Tag Archive | Ron Perlman

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: The Last Supper (1996)

This has literally never happened to me before. Seriously, I’m not joking about this. I have been forced to change my entire review because of something I found on the internet.

Obviously, I’ve written film reviews before, and I’m well aware of what a toilet the World Wide Web is, but I think that I’ve finally found the single stupidest person with internet access out there. A person so stupid that they really shouldn’t be allowed near computers just in case they snap the keys off and swallow them. A person so dimwitted that they make that fat Star Wars dork on YouTube a few years ago look like a founding member of Mensa. I am almost completely struck dumb by the sheer cretinism and intentional point missing of this utter moron. In short, I have found the Tea Party’s core vote.

And what, you may ask, has this got to do with The Last Supper, a black comedy starring Cameron Diaz released on August 23rd 1996 in the UK? Well, read on and I’ll tell you.

Contains astonishingly big tomato plants and spoilers below. Read More…

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics! Number 1: The Blade Trilogy

He clearly wasn’t taught enough of a lesson by the Birthday Series. That’s the only conclusion I can draw from this in that Just Pillow Talk is back, and this time he’s taking on the entire Marvel Series. He’s clearly not thought this out properly (Elektra!) so it should be good for a few chuckles on our end. He’s launching with the Blade series, which is the equivalent of training to fight Tyson by beating up a 9 year old.

Anyhoo, that’s me done, here he is: Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series: Conan the Barbarian (2011) and the post mortem on the whole damned mess.

 That’s it, I’ve done it! I have reached the end of this epic quest through the films released as close to my date of birth as possible. For 2011, I’m doing Marcus Nispel’s remake of Conan the Barbarian and to be honest, I was seriously worried about this one given the directors absolutely awful track record. This raises the question, though, what do we really want from a Sword and Sorcery Barbarian hero film? Personally, I think that all we hope for is lots and lots of stabbery and when there’s no stabbery to be seen, then we want every corner of the screen packed with Boob. Is that too much to ask? Well, historically, it has been- look at the abortions that are Conan the Destroyer and Red Sonja, for example.

 Before I kick off the review properly, I’m going to state the following things at the top just so I don’t need to go into it again. Firstly, I love the Conan films, and this genre in general. I can pretty much always find something to laugh about when they’re on song. Secondly, and this is just to pre-empt the usual complaint about Conan films: this is not Robert E. Howard’s Conan. Jason Momoa, who plays the eponymous stabbery merchant, is simply too, well, big. Thirdly, it will be compared to Arnold’s original. Finally, I’m not doing the review- I’m handing over to someone more appropriate. Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (Director’s Cut)

God damn it. The monkey is right about this. It clearly, clearly sucks cock. In fact, it sucks cock for so long and with such dedication that it might as well be trying for an award for fellatio. I don’t know where I got the delusion that In the Name of the King was remotely acceptable from (that’s a bit of a lie, actually, I do know and I’ll come to it in a moment), but this is 2 hours and 35 minutes of fun and games of utter mind-numbing tedium. I seem to remember the monkey making some joke about being mugged by boredom and well, he’s completely correct. This is a boring film. In fact, In the Name of the King is so boring it’s like being clobbered over the head by a giant Excel manual. Pah. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Down/ The Shaft

How could you do that to a blind man?

Jarv’s Rating: 2.5 Changs out of 4. Funny as fuck, pity about the first half.

This is an interruption due to sheer dumbness of my scheduled vault reviews. I was going to do Re-Animator (for being awesome), but instead I watched this gem the other night. I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is probably one of the most incredibly stupid and incredibly funny films that I’ve seen in the last 6 months. The premise is absolute dumbhouse gold, and the film is executed with such verve that it’s really hard not to like it. I’d just like to point out here that there’s loads of elevator related puns available to me, but I shall be an adult and ignore them. Read More…

A Double Dose of Recent DVD Releases

Lake Mungo and I Sell The Dead

Lake Mungo poster

While the 8 Films To Die For series seems to be a complete waste, mainly consisting of lame direct to video fare lacking entertainment and interesting stories. Also they are usually loud, obnoxious and full of the most obvious of horror movie cliché’s. Out of nowhere comes this quiet and subtle little horror flick straight from the outback that shows maybe this horror festival idea may not be completely useless.

Read More…