Tag Archive | Self harm

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Return of the Living Dead 3

I don’t know what’s happening to me, I’m not alive, I’m not dead, I’m just so lonely.

Jarv’s Rating: Two and a half Changs out of four. This film is unfairly maligned. There are serious problems to it, and tonally it’s way off, but overall this is a solid zombie movie with a fucking spectacular central monster. Seriously spectacular, actually.

My apologies for this run of incessant schlock. Ordinarily, I do try to mix it up a wee bit, but I’m on a quest to 100% both Stuart Gordon and Brian Yuzna films before I come to the hideous Birthday Series. I say hideous, because I watched 3 minutes of Xanadu earlier and aside from being horrified that it had Gene Kelly in it, I was forced to turn it off. In the meantime, in order to prepare myself for the forthcoming awfulness, I’m stocking up on my Schlock reserves so I’ve got fun films to think about while my brain is melting.

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Because I’m sick of shit Vampires: Thirst

 

Well, I’ve had enough. I’ve tolerated shitty emo-vampires or ridiculous screechy vampires for far too long and my patience has finally snapped. I’m pig sick of vampires that sparkle like a magpie’s wet dream in sunlight, or vampires as an excuse for some drippy sub-Mills and Boon level romance drivel, or piss-poor lame cowardly fucking vampires. It’s reached the stage where if I even see the word “Vampire” on a film, then I’m automatically reaching for the off switch. Read More…