Tag Archive | Schlock

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

The CHAINSAWS used in this Motion Picture are REAL and DANGEROUS! They are handled here by seasoned PROFESSIONALS. The makers of this Motion Picture advise strongly against anyone attempting to perform these stunts at home. Especially if you are naked and about to engage in strenuous SEX. My conscience is clear, (signed) Fred Olen Ray.

Jarv ‘s Rating: There was no way this was going to get a low rating from me. So as a result, I give this truly hilarious little piece of grindhouse exploitation 3 Changs out of 4. This film is fucking mint, as any film about naked women wielding chainsaws as part of a lunatic cult of chainsaw worshippers that dates back to Egyptian times led by Gunnar Hansen should be. Highly, highly recommended. Get the beers in for this one, and trust me, it’s a blast.

It’s taken me a while to track this film down. I first heard about it years ago in context of a story that may or may not be Urban myth. The tale goes that one of the actresses (and Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers features three of the B-movie scream queens) broke a strike to appear in this film. By changing her name and crossing picket lines, she seriously damaged her career and was forced into even sleazier cinema as a result. The actress? Michelle Bauer, and it’s worth noting that she followed this film with a whole plethora of soft porn nonsense, from which she’s never really recovered. The point of this anecdote is to illustrate what utter fucknuts unions are, particularly unions in the creative industries, and it’s a crying shame that a decent jobbing actress working in cheap and cheerful schlock was punished like this for wanting to pay the rent. I’m, admittedly, assuming she considered it punishment. She may well have liked doing soft core porn, who am I to judge?

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Hobo with a Shotgun

Well Abby, can I tell you something about bears?

Jarv’s Rating: The resident, now sadly absent, monkey, in a fit of positively zen like calm, once rated this film as one hobo with a shotgun out of one hobo with a shotgun, in that it is the quintessential example of a hobo with a shotgun. For my part, it can have one chang, because while it really is a very good example of a shotgun wielding itinerant, it isn’t an entertaining piece of exploitation and wonders dangerously near to torture porn on more than one occasion.

We can blame Cokey McFrankensteinhead for many of the sins that plague modern cinema, but there’s one sin that I really think we have to hold him and his cohort Robert Rodriguez to account for: the rise of the modern “exploitation” movie. Back before I realised that Tarantino was the cinematic embodiment of the stark bollock naked Emperor, I was genuinely quite excited by the thought of ultimate geek cinephile Tarantino making an homage to the 1970’s exploitation trash films. Sadly, the end product was the heinously bloated and monstrously boring Death Proof, where he managed to dash all the good will built up by Rodriguez’ mediocre Planet Terror and the incredibly entertaining intermission trailers. The Grindhouse film was, thankfully, a massive flop and Planet Terror and Death Proof were split up for most of the world, but as a completely unwanted side-effect it has so far managed to spawn two full length films from the trailer idea. The first is Rodriguez’ own Machete, and the second was the winner of a competition created specifically to promote Grindhouse, Jason Eisener’s Hobo with a Shotgun.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Vampire Girl v Frankenstein Girl

“Dicing ones daughter is true happiness!”

“Doctor, that’s kind of dodgy”

Jarv’s Rating: 3 Changs out of 4. Madder than a box of frogs and so much fun it should probably be illegal. Easily the most enjoyable piece of schlocky trash to crawl its way out of the vault in a long, long time.

I have to be absolutely honest up front about this: there was absolutely no way that I was ever going to be able to resist the charms of a film with a title as thoroughly stupid as that, and I also (whisper it quietly) actually like Tokyo Gore Police, so chances are Vampire Girl v Frankenstein Girl was always going to be on to a winner with me. That it also happens to be a gleefully schlocky film, and to have no pretensions higher than B-movie at best is just a happy bonus as far as I am concerned.  Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Nude Nuns With Big Guns

My sins, they were with women

Jarv’s Rating: 1 Chang out of 4. Just not enough fun, and far, far too rapey. Sorry.

Let’s be honest here, I was never going to be able to resist a film called “Nude Nuns with Big Guns”. Seriously, it promises stupidity, lesbians, nudity, gunplay, nudity, being rude about religion, lesbians, and nudity. So, my schlock watching mate and myself got in an ocean worth of beer, put it on and lit a few spliffs. This should be a blast, right? Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Robot Jox

We are already dead. We are Robot Jox!

Jarv’s Rating: Two and a half Changs out of four. Fundamentally crap, really, but still damned funny on more than one occasion and it’s about people in big robot suits battling over the territory of Alaska. And to be honest, I’m never going to rate a film with a premise as incredibly stupid as that one with less than two changs.


