The Kerse v Drugs: Death Wish 4: The Crackdown

This is where the entertainment in the series stops. This is the first Death Wish film helmed by someone other than Winner, and when the fat hack left the series he seems to have taken 90% of the entertainment with him. Aside from one gleefully bugnuts moment (I have a gif of it coming up) Death Wish 4 is a monumental let down, being boring, pointless and wildly out of place with the rest of the Kerse’s adventures.

Contains an ON SCREEN death by RPG and spoilers below. 

The War Begins: Underworld Rise of the Lycans

Every rose has a thorn, just like every night has a dawn, and every cowboy sings a sad, sad love song, and every war has a beginning.

Sadly, they do. For example, in the words of Baldrick, the First World War was started when someone called Ferdinand shot an ostrich. I’m not sure his history is that accurate, and I’m even less sure that Underworld warranted a prequel. In fact, I feel fairly certain that it doesn’t. I’m also starting to come to the conclusion with these films that they’re the cinematic equivalent of money for old rope in that it doesn’t seem to matter how badly whoever is helming them cocks it up they’ll still pull in about $100m give or take regardless of the quality of the film. I find this sad.

Contains a very misguided version of Romeo and Juliet and spoilers below.

The war develops: Underworld Evolution

It’s round two of Underworld. Kate’s back in the jumpsuit and raring to put a cap in some undead bad guys.

Apparently this film bombed in Middle America. Allegedly, someone in the Marketing Department (let’s call him Philibrick) at the studio realised in a stroke of genius what was wrong, and we’re lucky enough to have received the transcript of his conversation with his boss taken from the security footage:

Contains very broad brush and crude satire (with a sprinkling of bad taste) of Hollywood marketing idiocy and spoilers below.

The war beneath our streets: Underworld (2003)

I’m not sure this series is a good idea at all, to be honest. Still, I have recently rewatched them, and it is an 18 rated horror franchise, so I suppose it does fit my MO. Underworld is, on paper, a really great idea for a schlock series. It should, actually, be solid gold dumbhouse. A battle raging below the streets between two underground armies of Vampires and Werewolves should automatically be both incredibly cool and highly entertaining, and should promise blood by the barrel, tits, horror, graphic violence and a lead actress strapped into something ridiculously skin tight. Sadly, Underworld mostly wastes this premise, and all they manage to get right is spraying a catsuit onto Kate Beckinsale.

May contain a bemused cast of British Thespians and spoilers below

Jarv’s Birthday Series: Cal (1984)

This is a tough assignment for me. Honestly, because let’s face it, a film about the Irish “Troubles” is always going to piss me off to some extent, and the virulent rage that is induced by the romanticised depiction of those IRA cunts utterly precludes me from writing anything resembling a coherent review. So imagine my joy when Cal (release date 24th August in the USA) popped out. Secondly, it’s an incredibly feted film, winning awards, having a ludicrously high rating everywhere (91% fresh ono Rotten Tomatoes), and generally being regarded as a classic. Furthermore, Mrs. Jarv had already seen it, and greeted the announcement that we would be watching it with “You are going to sit through that, you? Honestly?” Well, I fucking did, and while it is nowhere near as slaveringly obnoxious towards the IRA as I thought it was going to be, it is also a fundamentally terrible, patronising, biased and vilely simplistic  story that takes place during the troubles.