Tag Archive | Slasher

Reboot attempt number 3 with added postmodernism- Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later

H20-poster

Back in the early 90’s it was wisely observed that slasher movies were dead, and in no small part the Halloween series was noticed standing over the corpse saying “It’s a fair cop, officer”. The relentless parade of sub par sequels, and mindless killing machines, delivered  without an iota of charm or wit had quite simply killed not only slashers, but horror in general. We were all set to bury the corpse, and move on to maybe sci-fi horror (the likes of Event Horizon weren’t far away), but a funny thing happened on the way to the funeral. Wes Craven, one of the godfathers of the genre came back with Scream. Now, Scream was seminal at the time, not only was it a good film in its own right, but it gave the entire genre a shot in the arm. Admittedly, it did also usher in the age of postmodernism, but that’s not its fault. With the brave new dawn of “clever” slasher movies upon us, the decision was made to have another look at the Halloween films, and maybe update them to the 1990’s. The result was Halloween H20.

Contains the very welcome return of Jamie Lee Curtis and spoilers below

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Halloween 4: or how I learned to stop worrying and hate the series

Halloween 4 poster

Halloween 3 made some money. This is fact. However, despite this, it was generally perceived as a failure for not making enough filthy moolah. The tragedy of this is that the idea of simply using the date as a launch point for a horror series of stand alone movies is a cracking one, and Halloween 4 was originally conceived as a ghost film. A large part of me wishes that they’d gone through with this idea, because if they had had the balls to do it, then there’s a high chance that the ghost installment of the franchise would have been far more interesting than this dull, unimaginative and frankly annoying piece of shit. But no, creativity lost the battle with the balance sheet, and instead we got the return of Michael fucking Myers that absolutely nobody was clamouring for.

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3 Years later, but still the same day: Halloween 2

Halloween 2

After the stunning success of Halloween, John Carpenter then carried on with his creative hot streak. However, in the interim a plethora of Halloween clones appeared on the big screen and made a vast amount of cash. Thus, it was inevitable that they would return to the seminal original to try to milk the cash cow’s teats. Therefore, it was absolutely no surprise to anyone that Halloween 2 would limp out of the blocks to wow absolutely nobody. What was more of a surprise, however, is that they would continue the story on the same night- no unexplained break here, we’re simply watching part 2 of Halloween. Read More…

Ghouls, Ghosts and Random Acts of Stabbery: Halloween

Halloween poster

It’s been a long time since I started out a new series, and given the season, I thought I’d have a stab (no pun intended) at every Halloween movie. I’m not actually sure this is good idea, as I’m pretty certain that 4,5 and 7 are abominable, and I haven’t seen the remakes. Not to mention that I really have nothing new at all to say about John Carpenter’s seminal original. Still, never the less, here we go… Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Girls Gone Dead

Just when you thought it was safe to go topless

Anyone out there who doesn’t know what a “Girls Gone Wild” video is? Seriously? Well in a nutshell, it’s a gift of a premise to base a slasher movie on. Basically, these videos consist of the recordings of enterprising filth merchants who trawl around the big Spring Break destination persuading attractive, and completely inebriated, college girls to take their tops off for the camera. Hell, half the time they don’t even have to be that attractive. Anyhow, what we have here is an attempt by a slightly less enterprising filth merchant called Michael Hoffman Jr to apply this idea to a slasher template.

Should be solid gold titties, eh?

Contains drunk chicks and inadvertent hard to spot spoiler below

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: No Man’s Land: The Rise of Reeker

I once stole money from a quadriplegic because I needed shoes

This is a turn up for the books, and I’m not joking here. Ordinarily, a DTV slasher sequel has basically one of two ways to go: it can either produce a lame facsimile of the first film, or it can completely ignore it and throw something truly bugnuts out into the world. The latter is probably the better way to go, and when successful can throw up some absolutely hilarious efforts such as the two Prom Night Mary Lou efforts. David Payne, however, when returning to Reeker in 2008 thought he’d try his hand at something slightly different, and, I have to say, that I’m truly impressed at the final result, because Reeker 2 (I’m not typing the whole title out every time) is far far better than it has any right to be.

