Tag Archive | Shit

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 12. The Fantastic 4

He’s hitting the dregs in this series now. Having waded through some serious poop in the form of Ghost Rider (you are aware JPT that the new one is out soon, and it’s your birthday! Not to mention that it’s directed by the two Crank monkeys, you lucky dog), Elektra et al, but it is now time for the Fantastic 4 to gangbang his fragile little mind into submission. Personally, I think he passed that point roughly at That Darn Cat in his ill-fated Birthday Series, but it looks like I could be wrong. So, with no more dull preamble from me, here’s Just Pillow Talk with the first of his less-than-Fantastic 4 reviews.  Read More…

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics. Number 9, part 2: Iron Man 2

Welcome back to Just Pillow Talk’s tour of insipid cinema. Marvel adaptations are, judging by this series, a pretty uninspiring bunch with very few of them becoming elevated above their source material. In fact, it does seem that he’s seen an awful lot that I’d term as being utter shit.  He split up the two Iron Man reviews, probably for reasons of sanity, as the second Iron Man film is dogshit by any reasonable standard. Nevertheless, he’s back with his update from the bowels of funny book hell:  Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Bare Behind Bars

I just adore raspberry pudding

Is there a more sorry genre out there than the Women in Prison films? Exploitation cinema as a rule is dirty, seedy, nasty stuff, but these exist solely to show various acts of sadism inflicted on unlikely female convicts who exist to wander round in the buff and commit various sapphic acts for the pleasure of the hooting gibbons that comprise the audience. Even in a genre as sorry as this one, and let’s face it aside from Reform School Girls, which is a spoof anyhow, they’re all tacky garbage, this 1980 slice of grindhouse schlock may possibly be the most obnoxious one out there. So, I was clearly compelled to watch it, and, this is something I never thought I’d say, Bare Behind Bars (A Prisão) eventually managed to make even lesbianism boring. How could such a thing happen?

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Made In Britain: Donkey Punch (2008)

Donkey Punch is a film that I’ve put off seeing for a long time. For a start, and this is almost always fatal for a film, it’s got an endorsement from one H. Knowles, resident of fatland. Secondly, I read about it, and the central premise of the movie was so blindly misogynistic that it put me off a touch, and thirdly it was a very low budget British Horror movie made by a first time director, starring nobody that I’d ever heard of at the time. However, against that, Donkey Punch kicked off an absolute shitstorm in the right wing media (step forward Daily Fail) and that always makes me want to watch a film. Read More…

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics. Number 6 (part 1): THE X-MEN

Sadly for Just Pillow Talk, this is Brian Singer’s version of the X-men. So instead of a plethora of scantily/ latex clad babes he’s got to endure a boring extended gay metaphor with nary a boob in sight, limited action, and lots and lots of crying.

I always thought this series would be too much for him, and it appears that he agrees. Probably the thought of doing 5 of them in a row. As a result, he’s sensibly decided to split it up, and here is his first attempt: X-men.

Me, I think this is shit. I thought it was shit at the time, and nothing I’ve seen has changed my opinion. Still, over to you Just Pillow Talk:

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Tears, Tiaras and Tantrums: Jarv regrets seeing Prom Night 4: Deliver Us From Evil

After the relative success of the last two Prom Night films, well, at least in terms of entertainment, it’s clearly time for the series to dive happily into the shitter. The golden rule for the 4th film of a series or onwards is, and forever shall be, if you want it to be good, then you stand a better chance if you SET IT IN SPACE. Prom Night, sadly, decided not to go this route, and instead bought a script off the shelf, tacked on the prom night motif, and turned in an absolute shitburger of a film. It’s not a Prom Night Film, it’s not a Mary Lou film, it’s, in fact, a bit of a steaming turd on the face of crappy horror sequels. And that’s saying something.  Read More…

Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: 50 First Dates (2004)

Oh deary, deary me.

He’s clearly in trouble with the wife, as he’s been forced to bump up a “chick friendly” rom com up the order to get him out of the doghouse. Sadly, the film in question is a romantic comedy that manages to be singularly unfunny.

Why would that be? Well, the presence of Rob Schneider almost automatically guarantees an absence of laughter. Personally, I think this film is garbage, but let’s see what Pillows thinks:

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Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: Down to Earth (2001)

Well, today’s installment of the list banned under the Geneva Convention is another comedy. Mercifully, I haven’t seen it, but I thoroughly believe our battered correspondent when he says it’s terrible. It’s starring Chris Rock, who has a lousy hit rate, and the premise is terribly unfunny.

Does any genre fall as flat on its arse as comedy when it doesn’t work? Let’s find out: Read More…

Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: Heavyweights (1995)

There’s one truism that everyone learned in school: fat kids always get picked on. For some reason, probably Disney foreseeing a few decades into the future when every child in America will weigh roughly the same as a baby killer whale decided to make a sympathy-grabbing film where we’re meant to feel sorry for the chubsters.

Well, fatties. I don’t. Obesity is a sign of the following things: laziness, lack of self-respect and, let’s face it, mild retardation. When the butterball in question is a child, then this is even worse, because that’s entirely down to awful parenting. It is not, bar a few very, very rare cases either genetic or glandular. Just put the fucking pie down and do more exercise.

So, let’s hand it over to our dedicated masochist. Take it away Just Pillow Talk:

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Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)

A Droid PremiereI’m on the fence about the ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ series. During the dismal summer of 2003 (Bad Boys II, Terminator 3, The Matrix Reloaded), the first film, ‘The Curse of the Black Pearl’, was an entertaining surprise. It featured an unusual, superstar making (and Academy Award nominated) performance from Johnny Depp, a memorable villain and was above all else, fun. Then the inevitable sequels arrived, shot back to back. ‘Dead Man’s Chest’ and ‘At Worlds End’ took the fantastical elements of the first film, dropped a fistful of acid and ran screaming, naked and cartwheeling through the cineplex. Davy Jones was a squid. One characters father was a giant barnacle. There was the Kraken, limbo, waterwheels, voodoo, crab army, enormous whirlpools and Keith Richards. Put simply, it was all too much. Seemingly taking note of this, Jerry Bruckheimer and Disney have reeled in the crazy for ‘Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides’.

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