Actually, I wish, but there’s still plenty of stupidity to be laughed at here. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Return of the Living Dead 3

I don’t know what’s happening to me, I’m not alive, I’m not dead, I’m just so lonely.

Jarv’s Rating: Two and a half Changs out of four. This film is unfairly maligned. There are serious problems to it, and tonally it’s way off, but overall this is a solid zombie movie with a fucking spectacular central monster. Seriously spectacular, actually.

My apologies for this run of incessant schlock. Ordinarily, I do try to mix it up a wee bit, but I’m on a quest to 100% both Stuart Gordon and Brian Yuzna films before I come to the hideous Birthday Series. I say hideous, because I watched 3 minutes of Xanadu earlier and aside from being horrified that it had Gene Kelly in it, I was forced to turn it off. In the meantime, in order to prepare myself for the forthcoming awfulness, I’m stocking up on my Schlock reserves so I’ve got fun films to think about while my brain is melting.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Society

We’re just one big happy family – except for a little incest and psychosis

Jarv’s Rating: 3 Changs out of 4. A savage social satire masquerading as a truly disgusting monster movie. It may be a tad unsubtle but, nevertheless, the final scene simply has to be seen to be believed. Honestly, I’m a bit traumatised now.

The late 80’s were arguably the most soulless time in history. Evil over hair-gelled bastards had proclaimed themselves as the Masters of the Universe and all completely missed the point of Wall Street and secretly really wanted to be Gordon Gecko. At the same time, the true evil of the “Hit Factory” was foisting manufactured bubblegum music on the world (we’re still suffering from the legacy of that), and this period represented the absolute apex of the Randian inspired cult of the individual. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that this was the most selfish and self-interested time that I’ve witnessed and not one that I feel particularly nostalgic for. At the same time, however, Brian Yuzna was also disgusted at what he saw, but luckily for the world he had both the experience and a platform to properly voice his disgust. The result? 1989’s scabrous satire Society- a film with a blazingly unsubtle message, but a hugely entertaining look at the rich as another kind of animal altogether.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Beyond Re-Animator

That 3 Years I spent in solitary…. I did some of my very best work!

Jarv’s Rating: Two and a Half Changs out  of Four. While the law of diminishing returns is definitely kicking in with the Re-Animator series, there’s still much more to like here than dislike.

I’m feeling both extremely pleased and extremely cross with myself. Pleased because as of this morning  I have now completed the Re-Animator series and am approaching completion in both 100% Stuart Gordon (and brilliantly now also 100% Brian Yuzna), which is, let’s face it, a billion times better than the 100% PWS Anderson that I accidentally managed last month. However, I’m cross with myself because this is easily the best non-Evil Dead horror trilogy that I’ve seen and I should have epic reviewed it in Frank and Droid style. Moreover, I’m actually cross with the world in general, because there isn’t a Re-Animator Box Set available. Why the fuck not? I really want to buy it, and I think it would sit proudly on my shelf with the Pot of Gore, Attack Pack and Evil Dead collections. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Night of the Demons

Eat a bowl of fuck! I am here to PARTY! 

Jarv’s Rating: 2 and a half Changs out of 4. Good dirty fun, more juggs than you can shake a stick at (and some minky as well- honestly, getting the pictures was really tough for this one), lots of lovely gore and several hugely entertaining kills. Also atrociously acted and eventually becomes quite monotonous. 

I’d really like to try to write an adult, considered, well-reasoned review about this film. Except there’s no point. This is a slice of solid eighties schlock that’s mostly remarkable for a quite stupendous amount of boob on display. A really, really stupendous amount of utterly gratuitous boob on display, actually. Therefore, I’m completely and utterly incapable of addressing the various merits, or lack thereof, of this film, having instead regressed into being a teenager snickering away at the back. I’ll give it my best shot, because I’m a consummate professional, but I warn you now that it’s probably not going to happen.


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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: The Burning

Man, this guy is so burned, he’s cooked! A fucking Big Mac, overdone!

Jarv’s Rating: A pretty solid 2 Changs out of 4. One of the better Friday 13th clones out there, but in the end, The Burning hardly counts as essential. Unless you’re some sort of weird Holly Hunter/ Tom Savini completist.

The Video Nasty list made not a jot of sense. On one hand there were some truly despicable films banned (such as Cannibal Holocaust) and on the other some bona fides classics were locked away (the Exorcist). In between these two poles were a whole lot of shitty Italian horror, some American exploitation and the odd completely unremarkable slasher film by numbers. The Burning, a 1981 rip off of Friday 13th that’s so blatant it could quite easily be called “Saturday 14th”, is one of this group. I’m at a bit of a loss as to what the ban is for. Sure, there’s some nudity and the odd messy killing, but there’s nothing in it that would merit a ban- it’s just standard slasher fare. Read More…