Absolutely contains stinking fucking spoilers to both this and the first film below.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Reeker

I’m afraid of psycho desert crackheads who hunt small animals with Dahmer’s garden tools.

Occasionally on my wanders through the dregs of cinema, I come  across an idea so monstrously ill-conceived and completely insane that it literally makes me pause the film, go and get a beer, and attempt to drink said beer while debating the merits of said idea. In the  case of Reeker, this idea is so, so preposterously bad that I’m almost at a loss for words, because I cannot in the life of me (outside of Shrooms) think of another film that intentionally uses a device as massively, inordinately, unbelievably stupid as this one. Someone really needs to sit director David Payne down and just ask him a very simple question:

“What the fuck were you playing at, and why in the name of everything sacred and holy did you think this was a good idea?” Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Sorority Row

Cassidy: I know, how inconvenient. Why couldn’t Ellie have had a nervous breakdown tomorrow? 

Jessica:You know Cassidy, your sarcasm makes you sound like a bitch. And nobody likes a bitch. 

Usual qualifying claim: While I think this is crap, the missus did really enjoy it, and it clearly isn’t as bad as some of the other remakes out there.

This remake trend really has to stop, and the sooner the better, frankly. I cannot think of one reason for Sorority Row to exist, given that it’s a remake of some crap 1970’s slasher movie that I’ve never even heard of, and the concept isn’t exactly high. This is, you guessed it, another of the identikit slashers out there, such as the absolutely awful Prom Night remake, or the even more reprehensibly awful When a Stranger Calls remake, that do not serve any purpose whatsoever. In the case of Sorority Row, though, it isn’t anywhere near as bad as those two previous examples, and the makers of it did at least understand what we want from Slashers for the most part: inventive deaths, boob, and the odd chuckle. Pity they nobbed it with an indescribably stupid ending with a twist that is astonishingly contrived and almost insulting to the intelligence.

To paraphrase the erudite Wolf: may contain pillow fights and spoilers below Read More…

Jarv spikes the punch at Prom Night (1980)

We don’t have Prom in this country. It’s an utterly alien concept to us, along with other weird American celebrations such as Sweet 16, Thanksgiving and the Tea Party. Anyhoo, we do have discos and suchlike at school, or because I went to a posh school they’re upgraded to the status of “Ball”, except we’re actually allowed to drink at them and whatnot. In my case, due to a somewhat lamentable disciplinary record, I only attended one such ball in my final year, my Leaver’s Ball. I have a very hazy recollection of the festivities due to consumption of a vast amount of alcohol. Occasionally, though, I still experience the odd horrible flashback of an equally drunk ginger chick.

*shivers*

In my defense, due to a mild and ongoing case of body fascism, she was at least thin. And I was drunk, not to mention extremely grateful.

Look, we’ve all been there, so DON’T YOU FUCKERS JUDGE ME!!!

What this has to do with the 1980 Jamie Lee Curtis vehicle Prom Night is, well, nothing. Still, this is a review series of all 5 Prom Night films, and that’s the one I’m starting with…

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Don’t Open Till Christmas

  

Jarv’s Rating: 1.5 Changs- a car crash, but reasonably entertaining.

  This film is, and there’s no other description that I can possibly use for it, a shambles. It was Britain’s attempt to cash in on the slasher phase of the early 80’s and is such a ridiculously botched job that it really should be a source of national embarrassment. We really aren’t good at cashing in on things- it’s just not cricket. Don’t Open Till Christmas is a strange and sleazy little film. It tries hard to be something it isn’t (a proper slasher) and you can tell that it really suffered from the revolving door of directors (they went through 3). What I really want to ask everyone involved is: Was this really worth 2 years of your time? Read More…