Tag Archive | Romance

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: The Big Easy (1987)

I liked New Orléans when I went there years ago. A great atmosphere, easy women, alcohol by the bucketload- what’s not to love? Actually, and this reminds me, and it’s got less than nothing at all to do with the film but may strike a laugh, me and my mate were walking down Bourbon Street 3 sheets to the wind. We stopped to buy another daiquiri off a friendly native selling them from a stall, when I happened to glance up at the balcony of the bar opposite. On this balcony stands two of the best looking women that I’ve ever seen. They’re also clearly hammered, as they’re stripping for the pleasure of the crowd below. However, standing next to them was one of the least attractive and heftiest women that I saw in my entire time in America. She’s clearly 9 Sheets to a hurricane and for some reason best known to herself is also taking her clothes off. I take a swig of my drink, nudge my mate and say “Do you think her mother’s proud?”. Just as I’m going to take another swig of delicious beverage, I feel the clout of a meaty paw to the back of my head. I turn round to see a small and angry middle-aged woman glaring up at me with the vengeance of an angered god in her eyes. Before I can mutter a word, she screams out “I AM ACTUALLY”.

Anyway, that’s got less than nothing to do with the film, at all, so here we go with the review.

May contain stuffed alligators  and spoilers below. Read More…

Blood And Chocolate (2007)

Director: Katja Von Garnier

Starring: Agnes Bruckner, Hugh Dancy, Olivier Martinez

Release date: January 26 (US). Oooh, wolves, here we go! Never heard of it but that might be a good sign, right? I’m also painfully aware the Rude Gorilla is on a hat-trick. May contain wereponces and spoilers…

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Bed Of Roses (1996)

Director: Michael Goldenberg

Starring: Mary Stuart Masterson, Christian Slater, Pamela Segall

Release date: January 26 (US). Yes! Exactly what I needed to exorcise the demons from 1995’s entry. A Rom-Dram, definitely my preferred genre, I’m on a sure footing here. May contain flowers, lots of flowers and spoilers…

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Jarv’s Birthday Series: Cal (1984)

This is a tough assignment for me. Honestly, because let’s face it, a film about the Irish “Troubles” is always going to piss me off to some extent, and the virulent rage that is induced by the romanticised depiction of those IRA cunts utterly precludes me from writing anything resembling a coherent review. So imagine my joy when Cal (release date 24th August in the USA) popped out. Secondly, it’s an incredibly feted film, winning awards, having a ludicrously high rating everywhere (91% fresh ono Rotten Tomatoes), and generally being regarded as a classic. Furthermore, Mrs. Jarv had already seen it, and greeted the announcement that we would be watching it with “You are going to sit through that, you? Honestly?” Well, I fucking did, and while it is nowhere near as slaveringly obnoxious towards the IRA as I thought it was going to be, it is also a fundamentally terrible, patronising, biased and vilely simplistic  story that takes place during the troubles. Read More…

Jarv’s Top 10 2000-2009. Number 8: Daisy

Daisy is part 3 of my “big softie” triptych, and arguably the best film of the three.  Occasionally, some films get criminally and disgracefully overlooked for various reasons, and this is a case in point. The amount of, to be honest, utter rubbish that gets a cinema release (let alone a DVD release) on a massive scale is a depressing statement about our times when real quality such as this (or OUTLANDER/ what those pricks at Lionsgate did to Fierce People) gets neglected. Read More…

Droid wants his very own ‘Avatar’

avatar poster It’s been a long wait. Twelve years after ‘Titanic’ dominated the hearts and minds of women (and some men) everywhere and made the worldwide Box Office it’s bitch, James Cameron returns to his science fiction roots with much fanfare. On the line is a budget large enough to purchase a small nation, “game changing” 3D technology touted as the future of film and the hopes and dreams of geeks and nerds everywhere. And after four years in production, ‘Avatar’ is finally here. And was it worth the wait?

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