Tag Archive | Sci Fi Channel

BRAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNSSSS!!! Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave

Time to expand on my new Return of the Living Dead hypothesis. I think it’s kind of anti-Star Trek. The theory goes with Star Trek that only the even numbered ones are any good (I heartily dispute this regarding part 4: Save the Whales), and Return of the Living Dead is the opposite. So far, 1 is gold, 2 is garbage, 3 is Silver, 4 is utter garbage. So presumably, following on, 5 (Rave to the Grave) will also therefore win a medal of some description, possibly a bronze. Well, no, it’s not that good. However it did at least make the final and hasn’t embarrassed itself in any way. For a start, it does actually resemble a Return of the Living Dead film, and while I hate the central character Julian (John Keefe from Part 4) the presence of gore, comedy and nudity automatically raise it above the quite filthy depths that Necropolis had sunk the series to.

This is a Return of the Living Dead film, so nudity, gore, laughs and Spoilers lurk below. Read More…

BRAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNSSSS!!! Return of the Living Dead: Necropolis

So, for those that aren’t familiar with this, one of Jarv’s golden rules of cinema is that if there’s a large gap between a sequel and it’s predecessor then 99 times out of 100 it will be awful. Examples range across the different genres, including The Godfather Part 3, Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and so forth. The reason being is that if someone chooses to exhume a long-buried franchise, then chances are it’s motivated entirely by money and a hope to cash in on some hazy name recognition. There are films that break this rule, notably Rise of the Planet of the Apes, but that’s countered by Burton’s stinking remake, and who can ever forget the Star Wars Prequel atrocities? Return of the Living Dead 4: Necropolis (they dropped the 4 for release) has further handicaps to overcome, not least of which is that it’s a Sci-Fi Channel film, and was shot back-to-back with its vastly superior sequel in Eastern Europe. It’s no surprise for me to tell you up front that this one ain’t a winner.

Contains crap zombie babies and spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Hydra

It lost its head

I really am a sucker for creature features. However, I should really know better than to trust The Sci-Fi channel’s made for TV efforts, because they are almost all of such low quality that they make the less than stellar Asylum efforts seem almost acceptable. In this case, the premise is solid gold- take the Most Dangerous Game, mix with the myth of the Lernean Hydra and let the carnage and shenanigans ensue. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case and the eponymous giant asshole snake simply takes the film and crushes it in its useless coils of failure. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Pterodactyl

Special agent Jarv here. License to watch and be rude about utter garbage. This time around, I kindly asked Droid what else he had on those tapes with the marketing douchebags, because he only listened to the MI2 bit, and I was curious what else was on there. In a strange aligning of the stars moment, it turns out that the producers for Pterodactyl also used that meeting room. What a freak stroke of luck. Anyhow, here’s the transcript: Read More…

But you told me you were on the pill! Children of the Corn (2009)

Well, I’ve made it. I have to say that this hasn’t exactly been an a-maize-ing experience. This series has been pretty corny on more than one occasion and I do have to admit that it has corn-holed my cerebral cortex. It has been truly dreadful in places, with the odd kernel of entertainment, and at this moment in time I’m a broken husk of a man that would rather be beaten to death by a thug wielding a sack full of tins of sweetcorn than watch the newest one. Which luckily for me isn’t out until next year.

I think that’s them all covered, but I’ll be around to field any questions at the end. Read More…

The title makes sense- Pumpkinhead 4: Blood Feud

I’ve finally waded all the way through to the end of Pumpkinhead 4 and the series has had its ups and downs. This is a down. I actually blame the third film for my thoroughly mediocre feelings towards this one, as if it hadn’t been acceptable this wouldn’t be such a let down. Nevertheless, as a fearless schlock killer, I did put this on straight after three and this is the only way I can describe it: Have you ever been to a small seaside town in the summer (Doesn’t matter what country)? You have a great time, the sun’s shining, people are happy, you eat ice cream and drink beer on the beach. It’s all very pleasant. Now, imagine (and I went to university in a town where this is really analogous) you return to the small village in January- the sky is gunmetal grey, there are tumbleweeds composed entirely of forlorn flyers blowing around the street, the rain is lashing down and all the locals have resentful and unhappy faces. It’s technically the same place, you can recognise all the same landmarks, and the beer still tastes the same, but it’s a totally different and much more rotten experience. Read More…

A title that almost makes sense- Pumpkinhead 3: Ashes to Ashes

After the utterly abysmal Pumpkinhead 2, I was somewhat trepiditious about continuing with this franchise. You know how it’s meant to go: Stunning first film, mediocre second, passable third, and so forth until you hit “derisory concluding chapter”. Take the Alien films, for example: Alien is classic, Aliens is classic, Alien 3 is very good (fuck you all, I like it), Alien Resurrection is mediocre, AvP is crap, AvP:Rectum was the Moonwolves worst film of the last decade and a franchise killer. Which, while I’m thinking about it, will not be resurrected by that stupid prequel flight of the cock jockey nonsense. Pumpkinhead, on the other hand, bucked the tried and tested formula by going straight from very good to fucking terrible missing out all stops in between. This meant that, in all likelihood, Pumpkinhead 3: Ashes to Ashes would be AvP:Rectum levels of awfulness.

Furthermore, the omens weren’t good for it. There’s a significant time gap between Blood Wings and Ashes for Ashes (always a sign of impending suckitude), and worst of all it was made for TV by the Sci-Fi Channel. Now, Sciffy may be somewhat passable nowadays with the likes of Mammoth, Infestation and Pandorum actually being good films, but back in 2006, even seeing their name attached to something meant that you would be looking more at a Minotaur than a Mammoth.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, it was an absolute nightmare to get hold off, and the version I eventually watched had fucking Swedish subtitles.

No, my fellow Changians, this one did not look good. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Mega Shark v Giant Octopus

the vault logo

Mega Shark v Giant Octopus

megasharkaff

“You can love the Sea, but it won’t love you back.”

Jarv’s Rating: 2 Changs out of 4

2 changs out of 4 copy

There are some films out there that I want to love. I’m predisposed to think that they are epic, even when every fibre of my being knows that they are actually terrible. This is one of those. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Frankenfish

the vault logo

Frankenfish

frankenfish cover

There are several mainstays of schlock movies and one of my personal favourites (aside from zombies, and I mean proper shambling zombies not ones that sprint like Seabiscuit on coke- fuck you Snyder)  is the little subgenre of “fish eating people”. Read More…