Tag Archive | Sex

Censor me! Sex and the BBFC: Emmanuelle.

Every week after I publish the censorship essay, I’m going to look at 1 film that fell foul of the Great British Censor. Last week’s topic was the sweaty-palm inducing sex, available here, and so this week I’m reviewing a film that upset the BBFC and had serious problems obtaining a certificate due to sexual content. As attitudes have changed, almost all of the films on this series have a received a full uncut release, but at the time they were either banned outright, banned on video, or slashed to ribbons. First up is pretentious French art-house soft-core porno Emmanuelle.

All citations come from the BBFC’s case study on Emmanuelle, available here Read More…


Eyes Wide Shut: Jarv looks at the censorship of sex

Welcome to part 2 in what is going to now be my censorship series. The title has been cribbed from the Cruise and Kidman voyeurism vehicle, as I think it is amazingly fitting for an article about sex in the movies.

Sex is one of the hot topics of censorship. It’s astonishing that in the modern world films that contain relatively graphic violence can be passed with either a low rating or completely uncut at a higher one, but consensual fornication between two adults causes the various bodies to explode. Admittedly, the standards are now relaxed, with a tide of erect penises on screen from the likes of France, Spain and Italy, but these are countries that have always had a more, shall we say, laissez-faire attitude towards depictions of sex. Not so here in good old Blighty, where historically the censor has come down on it with the wrath of a vengeful god.

Incidentally, Sex is unique in this series in that I can place the exact film that caused the change in the censor’s attitude in the UK.

This essay is completely safe for work.

Read More…

Last Tango In Paris (1973)

Director: Bernardo Bertolucci

Starring: Marlon Brando, Maria Schneider, Jean-Pierre Leaud

Release date: January 27 (UK). It’s not getting any easier. This is hardcore, I’m playing with another grown-up film and frankly, I’d rather be playing with Stickle Bricks. Welcome back to the ‘Birthday Bash’ and if you haven’t been here before – what took yer? The party’s been going 9 years already! May contain filthy sex and spoilers…

Read More…

Made In Britain: Donkey Punch (2008)

Donkey Punch is a film that I’ve put off seeing for a long time. For a start, and this is almost always fatal for a film, it’s got an endorsement from one H. Knowles, resident of fatland. Secondly, I read about it, and the central premise of the movie was so blindly misogynistic that it put me off a touch, and thirdly it was a very low budget British Horror movie made by a first time director, starring nobody that I’d ever heard of at the time. However, against that, Donkey Punch kicked off an absolute shitstorm in the right wing media (step forward Daily Fail) and that always makes me want to watch a film. Read More…

The Night of the Demons Series: Night of the Demons 3

This has been a remarkably easy series to do so far. This isn’t much of a surprise, given that the 3 original Night of the Demons movies are all basically the same film and follow a strict recipe laid out in the original: scary house + incredibly stupid teens + shitloads of gratuitous nudity and sex + gore= fun. Basically, the golden rule here is if in doubt add tits. Works for me. This second sequel, called Demon House in some parts, is the last on-screen appearance of Amelia Kinkade, who went off to telepathically train pets or some such after this, and it is to her credit that she managed to almost make Angela, demon goth queen of a schlocky B-movie series, into a memorable character. Much of the relative success of this cheesy little series is down to her turn, she’s sexy, evil, and downright comical on more than one occasion. Read More…

Mini Review Resurrection: Game of Thrones.





It’s been a while since any of us have done one of these, so I thought that I’d resurrect an old format for a series that’s pretty much universally loved. I have the following disclaimer to add at the top, though: I neither know nor care about the original series of novels it is based on. So I don’t want to hear one “Waaaaaaah, it’s not like the book, waaaaaah” because I don’t know if it is or not and, more importantly, I couldn’t give a red fuck.  Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Faust- Love of the Damned

I am the pornography that gets you hot!

Jarv’s Rating: Yup, it gets the Ramirez of Insanity. This is a fundamentally terrible film, however it’s also one written by an angry posse of Manic Depressives who’ve been off the lithium for a while. Seriously, the climax of this film features a black mass/ orgy where a woman gives birth to a snake which is then fellated by a restrained guy smeared in that clay stuff that posh spas flog to credulous rich women as Facemask for £900 a tub before a giant penis demon appears and watches our villain have grubby S&M sex with our heroine while a guy in a terrible demon costume watches and cries for a while. Nuts. Completely and utterly nuts.

As I near the summit of Mount Yuzna, I have to say that for the most part it’s been a very pleasurable experience. The majority of the films on this list have been cheerful schlocky garbage, with a few legitimately underrated gems in there. Unfortunately, something seemed to go wrong for the big fella Post-Bride of Re-Animator, and with the exception of Beyond Re-Animator, the rest of them have been, well, pretty terrible. Entertaining as all hell, don’t get me wrong, but I’m starting to think that Society and the Re-Animator films are the exception rather than the rule. Take Faust: Love of the Damned, for example. I’m reliably informed that this mess is based on a funny book (oh dear), and I’m also reliably informed that it’s an “adult” funnybook. Now, when I hear that expression I automatically think of Hentai and Japanese schoolgirls being molested by giant Tentacle penis monsters from Dimension X (or whatever). Which really doesn’t bode well for the film. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Night of the Demons

Eat a bowl of fuck! I am here to PARTY! 

Jarv’s Rating: 2 and a half Changs out of 4. Good dirty fun, more juggs than you can shake a stick at (and some minky as well- honestly, getting the pictures was really tough for this one), lots of lovely gore and several hugely entertaining kills. Also atrociously acted and eventually becomes quite monotonous. 

I’d really like to try to write an adult, considered, well-reasoned review about this film. Except there’s no point. This is a slice of solid eighties schlock that’s mostly remarkable for a quite stupendous amount of boob on display. A really, really stupendous amount of utterly gratuitous boob on display, actually. Therefore, I’m completely and utterly incapable of addressing the various merits, or lack thereof, of this film, having instead regressed into being a teenager snickering away at the back. I’ll give it my best shot, because I’m a consummate professional, but I warn you now that it’s probably not going to happen.


Read More…

Smut! Jarv sniggers at 10 of the worst sex scenes ever filmed

So, sex on film, eh? I’m sure the pillars of civilisation are due to crumble over this subject. Honestly, mankind has raped, murdered and generally been sex-addled since the dawn of time, but cinema comes along at the arse end of the last millenium and two consenting adults feigning coitus on screen is certain to send us all back to the dark ages. Having said that, not all sex scenes are actually titillating, erotic, or even meaningful. Many of them, actually, are embarrassing, unintentionally funny or just plain inept. These are 10 absolute howlers- scenes that are humiliating for the cast, crew, director and viewer, and all of them deserve recognition for being truly awful.

Because we’re fucking family friendly, and I’ve done this at work, there’s no boob, and I’ve been forced to just use the covers of the films. But in most cases, you’re not missing anything. So with no further ado, let us begin the countdown of 10 of the most painfully inept, shameful and downright incompetent sex-scenes ever filmed: Read More…

Jarv gets stomped on by Norwegian Wood.

Well, I’ve got nobody to blame but myself for this one. Given that I love Haruki Murakami’s novel, and that I’ve read it many times, I should really have been expecting the soul-scouring experience of Norwegian Wood on the big screen. Still, nevertheless, it did somewhat catch me off guard, in that I was preparing for it to be bleak, but Christ did I underestimate how bleak they’d go with it. So, am I glad I saw it? Well, yes, but it falls into the category of film that I want to like rather more than I do like it. Read More…