zombie Strippers

“Let’s see if I got this straight – our best stripper is a reanimated corpse who is feeding off the living flesh of our customers, who in turn reanimate, even if they’re just a fucking head?”

Dear Lovefilm,

I know that you do your utmost to provide a great service, but occasionally I do have to complain. This postal strike, although entirely not your fault is frankly getting on my nerves. Please remove finger from backside and send me more schlocky goodness.

Yours,

Jarv. Read More…