Tag Archive | Stabbery

Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: Friday 13th (2009)

Welcome back to the series that has grown men crying like little girls. This journey has really been the stuff of nightmares, and in the future bloggers will no doubt use it to scare their children: “You behave yourself or I’ll make you review Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Series. It has tigers in hats in it”.

Scary.

Still, there’s been a suspicious amount of grade inflation going on recently, but surely this crappy remake of a fairly crappy original can’t get off Scot free. I mean, it’s Platinum Dunes, for fuck’s sake! This is a nailed on 0 film, and if there’s any shenanigans and suspicious 1.27 ratings, then well, really, I will step in.

Let’s see if such drastic measures will be necessary Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series: Conan the Barbarian (2011) and the post mortem on the whole damned mess.

 That’s it, I’ve done it! I have reached the end of this epic quest through the films released as close to my date of birth as possible. For 2011, I’m doing Marcus Nispel’s remake of Conan the Barbarian and to be honest, I was seriously worried about this one given the directors absolutely awful track record. This raises the question, though, what do we really want from a Sword and Sorcery Barbarian hero film? Personally, I think that all we hope for is lots and lots of stabbery and when there’s no stabbery to be seen, then we want every corner of the screen packed with Boob. Is that too much to ask? Well, historically, it has been- look at the abortions that are Conan the Destroyer and Red Sonja, for example.

 Before I kick off the review properly, I’m going to state the following things at the top just so I don’t need to go into it again. Firstly, I love the Conan films, and this genre in general. I can pretty much always find something to laugh about when they’re on song. Secondly, and this is just to pre-empt the usual complaint about Conan films: this is not Robert E. Howard’s Conan. Jason Momoa, who plays the eponymous stabbery merchant, is simply too, well, big. Thirdly, it will be compared to Arnold’s original. Finally, I’m not doing the review- I’m handing over to someone more appropriate. Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series: Blade (1998)

Who remembers the time before the all-conquering comic book movie? Seriously, this isn’t as strange a question as it sounds, but back in 1998, the only funny book adaptation for ages had been Batman. Marvel had tied themselves up into some lunacy with crossover story lines and clones and some such, and Batman and Robin had died in a major way a few yeas prior. Against this backdrop, a promising British Special Effects person was handed the directing reins on a minor Marvel adaptation: Blade. It was released on 21st August 1998 in America, and it is no exaggeration to say that Blade remains in the top 5 comic book adaptations to date. For the sake of argument, in my opinion the rest of that list is Superman: the Movie, The Dark Knight and, er…

Well, you get the idea. As a rule, comic book films tend to be mediocre to shit, and the massive amount of them simply means that we are exposed to a lot of dreck about fools in badly fitting tights disguised as cinema. Incidentally, and not related to anything else, why is it so damned hard to make a good Hulk movie? We’ve either got one that thinks it is a Greek Tragedy with a constipated Chinese Hulk with Daddy issues who fights a cloud, or one that thinks it, well, I’m not sure the word “think” is applicable, but this Hulk comes complete with a moron Hulk who fights a dinosaur while suffering from erectile dysfunction. Neither of these are any good.
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A Droid Premiere – Ironclad (2011)

A Droid PremiereI haven’t had the written a Premiere review for a while, so here’s a quick reminder of the category. Essentially it’s dedicated to the small number of films that I bother to see before anyone else. It’s intended to spread the word, be it positive or negative, about a film that might be of interest to your good self. This is such an occasion.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault- Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet

Tell us a Mary Hatchet story

Jarv’s Rating: 1.5 Changs out of 4. A bit shit, and quite in bad taste, but not the worst film that I’ve ever seen. There’s a quite staggering amount of gratuitous nudity though, and that always helps to pass the time.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve done one of these, so excuse me if I’m a bit rusty.

I’m venturing back into the vault because as it was Halloween, I watched a quite phenomenal amount of low rent horror. Most of it wasn’t really worth commenting on, and that fucking Children of the Corn series is killing me, but mixed in amongst it was this sleazy fucking slasher/ ghost film hybrid from 2009. Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet is, to quote Droid, somewhat dodgy. However, I’ve never let that stop me in the past, so I’m not going to let it stop me now. Read More…

*H*I*G*H*L*A*N*D*E*R*P*A*L*O*O*Z*A* The slippery slope starts now- Highlander 2: The Quickening

Welcome back to HIGHLANDERPALOOZA.

This time out, there’s more of us involved and we’re taking on the sequel to the original hugely entertaining Highlander with Highlander 2: The Quickening. Read More…

*H*I*G*H*L*A*N*D*E*R*P*A*L*O*O*Z*A* Highlander- There can be only one!

Welcome to Highlanderpalooza.

I don’t know what happened, maybe everyone was jealous of my well-earned Golden Chang for the ridiculous Challenge of the Year, so we’ve all decided to enter the brain cell devastating race to the bottom that is all 5 Highlander films.

Yes, you read that right. All 5 of them. Your audacious Changians are plumbing hitherto undreamt of depths of human misery and we’re documenting it here.

Continuing for every day this week, there will be one fresh Highlander review (with the exception of part 2), supplied by me. So with no further ado, let’s launch HIGHLANDERPALOOZA 2010 with the first film… Read More…

From Russia with Stabbery: Eastern Promises

Well, it’s been a marathon slog, but I’m finally up to date with the Cronenberg series. I’ve seen grubby sex, drugs crazed mugwamps, piss poor drag racing and all manner of psychotics, but finally I’ve arrived at Eastern Promises, the most recent Cronenberg film. Read More…

The Whisper in the Classroom: Candyman

  

Not so long ago, I considered doing a review series of every Clive Barker adaptation/ film. I abandoned this for a variety of reasons- mostly they suck balls (seriously- go and watch Night Breed. It’s fucking dire- although it does star Cronenberg), Droid did one of the better ones, and unusually for him managed to do a good job (here), which would therefore make my review completely redundant, and finally that I’m struggling to finish the series that I’ve got ongoing at the moment. 

However, I did, as a direct result of this watch some of the better films, and seeing as I’m all about doing series at the moment, I thought that I’d launch the Candyman Trilogy. Read More…